I thought we all would like to have some                  Let's face it- our lives all suck. All it takes is a
sort of improvement in our  life. All it                       few seconds to read and think about it- then
takes is a few seconds to read and think about it.     instantly forget and move on with your
                                                                              pointless existence.
Instructions for Life in the new millennium:               Instructions for Life in the new millennium:
1. Take into account that great love and                  1. Take into account that great love and great
great achievements involve great risk.                      achievements involve great risk. Better not
                                                                              risk it.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.                  2. When you lose, pout and whine.
3. Follow the three Rs:                                            3. Follow the three Rs:
Respect for self                                                       Run from trouble
Respect for others and                                            Rant at everyone else
Responsibility for all your actions.                            Responsibility is such a hassle. Don't bother.
4. Remember that not getting what you want            4. Remember that not getting what you want
is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.                  is a good reason to make someone's life hell.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break          5. Don't learn the rules. Make them up.
them properly.                                                        Change them constantly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship    6. Don't let a little dispute stop you from
                                                                              getting your way.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take    7. When you realize you've made a mistake,
immediate steps to correct it.                                  blame it on the guy everyone hates.
8. Spend some time alone every day.                      8. Spend some time alone every day. Use
                                                                              the opportunity to look at some porn.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go          9. Resist change. It can only lead to trouble.
of your values.                                                         Huddle into your rut for safety.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the             10. Remember that violence is sometimes the
best answer.                                                            best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get  11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when
older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a        you get older and think back, you'll say "my
second time.                                                            God! That was so boring!"
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the             12. A loving atmosphere in your home means
foundation for your  life.                                            the kids want money.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only        13. In disagreements with loved ones, bring
with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.      up the past constantly.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve       14. Guard your knowledge obsessively. It
immortality.                                                              may be used against you.
15. Be gentle with the earth.                                     15. Be gentle with the earth, or she'll send
                                                                               a tornado against you.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never            16. Once a year, go to the same caravan
been before.                                                            park in Oodangatta.
17. Remember that the best relationship is                17. Remember that the best relationship is
one in which your love for each other                       one in which you win all the arguments.
exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had                  18. Judge your success by how many
to give up in order to get  it.                                      people you crush in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with                         19. Approach love and cooking with
reckless abandon.                                                     extreme caution- you might get burned.

Do not keep this message. The mantra                      Do not keep this message. It might be sending
must leave your hands within 96 hours.                      information to satellites right now! Quick,
You will get a very pleasant surprise                          send it on before it's too late!
(this is true even if you are not superstitious)              (this is true even if you are not an idiot)