I have decided to dedicate this month's newsletter to heaven's newest little angel Jessica. Loretta and Jerome our thoughts and prayers are with you both on the loss of your sweet baby girl. At the rising of the sun and it's going down, We remember them. At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of the winter, We remember them. At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring, We remember them. At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn, We remember them. At the beginning of the year and when it ends, We remember them. As long as we live, they too will live. they are part of us, We remember them "Our Little Man" My husband and I had been trying for a baby for a long time after a while I got so discouraged that I would never have a baby but then the day came and we found out we where going to be parents.That was one of the happiest days of our lives.My pregnancy seemed to be going perfectly and after we reached the 12 week mark which we thought was the "cut off" for miscarriages we where so relieved.At 15 weeks I started to feel our baby moving what a wonderful experience that was those little flutters.I tried to get Travis to feel but of course he couldn't.The next week we where going in for our Ultra Sound I was so excited, I couldn't wait to see our precious baby on the screen.We went in to the doctor and boy was I excited.then for the first time we saw our little Angel on the screen.His little heart just beating away.That was the day we found out we where going to have a little boy.I was so happy because that is just what I had wanted.So we started picking out name Travis got to pick the first name and I was to pick the middle but I soon came up with Sean Tylor and Travis agreed that it was prefect.Travis showed his little boys ultra sound picture off to everyone.He was so proud.A week later I stared having pains in my stomach so as any Mommy I called the doctor right away.They told me that is was normal and that as long as I wasn't bleeding or hurting very bad that it would be ok and that the doctor would check me on my next appt.After 3 days on the 2nd of September my Husband decided that he was taking me to the hospital because he said I had hurt long enough.So when I went in there they told me to get a gown on because they would have to do a ultra sound to make sure everything was alright with the "FETUS" So after I was dressed they wheeled me down to the ultra sound rooms and I knew as soon as they put the wand on my belly that something was wrong because I couldn't see my little man moving or his tiny heart beating the lady doing the ultra sound didn't say anything she just left the room to get the doctor.The doctor came in the room and started performing the ultra sound his self and looked at me and said "the fetus shows no signs of life,you have to options you can go home and see what happens you can have a DNE,or you can stay here and see what happens" I decide to stay there to see what happened."BIG MISTAKE" At 4:05 p.m. I delivered my precious little boy with a doctor and nurse in the room he was 8 inches and 7.5Oz.They didn't allow my husband in the room.They tried to take my baby away but i screamed for them to let me see him,And so they did.But they told me as long as I had him in the room no one else could come in.I kept him in there with my for about a hour before they came back to take him away.I sang to him and kissed him,and tried to make as may memories as I could.I asked if my husband could come in to see him and could we take pictures of him and they said "No,your this is not a stillborn baby it is just a fetus"My heart was just ripped out and stomped on that day.I now wish I had just went home and had him by myself so Travis could have seen him.It really hurts him that he never got to hold our son.He never wants to talk about it,i am so glad I have all my internet friends because without them I don't know how I could get through those bad days. "Momma,I Am Your SunShine" Oh Momma you held me close and stroked my face Through all the years The millions of tears The memory can never be erased Oh my son you were so small 8 inches of you, in one hand I held you all Oh how I miss you I felt you kiss me Momma I heard you sing my lullaby I am your sunshine momma I promise to paint you a special sunset if you will please not cry Son I held you and stroked your Downy brown hair I smelled you... I wish your Daddy could have been there For us both I tried to make memories enough to last a lifetime Oh momma as my soul traveled from you In angel arms I snuggled I stopped by Daddy and gave him an angel cuddle I whispered to him Daddy forever you are my father and eternity I your son Tell momma she was the best I will love her miss her I will come to you each in the dead of night Between you I lay In your dreams you hold me tight This poem was written by Jean Sean's Mommy Kyra stillgrieve3 Visit Sean's Site! My daughter was 5 weeks premature and that was with my water being broke 6 weeks early. The doctors told me that she was only going to be about 2 pounds and to there surprise was 5 pounds 5 ounces. When she was born Rebecca was doing great she nursed right away and was a really good baby. We took Rebecca home at 4 days old the same time I left the hospital from my c-section that night she was not breathing right so we rushed her back to the hospital. the keep her in observation for the one night and she came back the next morning. WEll everything was going great and she seemed very advanced was rolling over on day 4 and was giving real smiles at about one week old. When my son turned two Rebecca was 2 weeks old and still really great hardly ever crying and loved to eat!! At this time she was starting to pull her legs into the sleeper and her hat over her face and then would scream it was really cute. When Rebecca was 3 weeks old We all went on a family vacation to the cottage first to my hubbies moms cottage where we stayed for about 8 days and then my moms cottage where we stayed for 3 days Every one was loving having the kids there and we were really enjoying this time. My sister in law was at the first cottage with her daughter who was 2 weeks older then Rebecca and we were making such plans for when they grew up together with my son as there protector since he was 2 years older. Well when leaving my moms cottage it was a 6 hour drive home so we stopped on the way to visit more of my friends and family. We stopped every where we got home that night quite late and went straight to bed the next day my hubbie went back t work and Andrew Rebecca and I spent the day going for walks and visiting people.That night mu hubbie came home from work and we ended up fighting cause i took the fat off his pork chops yes I know something stupid but we were both tired. well we ended up staying awake till around 4 am arguing and then talking plus Rebecca was always at her best around 11pm till 1am so we played with her since Andrew was in bed already fast asleep. At 4 am we had made amends and went to bed around 5 am i got up since my little girl waned fed after feeding her on one side she wanted the other then we went back to sleep the next thing i know i her screaming and am being told to get up Rebecca's dead. When i opened my eyes i see my hubbie holding Rebecca and i said very funny thinking it was a joke he then put her in my arms and he claims I started screaming. I ran to the living room and started calling 911 while he did cpr and I was going crazy he keep yelling tell them we are going to the hospital and they said to wait a ambulance will be there. When the got there we were out in the cops car so they could drive us to the hospital and got there and were told to wait in this room. While this was happening one of the staff called the babysitter who had come when this was all happening to take Andrew and made sure he was okay then they called my mom she was just leaving to work and said she would be there she also got my dad who was in his car driving to work. Then they called my hubbies family the next thing I know my mom and dad are there and we are being told they could not bring her back and asked if i wanted to see her. Well i said yes and can remember them putting her in my arms and how cold she was, Oh how cold. And getting to hold her we all did and then i could not let her go i wanted her so much to start crying. The next days are a blur but i remember going shopping to buy her something to where for the wake and how much it hurt.hat same day we went to another store and i had a neckless made up that said Rebecca and a little bracelet that said Rebecca one for me and one for my very precious baby. Also Dwayen and I bought a card a wrote her a letter for us to put in the grave one for her and a copy for us. The wake was awful people saying stupid and hurt full things when the wake was over i got to hold her again but first my father did and then my mother and my uncle Paul also my husbands brother who was going to be god father to both children held her and Dwaynes best friend John held her then it was just me and Dwyane in there with Rebecca he held her and finally it was my turn i held her for what only felt like seconds but most have been a hour when my dad came in a said it was time to go. i could not let her go it was to hard so dwayen went with me and i had to put her back in that awful thing. As i was walking away i collapsed and my dad and dwayen had to help me out . The next day at the cemetery it was rainy and cloudy but when the paster said her name the clouds moved and the sun shone just like in her song carrying your love with me. Rebecca's Mom Shauna stillgrieve 2 Whitney was a surprise. I was 20 years old and living with my boyfriend. I was also on birth control pills. Even though we were surprised, I loved her the moment I knew about her. ~~~~~~~ I made an appointment to go see my doctor. I found out I was about 5 weeks along. At 7 weeks, I started spotting. It was late in the evening, so I had to call the doctor. She told me that I should lay in bed and as long as the bleeding wasn't bad, I could wait until the next day to get an ultrasound. I was very upset and scared. I had the ultrasound done the next day. The nurse looked at the screen. but didn't say anything. She told me that I had to wait for my doctor to call me to tell me anything. I didn't even know if my baby was still alive. The next day the doctor called and said that everything was fine. I had torn the placenta and had to stay in bed for a few days. ~~~~~~~ After that, all was going well. I had a baby shower in California at about 14 weeks. We wanted to have it early so I wouldn't have to fly in case something went wrong. I felt the first kicks at the shower. All my family was there. It was a great shower. Right after I got back from California, I had a bad triple test screening. I had to go to a genetics doctor. He wanted to do an amnio, but I refused. There was a small risk in losing my baby and I didn't want to chance it. Instead, he told me what the percentages were for having a Down's baby and then he did a thorough ultrasound. he said everything looked fine, but that was no guarantee. He also told me I was having a girl! A little girl. That was what I wanted. Someone to dress in cute little dresses and buy baby dolls for. I was so excited. I almost forgot that something could have been wrong with her. ~~~~~~~ A couple of weeks later, I got another ultrasound done. This time I was having a video made. The baby moved all around for us. She stuck out her tongue and did little ballet moves. She even waved! It was so exciting to be able to see my baby for that long. That was the last time I ever got to see her alive. During all this, I felt more and more movement from my daughter. I got to know her a little better. She had a little personality. I would play a cd for her everynight. She loved it. It was a cd of classical lullabys. She would kick up a storm. I used to love to talk to her. I would go to the movies and she would kick all the way through them. I miss that time so much. ~~~~~~~ Two or three weeks later I stopped feeling movement. I called my doctor and was told not to worry. They said she was still small so I might not be able to feel her. I didn't believe them. the next day I called back and re scheduled my appointment for a couple of days later. I just knew something was wrong. my boyfriend at the time couldn't go with me, so I asked my best friend to go. My parents were in California picking up the stuff from my baby shower. My friend had just had a baby 2 weeks earlier. She packed him up and we went to the doctor's office. ~~~~~~~ When I got there the doctor tried to find a heart beat. she used about four doppler devices and still couldn't find one. She tried to play it off. She said that sometimes an ultrasound is needed to find the heart beat. She sent me to another doctor downstairs to do the ultrasound. As soon as he saw my baby his face changed. he told me he was so sorry, but my baby had been dead for a few days. He asked me if I wanted to see her. I told him yes and he showed me the screen. he showed me her little heart. I looked so hard for it to be moving, but it remained still. I have never felt a pain like the one I felt at that moment. my heart was breaking. ~~~~~~~ After that, it's kind of a blur. I went back up to see my doctor. She told me that theses things happen sometimes and that it was nothing I did. she was very cold about the whole thing. She asked how my asthma was doing and then decided not to induce me. i had to get a D & E instead. I was not given a choice. She picked up the phone and called the doctor who would do the procedure. She told him what happened and then put me on the phone with one of the nurses. The nurse explained to me what was going to happen and made an appointment. i barely heard a word she said. i was in shock. This couldn't be happening to me. Not my baby! There must be some mistake. My friend called my boyfriend at work and he rushed to the doctor to be with me. We went home and waited for my parents to call. My dad finally called and my boyfriend told him the news. He told my mom and she flew home that night. My dad drove the rest of the way back and made it home the next day. We all went to the appointment together. ~~~~~~~ We sat and talked to the doctor. He did another ultrasound to confirm that she had died. I was still hoping that there had been some mistake. There wasn't. He explained that the procedure was going to take a week. He would dilate me a little each day and at the end of the week, he would do the D & E. That was the longest week of my life. September 4, 1998 is when they took my daughter from me. that is the day that I mark as her birthday. Whitney is Laid to Rest We had a funeral for Whitney on Labor day. I had named her right before I went to the doctor and found out she was gone. The funeral director asked if I wanted to see her, but then said I shouldn't after he went and looked at her. There were some post mortem things that had happened is what he said. I still wish I had been able to see her and hold her. We buried her with a little baby blanket and a bunny rattle. My dad put his compass in there with her. It was so sweet when he gave it to me. I wanted to laugh because it was so cute, but I cried instead. that meant a lot to me when he did that. The service was nice. just a few friends and our parents. She had a tiny white casket with a wreath of white rose buds on it. After the service I didn't want to leave. It killed me to leave my daughter there. I knew that she would be alone in the cold ground. I wanted to go with her and protect her. I still wish I had more time with her that day. Mommy The days following my daughter's death have been full of many different emotions. I have been angry. I was angry with my doctor for not listening when i thought something was wrong. I was mad that no one let me see Whitney. I was angry with myself. Why couldn't I have done something to save my daughter. I am her mother. Shouldn't I have protected her? I was angry at God. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Then I was in denial. I thought if I could just wake up I would have my baby back. She wasn't really gone, it was all just a dream. I cried all the time. It just wasn't fair. There are so many children out there who's parents don't want them. I wanted my little girl. Why did she have to be the one to die? I felt numb most of the time. Other times I felt like a child. I just wanted someone to take care of me. I wanted someone to tell me everything would be all right and that they could make it better. I wanted to scream and throw a temper tantrum. Maybe that would bring my daughter back? Even a year later, I am still dealing with all these emotions. they aren't as strong as they used to be, but they do come flooding back every once in a while. I still remember Whitney everyday. I have a box full of things that I have collected to remind me of her. I have her video, her special cd, her book that I filled in while I was pregnant, her cards from the baby shower, cards from the funeral, and death announcements I sent out. I even have the book from her funeral in there with all the signatures of the people who went to the funeral in it. There are a few other things I have in there to help me remember. I just want other mother's to know that as time goes by, it will get easier. You will never forget your little angel, but you will be able to move on in your life. Whitney's Mommy Jaimie still grieving and Still grieve 2 Vist Whitney's site! Paint Me A Picture Paint me a picture of what heaven must be for im a mere mortal and i cannot see the realms that you dwell in,the places you know so paint me a picture and help me to grow in the knowledge that you now possess, impart to me wisdom,counsel and rest twirling around in the light of Gods love grant me a glimps of heaven above yes, paint me a picture with guiding hands of heavenly hosts waterfalls,angelic bands majestic mountains,singing saints places and scenes, which only could you paint and i'll wait for tommorow to come when we'll be united together-as one until then-while we must dwell apart just paint me a picture, to hold in my heart Dorothy Womack Kaitlyn's Mommy Dena stillgrieve 2