Welcome to the July Newsletter. I hope you enjoy your visit, to all those members with special days through the month out hearts go out to you. Think Of stepping on the shore and finding it Heaven~ Of taking hold of a hand and finding it God's Hand.. Of breathing a new air and finding it celestial air~ Of feeling invigorated and finding it immortality.. Of passing from storm and tempest to an unknown calm.. There is a time for tears. When your heart is too full of sorrow, they begin to flow, as naturally as rain from heaven. There is a beauty in tears, a rightness about them. They should be shed proudly, for they show how much you have lived and loved and lost. Tears honor our loved ones. There is a sacredness about them. Each one is a prayer that only God can hear. The soul could have no rainbows, if our eyes could have no tears. Ryan would be one year old on July 4th.....only if..... Ryan was born alive at 19 weeks due to placental abrubption caused by a subchorionic hematoma. What's a subchorionic hematoma? I know in great detail what it is....now. I got diagnosed with this at 13 weeks although I was bleeding before I knew I was pregnant. I was put on strict bedrest for 10 weeks. The hematoma caused incredible, spontaneous pain as well as hemorrhage-like bleeding and clots the size of fists. We were devastated to say the least. I tried to stay positive, but with every ultrasound I became terrified. The hematoma was bigger than Ryan! I felt Ryan move at 15 weeks...I had 4 weeks to feel him in my womb and I'll never forget that for as long as I live. Although his movement caused me pain, it was the most wonderful pain I ever felt! To heck with the books that say new mothers can't feel their baby until the third trimester, if you know your body, you know it's your baby! My world as I knew it came to an end on February 8, 1999 when the nurse told me if the contractions don't stop, I'm going to have this baby. The medication didn't stop the placenta from tearing and Ryan was literally thrown from my womb at 8:24 am. His heart was beating, but he was too premature to breathe. After all the medication to help with the pain, which didn't help at all, I passed out. Passed out and couldn't spend the few precious hours with my son that I won't hold again until we meet in Heaven. 11am on February 8th was the last time I saw my son. Today my arms and heart yearn to hold him...I yearn to see who he would look like, if he would have brown eyes or blue like me. I see Ryan in my nieces and nephews and wonder why his destiny was just to live in my womb. As Ryan's due date approaches and he'd be a year old, I'm so sad. I feel we have been cheated. Cheated out of a much loved, much wanted son. The grief is just under the surface, waiting for me to see a baby Ryan's age or when I see a pregnant woman. Now it's out again, in full force missing Ryan with my whole heart. But I know in my grief, Ryan is not forgotten. Written by Kathy Ryan's Mommy The Tiny Rosebud The Master Gardener from Heaven above Planted a seed in the garden of love, And from it there grew a rosebud small, That never had time to open at all. For God in His perfect and all-wise way Chose this Rose for His heavenly bouquet. And great was the joy of this tiny Rose To be the one our Father chose. To leave Earth's garden for the One on high Where rose's always bloom and never die... So while you can't see your precious Rose bloom You know the Great Gardener from "the Upper Room" Is watching this wee Rose with care Tenderly touching each petal so fair... So think of your darling with the angels above Secured and contented and surrounded by Love, And remember God blessed and enriched your lives too, For in dying your darling brought Heaven closer to you. Rocking Chairs in Heaven My darling daughter, sweet child of mine, can anyone hear you cry? Does anyone bring you beautiful toys? Do you get to play with other girls and boys? My darling son, sweet child of mine, does anyone read you books? Can you see the sun or hear the ocean waves? Do you feel the rain on warm spring days? My beautiful children, high up in heaven, does anyone hold you? Do they have rocking chairs up there beyond the stars? Can you feel my love, coming from so far? S. Williams 3/15/00 A child is now at rest For a safer place she remains A world of goodness and beauty A world without worry or pain No fear will she encounter For a better place she'll be A place where the sick are healed And where blind eyes can see Our world has forever changed Our lives are not the same But close within our hearts Her precious face remains We give to her our tears And our prayers we send above We cherish all the memories Filled with happiness and love She'll have someone to depend on A helping hand is there to lend For the Father shall be watching And in Heaven, she'll have a friend This battle is faced head on Many obstacles to overcome But in the end together, this battle will be won.