May you always walk in sunshine And God's love around you flow; for the happiness you gave us, No one will ever know. It broke our hearts to leave you, But you did not go alone; A part of us went with you the day God called you home. A million times we've needed you, A million times we've cried, If love could only have saved you, You never would have died. “OUR LITTLE ANGEL” Let me start with some background information. Greg and I started dating after we started helping to plan our 10-year class reunion. We had attended school together growing up, but had never dated. We were friends and had participated in-group activities together. After high school we went our separate ways. We both moved away and became involved with other people. When we met again, we each already had a daughter. Jessica, his daughter, was 3 and Sarah Beth, my daughter, was 2. After about 2 years, we got married. I started RN school three weeks later. We had talked about more kids. I said 2 and he said 1. I became pregnant with Katelynn about 6 months after we got married. She wasn’t planned, but we were excited. I was working full time as a LPN and going to school, so I knew it wouldn’t be easy. But everything worked out well. She was born on July 31, 1996. After she was born, I took the Depo-Provera shots for birth control. I took 2 of them three months apart. After that it took about 20 months for me to get pregnant again. I had just about given up trying. A friend of mine was pregnant and she told me to take a test. I had already taken several over the past few months and they were always negative, so I just wasn’t worrying about it anymore. Boy was I shocked when it was positive! We were both very excited again. From then on my pregnancy was completely different from the first two. I spotted some. Not a lot. I never felt like I was about to lose my baby, but it did worry me. I knew that it was not unusual. But it was for me. On December 28, 1998, I was at the doctor and he couldn’t find the heartbeat. We thought that I was further along than I was. I went to the hospital for an immediate ultrasound. Everything was fine; I just wasn’t as far along as we thought. That was a big relief. In February 1999, my daughter was exposed to fifth’s disease at school. I was vaguely familiar with it. She brought home a note from the school about it. It was only dangerous if you were pregnant. Her teacher was extremely worried. I looked it up (being the nurse that I am!) and my books and everything else that I could find said that it caused fetal demise. I asked several doctors about it and they weren’t worried about it. Then, of course, Sarah Beth broke out in the rash. At this point I had already been exposed and there was nothing that could be done. About 7-10 days later, I broke out in the rash. The doctors still weren’t worried because they had never encountered any problems with it. Well, I recovered and everything seemed just fine and normal. When I was about seven months pregnant I started feeling little flutter like movements. These weren’t normal kicks and they weren’t hiccups. Sarah Beth is on medication to control seizures, so the first think that I thought of was seizures. I even told a couple of my nurse friends that I thought she was having seizures. I never told my doctor because even I thought that I was being a “crazy” pregnant woman. During my eighth month, I told my mom that I didn’t think that she was moving enough. Again, I thought that I was just being “crazy”. I didn’t tell my doctor about this either. Every time that I have been pregnant, I have had pregnancy-induced hypertension at the end of my pregnancy. Each time was a little worse. The first two times I was induced and delivered on my due date. This time I was induced at 38 weeks because of my blood pressure and I was having severe headaches with it. We went to the hospital on July 2, 1999 at about 5:30 p.m. to begin the induction. That evening we started with the Cervidil (sp?) suppository to make the cervix ready for delivery. During the night the contractions began but no changes were noticed in my cervix. The doctor and us had hoped that this would be enough to put me into labor since it was my third baby. The next morning the pitocin was started in my IV about 6:30 a.m. By midmorning I was having strong contractions, but still not a lot of progress was made. The doctor broke my water. I have never seen so much water in my life! It ran off both sides of the bed and into the floor! Even my nurse (who happens to be one of my best friends) said that it was a lot of water. Not long later my epidural was done. It never seemed to work and the CRNA had to come back and give me more medication in it. It still wasn’t stopping the pain. At some point during this time, I tore in my left lower part of my abdomen. I didn’t know that was what I was feeling at that point I just knew that it was a strong, burning pain. It was either a ligament or muscle that hold the uterus. My uterus was fine. Sometime later the CRNA was called back out to take out my epidural and completely redone. My blood pressure went way down. My nurse was worried about it. I didn’t know that at the time. My doctor was in and out all day. He was really worried about us. Things went on but I still wasn’t making the progress that I should have been making. About 10:00 p.m. I had dilated to about 8 cm. My doctor was worried about my blood pressure and the baby. He tried using forceps and suction to help get her out, but didn’t work. After about thirty minutes, we still weren’t making any progress. I think that she was turned a little to the side. At this point the doctor said that he thought that I needed a caesarean section. Greg and I trusted him and felt that we should follow his advice. I remember on the way to surgery that I was getting some medicine in my IV line. Of course, being a nurse, I had to ask what it was. It was something for my blood pressure. I had to ask what my blood pressure was-79! I stayed awake during surgery. I am very glad of this because otherwise she probably would have been at the Children’s Hospital before I woke up. Everything was fairly quiet during surgery, but when the doctor asked what time it was, it seemed so loud. It was 23:31 or 11:31 p.m. After that it was the loudest silence that I have ever heard in my life. She never cried. Nothing. I could hear them working on her. I knew it wasn’t good. Looking back now, I was never surprised. I think that the Lord was preparing me with everything that had happened before she was born. When I was lying on the operating table, I remember asking everyone if anyone had talked to my husband. “Has anyone talked to Greg, yet?” I didn’t know it at the time, but I was also having trouble of my own. I was losing a lot of blood. My doctor was afraid that he was going to have to do a hysterectomy. He knew that was not what I wanted, but if it were all that he could do to stop the bleeding then it would have to be done. I tried to think positive even then. No more monthly visitors!! He called in another surgeon and thankfully they did not have to do a hysterectomy. Before they took me to recovery, they let me look at my baby girl. All I could see was the top of her head because of the way she was laying. She had a headful of dark hair. Probably as much as our other three put together! After I got to recovery, I asked for Greg several times and they let him come in. Then I let them give me something to put me to sleep. Of course, I had to tell them what they could give me! Always a nurse! I vaguely remember being in my room. Greg and my nurse/friend were with me when the crew from Angel Flight brought Maclaine Elise to see me. Even as dopey on medication as I was, I remember thinking: “They are bringing her to me because they think that I will never see her again!” I found out later that they always bring the baby to mom before they leave with them. I managed to sit up enough to touch her foot. They had her wrapped in plastic wrap to keep her warm. She was on the ventilator. They were getting ready to fly 100 miles away with her in a helicopter to the only children’s hospital in the state of Arkansas. My husband left then and his dad took him to Little Rock to be with our baby. My folks were here for me. I knew that he was where he needed to be, but I wished I could be there with him! On Sunday morning I remember sitting on the side of my hospital bed and looking at the trashcan across the room (only because it was in my line of vision) and thinking that this wasn’t supposed to happen to me. It was supposed to happen to other people! I think that all people who lose someone close to them feel this way. During the day I called and spoke with her nurse several times. No real changes were reported. About midafternoon, Greg called. I found out later that he had already called the nurses’ station and my mom so that I wouldn’t be alone when he called me. His voice just sounded terrible! I will never forget him telling me “things didn’t look good for our little girl”. At this point I just lost it. I started crying and couldn’t stop. The nurses must have spoken with my doctor, because they came in quickly with a shot to relax me. It worked! I barely remember my brother-in-law and his wife being there. The next morning I called and spoke with her nurse again. She said that she was going to let Daddy hold her that morning. I knew then that things were not good. I decided that I was going to go to her that morning. The nurses spoke with my doctor and arranged a leave of absence for me. They thought that I was going to go and see her and they come back that same day. They talked about sending me by ambulance, but my mom and a friend and a nurse/friend went with me. I left about 30 hours after major surgery with complications. My doctor was wonderful. He never put a stumbling block in my way. He understood how I was feeling. That was a long trip, but it passed in pretty much of a daze. When I arrived at the children’s hospital, we located a wheelchair and I pretty much stayed in it. I couldn’t walk far without getting weak. I got to go straight in to see her. Her daddy was holding her. I didn’t even know what to say. I just touched her. She was so soft! She looks so much like Katey! After a little while, I “forced” daddy to let me hold her. I could have sat there with her forever!! It was wonderful to finally get to hold her. They wanted to do an EEG to check brain activity, so we went to lunch. After the test we had a meeting with her doctor. He told us the truth from the beginning. She was essentially brain dead. She couldn’t think. She couldn’t even control her own body temperature. They said that if we kept her on life support for 10 days, she probably could learn to breathe on her own, but that would be it. He said that she would never know love. That is one thing that I will never accept. I think that she knew us. One time in particular, her heart rate was up some and the nurse placed her in my arms and it settled down. She knew that mama was holding her! Once we knew the results of her test, our first thought was organ donation. I have always thought that that was the right thing to do. It is something that is somewhat difficult to follow through with when your baby is involved. She was declared brain dead on Tuesday, July 6, 1999 at 12:20 p.m. At that point we could start the organ donation process. They did lots of tests. They made many calls trying to locate a small child/baby that would be a tissue match. That afternoon our pastor drove 100 miles to perform a dedication ceremony. It was very special and most of our family was able to be there. The staff was amazed at all of our support. Before the ceremony we gave her a bath. We took many pictures and videos of her sisters holding and bathing her. It will always be so precious to us. The staff gave us all the time that we needed to bond with her and to say our good byes. Early that evening our parents left and took our other 3 girls with them so that we could have some time alone with her. We took turns holding her and loving on her. It was very special. We found out about 10:00 p.m. that night that they thought they had a match. A 6-week-old baby boy in Michigan needed a new heart. At first I thought this was wonderful, but later I remember thinking “I can’t send my baby to surgery for them to cut her heart out”. On the heals of that thought were thoughts of a family in Michigan that must be so excited. I knew that I couldn’t change my mind. If a new organ would have saved Maclaine’s life, we would not have hesitated in taking it! The told us that the team from Michigan would be at the hospital about 1:00 a.m. We took advantage of our time to say our good byes to “Our Little Angel”. We were given as much quiet time as we needed from the staff. Leaving that night was the most difficult thing that I have ever done. Greg had to lead me out. I would probably still be sitting there, otherwise! We went and sat in the snack bar. We didn’t know what else to do. After an hour or so, we went back to the Ronald McDonald House where we were staying. We looked through all the stuff that we had brought back of hers from the hospital. We cried. We held each other. The next day, actually it was later that same morning, we returned to the hospital. We brought her back home ourselves. Greg’s dad drove back up and picked us up. We couldn’t bring ourselves to leave her so far away. I am so glad that we did that. During our whole experience of losing our daughter, we have received many blessings. The Arkansas Children’s Hospital was fantastic to us. We still hear from her primary nurse. We received Mother’s Day and Father’s Day cards from her. It is so touching that she remembers our daughters and us after almost a year. About 2 months after the surgery I sent a letter to the family of the baby that received her heart. It took about 2 months to receive a reply since it had to go through our agency and theirs before we got them. We have been very blessed with Sammy and his family. They are just who we would have picked if we could have. They are a close family with strong Christian values. We have kept in close contact. We have exchanged emails, letters, phone calls, pictures and videos. We have cried “good” tears. They were wonderful enough to come and see us in May 2000. We got to help celebrate his first birthday. That was fabulous! He is doing very well and has had no sign of rejection. His parents and his doctors watch him very closely. Of course while they were here we listened to HER heart in HIS chest. It was an awesome experience. Also a very emotional experience. We are looking forward to watching him grow up and grow strong. It is our desire that he is able to live a happy and normal life. We are so proud of “Our Little Angel” that she was able to give the give the gift of life to another. You can view pictures on her website that her daddy made for her with much love. He is still working on it and planning to add Samuel’s story, too. http://clainescorner.com I would love to hear from anyone who has any questions or comments. My email address is: donormom@clainescorner.com. Another Gift From Above God sent an angel from above; She came and filled our lives with love. She never cried nor spoke a word, But what she said was plainly heard: “Our Father above is so, so wise; And what I have to give can’t be judged by my size. A lifetime of love in three short days, I’ll share with you all, then be gone away. Family and friends, loved ones around, Comfort and strength, in them may be found. Heaven’s gates open wide; the blessings will flow; All signs of God’s grace - His love you will know. One final gift before life is done, To a man, his wife, and their little son. A gift of life, one I cannot keep, My heart I give, then I will sleep. Our Father above, He sees, He knows, He feels your pain; For His Child died too - Jesus Christ is His name. A promise from God - this is not the end; When He calls you home, we will meet again. Until that time, in God’s care you’ll be; He’ll carry you through, just like He holds me.” Love, Daddy By Maclaine's Daddy We've known lots of pleasure, The Cord We are connected, My child and I, by An invisible cord Not seen by the eye. It's not like the cord That connects us til birth This cord can't be seen By any on Earth. This cord does it's work Right from the start. It binds us together Attached to my heart. I know that it's there Though no one can see The invisible cord From my child to me. The strength of this cord Is hard to describe. It can't be destroyed It can't be denied. It's stronger than any cord Man could create It withstands the test can hold any weight. And though you are gone, Though you're not here with me, The cord is still there But no one can see. It pulls at my heart I am bruised...I am sore, But this cord is my lifeline As never before. I am thankful that God connects us thsi way A mother and child Death can't take it away. At times endured pain, We've lived in the sunshine And walked in the rain. But now we're seperated And for a time apart, But I am not alone- You're forever in my heart. Death always seems so sudden, And it is always sure, But what is oft' forgotten- It is not without a cure. I'm walking now with someone, And I know He'll always stay, I know He's walking with you too, Giving comfort everyday. There may be times you miss me, I sort of hope you do, But smile when you think of me, For I'll be waiting for you. Now there's many things for you to do, And lots of ways to grow, So get busy, be happy,and live your life, Miss me, but let me go.