My Precious Ashley, I don't even know where to begin. I cannot believe that it has been years since I had to tell you goodbye. I wish so badly that I could see you again, even if only for a moment- that I could hold you in my arms, kiss your beautiful face, touch your tiny hands, smell your sweet baby smell. I had so many hopes for you. I dreamed of watching you take your first steps, hearing you call me "Mommy", & seeing you play endlessly with your big brother. I envisioned taking you to your first day of school & crying as I sent you off. I saw myself at your first dance recitals & school plays. There were so many dreams - never was saying goodbye one of them. I remember the day we found out you couldn't stay. I can still see the woman's face as she was doing the ultrasound. She wouldn't let me see you. Then she told me that the doctors wanted to speak with us. At that moment, without needing to ask, I knew two things in my heart. First, that my hopes were not to be, that you would leave us, and second that you were the little girl I had dreamed of. The doctors took your Dad & I into a room & confirmed what I already knew deep down inside. They told us you had Anencephaly. The major portion of your brain was unformed. Then came those horrible words that even today still echo in my ears..."the condition is incompatible with life". It wasn't my fault they said. I didn't believe them. How could it not be? I am your Mommy. I should have been able to protect you, & instead I was completely helpless, I could do nothing to save you. We had to make the most painful decision of our lives, continue to carry you knowing that you most likely wouldn't survive the delivery, or be induced early & send you home. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing you suffer through the painful seizures that so often accompany Anencephaly if you did briefly survive. I did not want you to feel one second of pain, I only wanted you to know love - so we chose to let you go. You were four months early. You weighed only 8 ounces & were 9 1/2 inches long - but you were the most beautiful little girl I had ever laid eyes on. I held you, sang our song to you, and tried desperately to fit a lifetime of "I love you's" into a few precious moments. I left the hospital that day never having felt so sad & empty. All I wanted was you. We buried you in a beautiful cemetery, surrounded by lots of God's other littlest angels. Now your angel cousin Kate is with you. I know you two are playing in Heaven together. I see you in my dreams, feel your presence & know you are watching over us all every day. I miss you so much, Ashley, even more today than the day you left us. I see Michael & your little sister Jillian playing together & can't help but think that you should be here with them. I know that you are safe, happy and whole in Jesus's arms, I just wish you could be in mine. It has been said that God always takes the best, & He certainly did. I will love you forever, Ashley, you live on for all eternity in my heart. I know I will see you again in Heaven, my angel baby. I'll keep sending hugs and kisses to you until God calls me home, & you are in my arms again, forever. Love Always, Mommy Jenn Still grieve 3 Visit Ashley's Home Page In January of 1997 my husband Brian and I found out that we were expecting our second child. We were delighted as we had been trying for a year and a half to get pregnant. Our son Tommy (who was 3 at that time) was very excited also. He didn't care if the baby was a boy or a girl--he wanted it to be a Barney!!! Things went along smoothly until the 16th week of my pregnancy when my doctor couldn't find a heart beat. So, I had an ultra sound done to see if they could find the heartbeat that way. Well, the ultrasound revealed both good and bad news: we were having a girl,(which was the good news) but the bad news was that she had a heart defect. Her heart was beating too slowly (55-60 bpm) when it should've been beating at 120-160bpm. My family practice doctor sent my husband and I to specialists in Omaha. We were seeing a pediatric cardiologist from Children's Hospital and a perinatologist from Methodist Hospital. They performed more sophisticated tests and watched Faith (my daughter) very closely for signs of heart failure. Eventually we came to find out that she had several other structural heart defects besides the slow heart rate. We were seeing these doctors every other week at first, then toward the end of the pregnancy we saw them twice a week. They never expected me to carry her to the 26th week. They thought for sure that she would die before birth--one of her doctors even said that he never saw a baby as sick as she was fight for as long as she had. His nurse agreed. They were just amazed by her fighting spirit. We had so many people (all across the world) praying for her. I can't even count how many. Everybody in our church and churches all across the country were praying for her. At the time, I was involved in a prison ministry and I will never forget the care and concern these "hard, tough men" had for my little unborn baby. Finally, on August 15, 1997 (a Holy Day in the Catholic Church) the doctor saw a build up of fluid in Faith's tummy and in her heart....a sign of congestive heart failure. They did an emergency C-section and she was born. Her birth is a moment I will never forget! She looked so beautiful with her black hair and violet eyes, she was small (3lbs. 12 oz) but she still looked stocky. Her cries sounded like those of a kitten. I saw her briefly while she was baptized and then they intubated her and whisked her off to the NICU to have a heart catherization and a pacemaker placed. She remained in the NICU for the next couple days while the doctors looked her over and decided what they could do for her. As it turned out there was nothing they could do for her. Due to the complex nature of her heart disease, there was no surgery they could perform. Her only option was a heart transplant and even that wouldn't work because her heart became so enlarged (due to the disease) that it filled her chest and left no room for her lungs to grow. So, we had the option of leaving her on the machines until infection set in or her organs completely failed (which would be within a week). So, after talking with our preist and our family we decided to take her off the machines and hold her until she passed away. She lived for an hour and a half off of life support. We took lots of pictures, dressed her all pretty, sang to her, loved her and kissed her . Basically, we lived a lifetime with her in that hour and a half. On August 23, 1997 we had her funeral (the day before my son's fourth birthday). Faith's grave is in Babyland and we decorate the grave for holidays and seasons. Since her passing, the Lord has put the fire in my heart to help others and in December of 1999 I started a SHARE pregnancy and infant loss support group in my community. We have over 25 members now and I consider it my tribute to my daughter. I have since gone on to have another baby, Winter Joy, (15 months old). She is perfectly healthy and has filled my empty arms, but will never take Faith's place. Jen Moore Stillgrieving Visit Faith's Home Page Happy Heavenly Birthday Faith My Darling Angel Faith,This is your third Heavenly Birthday. Can you see us celebrating down here? You, our Special Guest of Honor is not here with us. But, we will have your special cake and light your candles - you're supposed to be here to blow them out - but Tommy and Winter will do it for you. Oh, how very much we miss you. So---I will imagine how you look today. Your hair is long and black and curly with your beautiful big violet eyes. You have on a long white frilly white gown with lavender bows, and a lavender ribbon in your hair. Your little wings are so fluffy and white. Your feet are bare, and your tiny little toes are so cute! My! What a beautiful sight!! So, little one, I will have to keep on imagining - until we meet again. I will hold you in my heart - until I can hold you in my arms. Your Mammaw----Grandma Bear To a Sweet Little Girl from her Grandpa The one thing that haunts me yet today, I feel so very bad about, is when the family, friends, and all were at the gravesite. There were three rows of folding chairs for the immediate family, all the others stood behind our chairs, and as the Priest finished the final prayers and announced that this was the conclusion and the Priest walked away - but we were all sat there, not anyone moving, not even those standing. It seemed like forever. The silence so deep and echoed around me. Finally, after about an eternity (actually 10 or 15 minutes), I could not stand the stillness any longer. I suppose everyone was waiting on the family to move first but none of us could in the depth of our sadness. In the stillness, I rose up from my chair and it was like I floated over to where Jennifer and Brian were seated, looking sickly white with tears streaming down. I took Jennifer's hand, it felt stiff as a board and she would not get up. I felt that no one would leave until Jenny and her family did, and they weren't budging at that time. I stood there mumbling something, I could not even hear myself in the silence. And like the song says, that echoes in my mind. See SILENCE ECHO'S in the poems page of our URL, that meant so much to me. I'm gonna live my life like every day is the last Without a simple good-bye it all goes by so fast, and now that you're gone, I can't cry hard enough, no I can't cry hard enough, for you to hear me now. Gonna open my eyes and see for the first time, I let go of you, like a child letting go of her kite - there it goes up in the sky, there it goes! beyond the clouds, for no reason why - I can't cry hard enough, no I can't cry hard enough - for you to hear me now. When I look back in vain, hoping to see you standing there, when all that remains is just an empty (chair) Now that you're gone - Can't cry hard enough, no I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now. And times when I'm there, and we've had our talk, I must walk away - leave you here beneath this mound of clay. And I feel so empty, as I turn to go - well my heart lies there beside you, dark eyes you know, dark eyes you know. Grandpa loves you, my little flower. Grandpa Bear Visit the Bears pages!! When I was 22 weeks we had a routine scan done. Things didnt go to well as the doc thought the baby had something wrong with his heart, only 3 chambers. I was in and out of different rooms with vagina scans and normal scans being done over the next 5 hours. Every thing seems ok said the doc so after a terrifying time we went home. We are also told the baby is a boy whom we call Thomas. My doctor was not happy with this as he said you have the scan to be sure every thing is ok so back we went at 26 weeks. It took 5 minutes. No everything is not ok. Devestation. It appears the baby only has 3 heart chambers. Two of those being joined.What do you say. How do you feel. Like screaming, crying. I did. The scan doc told us he didnt think Thomas would suvive full term or would die soon after. We were booked in to see a heart specalist the next day.No he thought things werent as bad as that. After consulting with lots of doc they said that Thomas would not need an operation until he was about 3 weeks old We were told that in these sort of cases the babies heart duct remain open so the blood can flow through and although he would not be a marathon runner he would survive. Things went along well. I had a c-section on the 20th August Thomas was 9lb 15oz and looked great. I went to neo-natals to see him after i had been stitched.He was beautiful.Ithen went back up to my room. Minutes later the doc came in and said things were not going to well. They needed to put him on a ventalator and get him Melbourne (A 2 hour flight from home) Thomas duct had closed down. He needed to be operated on. Thomas' dad flew to Melb although not on the same plane as there was not enough room with all the staff and equipment I had to stay back because of the surgury.It was so hard, worrying about Thomas and Phillip who was all alone facing some tough times.The docs in Melb ran tests over the next 2 days giving me enough time to get to Melb on the 22nd. Surgury was set for the morning of the 23rd. Thomas survived the 9 hour surgury but we were told things had been more complicated than they had thought. They also had done a switch operation as his main vessels were wrong. There was a few other problems too. Thomas survuved the next 24 hours without a beep from the 16 machines he was hooked to.It was now the 24th and my 33rd birthday.What a great present.But then our nightmare began. With 30 secs every thing went wrong.They worked on him for 2 hours but they couldnt give us the miracle we so despertly wanted.Thomas our beautiful baby was dead. Lung heamorrage due to the operation. We were stuck away from home away from any one we knew just the 3 of us. The staff were great. Thomas spent the rest of the night with us. They were wonderful hours I will hold in my heart forever. I still get that lump in my throat and the tears well up in my eyes as I write my our story. We came home. Our other children too were devestated.What a nightmare trying to cope with your grief and that of 9 other siblings. We hopefully have managed to pull through the worst of it.Grieving is what they told us to do, and that is what we did. Every one was crying at some time but it made us face it we could not hide from it. We celebrate Thomas' life on his birthday for we are glad he came into our world if only for a short time. I could write for ages but you might get sick of reading so you have a short story of our baby Thomas' life. We miss him dearly, Lyndy Stillgrieving Angel Wings A precious angel slipped away, no one heard a cry. No time for Dad and Mommy to sing me lullabies. My time with you was much too short. I had to leave too soon, But love had joined us as I grew inside my Mommy's womb. It wove it's way within our hearts, in all our hopes and dreams, Until the very purest love became my tiny wings. Although I could not stay with you, I knew right from the start, That once you felt your angel's love, you'd keep me in your hearts. I'm just a little angel but my time was not in vain. As dark clouds that surround you give way unto the sun, My precious parents you will see that any heart will sing, If only for a moment it is brushed by angel wings. By Jean Rozon Mommy Laura still grieve 2