Tristan John Honkola
9-19-1999
I became pregnant with Tristan when my daughter was a year old. We were so happy as we have always wanted a big family. Everything was fine until I was 20 weeks along and got the results of my Triple Screen blood test back. I will never forget that phone call. I kept thinking, " No this couldn't possibly happen to me again. God couldn't possibly take another child from me." The results showed that I had a 1 in 60 chance of having a baby with Trisomy 18. I didn't know exactly what it was, but knew what Trisomy 21 was (Down's Syndrome). My doctor transferred me to Duluth to make an appointment with a genetic specialist. The lady who made the appointment with me scared the living daylights out of me, by saying that babies with Trisomy 18 never make it and have much worse effects than Down's babies. I was crying uncontrollably and had to wait three days before seeing the specialist. They were very long days and very stressful days.
Finally we went to the appointment and talked to a counselor first who told us what it was and was much better at explaining things. She showed us pictures and prepared us for what to expect. She also took a genetic history from us. Then we had the ultrasound with a fantastic lady. She said he looked good and was the right size for 20 weeks. We also found out really plainly that he was a boy! I didn't even have to ask as it was so clear on the screen as to his sex. Then the doctor came in and gave me an amnio. Now the really hard part was waiting for the results to come back. It was pure agony not knowing and wondering. Finally they were in and he was perfectly normal!!!! Phew! What a relief we thought. Things went very well from then on. They also changed my due date from this ultrasound. My original due date was 9-2-1999, but changed to 9-14-1999. Which I thought was a huge difference.
When I was 37 weeks, I asked my doctor to check me to see if I was ready as I have a history of having very big children and I have very painful vericous veins that are very difficult at the end of my pregnancies. She checked me that day and said I was only a one and totally not ready. She kept checking me every week and I hadn't changed. Now you must consider that I was a high risk pregnancy even before I got the results of the Triple Screen blood test. This is because I have a history of toxemia, high blood pressure, high weight gain, big babies, overdue, and meconium had happened with one of my babies. And I also bleed for no reason and my cervix tore with one of my children. Not only that I had been on bed rest with two of them and my first had the cord wrapped around his neck. So my pregnancies had many different complications. And with the results of that test I should have been high risk. When I was almost 40 weeks, she told me that she would not let me go past 40 weeks for sure because of my history. So I was hopeful and happy to know that in less than a week my baby would be here with us. She set up a day to be induced on 9-9-1999. I had been induced with my last two and had them the same day. We were happy and thought it would be really neat to have a baby on that day, especially weighing 9 lbs, 9 oz and born at 9pm.
They started me with pitossin and prostagladins and kept upping the dose and nothing happened--only minor contractions. I was at full doses of both and was given the choice to go home or stay overnight and try cervidil. We stayed overnight. At about 10:30 pm, the new nurse was checking me and noticed that his heartbeat was high. It had been high all day on and off. And he had moved almost nonstop all day. More than he ever had before. She was a little concerned and asked me to lay on my left side. I became alarmed and I knew something wasn't right. I kept thinking about how much he moved and his heart rate being high, so I asked for a c-section. The other nurse told me you know she won't give you one unless it is an emergency. I felt it was, but no one agreed. The next morning, my doctor came to check me and told me I was now a loose 2 and all the pitossin in the world wasn't going to make him come if he wasn't ready. So I was monitored for 15 minutes. I was still having contractions and the nurse asked me if I wanted to stay because of them and I said no. At that time, I figured it was pointless to stay and was tired and wanted to go home. When I got home, I was still having contractions and lost a whole bunch of my plug, so I called the hospital back. They said not to come in unless my contractions got stronger. Well they didn't and finally went away. I kept losing lots of stuff for the next few days, so when my doctor's appointment came on the 15th, I thought for sure she would tell me I was ready and would try inducing again. No she said you are the same and she told me she was going out of town, so she wanted to see me before she went. So she made an appointment for Monday the 20th, and told me if I was more ready then, that we would try inducing again on the 21st. I never made it to that appointment.
On Sunday the 19th, I starting having contractions, but real minor ones so I didn't become alarmed as he was moving around. I thought hopefully they would get stronger and this would be the day. About two hours later they become stronger and more regular, so I called the hospital and at first she told me not to come in and wait, but she heard me have a contraction on the phone and had me come. It is a 20 minute ride from our house,so we left. When we got there, a nurse we knew was on duty and said, it's about time!" We went to the room and she hooked me up and couldn't find his heartbeat. At first I was not alarmed as, they had had trouble before finding it. Then she left to get the Doppler and I became literally terrified. I kept moving my belly trying to get him to kick me and he wouldn't. She came back and tried again, but couldn't find it. She left again to call my doctor and ultrasound. It took 45 minutes for the ultrasound. My doctor was there before they came and asked me when he moved last which was not long before we left for the hospital. Ultrasound finally got there and starting looking. It was just horrible seeing the heart tones still on the monitor. I just couldn't believe it. I didn't even get to say hello and he was gone. My heart just broke in two as I watched everyone's faces fall and the ultrasound tech look at my doctor and burst into tears. I thought I would die there on the spot. I remember yelling, "No this can't be happening to me again. NO! NO! NO!" It was the third worst day in my life as God took my third angel home.
The whole time during the next three hours of labor, I kept thinking it was a mistake and he would fool us all. But that was not the case, he was born as silently as can be and completely perfect all 8lbs and 4 oz. He just looked like he was asleep. I also found out that I had a massive infection going on as he had had meconium which was more than likely what had poisoned him and me. I was started on antibiotics. We did not have an autopsy done as we had with Jamie and found out nothing then. The hospital I stayed at gave me some momentos. Six pictures, a lock of his hair, his footprints and a birth announcement. The nurses were all nice. I held him for a long time, but it was not enough and I regret that. I did not know what my rights were as I was in shock. I was given a book called, "Empty Arms" but was not told it had helpful things in it for when you are in the hospital. I did not read this book until two weeks after he was gone. If I would have known in the hospital that it contained what my rights were I would have read it then. I remember just wanting to go home in case someone else came and had a baby while I was still there. I can only hope that my story helps someone to know what their rights are and find them out while they are still in the hospital. If I would have known I could have brought him home I might have. If I would have known I could have dressed him in the little outfits we had brought for him I would have. I would have took more pictures. I would have held him more. I would have had his hand prints done. I just did not know you could do these things as no one told me. I would have done so much differently if only I had known. I regret this and always will.
A few days after he was born, I had to go back to see my doctor because of the infection. It was gone, but my pain was not. She made us wait in that room for over a half hour with all those pregnant woman coming and going and kept pushing anti-depressants on me. I left there feeling more upset than I already was. A friend that used to work at that hospital told me to sue for wrongful death as they should have never let me go and I did not have any of the high-risk tests done at the end of my pregnancy. I got my medical records after that. I found out that Tristan's placenta was way too small for how big he was. It was not nourishing him the way it was supposed to. I also found out that Jamie's was small too. I asked her these questions at my post partum check-up. She said she didn't know why and that the high risk pg tests wouldn't have done anything different. She said it is possible that my original due dates were correct and if that was the case then I was over 42 weeks pg when he was born. I feel that if they would have given the c-section I asked for everything would have been fine. I also found out after looking at my records, that on the 9th she said in the records that she gave me the option to be induced again on the 10th but that I elected to go home. She never gave me that option. John and I have gone over it a million times. We would have never left that hospital if I knew they would induce me again. I had even told her I wasn't leaving the hospital without my baby. When I confronted her about this she told me she did give me that option and I was just to tired to try again. It was all a lie. There is no way I wouldn't have tried again as I was in pain and wanted him out and I was worried that something was wrong with him. But there isn't a thing I can do about it now. Suing them would not bring him back. If only I could turn back time......if only we all could turn back time. My precious darling boy, I love you so much and miss you tremendously. Your daddy and I both do. We will wait until the day we can hold you in our arms again. In loving memory of Tristan John Honkola, laid to rest on September 21, 1999 with his brother, Jamie.
Here is a poem I wrote for you with
all of my heart:
Treasure, a joyful treasure you are and always will be
Remember how much I miss you and long for you to be near me
I will always love you and hold you in my heart
So that we will never be apart
Time will stand still the day we finally meet again
As we will hold you like it should have always been
Never forget how much you mean to us and how much we wanted you
Just remember me in the soft morning dew
On rainy days and sunny ones too
Hold on to me and wait for me
Now and forever until it is the way it should be
Hear me in the clouds when I am sad
Offer me a sign and let me feel glad
Never to forget the joy of carrying you
Kicking me and telling me not to be blue
Of my memories most of all never forget how much
Love I had for you and the grip of my soul
Always tugging my heart when I think of you
Mother, please don't mourn for me;
I'm still here, though you don't see,
I'm right by your side each night and day,
And within your heart I long to stay.
My body is gone, but I'm always near;
I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart,
As long as you keep me alive in your heart.
I'll never wander out of your sight;
I'm the brightest star on a summer night.
I'll never be beyond your reach;
I'm the warm, moist sand when you're at the beach.
I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around,
And the pure white snow, that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond;
The clear, cool water in a quiet pond.
I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in Spring;
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
And you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.
When you start thinking there's no one to love you,
You can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
And you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.
I'm the hot salty tears, that flow when you weep,
And the beautiful dreams that
And the beautiful dreams that come when you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face;
Just look for me, Mom, I'm every place.
Author Unknown
