Jamie Robert Honkola
4-28-1994 to 10-28-1996
You're A Special Little Spirit
"You're a Special Little Spirit,"
the all great Master said,
As he gently caressed the curly blond hair
of the Little Spirit's Head.
"you need to go to Earth to spend some time,
you know,
A place I send most Spirits to be tested,
to learn, to grow.
The Little Spirit, in sadness,
slowly bowed her head,
And from her eye a tear did steal
and down her cheek it shed.
"Don't you fret now little one,
I won't let you stay too long,
I'll bring you back to help me here,
You'll hardly know you've been gone.
You're my choicest Little Spirit,
you're the apple of my eye."
And he wiped the tear and
gently kissed His Little Spirit good-bye.
"I'm back," the Little Spirit whispered,
as she climbed onto her Master's knee,
And the Master said, "I told you, you would not
be long away from me."
And then, the Lord, He noticed
still another tear welled in her eye.
"Why are you so sad, Little Spirit,
whatever should make you cry?"
"I'm glad I'm back," the Spirit said,
"but Master you must surely know,
When your angel came to get me,
I didn't want to go.
I know you said you needed me and that
I'd be gone the shortest while,
But Lord, couldn't I have had a
little longer earthly trial?"
The Master let the Little Spirit
slip down from His knee,
He firmly took the little hand and said,
"Come walk with me."
The Little Spirit and her Lord
walked slowly hand in hand,
As the Master explained Her special part
in the great and marvelous plan.
"Now Lord, I don't mean to argue,
I understand you need me home.
But I left in such a hurry,
I left everyone hurting and so alone.
I didn't let my earthly parents know
how much I loved them so.
I was much too small to tell them,
Lord, how will they ever know?
They feel they've been cheated,
and in a way so do I.
Not getting to share any more than we did,
how can I ever tell them why?"
"Little Spirit, I know your heart is heavy
with the message you need to share.
But you need not worry anymore,
I'll watch over your loved ones there.
I'll send them loving comfort
as a strong and helping hand.
I'll content and give peace to their aching hearts,
so they will understand.
The Little Spirit looked up at her Master and said
"Thank you for explaining it to me.
And could you please tell them I'm safe and happy
and that someday they'll be here with me."
"Yes," said the Lord with a smile and a nod,
"I'll tell them all that I can."
Then the others came to see the Little Spirit,
as the Lord let go of her hand.
He said, "I'll tell them you're pure,
as pure as Heaven's Gold,
That I needed the warmth of your perfect soul
to keep Heaven from getting cold."
~Author Unknown
I became pregnant with my son, Jamie not too long after I had met his wonderful father, my soul mate. I was very happy to be pregnant. I wanted a girl as I had two boys, but I really just wanted a healthy baby. Jamie was the first and only pregnancy that I have had that was very healthy. No high blood pressure, no toxemia, no bleeding. It made me feel less worried when I gave birth. My doctor knew it was very important to have him placed on my stomach as my other boys had to be taken away right away due to complications. On April 28, 1994 ten days after his due date and my birthday he came out and was placed on my belly. He cried and looked so utterly perfect. Oh what a happy moment! I nicknamed him my pecan. The next day the pediatrician came in and told me he was very jittery when he cried and he had low magnesium which was unusual and rare. They gave him three shots of magnesium and set up an EEG for him when he was two weeks old. The EEG was normal which relieved me a little of my worries. Things were good for a little while.
Then when he was almost five months old, I noticed he was breathing different, sick, and not himself. So I brought him in and the doctor told me he was fine, he just had a cold. A couple of days later, I brought him back only to be told the same thing--he had a cold. Then a couple of days later he had his first of many life threatening seizures. The first one almost took him if it wouldn't have been for an excellent pediatrician--Not the same one we normally saw. He was stabilized and life flighted down to Duluth where they were better equipped to deal with his situation. We were there for five days. They did a series of tests, started therapy, and put him on Phenobarbital for seizure control. They told me he probably wouldn't have another one as his tests all came back normal. There was no reason for him to be having seizures. Oh how completely wrong they were. From this day on my poor, little precious, loving boy had nothing but seizures and various other illnesses that kept him in the hospital quite frequently.
After his first seizure, I noticed he could not roll over anymore and continually worked with him at home and with therapists. But he did not develop normally in the sense that he was not doing the things he should be doing for his age. Physically. By the time he was eight months old, it was obvious to his doctors that he was not developing at a normal rate, so they recommended he see a pediatric neurologist and a genetic specialist. I say he was so drugged on a barbiturate that this was a factor in slowing down his development. As I sure wouldn't want to do much if I was on a barbiturate everyday. He was referred to the best and seen by the best all with the same results. Every test was normal--there was no apparent reason for the seizures or the delay in his development. The genetic specialist said that it might be possible I had some infection when I was pregnant that may have caused something, but that was as close to getting any answers that we ever got. Not only did my poor baby have epilepsy. He had asthma and chronic ear infections which he had to have surgery for. And he had pneumonia, bronchitis, and several other things happen to him that put him in the hospital much more than he wanted. So much more than any of us ever wanted in his short life.
When he was 11/2 he started having little seizures along with the big ones. These seizures made him seem like a robot at times. So he was then placed on another seizure med called Tegretol. Now he had to take two different kinds of seizure meds. At this point he was in speech, occupational, and physical therapy three times a week. Every time he would make progress, he would have a major grand mal and we would be back to square one. But he never gave up. He was a fighter and very determined. He was always so full of love and joy for his family even at his sickest he had a smile that lit up the room. It was highly contagious, that smile. Oh how I miss it. The night before he was taken home to God, his grandparents were visiting. Normally when they came over he would play with them and love them up. But that night all he wanted was me. He was at the point in his development at 2 1/2 years old where he could now walk holding onto furniture and crawl. The fastest crawler in the west I called him. I suppose he learned how to crawl so fast since he couldn't walk on his own. We had recently weaned him off of Phenobarbital and he was on Tegretol and Depakene at that time. And he hadn't had a seizure for months. We were all so optimistic that maybe he was outgrowing them and the new seizure med was working finally. He even took his first couple of steps that night!!! It was so awesome to finally see him take those steps after him working so hard. He was so proud! We were so proud and so happy that night.
I had this paper due the next day for college, so I tried to work on it while his grandparents were over, but he wanted me so much that I didn't. My family has always come first, so homework always waited. I am so glad I spent that night with him. I put him to bed around 10:30. I remember he didn't want to go to bed, but it was late. I cuddled with him and rocked him a little more and reluctantly put him down. I used to play this game with him at night when I checked on him. I would get on the floor and peek through the bars and hold his hand. He loved it and so did I. My last words to him were, "Goodnight my sweet pecan, sleep tight, and sweet dreams." When I left his room I forgot to turn his fan on. He liked sleeping with it on as our whole family does. I went to bed and set my alarm for 2am as I planned on getting up while everyone was asleep to write that paper I had due. But when my alarm went off, I pressed snooze and did not actually get up until four. John hadn't went to bed until 1:30 that night and he had checked on him before he went to bed. When I got up I went right to his room to check on him. The first thing I noticed was that his fan wasn't on and then I looked over and he was awake, so I started talking to him. But a cold feeling of dread came over me as I looked in horror at him. I screamed and screamed so loud. John came running and immediately picked him up. He yelled at me to call 911. I did and then had to call them back as I couldn't remember how to give CPR. John started it and the sheriff that came didn't even know how to give it! But in my heart I knew he was gone and it was all my fault. I will never forget the doctor coming out of that dreadful room telling us they were too late and they tried their best. I still remember my screams echoing off the long silent corridor for the rest of my life. That was the worst day of my life. On October 28, 1996 my pecan went home to God.
I blamed myself and John blamed himself. You see two other dreadful times I had woken up and shot out of bed knowing he was having a seizure and saving him. And if I had just gotten up the first time my alarm went off I would have known. I could have saved him, if only I had gotten up. If only. John feels that since he had fallen asleep on the couch that night that he could have saved him because he kept hearing noises but he thought it was our cats fooling around. It took us both several months before we stopped blaming ourselves. Neither of us has ever been to therapy. And we never blamed each other which was the key in why we stayed together. We were very supportive of each other. It seemed like he went through the worst part right away and I was in denial. And then I went through the worst part and he was in denial. It was like a cycle. And it is still painful after 3 years and 4 months, but now we can remember him with more smiles than tears. I felt like we were never going to get this far. But in my heart I know he is not suffering anymore and has gone on to a much better place. And we will be with him again someday. Where he can walk and talk and say those precious three words I have always longed for him to say, "I love you." To my precious, most sweetest pecan, we love you so much and miss you terribly. We long to hold in our arms again and feel the warmth of your skin, your breath, your heart. Until that day my pecan remember how much we all love you. In loving memory of Jamie Robert Honkola, laid to rest on October 30, 1996.
Here is a poem I wrote for you with all my heart:
Just when I thought you were better, you left forever
After you were gone, I was left with my heart torn and so forlorn
My mind was raging, "How could this be? Your supposed to be with me!"
I heard the wind whisper you name and thought I was to blame
Ever after was just a dream and I fell apart at the seam
Remember me in your heart, so that we will never be apart
Often I think of you when I am happy, when I am lonely, and when I am blue
Because you are my rare jewel, and I have learned that life can be, oh, so cruel
Every day is a new dawn that reminds me of how long you have been gone
Running, playing, and talking in your new home, forever on the roam
Time is to be treasured and happiness should never be measured
Holding and cuddling you is what I long so much to do
Oh how I wish I knew of a way that I could be with you
Never a day goes by that I don't dream of our love and sigh
Kindness, love, and smiles you only knew even after what you had been through
Often you suffered, but you still showed me the meaning of love too
Laughing and hugging, bent on bringing happiness wherever you went
Always remember, my pecan, that I miss you and love you with all my heart and soul!
