6/25/02
I
found out that I was pregnant by doing two home pregnancy tests.
I really didn't believe the first one, so I needed that second
one before I'd trust what the results said. Positive. Yep, I am
pregnant.
I
know that some women get their first panic attacks during a pregnancy,
I know that some women have a the joy of having all panic symptoms
disappear for their pregnancy and I know some women get worse.
Immediately I wondered about how I'd react.
Well,
turns out I am one of the women who panic more. I don't know why,
and I wish it weren't like this because it scares me every second
of the day and I just can't seem to let go of these worries, doubts
and fears - not even for one moment. Even at night, I have nightmlares,
disturbing vivid dreams, I don't remember sleeping well since
I found out that I was pregnant.
Now,
I've had two children already - so I'm not new to pregnancy -
just new to panic attacks AND pregnancy - so this is a whole new
realm for me! My youngest child was born in 1991, right before
my first panic attack.
Right
now I am 8 weeks pregnant. I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I
have taken xanax, an anti-anxiety medicine of the benzodiazapine
family which I know from research from information available online
that it is not exactly the safest medicine to take while you're
pregnant - although, if you're like me, you know it's the only
thing that will take away a panic attack. I'm scared because I
don't know if I've harmed the baby, I don't know so many things!
My first appointment to see an obstetrician is in 2 weeks, so
I am crossing my fingers that time will fly. Meanwhile, I've been
getting alot of people writing to me (keep writing!!!) telling
me that they took an antidepressant, or an antianxiety medicine
throughout their pregnancy and that all was fine. I also gte emails
saying what I already know - that it's not the best idea. I think
I've heard from about 100 people now and nobody has actually seen
or heard of negative outcomes from taking these medicines, so
I am feeling a bit better .. but still, nowhere near relieved.
Symptoms
that I'm having are typical of pregnancy, except the panic attacks.
I do have morning sickness all day, moodiness, etc., nothing abnormal
there. Except that I worry about every little ache, pain, cramp,
twinge, or itch. My mind just starts racing as to WHAT COULD THAT
BE!!!!
I
have been taking, at my last doctor's recommendation, either benedryl
or meclizine - both antihistamines which are less of a risk than
xanax. I don't recommmend it without talking to your doctor first,
but the meclizine does have somewhat of a calming effect, but
not as helpful as xanax is for me - If your doctor says it's okay,
just ask your pharmacist for it, it costs about $5 for 100 tablets,
but they keep it behind the counter for some reason. Or you can
buy it at http://www.drugstore.com/.
Warning:
Never, EVER, take a medicine (prescription or over-the-counter/non-prescription)
without FIRST checking with your physician! I am not suggesting
the use of this medicine "meclizine" - I am just retelling my
personal experience. Please, always check with your doctor.
I
have been taking very low doses of xanax. My psychiatrist prescribed
up to 2 milligrams a day and I am taking .5 most days. I am still
worried sick, although I know that it is a very very low dose.
I'll
update this as time passes and let you know what the doctor recommends,
what the tests say, the health of the baby, etc., I'll be honest
and open and I promise not to BS you because, like me, I know
you want good information.
If
you have been pregnant and panicky at the same time, feel free
to write to me and help me figure out
what's going on with me - it will help me write this article,
as well.
Pregnancy
is something I get asked about often - it is probably my third
most popular topic in received emails, after symptom questions
and weight gain with panic medicines.
I'll
keep you posted!!
Lisa
6-27-02
I
hate some doctors. My Obstetrician looked at me like I was insane
when I mentioned that I used xanax. He made me feel like a total,
complete, all-out-loser, and I cried. Then today, I met with a
new panic doctor who made me feel the same, I am not really sure
I understand why - after ten years - the only thing that ever,
EVER worked to take away my panic attacks is now suddenly the
spawn of satan or some such thing. I feel like I've been emotionally
beat up. I have another appointment coming up with a panic doctor
who wrote a book
("Help, I think I'm Dying" - Dr. Abbot Lee Granoff, I have recommended
his book on my "recommendations page for years.) and although
I'm not sure that he'll make me feel any better, I am truly hopeful
- nothing feels worse than this. I feel like I'm going to die,
I stopped taking the xanax - and now I feel like I'm going through
major withdrawel. The panic comes in waves and is exhausting.
I am scared now that this level of anxiety is bad for the baby!!
What a vicious cycle. I'll update you soon!
7/11/02 - 9wks/4d pregnant
On
July 3rd I saw my obstetrician for my first REAL prenatal checkup
with exam, ultrasound, the works. This is the same man who made
me feel like total ass for having to take xanax. Well, I got one
of those 'out of the blue' panic attacks as soon as he walked
in the exam room. He got a bit freaked out. He asked if this was
normal for me, I suppose he couldn't fathom that it was "just"
a panic attack, so I explained that this is my life. That the
panic attack I was having wasn't even a "really bad one" and that
I was sure it would pass - but he was still concerned because
I was shaking SO badly and stuttering. (And of course the exam
table I'm sitting on is about as wide as a toothpick so I had
a mental picture of me falling off of it, which furthered my panic.)
We
did the ultrasound, the baby was there, heartbeat just chugging
away, I had the nurse get the baby's daddy to see this miracle,
and we both cried with joy. The doctor, however, wanted to meet
with us after I got dressed. My fiance and I headed to his office
and he told me that the level of stress of such extreme anxiety
on my body was just NOT going to work for the baby, and so he
said that I may not have any choice but to medicate it, and by
the time we figured everything out and finished talking, I was
told to use the xanax when I NEEDED it. The benefits outweigh
the risk, he said. He also said that known malformations to the
child were associated with chronic use at higher doses, and that
the only malformation we were talking about was called "Cleft
Palette", which was (his words) "the easiest thing to fix."
I
am much relieved, I was certain I was killing my child. The nightmlares
were horrible, the thoughts were horrible, it was just all awful.
I am still having panic attacks at least once nightly and I am
very "on edge" - but I think I can take a better attitude with
all of this now, and KNOW that I am not going to harm my child.
I
hope, I pray, I beg myself to be strong enough to maintain this
level of optimism.
7/28/02
- 12wks/1d pregnant
Well, I started working
with Dr. Granoff
who I mentioned earlier. Our first appointment together was via
the telephone, and then we met in person following that. So, thus
far I've had two appointments with him in the past two weeks.
We talked at length about xanax use during pregnancy, and in the
end he prescribed it to me to take 3 times daily, with an option
to take it 1 more time as needed for a panic attack. So I can
take it up to 4 times in one day, but always 3 times a day. I'm
not sure why, but he has thoroughly convinced me that it will
all work out fine. With the research he's quoted to me, the previous
pregnant women he's treated and his vast education and life experience
- I am completely letting go and trusting him. I can not begin
to describe the way my life has changed in these past two weeks.
Everything that was bad is good - I feel better, I feel more clear
headed, I even have been going out and doing things on my own
- something which I've been reluctant to do in the past few months.
I know now for certain that agoraphobia was creeping in, but it
seemed like in less than a week it was gone. I spent three hours
driving around and shopping - I never once freaked out because
I couldn't see a payphone - or didn't think about not having a
cellphone (I plan to get one shortly). Normally I would not be
able to think of much else other than my escape routes, so to
speak. Payphones mean I can call Dave to come "rescue" me.
My belly is growing,
I have felt a few flutters this past week, so I know the baby
is growing. My next appointment with the OB is on August 1st,
when I will be introducing him to the course of treatment Dr.
Granoff has charted out for me. I will let you know the OB's reaction
to that.
Many people do not approve
of my taking xanax during pregnancy, and to be honest, I don't
plan to tell anyone personally, just you readers and my doctors.
And of course my fiance, who is behind me on this 100%. We don't
want to lose this baby, we know the benefits outweigh the risks,
and from research I've been doing, Dr. Granoff's information,
and so many women writing to tell me their experience taking xanax
regularly throughout pregnancy with NO problems at all, I am feeling
very secure that I have made the right decision. I don't need
my family treating me like I'm some sort of drug addict or purposely
trying to harm my unborn child - I get enough cruelty from people
about my panic attacks as it is now, I don't need anymore of that
right now.
Did you know that there
is no evidence supporting any birth defects or problems when xanax
is used during pregnancy? I can not find one single legitimate
research paper indicating otherwise. I gather that there is no
greater risk than there is to mothers who use no medicine during
pregnancy. And don't think I haven't researched this endlessly
- I'm not taking it lightly.
But what an enormous
relief to be panic free and knowing I've taken away that stress
on my body, on my baby. It's a good feeling. And yet...in the
back of my mind, I can not wait until I see another ultrasound
to ensure this child is growing properly, is healthy, etc. That's
me, never finished worrying. :)
I'll keep you all posted.
August
1st, 2002
12 week checkup
I had the greatest OB visit today - the doctor did a sonogram
to find the baby's heartbeat and the baby was squiggling around
on the screen and the doctor said "lots of movement...looking
good..." I was so happy. :) I often wondered if the xanax I was
taking was sedating the baby, but it doesn't appear to be at all!
I was very thrilled today, just needed to share that. Oh, the
baby is measuring a week bigger than s/he's supposed to be. The
doctor said that's normal - but I hope it doesn't mean the baby
will be a big'un! :)
August
6, 2002 - 13weeks/3days pregnant
I had another telephone session with my psychiatrist, Dr. Granoff.
We talked more about the women he's treated in the past having
no troubles either with the pregnancy, or the baby (re: withdrawal).
My very best friend, also a severe panic sufferer who took about
the same amount of xanax as I did throughout her pregnancy had
her baby last night - to quote her husband; "7lbs 10 oz's 21 inches
long and is very healthy!"
The
day she got home, she wrote this to me:
..now about the title of this email... look how healthy my baby
is! all i did was throw up, freak out, panic, etc, etc,... i
took three times the xanax, i took from when i was pregnant
with the first baby, to when i was pregnant with this one, and
look how healthy this baby came out!! the neonatalogist said
this was one of the healthiest newborns he has seen! she has
no withdrawl from xanax, and is not addicted to it! she also
has ten toes, ten fingers, and no third eye. lol! so the moral
of this story is, take all the *#^!!!@*#$ xanax you want, and
don't you worry at all!!!! your baby will be fine!
What
a relief to hear such a beautiful thing!
No real change in my treatment plan other than to face my "red
light" fear (I get so panicked at red lights!) - so I'll be working
on that for the next two weeks until my next appointment with
the doctor. I'll keep you posted!
8/15/02
- 14wks/4days
Had
to go to an urgent OB appointment today for hideous pain I was
having. It felt like someone kicked my pelvic bone with a steel-tipped
boot a bunch of times. It's been there for five days, and at night
I can barely walk or get my legs up onto the bed and in position,
it's awful. I've been scared senseless, and of course, with that
- the racing thoughts start kicking in and I had a full blown
panic attack twice in the past two days because of it. My main
concern was that I lost the baby - so first thing we did was get
an UltraSound, and there the baby was - just perfect as can be
- growing like it should be, moving around, I saw her/him put
its little arms up to its face and I was so relieved I just cried.
The pain - well, the doctor doesn't know what it is, so we'll
have to see if it passes. Tylenol isn't helping and he said he
could prescribe me a strong painkiller that wouldn't hurt the
baby, but I said no - I just feel like I'm already taking enough
pills with the vitamin and the xanax, I shouldn't need more! This
is my crazy thinking!! I SHOULDN'T need more...what kind of way
is that to think?
I've
been very verbal about my fears and pains to my husband, and on
the drive home from the doctor I thought alot about trying to
not mention one word of how I was feeling from now on - I'm so
afraid he'll get sick of me. I feel like if he asks how I'm doing,
I'll just smile and say "fine!" no matter what. Is it normal to
feel scared that your husband will leave you for complaining too
much? I don't think so. Anyway, the pain is pretty bad, and worrisome,
but the doctor said everything is perfect with the baby, so that
was good news.
Worried
- but will keep you informed....
Lisa
August
29th, 2002
16 weeks/4 days pregnant
I
truly, honestly believe I'm too weak to have this baby. I know,
I know - I've had a hundred tests telling me that my body is physically
strong and in good condition other than being overweight - but
I just do NOT feel well. I hurt everywhere - and of course, every
pain is associated with the baby being harmed in some way. I'm
obsessing about this, I know. I wonder alot why I can't just be
one of those women who go through their entire pregnancies and
don't give it much thought, they just DO it. No, not me, I'm on
message boards every day, constantly doing a mental scan of my
entire body, just wholly focused on this growing baby inside of
me.
I
went to an orthopedic specialist about my pelvic bone problem,
he said it was a separation of my pubic bone - it is actually
separating! I didn't realize before that it was actually two bones,
but there is a piece of cartiledge in between them that relaxes
(usually) near the end of a womans pregnancy, however, mine has
decided to just yank itself apart now. Figures. He called it Diastasis
Symphysis Pubis. This is, of course, nothing any doctor actually
knows anything about. Why am I not surprised? There was no treatment
plan, he said it would probably heal on its own. It hasn't.
I
hate doctors, I hate pain, I sometimes wish I wouldn't have even
gotten pregnant.
Of
course, the good news is that I haven't had a panic attack in
weeks, so there's that.
Sorry
this isn't a happier post, I'm just not real happy right now -
I feel crippled, I can barely walk up stairs or get in bed. I'll
write in a little while to let you know how I am. Thanks for listening.
PS:
The baby is fine - Level 2 ultrasound coming up in three or four
weeks, so that's good.
September
2nd, 2002
17weeks/1 day pregnant
My
husband got "permanently laid off" from his well-paying job the
same day I posted here last. It came as a complete shock. What
kind of IDIOT lays off a man with a pregnant wife???
I
have been taking 3 and sometimes 4mg of xanax a day - I think
this has been a major contributor to my not going insane from
fear and worry that we'll end up penniless and in the street -
I've got elevated anxiety, only had 2 full blown panic attacks
(one five minutes after Dave told me and another one last night)
so things are good there. Thank God I'm not on the edge of my
seat with GAD all day. I have to tell you ladies, if it weren't
for the xanax, I think I would have lost this baby. Seems like
nothing is going right except this baby, which despite all the
negativity surrounding xanax use - is growing like a weed, healthy
as can be and right on track - pregnancy milestone-wise.
September
19, 2002
19 weeks, 4 days pregnant
Level
2 Ultrasound - I had my first level 2 ultrasound, that is
the really in depth one that takes an hour, they found no cause
for concern for the baby's health or development, everything is
just as it should be - unfortunately I didn't get to find out
the sex of the baby :( But I get to go back in 3 weeks for another
1 hour level 2 ultrasound, and I'm hoping that goes well. I go
back because, although they got one great shot of the heart and
it looked great, they want more angles. There was no cleft palette,
which was my biggest fear since that was my OB's main concern.
I
am still using 3 to 4mg of xanax daily.
I
took a panicked trip to the emergency room and was sent to Labor
and Delivery last week because I had severe cramping, which made
me panic terribly, but the found NOTHING wrong with either me
or the baby, my cervix is closed and fine, the baby's heartbeat
was good and strong (even though I'd taken 2mg of xanax) and I
stayed in L&D for five hours. I still don't know what was
going on there, but their best guess is stretching of the ligaments
with some dehydration mixed in just for fun. (NOT.) It was an
altogether horrifyingly frightening experience, but I am thankful
to have had further tests done on the baby to reassure me of its
health.
My
life stressors are affecting me greatly - my husband lost his
part time job a few nights ago because he'd called off 3 times
in his 90 day trial period - they act liked it's a big deal and
very serious and I keep thinking - for $8 an hour and you treat
him like crap - then you act all Godlike about firing him. I was
angry but guilty because it was me who asked him to stay home
several times because I was panicked. He's got a good job prospect
on the horizon, we should know tomorrow or early next week if
he has the position, it would put him back up to his old salary
and mean that we wouldn't lose our apartment or our car, plus
this place offers health insurance - really good health insurance.
My panic attacks have been - on a scale from 1 to 10, about about
4 these past two weeks, but I consider myself to be doing very
well. I can not state vehemenantly enough how much I honestly
believe I would not have gotten this far into this pregnancy without
the assistance of the xanax.
I have another appointment with the OB next week to recheck my
cervix just as a precaution, and I will definitely keep you updated.
My many thanks to all who have written with support for me, it
means so much - you have no idea.
Thanks
for being here....Lisa
September
30, 2002
21 weeks/1 day Pregnant
It’s
been a little too long since I updated everyone and though that
now might be a good time since I am waiting out a panic attack.
My
last OB visit for the recheck on the cervix thing was fine - he
wasn't concerned at all, which was a huge relief!! I keep worrying
but he said that everything is right on track, the heartbeat was
strong, the movements good, I'm measuring good - it's ALL GOOD!!!
It’s
been a high anxiety day for me today, but I am going to be okay.
It’s weird how I interpret regular pregnancy aches, pains, and
twinges as something being horribly wrong. I have been “set off”
all day because the baby must have kicked me in the cervix or
something and of course I thought for sure that would cause major
harm. That’s what started my anxious day – after that it was the
baby moving up high into my belly and my stomach felt crowded,
so I had this thought flash through my mind “Oh my God I can’t
breathe!” – which was totally ridiculous, of course, but still
made me panic. Again, the xanax took care of the high anxiety
and panic – but all day I’ve just been feeling drained of energy.
I belong to a pregnancy message board and the other ladies are
saying that some of them feel very drained at this point in their
pregnancy, too – so okay, that’s normal.
I
have a very strong need to know that what I’m feeling is normal,
and I’ve been thinking that I spend way too much time with nothing
on my mind but this pregnancy so I’ve decided to try to find something
better to do with my days than sit at the computer…but what? Maybe
some online courses or something. I have been having a small problem
in that when I get bored or anxious I go to eBay and buy Tupperware
– I think I’m nesting or something. Haha Well, cute or not, it’s
getting out of control and I’ve banned myself from going to eBay
for awhile.
The
baby has gotten VERY active lately – I can really feel much stronger
movements, the books all say it’s because the baby’s bones are
getting stronger, and the baby is getting stronger in general,
so things seem to be progressing quite normally. I have that second
Level 2 ultrasound coming up on the 15th of October, and I am
petrified of going – I very much want to be reassured a second
time on the “no cleft palette” issue, but I wrote a letter of
complaint to that office because I didn’t like the way I was treated,
now I’m scared they’ll be mean to me. Dave can’t go with me now
that he has started his new job, so my mother will be going with
me, and I hope to God they’re nice to me.
Otherwise
I still haven’t gained any weight – which is shocking since I’m
so prone to it, but I think it’s also partly due to having some
IBS symptoms. I’m suppose to see a gastroenterologist at the end
of October if things don’t improve – but I’m not sure if I have
the nerve to go to him, it’s rather embarrassing.
That’s
all that’s new for now…hoping to be calmer next time I write…..
- Lisa PS: It's an hour later now, I'm MUCH calmer. :)
November
22, 2002
29wks pregnant
I
am so mad! Somehow I lost all of September, October and up to
November's posts on here!!! (I seem to have
recovered most of it now.) Sorry, I'll try to catch up
soon! Everything is AWESOME with the baby, though - I've had so
many ultrasounds and tests and the baby is a BOY and just perfectly
healthy, today, November 22, 2002, he is weighing 3 pounds and
2 ounces, I'm 29 weeks pregnant now and very happy!
The
anxiety has been present, unfortunately, and I am taking the xanax
regularly - for some reason it seems to be slightly less
effective during pregnancy for me - not that it doesn't work,
it just seems to take a bit more to get the job done lately. I've
talked to other women who've experienced the same thing, so I'm
not worried about being "the only one".
I
had another level-2 ultrasound and the doctors found that I had
a shortened cervix and am at risk for going into preterm labor...this,
of course, has nothing to do with the anxiety or xanax, it's a
genetic problem for me, but it has added alot of strain to my
life, I am very concerned, especially since the doctors have put
me on bedrest now. It's modified bedrest though, so I can use
my computer. You can imagine the terrible thoughts that cause
me anxiety - I don't want my baby to be born prematurely, my first
son was born prematurely 8 weeks early, and it was difficult to
go through that. I've been hoping so hard that I can make it to
at least 36 weeks, which is another 7 weeks away - but I am going
to really give it all I've got. I am scared, though.
I'll
update again as soon as I can!
December
7, 2002
32 wks Pregnant
I
have a new due date - January 31st, 2003 - a week earlier than
before. That makes me 32 weeks pregnant and I'm just so thrilled,
because now I'm really close to being out of the "danger zone"
for premature birth. Four more weeks, I want to just make it FOUR
more weeks!!!
My
anxiety has been high lately, I won't lie to you - I'm nervous
about my health - I am terrified of giving birth and can't stop
thinking about how my body will handle that with it being so out
of shape - I do think that's pretty normal for any pregnant woman
though, but that doesn't make it easier.
I've
had a few major full blown panic attacks within the past week,
yesterday was one - I swore I was going to have a heart attack,
it felt like I was going to jump out of my skin - I was so terrified,
thank God for xanax, I finally calmed down after 45 minutes, but
wow - was that horrible. I think it was set off by a bad doctor
(OB) visit - the nurse was new, I think she messed up taking my
blood pressure because it came back high - 140/78, it's never
been high before in my life! Then I found out that they "forgot"
to tell me that I'd failed my 1 hour glucose test, BIGTIME - but
they've known for 3 weeks. I was proud of myself because I verbally
cut loose on them and told them that "forgetting" to give me those
results was just totally unacceptable. I got my feelings out!!
Woohoo!!
I
was so worked up - the office staff kept messing everything up,
the doctor was a horrible wench, (I'd never met her before) -
the stupid nurse even forgot to give me a sheet to cover up with
for the internal! (Which it turns out - my cervix is closed and
long enough.) When I checked out at the desk I was nauseated from
my emotions - I got home about ten minutes later and immediately
went into high panic mode, I needed to take 2mg of xanax to make
the panic stop! God I hate incompetent doctors - I TRUSTED them
and I keep thinking, if it's so easy for them to mess up something
as simple as a phone call about test results, how will they be
in the delivery room!!!
Just
to let you know - my panic doctor has increased my xanax to 5.5mg
daily, I will be trying to taper off that dosage from week 36
on, I believe.
Well,
I'll keep you posted!
December
27, 2002
34 wks/1 day Pregnant
Well,
my due date changed again - back to February 7th. UGH. So I am
34 weeks along now. My high risk OB pretty much cleared me for
take-off, so to speak, I can go off of bedrest in six days and
then after that they wouldn't stop labor if it happened. We just
had another level-2 ultrasound a week ago and the baby is looking
perfect, chubby cheeks and all! He is practicing breathing on
his own already! The high-risk doctor sees NOTHING wrong with
him at all...I am so excited but so nervous about delivery coming
up - I'm not big on pain!
My
xanax use has gone down about an average of 1.5mg a day in the
past two weeks, I don't know why - however, I'm very much okay
with that! I have been happy, feeling good for a change, and finally
enjoying this pregnancy most of the time. I am still a little
nervous about seeing how the baby will be after delivery so I
will absolutely keep you updated and let you know how that goes.
Again,
I was reassured by him that during the examinations that the baby
was a very healthy level of active - even though I'd taken xanax
beforehand, the baby is not getting sedated when i take it - so
that is a relief.
I
have another appointment on January 3rd, I'll be 35 weeks pregnant
then and I'll update after that. Thanks for hanging in there with
me! :)
December
31, 2002
34 wks/5 days Pregnant
I
know I just posted a few days ago, but the past few have been
really rough for me for some reason. It is sometimes so difficult
to do this - to be pregnant with panic attacks. I guess it's difficult
even if you don't have panic, but I do - and I hate how it makes
me feel. Two days ago I had a typical, common, normal, to be expected
pregnancy symptom and now I can NOT stop obsessively thinking
that it is going to kill me! My heartrate got slightly elevated
for a 90 minute period - we're talking "slightly" - it went up
to 108. Normally my heartrate is in the 80's and I know, I
KNOW that because of an increase in blood volume that a pregnant
womans heart will beat harder and faster at times - but did that
stop me from calling Labor and Delivery? Did it stop me from having
my OB paged? No. No, it didn't stop me. When both calls yielded
"that's normal and fine and we're not at all concerned" answers,
did I stop worrying? No, I didn't. So I've been taking my pulse
alot, feeling ALOT of tension in my chest (of course) and generally
in an elevated state of anxiety since two days ago.
I
know that this symptom of panic will pass, I just have to hang
in there and try to refocus my thoughts. I'm sure you all know
how difficult that is, though.
I
can't believe how much tension is in my chest from this - if I
push on my chest with my fingertips it actually hurts! That tells
me right there how much of the anxiety I'm letting get to me!
I am so angry with myself - I was doing so well and now this.
I feel like a major disappointment to myself.
As
the prospect of actually delivering this baby any time now looms
over my head, my thoughts and fears have turned to making it through
delivery. Here is my line of thinking - I'm already afraid of
my heart (which I know is fine because I've had it tested, I have
great blood pressure and a good pulse) - my fear is that I will
have a problem with it during delivery and they won't notice.
I wish with all my heart they would decide to just knock me out
totally for delivery because that would be a huge relief! Also,
I envy women who have a scheduled delivery date, either induction
or c-section, for me it's waiting on pins and needles knowing
that it could be "any second".
I
don't do very well with surprises, my panic disorder is less agitated
when things are in order, there are plans set, and I know the
specifics - too many "unknowns" just throws me way off! So, I
can only imagine that right there is why my anxiety is so elevated
these past few days - knowing that I'm really truly in the home
stretch and it's not like I can back out of this, I've come so
far, been through so much, dealt with the anxiety, dealt with
the cervix issue, I've overcome so much - but I can NOT avoid
actually delivering this child, and I can NOT stand the "not knowing"
part of when that's going to be!
So,
that's my "I'm ready to have this baby!!!" rant! Thanks for reading,
and sorry about venting my frustrations!
January
4, 2003
35 wks/2 days Pregnant
My
OB visit yesterday yielded some surprising news - I'm still 50%
effaced, as I have been for more than 2 months, but now I'm 2cm
dilated! I have been having terrible cramping the past 3 days
and thought it was just stretching or something, but now I know
it's doing work in there. I'm baffled by my reaction to this,
I'm bordering between calm and excited, not a great deal of fear
although, of course, there is some. I thought I'd be a total wreck,
but I'm not. My xanax use has remained lowered. My OB prescribed
a benzodiazapine sleeping pill called Sonata so that I could sleep
through the night - further proof that benzo's are safe during
pregnancy.
I
am going to have this baby soon, that's for sure, the cramping
has continued and now there are other symptoms, I keep thinking
my water is leaking!
I'll
keep you all posted!
January
23, 2003
38 wks Pregnant
Well,
guess what. I'm STILL pregnant. I am totally exasperated! My last
OB appointment was Monday afternoon, I found out that I am now
4cm dilated and 70% effaced and here it is Thursday and I'm still
pregnant. My anxiety has increased the past few weeks, I honestly
believe it's from the intensity of just not knowing when the baby
will come. I am awake in the middle of the night right now with
racing thoughts - fortunately I took a small dose of xanax and
that stopped it, but now I have a pounding headache. I never get
headaches. This should be a trigger for me but I'm convinced it's
got to be a sign of labor coming up soon - it's funny, I try to
turn EVERYTHING into a sign of impending labor! :)
A
friend just had her baby - (this is another girl with panic attacks
and xanax usage throughout pregnancy) - and her baby is fine,
too. It's very encouraging and I can't wait to be telling all
of you how things go for me and my little guy's birth. I wish
it would be today, because waiting is torture.
I
spent a little time a few weeks ago being obsessed about my heart
rate and found myself checking my pulse frequently - frantically
worrying about if my body could handle giving birth, will I be
a good mother to a newborn - it's been so long - what if I forgot
how to do it? Now I am looking forward to the whole delivery experience
just so it can be over with, I want my body back!
I
can not stress enough how important it is to try to find others
who are going through this same thing - talking with girls who
understand panic and pregnancy is so helpful - use the message
board all you want! Also, big tip - ONLY read positive birth stories
or you will scare yourself silly! This isn't just good advice
for panic attack sufferers, those stories scare all women!
Well,
it can't possibly be much longer now, right? I'll update you again
soon - but I really can't imagine how long a woman can walk around
at 4cm dilated! My doctor said I wouldn't be pregnant until February,
I hope so badly that he is right!!!
January
26, 2003
38 wks/3 days Pregnant
Did
I just say - THREE days ago - that I wasn't scared about the whole
delivery aspect of this pregnancy? Where's that confidence now,
I wonder? I have been up since 1am with racing thoughts and panic,
I can't stop being scared about not making it through delivery.
I did take a xanax so at least, for now, the fear has passed,
but I am so bothered by how bad that panic attack was - I thought
for a split second that my water had broken (I've been having
strong contractions all day and night) - and it was just after
I slipped off to sleep, so I woke up with a major panic rush,
heart pounding - thoughts racing - certain that I was going to
have a heart attack or something. I am SO tired of being pregnant
and worrying about this.
I've
come to the conclusion that the period of pregnancy just at the
end is the worst for panic - not that it's uncontrollable - but
it seems that the not-knowing WHEN or HOW it will all happen is
just such a huge contributor - that along with the fact that by
this time you're so huge and uncomfortable, not sleeping well
for obvious reasons, and just generally all-around miserable -
it's no wonder why the anxiety levels are so increased. I know
alot of women at this point have stopped working and are now home
all day every day - and of course, that adds to the stress even
more, suddenly all you've got to do is try to get comfortable,
and THINK AND THINK about upcoming delivery.
If
I had this to do all over again, I would hire a doula. They are
these Godsends who support the mother - emotionally - through
the last few weeks of pregnancy, IN the delivery room, and even
during the week or two after you give birth. It's about a $500
investment, but wow - is there any price a person wouldn't pay
for that type of support? I wonder if it's too late for me to
find a doula. Hmmm. Well, if anyone is interested - here's a link:
The
Doula Guild
Well,
that's my panicked-rant for the evening. Please send me good luck
vibes to go into (and make it through!!) labor soon - and I will
keep you updated! Thanks for listening!
February
2, 2003
2 Days Post Partum!!
AJ
is here! Oh he is just so beautiful, so wonderfully beautiful!
He scored high on his Apgars - 8 and 9!! He is incredible! :-)
He was born on 1/31/03 and weighed 8 pounds 1 ounce, was 20 1/2"
long and his head was 14" in circumference - he had a big head.
His face was bruised from the cord being around his neck - but
he is healing well and just doing great - WOW can he eat! There
were ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEMS from the xanax use! NONE!!! I have
spoken to three specialists (because of the cord bruising) now
about the xanax use and they ... well, could have cared less,
they acted like it was of such little consequence that I shouldn't
have even brought it up. ??? Soooo...I guess I worried ALOT for
nothing. *sigh*
I
ended up being induced, my doctor took heart and wanted to help
me with how uncomfortable I was. I was 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant
on Friday when he was born - it was a SHORT labor, less than 4
hours of active labor and I did get the epidural which was just
wonderful!
AJ
is the cutest baby I've ever seen in my life, so responsive, he
loves to be held and really responds to the sound of my voice
and when I hold him he just is so happy, not a big crier, eats
like a champion! I was so worried about labor and delivery, but
when I was there it was alot easier - I only took 1mg of xanax
prior to his birth but the doctor DID give me demoral to "calm
down a bit and take the edge off of the pain." - It helped but
I still had a few panic episodes, not "too" bad, I handled it
okay - pretty well actually. Everyone was VERY understanding!
All
in all, this is probably the most beautiful experience of my life
and I do NOT regret a single moment of the last nine months whatsoever!
Thank you all so much for being here for me while I journaled
- you know what, if I could do this - YOU can do this!!! Just
keep your eye on the prize...which is this:
AJ
Right after he was born...(NO cleft palette, not a THING wrong
- just the bruising from the cord)
Here
is my adorable AJ at 2 Years of Age...
