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Transitioning V/T to R/T
Dungeon Chat is held Wednesday Evenings 9-11 EST in the Dungeon @ Fantassia's Palace.
All are welcome with the understanding that we all have the right to disagree without being disagreeable.
(following text has been edited ~ foregoing greetings, etc.)
From Dungeon Chat, February 2000:
~CC~: For those of you that have managed to get here . . . and ~smiling at the "interviewees" I want to thank you in particular for your input. While those answering these questions are interested in bdsm D/s . . . it is but one facet of our lives . . . and MOST of what is noted tonight in this interview relates to anyone that is involved or thinking of becoming involved in a v/t relationship or taking a current vt relationship forward into r/t. . .
To clarify the format . . . a question will be posted with the answer of each participant being posted after the question.
The participants tonight in this interview are: Harpoon, ecstasy, Capt Jack, lady love, Miss J, Lotta Skull and Valhalla . . .. others were asked and may join us as the interview progresses ....
1. What was the most difficult challenge in deciding to go to r/t?
Lotta Skull: ~ first off let Me tell you that the relationship I'm refering too has just recently approx.two months ago went too R/T a poly relationship with paleface, ME and another...
Harpoon: Defining the bounds of the relationship, is it just D/s, is it more, what does that mean? Coming to a consensus on the answers.
~ecstasy~: the distance between U/us..a big trust factor and an age difference..i am older by 8 years. plus any public acceptance that i may have encountered.The city i live in is not a city for anything that is considered alternative.
Capt. Jack: The logistics. Deciding who was going to go where, and getting everything moved once the decision was made.
lady love: The logistics played a major role in the decision, but not so much so as leaving my family, who i am very close to, and waiting what seemed an eternity for my children to join us.
Miss J: There were a couple of issues, that were a challenge, the distance for some live 100's of miles away, if you have children that is a big challenge explaining why a perfect stranger is coming to the house that you met online. A way to deal with that is let the child chat with that person, by phone or online, let them make friends as well. When it comes to vt/rt, My kids are the most important and must feel comfortable with that person.
Lotta Skull: whether W/we were ready for the increased intensity is the relationship stable enough too handle it?
Valhalla: Answer...well...for me it was no different than with any other type of relationship..I feared I couldn't make room for another person 24/7 in my life
2. Is the relationship you are currently in the only relationship that you have been in V/T?
Harpoon: Nope.
~ecstasy~: no it is the third relationship i have had VT. Neither of which was healthy in any way..and i decided i did not want to meet them in rt.
Capt. Jack: No. I had had 4 collared subs, none of which lasted to incompatibility during my time online. I never took any of the relationships into r/t because if they could not last v/t, then r/t would not have lasted either.
lady love: No. i was in a relationship v/t that was not BDSM, and it ended because it was not what i was looking for.
Miss J: Personally I've had several v/t subs, which most of the relationships lasted a very long time, and only one out of all came from vt/rt. Only a few for when I take a sub vt/ I make sure that it's a relationship that is going to last, & builded on trust, honesty, communication, friendship, and loyality, without them it will not work.
Lotta Skull: no, we have had others and learned much, I can't say enough about open honesty between A/all..
. . .others failed due too someone keeping secrets from their spouse...
Valhalla: No
3. How long did your on line relationship continue before your first meeting?
Harpoon: About a week.
~ecstasy~: W/we became Dom/sub on 6-10-99 and met on 6-18-99.
Capt. Jack: W/we were friends and talked for 6 months before O/our first meeting. But I would have to say the extent of our online relationship was that I won ll in a Christmas raffle, and W/we met a short 3 weeks later.
lady love: *giggling* like He said
Miss J: The relationship that I had online, took about a 1 yr before it became rt/ after months of planning, phone calls, snail mail, many months of online chat.
Lotta Skull: this one about 8 months from the first time we met online...to meeting R/T
Valhalla: I think about 6 months..tho we had actually know each other as aquaintances online for a couple of years prior to becoming involved
4. What were some of the things that you thought would be easy that were difficult?
Harpoon: ???????
~ecstasy~: acceptance by O/our friends and family..O/our first scene together..plus the communication factor. in VT it was much easier to express my wants, desires and how i felt about things.
Capt. Jack: Bringing children into the relationship, and then being able to live our BDSM lifestyle fully once they were here.
lady love: i would have to agree with Master ... bringing children into the lifestyle was the hardest part of all ...
Miss J: The first meeting, actually reaching out and being able to give that hug or kiss, it seems so easy when it's vt/ but in rt/, you're nervous, excited, such mixed feeling, for E/everyone that is involved.
Lotta Skull: saying goodbye at the end of a weekend...going to bed at a normal time *L*
5. What were some of the things that you thought would be difficult that were easy?
Harpoon: I didn't think some things would be easier or harder in the relationship ahead of time. Just dealt with stuff as it came up.
~ecstasy~: the ability to trust someone completely. opening up myself to learning and being as i have lived independantly for 4 years, i thought it would be difficult to submit completely. and to let another (lack of better wording) run most parts of my life. as far as what is expected of me both in VT and RT.
Capt. Jack: the first meeting ... not knowing what to expect, and things going a whole lot smoother than expected, except with a few wild cards thrown in ...
lady love: transitioning from v/t to r/t ... my whole life, i was missing something, and the minute that CJ picked me up from the airport (something that I was scared to death of, the first meeting), i knew then that my life was totally complete ... that would never be another in my life ... CJ made it so much easier for me ... His love surrounds this girl ... and always will ...
Miss J: I also have a sub that is rt/ and has been for many years, and thought it would be difficult to bring in another sub that W/we never met rt/, thinking there would be jealousy or conflict with the two, but proven wrong when they both got along very well.
Lotta Skull: being open and honest with A/all...
Valhalla: being comfortable with him..he fit like a favorite pair of shoes..*grinz*
6. Do you consider yourself 24/7?
Harpoon: No, 24/7 to Me means a couple is relating to each other as Dominant and submissive nearly all the time and that's rare, even in D/s couples who are married and have families.
~ecstasy~: yes i do. although W/we do not live together, i try to do as He wishes at all times, and i run everything i do past Him..even while looking for a new job i sought His approval before applying for it. my Master and i are at different points on this. I look at it more on an emotional level emotionally W/we are 24/7 but physically W/we are not.
Capt. Jack & ll: YES!!!! all the way!!!!
Miss J: Personally I try to consider Myself 24/7 but sometimes it feels almost impossible, even in marriage and with children, family and household matters that have to be taken care of first as equal, I myself try to keep it as close to 24/7 with little things that My sub does perform and service each day, when there are many time consuming things outside of the D/s relationship that have to be dealt with, the little things keeps it strong.
Lotta Skull:..yes, with paleface but not with preciousone ...
Valhalla: Yes
7. Do you actually live with that person?
Harpoon: No, though the possibility has been discussed, at least on a short term because of other "issues" involved, mainly Me moving to work full time where she lives and needed a place to stay before I can find My own place.
~ecstasy~: no..
lady love: *looking at CJ* well, yeah ... i guess so ... *giggling*
Miss J: I live with My rt/ sub husband that has been My submissive for over the last 10 yrs, a very open relationship as W/we learn and experience many things in the lifestyle, in which having another sub that came to U/us from vt/
Lotta Skull :..yes with paleface but not with preciousone ...
Valhalla: yes
8. Have you considered marriage?
Harpoon: Nope. Too soon to be thinking about that.
~ecstasy~: NO
Capt. Jack & lady love: Yep, got the life sentence from the Judge, April 15th, 1998 (CC: grinning ~ tax deadline day)
Miss J: Grin* When I married My hubbie/subbie he was very submissive and into the lifestyle as I.. so it worked out perfertly and still does to this day BAG!
Lotta Skull: paleface and I are married
Valhalla: yes
9. Have you given or been given a collar, if so is this the first time?
Harpoon: I've collared a few different on-line submissives. For the most part, each relationship was a positive one for the time W/we were together with one exception, a submissive who had lied and deceived Me from the beginning. But I've come to feel that the collar on-line is a fantasy "label" and not really necessary in the relationship, in fact it can sometimes lead to difficulties when seen as the final objective, not a step in a developing relationship.
~ecstasy~: no, i have not and i do not anticipate getting one in neither vt or rt.
lady love: yes, i have been given a collar ... two as a matter of fact ... one that adorns my neck, and one that adorns the 3rd finger of my left hand ...and yes, this is the first collar that i have ever worn ... *soft smile*
Miss J: In My marriage after about 2 yrs, practicing learning the ways of a D/s relationship I gave My rt/ submissive My collar and he still wears it to this day, when My vt/rt sub came to visit the second time, I gave him a rt collar as well to replace the vt one.. for he was deserving after about a 1/1/2
Lotta Skull: yes with paleface not preciousone
Valhalla: No...we are both D
10. What, if any, precautions did you take the first time you got together for your first meeting?
Harpoon: Met in a public place (bar and grill) with a chaperone for lunch and coffee afterwards.
~ecstasy~: W/we met in a public place..i had a friend with me..everything was prearranged. i left His home number and the number to where W/we were to meet with a family member and i had a specific time to call home to check in.
Capt. Jack: Well, yes in a manner of speaking. W/we met in the airport when ll arrived here. ll left names and numbers with all of her family members before leaving to come here, and when she arrived, she called her family immediately to let them know she was safe. And within 2 days, she had called again, to let them know she was definitely safe and in loving hands.
11. What would you consider "good" in the V/T venue?
Harpoon: Any place that is well monitored and has a nubmer of real life Dominants and submissive who choose to share their knowledge and experience in a supportive and open-minded environment.
~ecstasy~: the chance to learn likes and dislikes of E/each other.
Capt. Jack: get to thoroughly know the O/one that Y/you become involved with ...able to use more imagination with scening, whereas with r/t there are limitations with space and equipment ...
Miss J: I think meeting online, getting to know E/each other over a long period of time is good, hoping to build a solid relationship, that has trust, honesty, loyality, and communication, and a good friendship.
Lotta Skull: (no comment)
Valhalla: getting to know another person without the distractions of appearance..and it is often eaiser to talk to a person who you cannot see..you let more honest thoughts out
12. What do you consider some of the biggest pitfalls of VT?
Harpoon: Communication barriers like not being able to pick up inflections in someone's tone of voice or server problems that may interrupt a conversation. On several occassions "technical problems" have interrupted discussions and play time which can lead to one or both parties becoming VERY upset at having been "deserted." Sometimes this is a sign of a lack of trust in the relationship and sometimes it's just a fear of the "unknown." It can be a little unnerving when you're talking to someone and all of the sudden they're just not responding.
Physical contact isn't possible either and real life matters ALWAYS have first priority when on-line with someone. If the phone rings and it's for Me, I have to take the call.
~ecstasy~: in my opinion, i think it is the lack of real motion. Only because W/we are RT and when W/we are VT, it seems as if W/we can not connect emotionally.
Capt. Jack & lady love: VELCRO COLLARS
Miss J: At times if that relationship has gone on for months and months not actually being able to touch, the wanting to meet but the timing is not right, or meeting someone that put on a good act and was not telling the whole truth.
Lotta Skull: the fact that many people lie or hide the truth and it's easy to do
Valhalla: people who lie..who are playing a role. and people who have unrealistic expectations of themselves and others
13. What do you consider some of the biggest pitfalls of RT?
Harpoon: Harder to break away from a bad relationship/bad scene. If something goes wrong on-line, you just turn off the computer. If something goes wrong in a real life scene, you could be in for a VERY bad experience, physically and/or emotionally. The stakes are higher in real life. More to lose, but more to gain too if it works right.
~ecstasy~: most things that i consider pitfalls are the public. if i wish to dress "fetish," i am looked down on. and i am a very emotional person..i find the emotions involved with an RT relationship very hard at times. W/we started as just Dom/sub then turned into lovers. So trying to find the proper way to go about the relationship.
Capt. Jack and lady love: finding time to practice the lifestyle with juggling work, and family life ...
Miss J: *Sigh* meeting the person, and they haven't told the whole truth about themselves, finding they have hidden many things, after so much time and effort put into the D/s relationship, *grin* plus trying to find a babysitter when you want to play.
Lotta Skull: (no comment)
Valhalla: *LOL* basically the same answer as the proceeding question
14. What, if anything, would you do different if you could do it all over again?
Harpoon: Clearer thinking, taking a LOT more time in making certain decisions and spending more time in working out boundries and defining the relationship.
~ecstasy~: although i love my Master with all my heart, i believe i would have found someone who was a little more ready for the emotional part of the relationship. And i would have taken more time VT to get to know Him and to learn His moods a little more. and more time to build trust. and looking back..
i would have met Him sooner than i did..i am the happiest i have been in years.
Capt. Jack & lady love: not a darn thing!
Miss J: Not to rush, have more that just one meeting rt/ before doing any scening or doing something you would regret later, and find out all the truths of that person, for if someone desires the lifestyle, honesty has to be at the top of list with communication.
Lotta Skull: (no comment)
Valhalla: visited back and forth a bit more..tho' for us..finances didn't allow for that luxury
15. What would be your one piece of "sage advice" for others considering the same thing?
Harpoon: PATIENCE! If it was meant to be, it WILL happen whether you do something now or wait a while. BUT if it WASN'T meant to be, you can get hurt if you rush into things too fast. Even if it feels good in the beginning, that doesn't mean it will 2 months down the road. I see too many people who are quick to be "collared" or have a collared submissive. That's not what D/s is about. It's about the RELATIONSHIP, not the symbols shared.
People don't get married so they can show off a wedding band on their finger.
~ecstasy~: take it very slow..get to know Y/your mate before making ANY big decissions.
Capt. Jack & lady love: Get to know Y/your mate ... Do not take things at face value ... Dig for the answers to questions that you have ... Do not let them tell you, "Another time" ...
Miss J: Take your time, maybe sure that you have covered every issue that has to do with rt/ fears, worries, and many rt/ visits before engaging into scenes. Always practice safe, sane and consensual in everything that you do.. for there is plenty of time, rushing into it only brings hurt confusion, dishonesty.. or just to say they did it.. In order for a D/s relationship to work, you need time to build on it, and sometimes that can take yrs. As I always say good things come to those that wait, and patience is the something you have to learn and live by.
Lotta Skull: open honest comunication "no secrets"
Valhalla: Be HONEST with each other..more importantly..be honest with yourself and make sure you both want the relationship to head in the same direction. Tell the truth about what you look like and anything else the two of you discuss.
And..if it seems really good..take a chance. Don't worry about what anyone thinks but the two of you. There are many ways to find happiness..and this is as good as any and a comment...
I wrote this the other day for a message board..but I will repeat it here..
Before RW came here I loved the "IDEA" of him. I actually fell in love with him as our RT relationship progressed. You might not initially feel love for someone you meet online..tho' you think you do..but if you build a good foundation..love happens..
and that's a wrap . . and as always . .
have fun and play safe!
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