Pulse

Author’s Note: After reading and re-reading Pathways almost a hundred times I began to wonder what happened next when Chakotay recollected the events of the past few days to Kathryn. How would she react? What would she do next? How could Jeri Taylor tease us with the ‘holding hands’ thing? So many questions…so I decided to write an attachment. I’m not sure if it’s completely accurate but if Jeri really doesn’t like it she could always write one herself. I apologise now for stealing parts of her work and I acknowledge its brilliance from the beginning. If anybody HASN’T read Pathways yet (what have you been doing?) then please read it before you read this story. (oh and forgive me for any mistakes….)

“They sat like that for a while, easily silent, hands joined, looking out at the sweep of warp stars.
In a few moments he realized that of course he must tell her everything, must communicate every moment, every nuance of the experience, must make her feel as though she had been there, too. Because if she weren’t a part of it, he would be somehow incomplete. The touch of her hand was warm. He could feel the beat of her pulse in his wrist, and it seemed to him that his heart must be beating in rhythm with hers. The stars streaked by, breathtaking ribbons of white, defiant, transcendent, an ecstasy of light, and he gazed at them, mind quieted by their hypnotic power. Presently, he began to speak.”
She never spoke throughout his recollection of the story, just sat quietly gazing at the stars, occasionally laughing at some of the visions he created. The when he’d finished they sat in silence once again, both immersed in their feelings. He became aware of a slight brushing against his fingertips and looked down to see Kathryn’s hand slowly caressing his, and he was suddenly overcome with a feeling of complete warmth and belonging. He longed to say something meaningful, to capture the moment so that she would never forget what they had shared. But he couldn’t find the words that could justify the extent of his emotions. So he just sat and waited for the reality of where they were to creep back in, he was sure that trouble couldn’t be far around the corner. He rested his chin on the top of her sofa and closed his eyes, gently drifting to the rhythm of her touch on his hand. He felt the air in the room embrace him as he began to drift into blissful sleep, but it was then that he became aware of a faint voice speaking to him, calling his name.
“Chakotay, Chakotay. Are you awake?”
“Mmm. No I’m asleep.” He smiled at her giggle. “Sorry. I’ve not been sleeping well.” He said as he sat up and stretched. “Is it late?”
“Quite late.”
“Should I leave?”
“No. Stay.”
“Sure?” He studied her searching for some kind of reassurance.
“Perfectly sure. Thankyou.”
“For what?”
“Telling me what happened.”
“I felt I had to, otherwise it wouldn’t have been right.”
“I know. I had always wondered exactly what had happened to you, I knew some things but you never reveal that much.”
“Well, neither do you.”
“Perhaps some things are better left unsaid.” She smiled.
“Not all things, Sometimes it’s better if you say what you feel.”
She looked down at the joined hands as she caught the double meaning of his words. “When your family died you were filled with some kind of passion I suppose. The urge to revenge them, was it really that strong?”
“It completely overwhelmed me, so much so that I made a lot of mistakes.”
“Such as?”
“Seska for one! But sometimes I think perhaps leaving Starfleet to join the Maquis wasn’t the answer.”
“Only sometimes? You don’t regret throwing your career away?”
“No not really. If I hadn’t joined the Maquis then I wouldn’t be here with you now and I feel as if I belong here. Don’t you?”
“Yes, I miss my family and home terribly but I’m grateful for being here with such amazing individuals. Sometimes I get to thinking that maybe they are my family now, and forever will be.”
“Don’t think like that. We will get home, I am determined.”
“The same passion as before?”
“Even more so.” He squeezed her hand.
She was silent again for a while, contemplating what he’d said. She seemed to be going over something in her mind, some problem was niggling at her, and he’d seen this look a thousand times before.
“What is it? What’s bothering you?”
“I was just thinking about when my Father and Justin died. I wasn’t filled with passion, I just…”
“Go on, you just what?” He gently coerced.
“I just curled up into a ball and wanted to die myself. To disappear so that I didn’t have to deal with the pain or the loss.”
“People handle grief differently.”
“Perhaps, or perhaps some people are just stronger than others.”
“You can’t possibly believe that you aren’t strong. Kathryn you are the strongest and most determined person I’ve ever met, and from what you’ve told me I’d say that you’ve been like that since you were born.” They were silent for a few moments before he laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“I was just imagining you as a child, were you a cute baby?”
“Of course.” She said it with such an air of superiority that he couldn’t help but laugh again.
She elbowed his side. “Oh stop it now, I bet you were a cute baby aswell.”
“Really why?” He knew he was pushing it but she seemed so relaxed that he couldn’t help himself.
“Well because you’re…” She stopped as the realisation of where the conversation was going hit her, then smiled warmly. “Alright, so you’re trying to get me say that you’re still cute now right?”
“Kathryn I would never dream of twisting the conversation in such a way. Do you really think
I’m that devious?”
“Yes, what a cheap way to try and get me to admit I think you’re attractive.” She let go of his hand and turned on her knees to look at the stars.
Chakotay was unsure what to do. He really hadn’t planned for the conversation to take this kind of turn, but she’s just answered a question that had always bothered him, okay so she did it in a humorous way but nevertheless she had said it. “Kathryn, do you realise what you’ve just said?”
“Yes.” Her voice was quiet, almost a whisper, like she was afraid somebody would overhear. But then she turned to him smiling. “But then I can also see why B’lanna finds Tom attractive. A woman can look at a man and see why he’d be attractive without actually feeling anything for him in that way.” She began to stand up, but he grabbed her arm.
“But this is different right?” He was serious now and it scared her.