Pulse2

“Please Chakotay don’t do this.”
“Why not?”
“Because once things have been said, there’s no going back, no denying.”
“I don’t want to deny anything.”
“But I do.” She sat down on the low table in front of the couch, taking his hand. “Don’t you see, it’s so much easier for me to pretend I don’t feel anything if it’s never actually admitted. So please let it go.”
“I can’t Kathryn. After all this time there’s a spark of hope. For so long I’ve tried to deny what I feel for you, first because you had been sent to capture me, and all logic suggests that we shouldn’t be together. Then because you were my Captain and the problems that a relationship between us might entail were so huge, I could never see the Maquis crew accepting it or me as their leader ever again. But after New Earth it was impossible for me to tell myself that it was nothing more than physical attraction. So I began wondering when we would cross the line, but you made it quite clear over the following months that you wanted nothing more than an occasional friend and hardworking first officer.”
“That’s simply not true. I never meant to isolate you.”
“But you have.” His voice was so emotional she almost collapsed in his arms in tears.
“I know, and I’m so very sorry. I didn’t realise that suppressing my feelings for you would result in me cutting you out of my life. All the time I was telling myself that we couldn’t have a relationship because it would interfere with the running of the ship, but I managed to succeed in avoiding you to the extent that we don’t seem to agree on anything any more. I seem to make these decisions that you just have to oppose.”
“That’s not fair Kathryn, I am first and foremost your First Officer and if you make a decision that I don’t agree with its my duty to make myself clear.”
“But you don’t always say anything, you just sit there, silently seething at me. I can never be sure what you’re thinking anymore.”
“How would you know what I’m thinking if you don’t ask me Kathryn? It’s a vicious circle. You either want me in your life or you don’t.”
“I need you, whatever we feel for each other Chakotay you are an excellent officer and we work well together. Or at least we used to.”
“Maybe if we could try and work our way back to a place where we share ideas and discuss things, instead of avoiding all contact.”
“Communication…”
“Exactly. When you’re feeling lonely and worrying about what the point of all this is then talk to me. Let me help, not just as a ‘fine officer’ but as somebody who loves you.”
She snatched her hand back. “Don’t say that.”
“What?”
“Love. We all tend to use it so often without thinking of the consequences, the implications.”
“But Kathryn…”
“Just don’t!” She stood up and walked into the darkness of the other side of the room.
“Why do you have to do that? Just when I think we could be getting somewhere you turn away and put on this command façade. I’m tired of it, I know you Kathryn, you may be an exceptional Captain. But you are also a warm, passionate woman. You feel things deeply, why do you feel the need to lock those feelings away?”
“Chakotay please don’t start with all that spiritual rubbish. Talking to my spirit guide won’t help, believe me I’ve tried. And still when I emerge from the dream the problems, the headaches, the heartache, it’s all still here. We’ll still lost out here, you’re still there…and I can’t just be myself, and live my life. Out here I’m a Captain twenty-four hours a day, every day. If I let down my guard, or throw away the ‘façade’ as you call it then I will fail.”
“In whose eyes? In Starfleets? No because they’re not here, they don’t know what it’s like. In the crew’s eyes? No, because they’ve all adapted, as Seven might say. They accept the difficulties and changes and try to live a life, in whatever way possible. So who’s left Kathryn? Only you, are you failing in your eyes?”
“I don’t want to have this conversation. It seems to have gone from a nice, quiet evening of recollections to you…”
“To me what? Trying to get you to admit to yourself what’s really wrong.”
“You know that’s not the truth. You are trying to put me in a vulnerable position so that I’ll admit what it is I feel for you.” She stepped back into the light, arms folded. “And how will you feel Chakotay if I say it, if I used the elusive word, let you stay, gave myself to you. Will that be it? How wonderful, after all these years the Commander finally makes his greatest conquest of all.”
“How can you say something like that to me? You obviously never knew me at all. All those months we spent alone together on New Earth, did I ever once violate your space? Push you into admitting something you weren’t ready to?”
“I’m sorry.”
“I think I should leave, before I get angry.” He walked towards the door, but she rushed and grabbed hold of him. “Please don't go. I am really sorry, stay with me, I don’t want to be alone. I want you here with me, I need you.”
“If you need me so badly then why can’t you just talk to me?”
“I’m afraid to. Let’s sit down, I’ll get some coffee.”
She once again disappeared into the darkness and he sat down on the couch.
“Here you are.” She handed him a cup before sitting down on the table again. “Alright, so what do you want me to talk about?”
“Whatever it is that’s bothering you.”
“Where to begin?” She smiled. “Well, as we’ve already approached the subject several times tonight, how about us?”
“If you feel comfortable talking about that?”
“Who has ever felt comfortable talking about love? But you deserve to know. I’ve argued with myself for years over you, one side of me just wants to give in and let these feelings completely overwhelm me. But the other insists I keep my head, it simply wouldn’t work, and deep down I know that is the truth. It wouldn’t work Chakotay. As strong as these feelings are, and as much as you love me.”
“How long have you known how deep my feelings are?”