I remember the day as though it were yesterday, when in actuality it happened well over twenty plus years ago.
Some may say, "how can you remember after all these years?". Thats easy, "it's been a part of my life every single day". I have lived this period of my life over and over. Off set by...a smell, a touch or sometimes by anothers life...You don't forget!!!
I was brutality raped late one night. As I slept in a bed with my three year old sister and baby brother who was just a little over a year old I never dreamed such a thing could happen. This is something out of an "Adults" life not a little five year olds world. remeber this being a time of little girl dreams...a time of sleeping beauty and snow white...curious george and the cat in the hat...sam I am and green eggs and ham. Not what I was about to experience...My mother had gone out and left the three of us with my uncle. I recall him lifting me out of the bed and seeing the look in his face, for some reason I was frightened by the look in his eyes. Why, I did not know. He took me to the room he used and sat me on his lap and started to fondle and rub me in a way that was very inappropriate. I started to cry and he tried to soothe me, but the more he tried to keep me quiet the more I would cry. He then layed me down on the bed and started to remove his clothes. He did not take my clothes off, but instead started to rub his nakeness on me through my clotheing. All my little mind knew was that it hurt...I kept saying, "Mommy it hurts." He was pressing down into me. Eventually, he removed my undies and penetrated me and I remember screaming at the top of my lungs and trying to fight him and make him stop. The more I fought and cried, the harder he would enter me. He started calling me dirty names and started to hit me and slap me. I remember feeling as though I would die. I did not understand what I had done to be hurt this way. I kept saying, " I won't do it again, I won't do it again." I remember the strong smell of alcohol and coming close to vomitting. Finally, he stopped and started telling me he was sorry and "please, don't cry". I remember looking at my undies and thinking 'my moms going to spank me' because my undies were dirty and bloody, and I started to cry again, this time just as loud as before. He started to talk low, saying he would wash them which he did. The image which sticks out the most is, him putting my undies on the rack in the oven to dry, and later watching the smoke bellowing out of the stove and seeing the hole that was burned in my undies. This really set me off. No amount of comforting could stop me from crying. I remember crying until I slept...To say this was the only time it happened would be a lie. I was nine years old when it finally stopped. Only then because I now had a step-father, Hero to the rescue? Not exactly, he...was also a child molester. The two of them got into a fight, once they found out each of them was having sex with me. Go figure...what a pair...they almost totally destroyed my mothers living Room. You see my step-father walked in on my uncle having sex with me [I was nine at the time]. My step-father hit my uncle, and I felt so totally out of control, because I could not understand any of this. See, by this time my step-father had been having sex with me for over a year [when I was eight years old] and I guess he thought he was the only one. You tell me what kind of sick individual was he. I remember crying because I did not understand any of this...There were many times I would find myself hiding outside [sometimes during the day or night when my mom was gone] when my step-father got that look in his eyes. It was a look I grew to hate. As for my uncle I did not like being left with him due to the fact that I knew what would happen as soon as my mom left. The thing they both used against me was the fact that my mother did not want me, I was the product of an unwanted pregnancy...They both told me how my mom did not love me and if I told she would send me away...It brings tears to my eyes even as I type this...No child should have to go through something like this...every child wants to know that they are loved...what they did to me was so cruel...and has had some very lasting [negative] affects on me.
The last time my uncle tried to have sex with me I was fourteen years old, when I said, "NO", he decided he would rape my four year old sister...I had a feeling something wasn't right and went looking for my little sister, as I got closer to the garage, I heard her whimpering and her cry was muffled. I opened the garage door and noticed my uncle lying on a pile of laundry in the far corner. He was laying on top of my little sister, I told him if he did not get off of her, I would kill him. He started calling me names, but did not get off my sister. I ran in the back door to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and ran outside again. I told him I would kill him if he did not let her go. Of course he did, and began to call me a little bit of everything. I did not care. He ran into the kitchen yelling and told my mother she should have me committed...because I was crazy...that I had just threatened to stab him...what he did not say was he was molesting my little sister. My mother got upset at me...I have had alot of time to think all this over and I know she had to know what her brother was doing to me...There was an incident at my grandmothers house in L.A. when I was thirteen...I hear someone screaming and crying "Stop, please stop you're hurting me", it was a girl and she was in the kitchen with my uncle with the door closed. My mother got up and went into the kitchen and started arguing with him, saying " you told me you wouldn't do this anymore", "let her go." I hear my mother call the girl bad names and told her to get out. My mom became very upset with my uncle, saying over and over again "you said you stopped". She was crying, and told him to go to bed before my grandmother heard. She [my mother] came out of the kitchen, and I remeber her calling my name. I did not answer because I wanted her to think I was asleep. Nothing was said the next day. I knew who the girl was from the kitchen, she was the daughter of his [my uncle's] current girlfriend [actually she had several daughters]. I guess he picked the most vulnerable females in the group and used and abused them. I now know that my older cousins [teenager males and one female] were aware of what he was doing and did nothing. When he was drunk he would talk about it to them. They would make jokes to me...it's only now that I understand some of it. ..how cruel...two of them would try to touch me and I would lose it. I would cry so hard and they would leave me alone. Growing up as a child, I did not like who I was, I wore over sized cloths to hide my body. I felt that if they [men] could not see my body then they would not want me...[only in the mind of a child]. The sexual abuse did not stop for me. My step-father was a 'Minister' in a church so you can image what this did to my understanding of the church at that time. At thirteen I had thoughts of suicide, I could not deal with "it" anymore. I was so tried of the fight...Especially, after someone broke into our house. [Thirteen...Death At The Door] You see it all started the day my mother left us alone to attend the funeral of another relative. The glass at the back door was broken, this man came into our house and I remember waking up and feeling something sharp and cold at my throat and him saying he was going to cut my throat if I screamed.
To Continue "Thirteen ...Death At The Door" click here
