victim

Thirteen...Death At The Door

I was so frightened I couldn't scream if I wanted to. I remember thinking, " how am I going to get away". I knew in my heart that this man meant to kill me. The light coming from the bathroom kept shining in my eye, not alot, but just enough to get my attention. He said he wanted to kiss me and do some other things I won't mention here. He was acting really strange...sort of nervous and edgy. I told him I would do whatever he wanted if he would just put the knife down. He said " how do I know I can trust you?". [Whew, thinking back on this I know it was a Blessing that I made it out of this alive and unharmed]. I will try to stay as focused as I can this is not easy my mind is going from one thing to the other. It still makes my heart beat super fast to think back on this...Bear with me... and I will try to tell this as best I can. I kept thinking how do I get out of this, Lord help me, please help me. Again, the light from the bathroom touched my face and I tried again to get him to put the knife on the chair which would allow me enough [I hoped] time to get into the bathroom safely. I promised him again, and again, that I would do whatever he wanted...Out of the living room I ran and into the bathroom just as he put the knife on the chair...Thank God...thank God...my heart is pounding...I slammed the door to the bathroom...and feel his body hit the door as I try to turn the lock...crying...please leave me alone, go away. He is so angry, he keeps bumping the door and yelling that he is going to kill me. All of a sudden he starts to stab the knife through the door [the door is made of thin wood shavings] I finally locked it, trying to hold the thin door so that his body weight doesn't break the door...Now he is crying over and over, that I lied to him and to please come out that he won't hurt me [I guess what I had gone through with my uncle and step-father prepared me somewhat because I knew not to trust him]. I would scream at the top of my lungs for somebody to please help me, but no one every came. He started stabbing at the door and kicking the door for me to come out. I sat down on the floor and used my feet to help brace the door against his weight. I noticed the door starting to give and jumped up and stood on the tub. There was a tiny window above the tub, I knew that somehow I had to get to that window. I climbed up to the window, opened it, yelling for help, there was no answer. No one was coming to help me. I pulled myself up and started to climb out the window. I put my hands on the ledge of the roof, swung my legs out the window and dropped to the ground...and ran like hell...I looked to my left as I ran down the driveway and noticed the guy was running opposite me. I started yelling the whole way across the street to a neighbors house. She heard me and came to the door. Needless to say, I had to go back to the house. She said she saw the guy running down the street and doubted he would be back...I was not convinced. She pulled the refridgerator in front of the back door with the broken window. Let me clarify a few things...

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** There were other children in the house with me. Two younger sisters and three younger brothers.

** I prayed they would not wake up or that he wouldn't go into the bedroom and hurt them.

** I thank God when I think back on it. The neighbor did not call the police because my mother was out

of town. She stayed for a few hours but said she would watch from her house. By this time the sun was coming up. Later that day other neighbors starting coming around and I found out that they heard my screams but did not want to get involved. I found out also that this guy knew one of our neighbors and had seen my mother leave and that we were alone. He sent a message by way of some of the kids in the neighborhood, "saying he had a gun and was going to kill me." I was told that his strange behavior was due to his drug habit. His cousin was a neighbor of ours and he was visiting from L.A. and had seen me and decided to come after me. Once my mother returned we told her what had happened of course it was too late to really do anything. That night I guess I relived the incident in my sleep because my mother said I was running down the hall crying in my sleep. I don't remember any of it. Several women spoke with my mother and said I was brave and kept my head. I did not see it that way. I feel I was Blessed...

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STEPFATHER

I was a very quiet child...I did not l did not want to be seen. My mother would force me to go outside...I did not want anyone to see me. I would wear dresses [loose fitting] I did not like wearing pants. I trusted no one... I did not want to be touched, physical closeness frightened me. I was always getting picked on because I wore my coat winter...spring...summer...fall. I often now wonder why? Why my mother didn't notice this strange behavior...Now I listen to my family describe me as being MEAN as a child! [lol[ ...what does that mean? No one stopped to ask why this little girl was so angry? I have come a long way...I understand the whys I had no answers to growning up...I have forgiven my uncle and I understand he has a sickness. I know that there are those of you who do not understand this...I'm sorry. Part of healing me was to forgive him, he came to me over ten years ago and asked me to forgive him for what he had done to me...but you know what? I had already forgiven him several years prior to that...[smile]. As for my step-father he died before an apology could be given. I guess I was about twenty-three or twenty-four. I will never have full closure here, and that saddens me. The day my mother told me he had died I felt guilty . You see I had such a sense of relief, but at the same time I was angry because he never said he was sorry for what he had done to me. That night I woke up screaming...I had dreamt he was standing over my bed...Even in death he had managed to get to me. I have experienced some horrible things as a child. I feel that I somehow survived it all with some sanity still intact, although there are those who wouldn't agree [lol] I have learned so much about my self...I am learning to love me...I would love to say I am 100% together...but...[lol]. I think about what happened to me from time to time...Sometimes, a smell or thought...brings the memories back...Yet, I SURVIVED!!... Right?