Four years ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two and a half years because I was gay. After the initial grief of the ending of the relationship was over, I asked myself, Do I really need to "Come Out?" Do I really need to tell everyone that I am gay?

Today, I am out to almost everyone I know. The decision I made and continue to make is that, yes, I should Come Out to everyone. My decision has been partly political, partly social, and largely personal. I agree with the bumper stickers which read, "Gay by Birth. Out by Choice."

Part of my decision to Come Out came from a speech I heard while at the 1993 March on Washington for equal rights for queer folks. While walking through the Mall in between the Capital and the White House, surrounded by hundreds of thousands of other queer people, I heard a speaker over a massive PA system demand, "Come Out! When you get home, come out to everyone you know—friends, family, co-workers, classmates. If the day we got back from this March and we Came Out to everyone we know, THERE WOULD BE NO MORE HOMOPHOBIA."

I had read this similar idea before and I had been convinced intellectually; Coming Out was something I was going to do sometime in the future. Being surrounded by hundreds of thousands of other queer people gave the act of Coming Out an immediacy, an emotional empowerment of Community which I had never felt before. Coming Out was not only the right thing to do for myself, but for the other queer people struggling to Come Out in our heterocentric world.

When I returned from Washington, I found the mechanism to Come Out on the scale in which the speaker urged us. Three months after my return, an old high school friend told me that she was the new editor for 10%; did I know what 10% was? That night I Came Out to Kate (who knew I was gay before I did).

Kate asked me to write a story about my experiences with my girlfriend. In October 1993, the article was printed along side an 18 inch picture of me. It’s hard to remain in the closet with an 18 inch graphic and the headline "Still Gay After All These Years." I had blown the hinges off of my closet door. A week after the article was published, I Came Out to my parents.

Since the first article was published, my decision to Come Out has been largely a personal one. Now that I am Out to almost everyone I know, I must daily ask myself whether to Come Out to someone new in my life. Every day, I must decide whether to tell the person next to me in class that I am gay. Every time I come out to someone, it is still my personal choice.

I used to think that Coming Out was a one time, big time blow-out event. If you’re famous it’s easy: your publicist prepares a statement, everyone reads it, and three months later you’re interviewed by The Advocate. In real life, however, Coming Out isn’t an event; it’s a process. And the Coming Out process lasts the rest of your life. There are still some people who still don’t know I’m gay, but everyone significant and important in my life does know.

I have also been fortunate since I Came Out to help three people in my life Come Out of the closet. The Coming Out process has galvanized my relationships with these people so that I now consider them to be among my best friends. (Coming Out will do that to you; you never forget the people who helped you through it. I know that from Coming Out and from helping other to Come Out.)

For those of you who are thinking about Coming Out, I offer here some advise. The following is a list of things I wish I had listened to when I was deciding who (if anyone) to tell I am gay. You’ll notice that this isn’t a list of items I wish I had heard; I heard most of these things before I Came Out but did not listen and believe most of them.

Top 14 Things I Wish I Had Listened to When Deciding Whether to Come Out:

1. Being Out of the closet is much easier than being in the closet.

The primary thing closeted people don’t believe when I tell them is that being out of the closet is so much easier than staying in. You no longer have to keep that mental list of who Knows and who Doesn’t Know. It’s like lifting a weight off your chest. You suddenly feel more energetic and your self-esteem sky-rockets. This (to me) is much better than sitting alone wondering how evil a person you are and when someone will find out your dirty little secret. I still consider Coming Out the single most courageous thing a person can do. And after you’ve told the important people in your life, it can be a euphoric feeling.

2. Come Out only when physically safe to do so.

Although it is sometimes very constructive (and even wickedly fun) to Come Out in traditionally homophobic environments, make sure that it is safe for you to do so. If you are being financially supported by your parents, for example, consider closely if that support could be taken away if you reveal that you are lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Remember this: You can’t be much of an activist if you don’t have a roof over your head.

3. Be prepared for any reaction.

People’s reactions will always be different than you expect them to be. This can be both a good and a bad thing. Some people I expected to react horribly reacted extremely well. Other people who I thought would be understanding were less understanding than I expected.

4. You only have one chance to Come Out; make it good.

If you are not absolutely sure if Coming Out is the right thing to do, wait. With certain exceptions (like people who may pass away soon), you will almost always have another chance to Come Out. This doesn’t mean you should put it off forever, but if the conditions aren’t right, wait.

5. Don’t expect miracles. People need time.

Whether you’re telling someone that you’re lesbian/gay/bisexual or that you’re going to drop out of school or that you got a new job, people need time to adjust to new ideas. Some parents may need 2 weeks; others may need 2 years.

6. If all lesbian/gay/bisexual people Came Out, there would be no homophobia.

This is a fact that I didn’t believe for many years. Now that I know more l/g/b people, I know that it’s true. If everyone who happened to be l/g/b turned purple for a day, homophobic people would be looking at their brothers, their sisters, their wives, their husbands, their co-workers, their doctors, etc. Coming Out is hard on the individual, but keep in mind that every person you Come Out to can make a difference in your life and other’s lives.

7. There is always going to be a voice of opposition.

No matter how many l/g/b people Come Out, there will always be opposition, just like there continues to be racism. Coming Out is largely changing the minds of those people who are open to change. Although some people may need time to change, if they are abusive to you or try to hurt you, don’t waste your time with them.

8. Come Out for the clothes and the music.

In the exhausting process of Coming Out, some of us forget that there are certain advantages to being l/g/b. For example, same sex relationships are often much more balanced than male/female relationships. When asked why he was gay, a friend used to reply, "For the clothes and the music." Deciding to Come Out in a public venue is a constant struggle, a constant question. Coming Out can be tiring and draining, but it can also be highly rewarding. So go with it! Enjoy the clothes and the music. Have fun.

9. When you Come Out, you become visible to other l/g/b people.

One of the universals of l/g/b people is the feeling of isolation they feel before they Come Out. Coming Out makes you visible to other gay people who may (1) be concerned about Coming Out themselves and/or (2) be interested in dating you. By Coming Out, you simultaneously help others with their self-confidence and you help your romantic/social life. It is hard having a date when only you know that you’re l/g/b.

10. Coming Out lets you find out who your friends really are.

Sharing your sexual orientation with a friend may either make or break the relationship. For those who still treat you with respect and dignity, you have strengthened your friendship with that person. For the friend who cannot accept you for who you are, I offer this subjective opinion: that friendship probably would not have lasted a long time anyway. You’re probably better off without that person who cannot accept you for who you are, whether the two of you went your separate ways over homosexuality or crashing the other person’s car.

11. Coming Out promotes self-awareness.

Many people who Come Out must look within themselves for answers to significant questions like Who am I? and What is my role in society? Because of this introspection, Coming Out promotes a heightened sense of self-awareness. Most of the people who I truly respect and admire as individuals happen to be lesbian, gay, or bisexual. This is not to say all l/g/b people are wise and that all straight people are shallow; there are plenty of stupid people in both groups. Coming Out gives l/g/b people an opportunity to scrutinize their lives in a way that straight people do not instantly have.

12. No more coded relationships.

Your friends/family/co-workers/school-mates may finally be able to recognize the significance your partner/lover/girlfriend/boyfriend/??? has in your life. She doesn’t have to be your "friend" (euphamism) anymore.

13. Have a support network.

Everyone needs help sometimes. People who are Coming Out also need help. Learn who will support you in your decision to be honest about your sexuality. Their strength can make the difference when you are trying to Come Out to someone.

14. Not everyone DOES have to know.

I am still not Out to my grandmother because I do not feel that our relationship is hindered by her not knowing that I am gay. If my boyfriend and I decide to get married, then I will Come Out to her because she will be missing an important event in my life. Not everyone does have to know that you’re l/g/b. But be careful not to make this an excuse for not Coming Out to a particularly hard person.

The decision I make every day is also not limited to whether I will Come Out to someone I know, but also whether I will stay Out. One of the things I that has surprised me is how easy it could be for me to go back into the closet. I could change jobs or change schools, and no one would have to know that I am gay except those people in my life that really matter. Every day so far I have made the decision to continue to be Out.

Whatever your decision is about Coming Out, remember that you are not alone. There are many of us on this campus who have fought the same battles and climbed the seemingly endless hill of Coming Out. Take heart that there is light at the end of the tunnel.