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For the first time in many years, life seems full of hope to me. I feel like there are qualities I possess that are worthwhile to other people. I know that I am a good person, an honest person, and someone to be loved and trusted. And who ever gets my love will be a lucky man. I have always thought of myself as such a strong person, when in reality I wasn't strong at all. I guess the main reason I wasn't strong when I needed to be was that I was afraid of losing someone's love. In this case, my husband's love. When in reality maybe that was what he needed from me the most. For me to say no, to put my foot down and say what really was on my mind instead of kowtowing to him and letting him mentally abuse me. I hadn't realized just how limited my life was until just recently. I never went anyplace, I never did anything, it's no wonder the computer became my whole life. Only on the computer did I find what I'd been searching for. The last 5-7 years has been spent screaming out for love and acceptance. It seemed the only place I got this was online. I'm sorry, but I think it's a damn shame that anyone has to resort to talking to total strangers to make them feel loved and cared for. I just thank God that the "total strangers" I have met over the last 3-4 years have been nicer to me than the one man who was supposed to be there for me. Each friend I have made online has given me something that is irreplacable - love, compassion, warmth, and support. I realize as well as anyone that the people you meet online are friends for a very brief time. But what they give to us in the short time we are a part of their lives is more important than most anything else. I've made friendships that will never end. It's not important that we may not get together and chat as often as we used to. What is important is knowing those friends will be there for you when you need them the most. I can't write this without thinking of one very special friend I have. His concern for me has been apparent for a long time. I refer to him as my guardian angle because he seems to watch over me. Many a night we've spent on the phone as he has analyzed me. And many a dollar he has saved me in "shrink" bills too! (lol) I have never been good at taking criticism, even when it's been well meaning. Yet I've allowed this friend to tell me things about myself I'd let no one else tell me. Maybe it's because I know he really wants to help, or maybe it's because I know this friend seems to know me better than I know myself at times. Either way, if he thinks it, he says it. And for this I owe him alot. In the past when someone has seemed to take an interest in me, for one reason or another, "using" me was usually involved. Either for some help with webpages, or advice, or my love. However I don't feel used one bit by John. Maybe it's because I know he only has eyes for a very special woman in her own right, his fiance`. John is one of the few people I have ever met, online of offline, that values the word friendship. To him, friendship is more than being there for the good times, it's being there to kick your butt when it needs kicking. Thankfully he doesn't need to do much butt kicking these days. (I've got black & blue marks from the kickings already...lol) I feel stronger than ever before and as I continue to deal with the changes in my new life, I know I am ready. One of those changes is some permanence for a change. In the last 13 months I haven't had much, if any, permanence. I've been uprooted from my home of the last 11 years. I've begun the long process of ending a marriage of 13 years, and I've won and lost a multitude of friends. Three weeks ago my husband and I finally signed our separation agreement. Once it is filed with the court I will never have to worry again about my financial status. When I look back at my decision to leave and divorce my husband I feel proud of myself. Proud for taking the necessary steps to finally take control of my own life. And proud for achieving so much in such a short time. I've known people that have never came to terms with what has happened to them in their lives, and because of that they never seem to gain the strength that self reliance gives you. I feel prepared to take on whatever is necessary now. I'm in the planning stages of moving to south Florida to be closer to loved ones. And I'm starting to view myself as a worthy candidate for a man some day.   When I think back over my life, remembering the men I have given my heart to, the realization strikes me like a blow to the face. Each one has been yet a carbon copy of the other. Only the names and the faces change. I've told myself over and over, what I want is a man that is strong, independant, sincere, honest, and loving to a fault. Some of the time I've gotten lucky and found the man loving to a fault. But unfortunately that's as close as I've ever gotten to finding "him". I met my first love in the 9th grade. His name was Chris, and he was new to our school. We shared a few classes together. I remember thinking how cute he was, and how much I wanted to date him. At the time I was almost 16, and he was 14. Towards the middle of the year I got my wish. We had begun dating and hanging out at each other's homes on weekends. I can still remember the feeling of total happiness. A cute boy was mine. But, after time I began to know the real Chris. He was very immature, and would begin crying for no reason. Not little tears falling down his cheeks, but open wailing. He lacked any self confidence or backbone and I found this a challenge to try and help him. After dating for 2 yrs I saw the writing on the wall. I'm sure he did too. Not only did I not respect him, I had run out of the energy needed to constanly hold his hand through life. I met my second love at the age of 20, he was 43. I was all alone in a big town, working in upstate NY, a 4 hour drive from "home". I was a hairdresser in a rather large college town. Although I had many younger and cuter men come into the beauty shop, I fell for Dave. When we had first met I thought he was much younger than he was, and he thought I was much older than I was. It wasn't until my birthday in September that either of us found out how old the other was. By this time it was too late for either of us to care. I was lucky that my illness hadn't been too bad at that time. We were able to enjoy life almost to it's fullest. He was so very kind, loving, and compassionate. He also was very insecure, very unsure of himself and had little to no self esteem. Again I found myself in the position of being the strong one, the nurturing one, and again I began to resent him. Little by little the romance died, and I was left miserable and unhappy. Several years passed before I was to meet the next man in my life. My life at the time existed of owning and operating my own business during the day, and spending my evenings with my parents...helping my mom to care for my father. I went out little, if at all. Also my illness had begun to gather speed, and I fould myself unable to walk of move more than ever before. The year I turned 24 I met man number three. His name was Ron, and I met him through his mother. She would come in once a week for a shampoo and set, and talk nonstop of her son Ron. Eventually she invited me to her home to meet her son. We seemed to hit it off right from the start. I dated Ron longer than anyone I had ever met before. During the year we dated I could see that he too had the same qualities as the men before him. He also had one quality I had yet to find in the men I had dated before him, deception. We had dated every night for a year. I would spend entire weekends on his parents farm helping out and just being with him. After a year had passed we talked of getting married. He'd said he needed time away from me to think out his decision. If I had been smart, and more sure of myself, I would have said "you make it now, or don't make it at all". But I was stupid, and desperate to have someone to love me. To make a long story short, Ron had been seeing another woman while we had been dating. Once she announced she was pregnant, they rushed off and were married. Again I was devestated, and alone. My illness was getting worse as time went by. At the same time my father was dying. I tried to be everything for everybody, but I felt empty inside. I had the love of my family, but it wasn't the same. Just once I wished I had someone who really loved me, and was independant and strong for me too. Along came man number four, my husband. Looking back I can see all the mistakes, but at the time I felt he was my Prince Charming. I was ill, and very vulnerable as my father's doctors had told use he wouldn't live much longer. We'd had a whirlwind courtship that ended with being engaged 4 weeks after we had met. Every night was spent sitting in the ICU waiting room, waiting for my 5 mins alone with my father. I realize now this wasn't the time for me to be making lifelong decisions. But I needed someone, and I grabbed the first man that acted interested. Again I fooled myself, acting on lonliness and desperation to have someone to love me. We were married 4 months later at my mother's home. The first year was happy for both of us, and we spent our time doing things you would do while dating. Since we'd never had the opportunity to really date, we made up for lost time. After we had been married for 2 years my husband decided he'd like to go to Graduate School. My health had deteriorated to the point where I was absent from work for weeks and months at a time. So I sold my business and we moved to Troy NY in May of 1988, two months before our 2cnd anniversary. I worked part time to help support us. By now my illness had gotten much worse and just dressing myself for work was excruciatingly painfull. This was also the time I was diagnosed with FMS. Thankfully the job I had didn't require my presence all the time, for I spent a great deal of the time in bed, in agony. I think it was during this time that I had begun to realize my mistake in marrying too fast. I was miserable, and very unsure of what to do. I remember during the 5 hour drive to visit my mom one weekend that I had serious doubts at to whether I would return to my husband. I said nothing to anyone, and came to the conclusion that I hadn't given "us" enough time. Already I had seen the carbon copy of the other's, the lack of self confidence, the inability of him to stand up for himself and the insecurities. I did whatever I could to boost his self esteem. When he finished school, almost 2 years later I convinced myself things would be better for us. My husband had no trouble in landing a good job with a good salary. I thought this alone would help his insecurities, but it didn't. In the next 11 years of our marriage I did whatever I thought would help him. As time passed though he became more distant and less supportive of me and my illness. We spent less and less time together, and rarely ever went out on the town for any fun. Most evenings were spent with a quick stop at a fast food restaurant, then going home and his sitting in front of the TV. Five times in the 11 yrs we lived in S.C. I had told him how unhappy I was, and how much I needed his love and support. Each time he would vow to do better, and each time he would fail. By the time I asked for our divorce, I felt like a piece of the furnature for all the love and attention he gave me. I handled everything, the money, the house, contacting repairmen, getting the vehicles repaired. For 11 years I shouldered all the responcibilities because he was unable to. I had long since lost my respect and love for him, just as he'd lost his love for me. He would hint, sometimes openly, that he saw me and my illness as a responcibility he could no longer deal with. I knew he didn't love me anymore, it was quite obvious, I also knew he didn't have the courage to end a marriage that essentially had been over for years. I still wasn't prepared for his reaction when I finally did ask for a divorce. It's probably the one sentence I'll never forget. "I envy you the strength to do what I've wanted to do for years." Since we split up 13 months ago I have tried to rebuild my life and regain some of the self esteem and condfidence in myself that had been lost for so long. This hasn't been easy, but with the help of my friend John I've been making progress. That is until I again meet someone to set me back. I have met men who have captured either a part of my heart, or my entire heart. They have all been very kind and compassionate to me, but at the same time they have dragged me into the same position I have always found myself in. I can't be the only one to shoulder the responcibilites life has to offer. I need someone who is strong and self relient to help me. I realize now that my entire life has been a huge circle. Meeting the same man over and over, and realizing this isn't what I need, nor want. I've come to the conclusion that maybe what I need in a man no longer exists. If it does exist, why have I never met anyone like this? No, I think I've probably gone as far as I'll ever get. I guess I should just be thankfull that the only one I'm responcible for is myself, and come to the realization that it's up to me, and me alone, to make my own happiness in life. That missing part of me will remain missing, I'll just have to learn to live with the disappointment. Afterall, I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'll never be a mother, I can deal with never being a wife as well. Upon graduation I would secure a terrific job in graphic design. I would meet a tall, dark haired man with blue eyes who would be my missing half. From the moment we met it would be like magic. Each of us knowing from the moment we laid eyes on each other that we were meant to spend eternity together. We would go to every adoption agency in America until we brought home a tiny baby with us. I'd work out of my home, as I raised our child. Unfortunately there is no such thing as time machines. So we are left with only our futures to change, and our pasts to learn from. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that we alone are responsible for what happens to us. We can let others dictate to us how to live our lives, or we can decide for ourselves, the choice is ours. Starting today I am determined to make my future much happier than my past. For now, it's just me. I have no other responsibilites. No longer will I live as if my life is on hold. If I can't make myself happy, how can I hope to ever make someone else happy? So I will live each day to the fullest, do the things I enjoy but never have the time for, and strive to be as happy as any person can ever be. If I feel there is a part of me missing, then I will just direct my energies in another direction. The four things I enjoy the most are working on the web making pages and graphics, fishing, helping other people, and playing cards. From this moment on I intend to spend much more time doing what makes me happy, and spending less time focusing on what doesn't make me happy. I'm also going to stop the "search" I've been on my whole life. There comes a time in your life when you have to learn to say that enough is enough. When it comes to my love life, I have to say that I've had enough. Now she will be moving to Florida without me. Her closing will be September 6th. However I'm stuck here until my divorce is finished. Talking to my husband tonight I find that the end is far from near. We have to appear in court for our separation agreement to be finalized. His lawyer suspects this won't happen for the next six weeks. That places our appearance sometime in the first two weeks of October. On November 15th we can file for the final divorce. I suppose it will take another 6-8 weeks for a court appearance to be scheduled for that. I'll be lucky to escape from here before January. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared about being here all alone. Living alone in my apartment I can deal with, but living in a state where I don't know a living soul is another matter. Especially now when I need so much help for just the little things. I'd gone grocery shopping alone yesterday. It was the first time I've ever done that, and I realized just how hard this is going to be. My arms and shoulders are so badly effected by my FM I can barely push myself, let alone try to manage a shopping cart. When I got home yesterday I was in agony. My hips and legs were screaming out in pain, as were my arms and shoulders. I fought chest pains all afternoon and evening from over using my arms. God how I wish I could just leave now. I wish I could just hop in the car, drive to Florida and never look back. But I can't. I will be leaving Monday morning to drive my mother to Florida to look for a house, but once we find one I'll have to come back. I would love to be able to stay there and not have to come back, but I have to appear in court, and I'm not up to driving to and from Florida on a weekly basis. It takes me two long days of driving just to get to Florida, not to mention the 2 days drive back. I don't even want to think about making that kind of a drive all alone. Oh well, I guess it will do no good to hope and wish. There is no way to alter the course my life must take. So I guess I'll just have to tell myself next year will be better. | |||||||
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