As Misty's World Turns - September 1999


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Sept. 3, 1999

Have you ever felt as though you'd woken up in a nightmare? That what ever you did, where ever you went, who ever you met meant one problem after another. I've been living this nightmare for the last 10 years. This last week has just been the icing on the cake. My mother remarked once that living in South Carolina was like living in a foreign country. How true this has been. If I didn't have to deal with the people here I could learn to love it here. Unfortunately it's impossible to live like a hermit. It's also impossible for me to live where I don't feel liked or even tolerated.

After living here in South Carolina for so long I've found myself becoming more and more suspicious of anyone claiming to be a christian. Time after time, these people have proven to not be trusted. Just this week my mom and I dealt with a woman who claimed not only to be a "good christian", but to also have "never done anything illegal...EVER!" I think it's more like she'd never been CAUGHT doing anything illegal before. I say this because on three separate occasions she indeed tried to do something illegal. Not to mention the numerous things she did that definitely was immoral, if not illegal as well.

After a long day of packing, draining my mother's waterbed, and just moving in general, not to mention a closing on her house, the best part of the day was yet to come. She'd received a good sized check for the purchase of her home. She'd wanted to wire the money to an account she had with her financial advisor. Saving the chance of losing this kind of money in the mail. But once we got to the bank we were told this wasn't possible. We both informed the woman at the bank that my mother had an account in this bank. That didn't seem to matter. This woman had the intelligence of a tennis ball, and was better suited to a job picking lint out of your navel, than being an officer in a bank. Needless to say we walked out of there not only unhappy, but very displeased.

To think that I'm doomed to remain in this God forsaken state for another month, or two, leaves me cold!

Sept. 21, 1999

It seems like it never rains here anymore. Tonight, for the first time in many months it's finally raining. It seems to match my mood actually. I'm raining on the inside, trying not to rain on the outside.

Like everything else, I'm waiting to be told when to appear in court. It seems like my life for the last year and 1/2 has been nothing but waiting....and waiting some more. My husband was over here Sunday, at my request, to baby sit Jack for me while I got some groceries. While he was here I asked him if he'd heard from his lawyer. He hadn't. Wether or not he'll ever call his lawyer is still an unknown.

Jack has been very sick. I even thought I was going to lose him at one point. Thankfully he seems to be making a come back. He'd been sick at both ends for over a week, and he has turned into a black and white skeleton. He's now on canned dog food, which is even more expencive than the dry was. I suppose it's too late to ask for dog support now. On the up side, he adores his new food, and sits on the kitchen floor whining that he wants more, this after polishing off 2 cans already. (lol)

My mom is now in Florida and has been for a few weeks now. She is staying with my brother and his family. Her house closing there is scheduled for the 4th of Oct. and she has arranged to have her things moved from storage to the house on the 6th. She's very excited....I wish I could say I was. I feel so out of my element. I don't feel like I belong here in SC, but then I don't feel like I belong in Fla either. I wanted to live by myself and have my own life. Now in order to afford Fla I'll be living with her. I love my mother very much, she is and always has been my best friend. But there is a part of me that feels like such a failure at having to move in with her at the age of 39.

Now that my mom is gone I'm utterly alone, I miss having her around. I miss having ANYONE around. I feel like I could die tomorrow and no one would miss me, or even know there was a woman named Mary at all. Next week will be the first time I've ever been totally alone on my birthday. I know most people would prefer it that way. But our family always made a big to do over birthdays. It still seems odd to me that no one will be here.

I still wonder what has happened to my life. I had such high hopes when I was a kid. I'd dreamed of getting married, having a family of my own, and enjoying life. I guess we never really get what we hope for do we? We just have to manage with the hand we're dealt and try to make the most of it. There isn't a day that passes that I'm not possitively sure leaving my husband was the right thing. There just seems to be a huge chunk of my life that is empty.

Sept. 30, 1999

Yesterday was my 39th birthday. Ever since I was a little kid I've always been excited about my birthday. This year was the first time that I had dreaded having a birthday. It wasn't for the same reasons most people dread a birthday....getting older...losing their youth. I dreaded mine because I knew I was going to be all alone this year. My family always made birthdays special. Even after my father died my birthday still felt special to me. I think the hardest part of living in a place where you don't know another soul, is spending days like that alone.

I woke up feeling alone and depressed. It was pouring outside, and that gave me just the excuse I needed to lock myself up in my apartment and stay in. A few hours after I'd woken up the phone rang. I answered it expecting to hear my mother. I was surprised when it turned out to be my friend Tom from Canada. We didn't talk long, but just knowing he thought enough to call and wish me happy birthday was enough. An hour later my friend John from California messaged me to also wish me a happy birthday.

I spent the rest of the day online with my best friends playing cards, telling raunchy jokes, and just having a great time. By the time early evening rolled around my mom had called as well as my oldest brother. I'd also gotten a nice long call from my friend Don in Pa, along with a call from my other brother. Once I'd hung up the phone I returned to the spades room for more fun with my friends. It's times like this when you are with friends that you realize just what life is all about. It's not really important if they can't physically be with you, as long as they spend time with you and show you their love, that's all that is really important.

My eternal thanks to John, Dorene, Tom, Goat, Jeff, R.G., FoxyLady2, MightyPinkie, and all the others at WON for making yesterday one of the happiest days I'd have in a very long time. I love you guys!

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