In Loving Memory of

Gabriel Carlsson

"Gods (little) Man!"

 

 

 

 

The Pregnancy!

 

It all began on May 1st 2001. It was nine o'clock in the morning,

and the rain was pouring down, my boyfriend and I were running

to my doctors office. My period was late and I was hoping that I

wasn't going to hear those familiar words "sorry you are not pregnant"

again this time.

I had my hand in my pocket and there in my fist was the little bottle

that was going to decide if it was going to be yet another disappointing

day or the best day of my life!

We had been trying for a baby for one year and four months and I

was starting to doubt that I could conceive naturally.

My biggest ambition in life has always been to be a mother, ever since

my brother was born twelve years ago and I held him in my arms for

the first time. I looked into his eyes and I knew this is what life is all about.

I was only 11 years old.

We came into the doctors office and I handed the bottle over to the

medical secretary.

I sat down and prayed and my prayers were answered!

I was pregnant?!! I couldn't believe what she was saying.

I was laughing with tears coming down my cheeks.

Back in the waiting room people was staring at me.

I just couldn't stop giggling, I must have looked insane!!

I was just so happy.

It didn't take long before I felt very pregnant.

My belly started growing really early, I got sore breasts,

my face got covered in spots and I got morning sickness.

My morning sickness soon got really bad.

I couldn't eat anything. Every time I tried, it felt like my abdomen was

on fire as soon as swallowed.

All I could do was cry because I was so hungry, It was horrible.

In a very short time I had lost 7 kilo gram's.

And then I started to wommit blood, I got really worried I hadn't

eaten anything for weeks and now the blood.

I talked to the doctor and found out that I had an ulcer.

He gave me some medicine and I soon felt better.

We gave the baby the nickname Diddli after a small mouse that was

really popular at the time.

He is seen on on mugs, notepads and postcards etc.

I went to my first midwife consultation and she said that everything

looked fine.

I was now about 13 weeks and felt sure that nothing else could go wrong

and for the first time I started relaxing.

I felt sure that I would get to keep the baby.

Little did I know that it was already too late.

My precious baby was dead.

 

The Tragedy!

On my birthday the 12th. Of July I had the celebration at my mothers

house. Everything was going well, my mothers friends were there and

they all wanted to see how big my belly was.

It was already pretty big. They all agreed with my mother that I looked

beautiful as pregnant.

I was so happy everything was just perfect.

I was going to have a baby. I was so happy that I could barely sit still.

When we got home late that evening I was still floating on air.

I went to the toilet and found to my horror that I had discharged

what looked like little drops of old blood.

I knew that it wasn't a good sign and I freaked out.

I called the deputy doctor and after answering his questions he told us

to meet him at his office. When we got there the only examination

he did was to feel my belly and tell me that there was probably

nothing wrong.

He didn't even examine me inside.

He just said that many women lose their pregnancy and that there was

nothing I could do to prevent a miscarriage if I really was loosing

my baby.

It seemed to me as if he was annoyed that I had disturbed his evening

and just wanted me to go away.

So I went home just as scared as before I left.

What a "great" help he was!!!

This was a Thursday and over the weekend it felt like I was leaking fluids.

On Monday the 16th. Of July (I was now at 16 weeks gestation)

I was still bleeding as before and I called a friend who also was pregnant

for advise. She told me to call the midwifes office and I did.

The midwife told me not to worry that it was normal to bleed a little.

But she could hear how scared I was so she told me that I could come in

and hear my babies heartbeat if it would make me feel more at ease.

I said yes right away and was looking forward to hearing the heartbeat

for the first time I had never tried that before and my fiancé come to.

On the buss there I was feeling very exited but when the buss stopped

in front of the hospital something really strange happened.

I don't know how to explain it but I will try.

I got the feeling that someone touched or laid their hands on my shoulder

and I "heard" a voice in my head saying

" Be calm, but get ready, it is bad news, but be calm".

I know how it sounds but I felt it was the voice of an angel and I think it

was my grandfather who died 4 years ago.

We were always very close and I think I recognized his presence.

I have never experienced anything like this before and I really became

calm and I knew...

The midwife tried to listen to the babies heartbeat but she couldn't find it.

She said that it was because my stomach was rumbling from hunger.

But I knew...

Then she tried to scan the baby and she got this expression on her face

of worry.

I asked her what was wrong couldn't she find the baby?

"ØØØhh... I'm not really good with this scanner, I'll go get someone

who knows how to do!"

But I knew...

She left us alone in the room and I told my fiancé that I was getting

ready for bad news and that he should get ready too.

The midwife came back with a doctor and he scanned me too.

He looked at the midwife and said "Yes I see the same thing you saw"

. She nodded and said " let me turn on the screen"

and then I saw my baby for the first and only time.

The thing that caught my eyes was the roundness of the forehead,

My baby had his fathers profile. ( My forehead is kind of flat while my

fiancé has the forehead of a child)

Then the doctor spoke

" It is very small and I think, no I know that it's dead"

My whole world fell apart and I started crying.

I was told that judging from the size it had been dead for a couple of

weeks. I was given the choice between waiting for the baby to fall out

on its own and risking an infection or having it removed under anesthetic.

They told me to call the next morning for an appointment.

We went home and I told my mother and my friends what had happened.

Later that evening my fiancé and I took a walk.

It was a beautiful summers evening and the sun was setting in the

horizon painting the sky orange.

We sat in the grass and I picked a white clover flower.

The smell of white clover will always remind me of Gabriel.

We talked about what had happened and I cried.

I kept stroking my belly and telling my baby that I would miss him.

We went home and I tried to stop crying so that I could get some sleep.

It wasn't easy I couldn't stop thinking about that this was the last night

I had with my baby and that tomorrow my baby would be gone.

The next morning On July 17th. I called the hospital and they told me to

come in. I waited from nine o'clock in the morning to three o'clock in

the afternoon. Six hours of true terror. I was scared to death.

At one point I was alone in the room. I placed my hand on my belly

and sang the lullaby from Tarzan.

It was very difficult to get the words out because I was crying so.

But I did it and then they came for me.

 

The time after!

The time after I got home from the hospital is almost a blur to me.

I was feeling numb, I would cry but the grief hadn't really hit me yet.

But in the end it did!

When I cried it felt like pure pain was coming out.

It felt like I couldn't breathe. Like my heart was failing and I was going

to die. I guess that's what it feels like when your heart is breaking.

And mine was!

I felt like God had cheated me.

Like he had made a fool of me and I hated him!!!

He had promised me a baby and then he took back his word!

This was a really lonely time for me.

I really needed to talk about what had happened but no one wanted to

talk about it. I guess it made them uncomfortable.

They would tell me that I should take a deep breath and move on.

But I couldn't do that!

I needed to talk about it and cry all the hurt out.

My fiancé tried to be understanding but it was difficult for him not to

say the wrong things all the time and it felt like he was just waiting

for me to be back to normal again!

Luckily I had my best friend through 13 years Berit.

She has always been there for me.

When I'm sad she's always sad too. She would listen to me.

Listen to all the dreams that had been shattered.

She would cry right along with me. She was grieving to.

She was grieving for me and my dreams as well as her own.

She was supposed to have been Gabriels Godmother and in my heart

she'll always be!

She knows the meaning of being a friend!

Eventually my broken heart started healing and I could breathe again.

But I know that I'm never going to be the same person again.

I have lost something that can never be replaced, my innocence.

Now I know that bad things doesn't just happen to other people.

It happened to me too!!!

 

My heart told me that I had lost a boy and I gave him the name Gabriel.

Gabriel means: Gods Man.

And I see him as Gods favourite little angel,

but he will always be my special little guy.

 

Mommy loves you my precious sleeping angels, don't ever forget my love

for you and how much you were wanted. Sleep tight my little ones!

Forever your

mommy