CHAPTER 19 – HAVE I FOUND YOU?

Fearing the worst, Brian leaned over the bathroom sink, forcing himself to look into the mirror. He turned his head to and fro, trying not to wince as he inspected his face with timid fingers. With a sigh, Brian pushed himself away from the mirror. Well, he certainly wasn’t going to win any beauty contest, that was for damn sure. Turning on the faucet, he began to scrub the dried blood off his hands, contemplating on how to conceal his injuries. Hiding the bruises should be simple enough; he knew makeup would handle that, but what about his cut lip? The gash could not be easily camouflaged and he had absolutely no idea how was he going to explain it to the general public. Knowing how much it hurt to talk, he wondered how painful it might be to sing. Opening his mouth, he tentatively sang a few soft notes, then stopped, cringing. Great. Just great, he thought sourly. Guess I should tell the guys.

Hearing voices coming from the other room, Brian shut the water off and cocked his head to one side, catching bits and pieces of conversation as it filtered into the bathroom. From their excited chatter, he realized the guys were in high spirits, convinced that she had finally disappeared, vanished for good. Gazing at his reflection once more in the mirror, he gave a rueful shake of his head, wishing he had just a tenth of their confidence. He desperately wanted to talk about his doubt, his fear, but a gut feeling warned him that now was not a good time. Besides, he had no basis for his feelings, just a sinking sensation that maybe things weren’t as they seemed. If only he could. . .

“Boo!”

Nick’s face popped up over Brian’s shoulder. “Scare ya?”

“Yes!” Brian slugged him, none too gently. “Thanks a lot, you jerk!”

“You’re welcome.” Nick smirked into the mirror. “Might as well quit looking, Bri. She’s not there.”

“Oh, really? And why is that, Einstein?”

“Cause if she was inside of you, would she let me do this?”

As sore and tired as he was, Brian easily evaded Nick’s lunge to kiss him. Giving a small smile, Brian backed away, his hands held out in warning as he attempted to keep Nick’s pleading, outstretched arms at bay.

“Aw, come on! It’s just one kiss. Pretty please? She won’t mind!” Nick screwed up his face, his mouth puckered up as he made exaggerated kissing noises.

Brian laughed, appreciating Nick’s humorous attempt to lighten his glum mood. “No! No way, you perv!”

Barely escaping Nick’s second attempt to plant a big smooch, Brian spotted Howie leaning against the doorway, watching them with a disapproving frown. He quickly ran behind Howie’s back, pushing him towards Nick.

“Here! Go molest Howie! He won’t mind!”

“Ha, ha. You guys are so hilarious,” Howie snapped. “Come on, let’s go. Kevin’s called a meeting.” He turned to leave. “Get out of my face, Nick,” he snarled, roughly shoving Nick away from him.

Brian and Nick looked at Howie’s retreating back and then at each other in amazement.

“Jeez, Howie’s thuch a bitch,” lisped Nick.

“Muth be that time of munth,” Brian said solemnly.

“I heard that!”

“Oops.” Nick flashed Brian a wicked smile, trying not to laugh. “We’d better go, before Kevin has a fit,” Nick warned as he motioned for Brian to follow him out of the bathroom. He made it point to hurry, knowing how little patience Kevin had when it came to waiting. Resisting the urge to stick his tongue out at Howie as he passed by, Nick flopped into an empty chair between AJ and Kevin. Brian crawled onto Nick’s bed, noticing it was covered in debris. Embarrassed by his recent outburst, he hoped no one was watching as he tried to unobtrusively brush some of the broken pieces of drywall and ceramic shards off the bedspread. Nick saw though it and gave Brian a “don’t worry about it look” before turning to face Kevin. “So, Kev, what’s up? Besides all of us, I mean.” He yawned loudly, giving a massive stretch.

Nick’s yawn triggered a domino effect and AJ and Brian yawned simultaneously. Howie seemed unaffected and watched as Kevin struggled not to follow suite. Kevin finally gave up trying to suppress his and yawned widely, covering his mouth with his hand. He was exhausted, mentally and physically, and from the expressions on AJ and Nick, knew that they were too. Not to mention Brian. Ignoring Nick’s question for the moment, Kevin turned to study his cousin.

“Hey, you gonna be okay?”

Kevin realized it was an ambiguous question, considering all that Brian had been through. “I mean, your face, your injuries,” he explained. “Maybe you should see a doctor.”

Brian gave an emphatic shake of his head and Kevin kept silent, deciding not to challenge his cousin’s decision. Even though Brian looked like shit and probably felt like it too, Kevin knew that it would be useless to argue with him right now. Anyway, there were other things to worry about and he needed to concentrate on those.

“Well, I guess it’s safe to assume that the worst is over,” Kevin began, ignoring the dubious look on Brian’s face. “She’s gone, and that’s all that really matters, right?” He raised his dark eyebrows in question.

Howie gave a small shrug, while AJ and Nick nodded their agreement. Brian looked like he wanted to say something, but was keeping his mouth shut.

Kevin rubbed his hands together, pleased. “Good. . . great. Okay, hopefully things now can get back to normal. We only have a short time before our next concert, so what I suggest is that we try and get as much R & R as possible, ‘cause we’re sure gonna need it.”

“But what if she isn’t gone? What if she’s still here?”

All four Backstreet Boys turned to look at Howie, surprised by the dark, ominous tone in his voice. Sitting quietly in his chair, his arms crossed across his chest, Howie stared resolutely at Kevin, his dark eyes demanding an answer. Brian sucked his breath in, anxious, but nevertheless relieved that someone other than him had asked that question.

“Well, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem now…”

“What. . . if. . . she’s. . . still. . . here?” Howie repeated, enunciating each word firmly.

Flustered by Howie’s persistence, Kevin began to nervously massage the back of his neck, trying to rub out some of the tension. He gave a troubled sigh. D’s right. What if she is still here? What then? Kevin smiled grimly, frankly acknowledging the fact that he was scared to even think about it. All he really wanted was to get everyone back on track, try to return some sort of normalcy within the group. But, by the stubborn look on Howie’s face, he knew he had to come up with an answer. And what answer could he possibly give him? He hadn’t the slightest clue what to do if she was still here! Feeling four pairs of eyes trained on him, he groaned inwardly. Shit. Why is it always up to me to figure things out? He thought for a minute, contemplating on what to say.

Hoping, no, praying that all of this had been just a fluke, a one time bizarre mishap, Kevin finally came to a decision on how to respond to Howie’s question.

"D, I gotta admit, this whole thing with Brian has been pretty crazy. I’m not going out on a limb and say ‘yeah, I’m positive she’s gone’, but it looks that way, doesn’t it? Why go looking for trouble? Besides, we can’t live every minute wondering if she’ll come back, can we?” Kevin knew his reasoning wasn’t going to fly when he saw Brian and Howie’s skeptical frowns. Damnit. He slumped in his chair, wondering what it was going to take to alleviate their fears.

“Well, uh. . . okay, how about this? As a safety measure, we’ll keep our guard up a bit more, say. . . for a week?” Kevin saw the anxiety diminish in Brian’s eyes as he nodded his agreement. “And, if nothing happens by then, we can figure she’s gone for good. That okay with you?” Howie’s face was unreadable, but he didn’t argue, so Kevin decided to take that for a yes.

“Good. Now, if that’s settled, I think we should start taking turns staying with Brian. Someone will be awake, at all times, watching him 24/7. All right?”

“Sounds okay to me,” said Nick. He was dog-tired, ready to call it a night. Or rather morning, as he noted the time. “Well, if nobody objects,” he began, sparing a pointed look at Howie, “I’m gonna dib last watch. I’m beat.”

Kevin looked questioningly at AJ and Howie. AJ shrugged. “Fine with me.”

“Howie?”

Watching Brian intently, Howie didn’t hear Kevin.

“Howie. . . Howie!”

“Uh. . . what?”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “You fine with Nick taking last shift?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever. Let the baby get his beauty sleep.”

Pissed, Nick made a face at Howie, giving him a quick middle finger. “Too bad all the sleep in the world wouldn’t help you.”

Howie threw him a sour look and started to reply but Kevin quickly butted in.

“Hey! Stop it right there! I’m not in the mood to listen to you two argue. And I’m pretty sure Brian isn’t either.” Kevin nodded in the direction of his cousin, who was resting on the bed, his eyes closed.

Chagrined, Nick mumbled an apology to Kevin and Brian but gave Howie a hard glare. He’d be damned if he was gonna say anything nice to Howie, especially since he had started the whole thing. And what the fuck was Howie’s problem, anyway? Nick shook his head, too tired to figure it out. Instead, he took a moment to glance around the room, which had originally been Brian’s. He now wished he had kept his suite and not let AJ and Brian bulldoze him into giving it up. “Hmm. . . well, considering my room has been thoroughly trashed, now where am I suppose to sleep?”

AJ gave a nonchalant wave of his hand. “Use mine, Nick.”

Nick looked at him hopefully. “You mean I can have the suite back?”

AJ grinned. “Nice try. No, Brian and I still need it. You can use my old room. It’s clean and it’s empty.”

“Gee, thanks, AJ. You two so owe me for this. Twice in one night,” Nick grumbled, rubbing his forehead. “Jeez, now I can’t remember. Where’s the room?”

“Right across from this one.” AJ lobbed the key card and Nick caught it one-handed. Stuffing a few items of clothing into a duffel bag, Nick quickly headed out, not bothering to say goodnight. They could all feel the vibration of Nick’s not too subtle slamming of the door.

“He’ll get over it,” announced Kevin confidently. “All right, that leaves just the four of us. Aje? Howie? Anyone volunteering first watch?”

“I’ll take it,” announced Howie firmly. “Can’t sleep anyway.” Howie gave Brian a crooked smile, noticing that Brian’s eyes were now wide open, quietly taking in the scene as he lay resting on the bed. “You don’t mind, do you?”

Confused by Howie’s question, Brian frowned. “Mind? Why would I mind?”

Howie shrugged and turned away, not answering.

Figuring things were under control, Kevin stood up from his chair and stretched, giving out a loud groan. “Well, I’m heading back to my room. Howie. . . ” Kevin paused, glancing at the clock radio in the room, “come get me around 7 and I’ll take over the next shift, okay?”

Once again, Howie didn’t seem to hear, his attention trained solely on Brian. Annoyed, Kevin cleared his throat and looked at AJ for help. Reaching over, AJ slapped Howie lightly on his shoulder. “Hey, D!”

“What?”

AJ jumped back, surprised by the dark scowl on Howie’s face.

“Jeez, bite my head off, why dontcha! Kevin asked you a question.”

“I heard him! I was just thinking. Wake Kevin at seven. See? I heard.”

“Well, excuse meeee. . . ”

Convinced that another argument was brewing, Kevin gave everyone a short nod goodbye and hurriedly left the room. Howie watched until the door clicked shut and then returned to his unabashed inspection of Brian. Uncomfortable under Howie’s scrutiny, Brian struggled off the bed and stood up, giving AJ a subtle ‘what’s up with him?’ look.

AJ shook his head, exasperated with Howie’s strange behavior. “Hey, D, go ahead, take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

Howie, catching the undisguised contempt, broke his gaze and turned to look at AJ. “What’s your problem?” he barked.

“You. Are you sure you’re okay to take this shift? You seem a little preoccupied in trying to stare Brian down.”

Howie snapped his fingers. “Oh, damn, and here all along I thought that was the plan!” he drawled sarcastically. “To watch him.”

“Not like that! Jeez! Give Brian a break, will ya? Things are gonna be tense enough for him without you eyeing him like a fucking bug under a microscope!”

Noticing Howie’s tightly closed fist and rapidly twitching jaw, Brian shifted uneasily, aware that Howie was using every ounce of willpower to refrain from physically hitting AJ. AJ’s mouth dropped open in surprise and he cautiously took a step back, stunned by the fury that flashed in Howie’s dark eyes. “Damn, Howie, what’s the matter with you?”

“Nothing that a good punch to your face won’t fix!”

“Oh yeah? Well, fuck you, Dorough!”

Oh,God, no.

Brian began to panic; the last thing he needed was to witness an ugly confrontation between the two of them. “Hey, guys. . . no. . . please don’t. . .” he began to plead, his voice fading away when he saw Howie take a threatening step towards AJ.

“What’s the matter, AJ? Afraid of me? Huh? Come on.”

Brian stood there, completely flabbergasted, hardly able to believe that Howie was trying to goad AJ into a fight. AJ wisely back farther away and slowly shook his head, not willing to let Howie provoke him into making the first move.

“I’m not afraid of you,” he countered. “I’m also not going to get into a fight with you. I don’t know what your problem is man, but I’m sure not gonna be a part of it.”

Brian held his breath as the two glared ominously at each other, wondering how things got so quickly out of hand. He knew that Howie’s nerves were shot, hell, everyone’s were. Still, he never expected Howie to be reacting with such raw emotion. Howie was the pacifist of the group, the reasonable one, the one who never seemed to get fazed, no matter what the circumstances. But now…Howie looked like he was one step from totally losing it. Brian wished he knew of a way to calm him down, to find out what was causing all this anger. . . it must be something. Something. Some. . . thing.

Oh my God.

Her.

No! No way! Taken aback, Brian shook his head, refusing to accept his crazy idea. He was drained, barely able to stand on his own two feet, much less think clearly, and he knew he was letting his imagination run wild.

"You don’t wanna fight, ‘cause you don’t have the balls for it,” Howie sneered.

Startled out of his thoughts, Brian snapped his head up to see AJ raising his hands in peaceful surrender.

“Whatever, D. I still I ain’t gonna fight you,” AJ replied, his voice maddeningly calm.

Disturbed by Howie’s determination to harass AJ, Brian began to gnaw nervously at a fingernail, secretly examining the agitated man before him. Howie was acting so bizarre that he couldn’t help but throw AJ a concerned look. AJ caught his eye and shrugged, obviously as confused as Brian was about Howie’s strange behavior.

But it was more than just strange. It was like Howie. . . wasn’t Howie. So. . . unreal. So. . . alien. Brian paled and moaned inwardly, now knowing that his previous idea was not so crazy. No! She couldn’t. . . please. . . she couldn’t be in Howie. . . it wasn’t possible. . . was it? Brian paled, his hands beginning to tremble as he remembered Nick explaining how Howie refused to give up on him, continuing resuscitation like a man possessed, even after it appeared that he would not survive.

Feeling faint, Brian closed his eyes, hoping he wouldn’t pass out. It’s true. It’s her. Somehow, someway, she’s managed to transfer herself into Howie. No wonder it never felt like she had left! She hadn’t. She was here, alive. . . and in Howie’s body. The realization of that hit Brian hard. With a supreme effort, he choked down the bile he felt rising in his throat, gagging in the process.

Whatever animosity that had been building quickly evaporated when Howie and AJ turned to discover Brian bent over, his hand covering his mouth.

“Bri? What’s wrong?” He felt Howie’s hand wrap around his shoulder.

Oh, dear God. How could he begin to explain? It wasn’t like he had proof. And to tell Howie what he believed. . . no, he didn’t even want to consider what Howie’s reaction might be. Breaking contact, Brian tried not to shiver as he scooted away from Howie’s grip. “It’s nothing. I’ll be okay. Just a bit queasy, that’s all. I think. . . I think I need to lie down.”

“Damn,” said AJ. “I’m sorry. Here we are arguing and you need help.” AJ rushed over to the door, yanking it open. “Come on. Let’s get out of here and back to our suite.” With a wave of his hand, he motioned for Brian to follow him into the hallway.

Unwilling to look Howie in the eye, Brian kept his head down and headed for the door. He sensed that Howie was studying him with a skeptical eye, suspicious of his explanation. It took all his remaining strength to keep his emotions in check as he carefully edged by him.

“I think Brian should stay with me in my room,” declared Howie suddenly, trailing behind them. “After all, I’m taking first watch.”

Not willing to get into another argument, AJ was going to agree, but then noticed the panicked look on Brian’s face. Brian was mouthing a silent ‘no’ to AJ, his eyes pleading in desperation for AJ to play along.

Play along with what? Confused, AJ nevertheless took the cue, wanting to know just what the hell was going on with Brian.

“Uh, D, all of Brian’s stuff is in the suite. It’s better if he stays there. Then we won’t have to lug all his shit back to yours.” Howie was frowning, so AJ hurried on. “Besides, you’re too much of a neat freak. Brian needs to relax in the comfort of a sloppy room,” he teased, hoping to make light of the situation. “Right, Bri?” he asked, seeing the gratitude in Brian’s eyes.

“Yeah, right. No offense Howie, but I’ll sleep better in my own room.” Brian gave Howie a weak smile, hoping the tremor in his voice would be mistaken for exhaustion.

Howie said nothing, looking back and forth between the two as he digested the information. With a shrug of his shoulders, he finally gave in. “Sure. Whatever. I just thought it would be easier for everyone if he stayed with me.”

“Well, it won’t,” said AJ brightly, still trying to play it light as they continued down the hallway. “Say, Howie, why don’t you forget about watching Brian tonight? Since I’m sharing a room with him, I’ll take the first watch.” AJ stopped by Howie’s door, praying that Howie would agree so that he’d have enough time to discover what was freaking Brian out.

Howie slid his key card through the slot. “Naw, that’s all right. I’ll just grab a few of my things and then head on over, okay?” He paused for a moment, holding the door open with one hand. “Say, AJ, I’m really sorry about everything. I don’t know why I said all those things to you. I didn’t mean it. Guess I’m more stressed out than I thought.”

AJ nodded a reply, too surprised by the sudden apology to say anything else. Giving them a quick smile, Howie entered his room and the door clicked shut, leaving Brian and AJ alone in the corridor.

Grabbing Brian by the arm, AJ marched him down the hall, stopping only when he knew they were out of hearing range. “Okay! Now talk! What’s up?”

Brian shook his head, glancing over his shoulder to check on Howie’s closed door. “No, not here, Aje! In our room. Hurry.” Hearing the fear, the panic in Brian’s voice, AJ began to panic too. He fumbled nervously around in his pocket, trying to locate his keycard. He finally found it and yanked it out, cursing as it slipped from his fingers.

“Come on, come on!” hissed Brian, moving restlessly behind him.

“I’m trying!” AJ hissed back. He picked up the fallen card, gave a firm stroke into the slot and shoved the door open as soon as he heard the familiar click. Brian promptly pushed him through, and AJ turned to find him running through the two bedroom suite, frantically latching every interior lock.

AJ took a deep gulp, watching with alarm as Brian propped a chair against the door for good measure. “Brian! What are you doing? What’s going on?”

Satisfied that the door was secure, Brian turned to face a thoroughly confused AJ. “Aje, please, you gotta believe me,” he began. “You’ve just got to!” On edge, Brian began to pace back and forth, rubbing his hands nervously against his pant legs.

AJ didn’t like where this was going. “Brian, calm down! Calm down! Just tell me what’s the problem!”

“Howie.”

“Howie? Howie’s the problem?”

“Yeah.” Worried that Howie would arrive before he had a chance to explain, Brian stopped his pacing and blurted out, “AJ, she’s not gone. She never left! She’s still here. . . and in him.”

AJ blinked a few times, perplexed, not sure he heard Brian correctly. “She’s still here,” he said slowly, trying to absorb the words.

“Yes!” whispered Brian, afraid to speak in a normal voice. “Everyone thinks she vanished, but she didn’t!”

“Huh? Wait, wait a sec! So you think that bitch is now in Howie? Brian! How could she possibly be in him?”

“AJ, I’m pretty sure that while I was unconscious she transferred into his body.”

"What?!” AJ hoped his voice didn’t come out as a screech. It wasn’t that he was about to call Brian a liar, not with all the bizarre things that had already happened, but it seemed so. . . so ludicrous. He ran a troubled hand through his hair. “But, why? It doesn’t make any sense, Brian. Why would she want to do that?”

“How in hell would I know?” Agitated, Brian grabbed AJ to emphasize his point, his fingers tightening into a vice-like grip around AJ’s arm. “All I know is that one, she is not gone, two, she is here, and three, she’s in Howie’s body!”

“Ow! Ow! Brian, let go!”

Wincing, AJ forcefully pried Brian’s fingers away, one by one. “ Damn!” He stepped away from Brian and gingerly rubbed his forearm, shocked at Brian’s strength.

“AJ, god, I’m sorry! Did I hurt you? Are you okay?” Distressed, Brian moved in for a closer look.

AJ held out a hand. “Stop! Stop! I’m fine.” He inspected his arm and frowned. “I think.”

“I’m really sorry! Really! I didn’t mean to hurt you! It’s just that I’m concerned about what’s happened to Howie!”

Brian’s concerned about what’s happened to Howie?? How about what just happened a second ago? AJ gave him a dark frown, more disturbed by the fact that Brian had not lost his abnormal strength than by his dubious tale. “Oh, come on, Bri. Do you really think she’s in Howie?” he questioned skeptically.

Brian’s mouth opened in disbelief. The last thing he expected from AJ was blatant mockery. He began to sweat. There was so little time. Why couldn’t AJ see the truth? Why was he being so stubborn? He needed to convince AJ that he was right, that she was indeed in Howie before Howie came back to their room. “You don’t believe me? AJ! Think about it! You just saw the way Howie was acting! Have you ever seen him act like that? That wasn’t normal and you Goddamn well know it!”

The furious look Brian was giving him was enough to cause the fine hairs on AJ’s neck to stand up. Brian’s eyes were dark, full, and glazed over just enough to conceal the blue of his iris. AJ was petty sure he was either going to pass out from shock or from fear. Protectively, he took a step away from Brian, trying to keep from hyperventilating. Fuck! Just how stupid can you be, McLean? Brian’s right. She isn’t gone. And she sure as hell isn’t in Howie. Frightened, AJ glanced at the barricaded door, suddenly wishing he was on the other side.

“Brian, uh, dude, right now, I don’t think anyone of us knows what’s normal or not!” AJ took the smallest of steps towards the door, hoping Brian wouldn’t guess what he was doing.

"You’re exhausted, I am too.” One more small step. “Things have been pretty crazy, and I think we all need to relax and not jump to any conclusions that we might regret later, okay?” AJ kept his voice as steady as he could and, considering that Brian was still just a few feet away from him, he had to give himself some credit for not losing his cool and screaming at the top of his lungs for help.

“You’re patronizing me, aren’t you?” Brian’s glare turned into one of resentment. “You don’t believe me.”

“Brian, whaddya say we just call it a night, huh? Let’s have you get some sleep, then we can talk about it in the morning, okay?” Damn, where was Howie when he needed him? What was taking him so long? Another tiny step toward the blocked exit. God, so close and yet so far away.

Brian saw through AJ’s façade, saw where AJ was heading, and began to despair. AJ didn’t believe him, didn’t trust him, and to top it off, he was now acting just as weird as Howie! Things were going from bad to worse, and he wondered if he had any more strength to cope with it. He felt himself sway a little. He was tired, so tired; all he wanted to do was just lay down and never wake up again. . .

“AJ!”

AJ jumped; he had just managed to make it to the door before Brian roared out his name. Brian was at his side in an instant, his body pressing so close that he could feel the warmth of Brian’s breath on his neck.

“AJ,” he said again, this time with a slow drawl. “You’re not going anywhere.”

Brian’s voice was calm, triumphant, and AJ froze, too scared to turn around to see what was shining in Brian’s eyes.

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