Chapter 40
March 12, 2007 - evening
It was seven o'clock and Rachel had gone to the kitchen for more coffee when she heard it. At first she couldn't decide what it was. Just an isolated thud. But fifteen seconds later the sounds left no question in her mind and, as the chill ran down her spine, her heart contracted. She ran toward the den and she heard other feet racing for the same location. Jerry got to the door at the same instant she did, with Tim and Brian only moments behind him. There were tears in his eyes as well as in hers, as they all listened to the sounds of Kevin's personal hell.>[?
"Oh, G-d! I thought he was doing better!" Brian cried. "Somebody's got to go in there and stop him! He's going to kill himself!" He tried to push past the others to open the door. Rachel caught his hand.
"No Brian," she said softly. "I'm going." She turned and looked at Jerry and smiled through her tears.
He tried to bar her way. "Rachel-honey, don't." She gently moved his arm aside. "No, Rachel-please-not you! Let someone else handle it!"
"Who else is there Jerry?" she asked quietly. "I'm the only expendable one here. It's my job, and there's no more time." She smiled at him again and turned the doorknob. There was a loud crash as something big shattered. She slipped into the room and closed the door behind her.
Kevin was standing in front of the desk with the packing box pulled from its place and sitting on top of the blotter. He had a handful of letters in one hand and more strewn across the desk and on the floor. In his other hand was a bottle of bourbon. The desk lamp was in small pieces on the hearth. He glared at her.
"I tried it your way-didn't work," he growled.
"So drinking is the answer?" she said evenly.
"Sure as hell makes doin' this a lot easier!" he laughed harshly.
"Oh?" Rachel held his gaze. He looked away from her a little uncertainly. "So you can't do this unless you're drunk?" She continued to stare him down. "Why is that Kevin? No balls?"
"You oughta know better than that!" he chuckled suddenly, taking a long pull from the bottle. "Thought I showed you different than that!"
"Yeah-I guess you did." Her eyes narrowed. "Well then-no stomach for what you're trying to do I guess. What are you destroying today?"
"Letters," he sneered. "Love letters! Now there's a laugh! She didn't ever love anybody. Not me, not her kids, not even herself." Another long swallow from the bottle.
"There seems to be a lot of that going on around here-doesn't there, Kevin?" He glared at her again. "Getting drunk helps-huh?"
"Damn straight!" He started toward the fireplace with the letters and a cigarette lighter, but he was weaving badly and bumped into the arm of the sofa. The letters spilled from his hand.
"Need some help there, Kev?" she asked calmly.
"Nah-I can walk!" he snarled.
"I didn't mean help getting there," Rachel said quietly. "I meant help ripping things apart." He stopped and looked at her.
Rachel took a deep breath and walked to the liquor cabinet. She pulled out the first bottle that came to her hand and opened it. "How drunk do you want to get, Kev? Drunk enough to rip her out of your heart?" She walked over to him. "Will that make it better? Come on, I'll drink with you." She tipped the bottle up to her lips and swallowed. The scotch burned down to her stomach. She looked up into his eyes. "Let's see how much we can destroy!"
He looked down at her. Looked into twin pools of torment as angry and hurt as he knew his own eyes were. He faltered and reached out to touch her hair. "Rachel, you can't-."
She brushed his hand away. "Why not? I hate her too." Her voice caught and she sobbed. "Look what she's done to you!"
"She didn't do anything!" he blurted out. "It's my fault! She wouldn't be dead if I hadn't gotten her pregnant. If I'd been more careful, it wouldn't have happened!"
Suddenly he blanched and swayed. Rachel saw him reach out and stepped in to help him. She caught his full weight as he sagged against her. And as he slid to the floor a book fell off the coffee table.
"So-you did read the diary," she said as she recognized it. "And who do you really hate?" she asked softly, kneeling down and cradling him in her arms.
"Oh, G-d Rachel!" His arms went around her and he sobbed. "What did I do to her?" He was hanging onto her, frantic and desperate.
"What did you do?" Rachel echoed gently. "You loved her. And she loved you. So much that she wanted to give you something that she knew she shouldn't try to. But that's what made her who she was-made her complete. She gambled and lost. But you didn't-not completely. You have a part of her forever in the beautiful children you made with her." She brushed his hair back out of his eyes and held his gaze for a moment. "Stop trying to lay blame, Kevin. There is no blame. You each gave and took love and Jemma and Aaron are her legacy to you and your tribute to her. It's time to let go. It's been time-for a long time. That's what your heart was trying to tell you here last year and in Los Angeles at Thanksgiving." His shoulders shook and his sobs tore at her heart. Finally, he began to calm down and Rachel gently wiped his tears away and smoothed his hair.
Kevin looked up at her. "Thank G-d you were here when I called from LA. I don't know what I'd have done if you weren't here."
He's going, Rachel.
"You would have tried again until I was here," she said quietly.
"I guess so-you were the only one who understood," he whispered, looking up into her eyes.
Distance. You're the sacrifice.
"I'm glad you came to me after her memorial service. That's why I called you-I remembered that you were there for me then." He was trying for control.
Shutting the door.
She smiled gently down at him. It was time to bring this full circle. "Well, if that's why you decided to call, there's someone else you need to thank."
"Who?" he asked.
"The only reason I walked into your room after Kristin's memorial service last year was because Aaron begged me to help you." She smiled and nodded at his look of incredulity. "He was the one who heard you. And when he asked me, I said I didn't think that I could do anything to help. He insisted. So I had to try."
That brought on a fresh outburst of tears. Rachel heard the door open cautiously and glanced up. Jerry was standing in the doorway with Brian and Tim behind him. She shook her head to keep them away. They stayed where they were and watched as Rachel cradled him in her arms and the tears subsided.
Finally he was still and after a minute or two of silence he said brokenly, "How would I have gotten through this without you, Rachel? No one else helped me."
Sealing it over.
Rachel looked up at Jerry over Kevin's head and his heart nearly broke at the despair he saw in her eyes.
She closed her eyes. "Hush, Kevin. It's done now," she whispered.
And I've lost him now-for good.
Jerry turned away and stumbled down the hallway, his tears blinding his vision, as Tim and Brian quietly moved into the room to help Rachel get Kevin upstairs to bed.
Chapter 41
Coming Home
Hosted Stories