Chapter 34
February 3, 2007
"Rachel, there's a great big truck outside!"
"Okay Aaron, I'm coming," Rachel said as she came out of the kitchen. She went to the front door and looked out. "Oh, I'll bet that's the things from California. Remember, your Daddy said he was having some things sent here?"
There were a lot of boxes, but they seemed to be clearly labeled. Most of them were going directly into storage in the garage. A few were marked for the house and there were two marked specifically for Aaron and Jemma. Rachel turned those two over to their designated owners and set about getting the rest deposited in the correct rooms according to the labels. The moving men came to the door with the last of them.
"This one's not marked, ma'am. Where do you want it?"
Rachel looked at it. There was no indication of where it was to go. "I guess I'll have to open it to see what's in it. Just leave it here please."
That evening after she had gotten Jemma and Aaron into bed, Rachel settled herself in the den with the unmarked box. She had kindled a fire in the fireplace and made a pot of tea. Once she was comfortable, she sliced through the tape that sealed the box and pulled it open. It seemed to be mostly papers, and she was just deciding to set it aside for now and file things away in the desk at another time, when she glanced at the top sheet. It was a note from Denise.
Kevin, I didn't know what you wanted me to do with these things. I guess you'll have to decide whether or not to keep them. My only thought was that maybe they should be saved for the kids. Obviously they're not appropriate right now-but when Jemma and Ari are older, they might want to know more about her. I just hope that I haven't done something uncomfortable for you by collecting them all together. If I have-I'm sorry. You know that wasn't my intention. Denise
Rachel looked into the box again. There were several packets of envelopes held together with rubber bands. She looked at the addresses. Letters to Kevin from Kristin. Letters to Kristin from Kevin. She smiled. Apparently he wasn't as enamoured of e-mail as he led everyone to believe. She set them aside. A packet of birthday and special occasion cards between them. Kristin had apparently liked saving mementos like these. Denise was right-Kevin would have to decide what he wanted to do with them. But now wasn't a good time for him to do that. Feeling the way he did about Kristin right now, he might get rid of everything and then regret it later when there was no way to reverse the situation. So I guess this whole box should go out to the garage, she thought.
She started repacking the box when her eye was caught by something at the bottom. A book. Or more accurately, a journal. She hesitated and then pulled it out of the box. She sat holding the journal in her lap for a few minutes, trying to decide if it would be a good idea to look inside. Finally she opened the cover. If it was Kevin's journal, she decided she'd just close it and put it away. But if it was Kristin's-well, it might help her to understand what had happened and what was going on in Kevin's head now. On the inside of the cover she found what she was looking for. Kristin Richardson- Journal started August 12, 2001. Just after Jemma's birth, Rachel thought. She curled up on the sofa with the journal and her tea and after a cursory glance at the first few pages realized that this was not a daily record, but rather a place where Kristin took her overflow emotions-happiness and anxiety alike. She must have valued the appearance of having things under control. Rachel grinned. Definitely a strong personality-and a match for Kevin, no question about that. She skimmed a few more pages and then flipped to the middle of the book.
June 18, 2002 - What a night last night! Any time I'm going to question whether I married the right man-remind me to think of last night! I knew he had things planned for our anniversary, but he blew me away-again! I went to the late class at the dance studio, and when I got home he had a bath drawn for me. White rose petals floating on the water, champagne chilled by the tub. He told me Jemma was asleep and the babysitter was due any minute, so I could take as long as I wanted. Yeah-right! I wasn't in the tub five minutes when he strolled in-naked. Well-one thing lead to another, and we almost didn't make it to dinner. Rooftop at the Westin Bonaventure. He bought out the damn restaurant! And hired those goofy mariachi band guys! And after dinner, he takes me downstairs and tells me that we're staying there overnight-the presidential suite. So when he carries me into the bedroom, he gets this big, old disgusted look on his face and says something about the staff not cleaning up the room-the bed's not made. And I look down and there's this huge lump in the middle of the bed-under the covers. He's grinning at me and I tell him to put me down, I'll take care of it. And when I pull back the covers-there's the ebony cat from the Egyptian exhibit at the museum that I told him I loved! G-d, he drives me crazy! How the hell did I get so lucky? So we finished the evening off with more champagne and got way too buzzed. I don't know how we got the condom on him, cause neither of us were all that great in the dexterity department! But what a night! I love him more every day.
Rachel smiled. It was good to know that she wasn't the only one who'd been totally mesmerized by Kevin. She read on.
June 29 - Kev's on tour again. He left this morning and I miss him already. Took Jemma to the doctor for her check up. I can't believe she's already ten months old. We came home and snuggled for a long time. I have to remember not to kiss her up too much though-I think I'm coming down with something. Haven't felt right for a couple of days. Don't want her to catch it, whatever it is.
July 7 - I'm late. I can't believe it-but-I'm late. Maybe it's just stress. I miss Kev. He calls every night, but it's not the same as having him here. Whoa! Did that sound whiny! I'm glad he didn't hear that! Jemma's trying so hard to walk. She's so cute! She pulls herself up and then can't decide whether she wants to let go. She kinda wobbles back and forth and usually ends up plopping back down on her little butt. I have to get some videos made to send to Kev.
July 22 - Well I finally bit the bullet and bought an at-home pregnancy test. I'm more than two weeks late and that's not stress. And I'm queasy too. But I can't figure out how it's possible. We haven't done it without protection. Perish the thought! The last time I even suggested the idea of maybe, eventually having another baby-he almost took my head off. The only thing I can think of-that might be the answer-is the night of our anniversary. We were both pretty blitzed. Did anything happen to the condom that night? I don't think so, but I don't know for sure. I just read back over this and I'm rambling. Waiting for the results of the test. I hate this.
Later. It's positive. But what is the percentage of false-positive results for these things? I can't remember. I can't say anything to Kev until I know for sure. And I don't want to think about what his reaction is going to be.
July 30 - Went to the doctor. It's confirmed. I feel so stupid. Caught like a damned teenager-Mom I'm pregnant-gee the condom broke! What the hell am I going to do?
Now things are starting to make sense, Rachel thought. G-d, that had to have been hard. All alone-facing two unacceptable alternatives. Not something any woman would want to deal with, but how much more so for someone like Kristin.
August 3 - Jemma's first birthday. And Kev couldn't be here. Damn tour. But I videotaped the whole day. At least he'll have that. Mamma Richardson flew in and between her and Mom, we made a pretty good day of it. And I got Jemma's first "Dada" on tape too! She was looking right at the camera and Mamma told her to wave to Daddy and she waved and I swear she said "Dada". There have been days when I didn't think she was ever going to talk. She's definitely going to be Daddy's Girl. That'll be fun to watch. He always thinks he's so in control of everything.
August 9 - Back to the doctor's. I went over everything from Jemma's pregnancy with him. He gave me the same story as the doctor in Lexington. It could happen again. Wanted to know if I'd talked to Kevin about aborting. G-d, I can't do that. And that's just what Kev will say if I tell him. I can't! I want this baby. So I told the doctor yes, we'd talked about it and wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy. He looked at me like I was crazy. But he did give me a prescription for something that's supposed to keep things in check. He wouldn't guarantee it would work, but I'm willing to try anything. He also suggested some holistic things that seem to have been helpful to some women. I can do this! And I want Kev to have his wish. A big family. I want to be able to give him that. It's going to be okay. It has to be.
"Oh, Kristin," Rachel sighed. "You lied to everyone. The doctor, Kevin, even yourself."
September 11 - Another checkup. I listened to the heartbeat! And this time the doctor seemed a little more optimistic. He still won't say that it's going to be okay, but he did say that everything looks good so far. No signs yet that I'm going to have a problem. Please G-d! I want this for Kev so much. Please just let me give him this baby!
September 23 - Kev's due back tomorrow. Deep breath. I've got everything all planned. Dinner by candlelight-and then I tell him. Oops! Jemma's crying. Later.
September 25 - Well, it didn't go as badly as I expected it would. Kev was upset at first, but I think I managed to convince him that everything was going to be all right. I mean, he's not 100% with it yet, but at least he's not mad at me. When he told me I looked like an igloo when I was carrying Jemma, I knew I had him.
There were more entries including one following the results of the genetic testing, which gave them the news that the baby was a boy. Rachel read on. Finally she found the entry she had been looking for-the one that she was afraid that she would find.
January 29, 2003 - Mommy's gone! And I didn't get to say good-bye! Kev wouldn't even let me go to Atlanta for the funeral. Well-not just Kev. The doctor said no too. When Dad called, to let me know that she'd had a stroke I guess I panicked. My blood pressure went way up, and the doctor said no way would he release me to travel all the way across country. Especially when I might not make it in time to see her. He threatened to put me in the hospital now if I didn't agree to stay put. Kev doesn't know about all of that though. I just told him that it was the normal final weeks' restrictions that all doctors insist on. I don't want him worrying.
The next two entries confirmed what Rachel had been afraid of.
February 4 - I miss her so much. You'd think that at age 31 I could be a little more accepting of the idea that no one-even a parent-is going to live forever. But I just wish she could have had a few more years. She didn't even really get a chance to spoil her only grandchildren. I've been trying so hard to keep it together. Sometimes it hurts so much that I even get short of breath. Kev's been so good to me. He's practically waiting on me hand and foot. I think that if I asked, he'd find a way to get me the moon. But the one thing that I want, he can't get for me. And I know it's upsetting him. So I've got to try harder. I've got to focus on my little boy-Kev's little boy. He'll never know his grandma, but he'll still have lots of love around him.
February 27 - I'm scared. I thought that Mom's death had just hit me really hard and that was why I wasn't feeling right. But over the past few days I've noticed things that are pointing to something else. Oh, please G-d! Don't let this happen again! I've been careful. I did what the doctor told me to do. I can't put Kev through this again! And what about my little boy? I can't have gotten this far just to lose everything! Don't tell me that I won't get to see him grow up. Oh, G-d! My Jemma! My baby girl. What have I done?
Rachel let the journal drop in her lap and closed her eyes. There were only a couple more entries, but she wasn't sure she could read them. Had Kevin read this? She didn't think so. He couldn't still be so angry with Kristin if he had. She rubbed her eyes and slowly picked up the journal again.
March 5 - Not much time left. I went for my check up yesterday. The doctor knows what's happening. He told me that they'll have all the emergency equipment in place for me as soon as I deliver. I could tell that he thinks he can pull this out. I didn't try to convince him otherwise. All I asked him to do was not to say anything to Kev until it can't be helped. It's enough that I have to deal with the anticipation of what's going to happen. Kev doesn't need that. All I can do now is pray for a healthy boy for him to love and teach.
March 7 - I had a long talk with G-d yesterday. I don't think He's angry with me. He knows that I wanted to make Kev happy. And if I made a mistake-it was because I love him. When I saw the doctor again today, he told me that he thought I was a little stronger. I don't know. I know I'm calmer. Things are just a little bit unreal right now. But I'm at peace with what I see coming. Kev, my love. I'm sorry. Please know I love you. Be happy.
Chapter 35
Coming Home
Hosted Stories