Chapter 19
December 18, 2006 (early morning)
Rachel moved the curtains aside and looked out the window for the
twentieth time. It was still dark outside and there was a light
snowfall. She let the curtain drop and turned back to the room. And
resumed her aimless pacing. She bent over to straighten some magazines
on the table next to the sofa, and made a sound of disgust. In the last twelve hours she had straightened everything fourteen times over. There wasn't anything left to straighten. She had done everything she could do.
When Kevin hadn't returned by nightfall, she had called first Tim and
then Jerry to ask if they had seen him. Negative. She fed Jemma and
Aaron and got them ready for bed, trying her best to put on a calm front for them. After they were in bed, she had called Tim and Jerry
again-asking that they start looking for him. They had both responded
immediately, and armed with cell phones so they could keep in touch with her and each other; they had headed out into the night to search. Now all she could do was wait.
* * *
Jerry rubbed the heel of his hand into his eye and turned the corner
carefully, scanning the curbside for Kevin's car. At three-thirty in the morning, he thought, you'd think it would be easy to spot that kind of muscle car. He couldn't believe how many midnight-blue Corvettes there were in Lexington. He had to have stopped at least fifteen times-going into the closest bar to search after finding yet another blue sports car on the street. He groaned. There was another one. As he pulled even with it, he checked the license plate-and braked abruptly. MDNITTRN. He shook his head. Only Kevin, he thought, could get away with something that cheesy. He looked around and spotted the bar.
The place was nearly empty and dimly lit. Jerry stepped into the room
and brushed the snow off his shoulders as he looked around. A quick scan of the length of the bar turned up nothing so he started toward the booths in the back. He almost missed him.
"Hey, Jer." The voice came softly from the depths of the booth to his
right. He turned and looked down. "Have a seat-you look like you could use a rest." Jerry slid into the booth and looked across the table at his brother. He seemed tired, but not drunk.
"Hey, man-what's up? You goin' home sometime soon?" Jerry asked softly.
"Who else is out looking for me?" Kevin countered, avoiding Jerry's
question.
"Just Tim-mind if I call him to let him know I found you?"
"Sure-okay," Kevin muttered. "No point in him wandering around in this
blizzard."
Jerry chuckled as he dialed. "It's hardly that, Kev. Or have Florida
and LA finally destroyed your appreciation of winter? You used to-Hey,
Tim!" Jerry spoke into the cell phone. "Yeah, I found him. He's okay.
No, no problem. I'll make sure he gets home okay. Yeah, I guess you
should-talk to you tomorrow."
"Guess he should-what?" Kevin asked quietly. "Call Rachel?"
"Don't you think she deserves to know that you're all right?" Jerry
answered levelly.
"She's just the housekeeper."
"You're entrusting your kids to her, Kev." He paused. "And she's the
one who called us and asked us to find you. It's not like she doesn't
care. She's trying to help. We all are."
"Did she tell you what happened, Jer?" Kevin was staring fixedly at the table. "Did she tell you that I accused my son of killing my wife?"
Jerry gasped before he could stop himself. "No, Kev! All she said was
that Ari and Jemma got into a fight and that you got really upset and
took off. What the hell do you mean you accused Ari-!"
Kevin looked up at him and Jerry swallowed hard. He'd never seen Kevin
look like that. His eyes were tortured and hopeless. Kevin laughed. It was a short, hard, bitter sound. "Now you're starting to understand." He shook his head. "I didn't accuse him to his face-even I have a little bit of restraint. But I said it to her-to Rachel. Not in so many words, but she understood. She stopped me mid-sentence to make sure I understood." He looked back down at the table again. Jerry couldn't find anything to say.
"You're always after me to be a better father," Kevin whispered. "What
kind of a father accuses a three-year-old of murdering his own mother?"
"Kev-," Jerry's voice was strangled with emotion.
"I'm not like you Jer," Kevin pushed on. "If you lost Ellen, you'd
grieve and then you'd pull yourself together for Maddie and the boys.
When I lost Kristin, I lost everything. Jemma and Aaron are mine, yes.
But they're reminders of what I've lost-what I can't ever have back
again. It's not that I don't love them-it's just that I haven't been
able to deal with the pain of seeing them everyday. That's why I've
stayed away," he whispered. When he looked up again, there were tears in Jerry's eyes.
"So, now I've stayed here because the doctor and everyone else seemed to think that maybe if I tried, I could get past these feelings and get on with my life. And I've tried. I really have. And I have to admit that it's a little better now. Jemma and I are doing better, and most of the time I can almost lose the fact that she looks more like Kristy every day." He stopped and toyed with the drink sitting in front of him. "But I cannot forget that if it hadn't been for Aaron, Jemma would still have a mother."
"But, Kevin-it's not his fault!"
"I know that, damn it! But it doesn't change the fact that every time I look at him I want to lash out at him. I want to hurt him like he's hurt me-and the effort not to is exhausting me. I'm afraid of what I'll do if I can't hold it in." He looked at Jerry intently. "He doesn't even remember her. He never knew her. I can't even look forward to a time when he's older and I can talk to him about her. She never existed for him. How do I find a connection with him, Jerry?" he whispered. "How?"
* * *
Rachel heard the cars pull into the driveway and breathed a sigh of
relief. When Tim had called her an hour ago to tell her that Jerry had
found Kevin, she had said a silent prayer of thanks, but until she heard the cars she was still anxious. After a minute or two, she heard Jerry's car pulling away, and then Kevin was fumbling with his key in the lock at the front door.
He let himself in quietly and locked the door again. He stopped
hesitantly in the hallway and looked into the living room. After a
moment, he walked in. Rachel stood up, searching his face with concern
in her eyes. "Kevin-?"
"I'm sorry, Rachel. I didn't mean to worry you. I just couldn't-I don't hate him! I just couldn't-." As the sob choked off his words, she held out her arms and he closed the distance between them. He buried his head on her shoulder and held on tight.
"Shh-it's all right," she whispered. "Let it out-it's okay." It took
him several minutes to reach a point of control, and Rachel simply let
him get there at his own pace. Finally, he pulled away and looked down
into her eyes.
"I've got to be a miserable son-of-a-bitch to work for," he said
brokenly.
She smiled gently up at him. "You do have your moments."
He sniffled and then chuckled. "Thank you." He leaned down and kissed
her cheek. "For everything."
"You're welcome," she said gently. "Go get some sleep-we can talk
tomorrow if you want to."
"I'd like that." His hand caressed her cheek as he stepped back and
after a moment of hesitation, he turned and headed toward the hallway.
Rachel watched him disappear up the stairs and slowly closed her eyes as her hand came up to her cheek. No, Rachel, no!
Chapter 20
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