Saturday March 26, 1988
9:05
The Grill. Since I dould sit and write before, I'll do it now. Here in the Back Corner booth out of everybody's way. And here they come again - now I'm cornered!
The storm clouds what I saw early this evening, they past over while I was eating here before. Now they are off to the East or Southeast, they have their own interanl lightning system. When they go off - or is it on - it's mostly like an "X-ray", white in the midst of black. Anyway I thought it worth mentioning, cause it's one of those outside things, and night things and storming things.
There's a few faces to watch tonigth, mostly young of course, some childless, maybe high schoolers - others with that macho, rough life look or young lady face -- college faces.
It's said a man's life shows in his face and eyes == it's true of course - those who've started life and those who havent. Of course it's all what I want to believe, I'm probably wrong, but the saying is true. [[Periced ears, with diamonds.]] {{Margin note: Maybe it's the one's who used drugs versus those who havent.}}
All this evening I've intended to write the Prayers, still I've not begun.
It's the cook. He's only, what, still in high school? This is his after school job. still he knows the grill. still it's like it use to be, so long, long ago when forty year olds had their own family business.
And this other kid, the one at the counter, he's been eyeing this other dude's girl since he came in. Hemsut like little women. Or is it the competition he's after, the challenge of winning another man's woman?
'The all different kinds of people', is it possible there's not anymore. I can read a person's cover and I see 'repeats' like the 'lennon hat' kid earlier. Maybe though it's just kids imatation of favorites. But waht about the dude with beard and bag on the bike this afternoon. Right out of radical protest sixtys. But then, that's what I was thinkig of at the time too. A "thought - happen - connection" thing?
Saturday March 26, 1988
10:00
Old Campus Bench. Started back tot he bad old motel room, but I saw this building with lights, and glass wall. Thought it to be the library but not quite right, it was the legal library. So I walk up to take a looksee and one thing lead to another and so here I sit and write. i hear police sirens off in the distance,a and there's the traffic in town too and they're students in the legal library working and one of the coeds made a walk around to check out 'who's sitting on the bench?' [me] and there's still lightning in the clouds to the East and it's cool night and I love it !!!
Prayers Feb 17 and 16 and Mar 26
Sunday March 27, 1988
9:40
University of Georgia, Campus. Journalism and Psycology Building, south side. Walked into town earilier this morning, lookin for Bennetts NewsStand to be open, it was not. Looking for the Grill to be open it was, but no one was there. So I rode to Shoney's, that's what Iusually do on road trips. So anyway, I'm back here and thought I should do a walk before checking out. I'll be back later too, just wanted to get a walk in first. There's still not a whole lof of activity on campus, just some dudes cleaning the building, and birds figthing.
Why this building? Cause it has a good view of the treetops and buildings and dorm hotels. Sit and enjoy the view.
Sunday March 27, 1988
11:30
The Creek Cave (tunnel). I found it!! I found it!! This is were the magic place is. I saw it at the other edn, but Ididnt expect it to be like this on this end. There is a creek, that's always been here, 'they' didnt move it either for their building. They built the football stadium over the creek. That's real neat! At the upper end, the water flows over onto manmade rock, but here, here it sounds natrual, it's the orginal rocks over which the water flows. At least for a ways, I'm sure it's flat most of the way beneath the football stadium. I think I heard them tell about the creek beneath the grid on television, national tv, but I had forgotten, so it's like a new discovery for me.
There's painting on the concrete walls, faces mostly, and there's the usual graffitii too. But you know what, none of it looks that old. Maybe Pink Floyd is the oldest mark, midseventys. When did they build the stadium? My mind would want there to be partys here, pot smoking partys. A little pool of water before it goes on down stream. There's trees farther across The Banks too, tweleve maybe fifteen feet above. Yes this is one of those magic mystical places I'm sure. I hear voices back kup the tunnel. Has this been a tunnel of love too! Maybe an escape tunnel too, to relieve the stress of studies and being young. Or is it past voices I hear, like I think I hear at Whitewater Falls? Maybe it's jsut the water talking to me, telling the secret things which it has seen and felt. [[ If the walls could talk. ]]
Sunday March 27, 1988
12:25
The Grill. The partying place. So ends this weekend trip into "wish it could have been land". Or is it out of "I'm tired of living land" eithe way, I'm leaving, I'm getting out of this place.
Just like out of a movie about the thirtys and fortys, a Greek owned and operated grill. "Ground beef man".
But jsut listen to all the talking of the customers, Chatting of Life, it's been like this for years hasnt it. Since when the place opened, no diff the number of owners, it's always been the Grill. They even have tray handliers skills, andy arguing skills. Maybe it's time to jsut sit and ponder and then get back outside, for insght into the indside of the campus.
---- --- --, ----
--:-- AnyTime, AnyDay, AnyPlace
There's a street kid, saw him sitting there, looking through a coupon book it seems. He disappeared in to that passage way, the one with a tree in the middle of the block - surrounded by building. Thought maybe he might be doing drugs or doing bathroom. Such is my imagination. But alas, he only went to get an icecream. How, should, ? I befriend him? Would it do any good?
Saturday Apr 2, 1988
12:15
Backside of Whiteside. I did to offer the kid some money, seven dollars. "Here man, can you use this?" "No, I'm doing ok." "Are you sure man?" "I dont need it." "Just trying to repay a debt." "What?" "Just trying to repay a debt man. I've been there before." "That's cool." "Take it, ok."
Cant even give my money away. I wondered why - did he suspect ther was more than money in the fold of bills? Was he part of a sting thing - to trap other people in the selling or soliciting sex? Maybe it's just my bad luck. It's all a plot to not let me be happy by helping some street kid. That's it!
Anyway, today it is damp and drizzling and foggy. I brought my pack and walking stick, even some old clothes. But it's just not very appealing to get out and get cold and get wet just to be up on top of this mountain. More infacutiation with the idea than the trouble and bother of being there while sitting here. I think it's better this way, anyway. There's a faint sense of something familar about sitting in a vehicle with the wind and rain outside. The vehicle has to be in an outdoors type parking area though. Like now, a national part area. The fog, it comes and goes. The major diff being 'inner' atomsphere of being among the clouds. Really though, the diff is only seing or not seeing the other end of the parking lot. Mostly, it's being here alone, there is no one else here, I'v got the place to myself. And it's the wondering if Robert has sat here before - or was this place here then? Probably not. But I'm sure he has sat somewhere in a vehicle with the rain outside before.
Robert wrote about a Jim Hendrix concert he and Pamer went to back in 1970. He wrote about the booklet of my writings. Bascially about the outdoors stuff, Fall Creek, Sliding Rock, and TK. He likes the thought of TK.
But why am I here? Just to avoid doing the typing and composing of the Prayers and other stuff. I dont like my house anymore either. Maybe I never have. It's mostly just been a place to sleep and store stuff. There's never been any happy times there with anyone I know - I would have wrote friends but I done have any friends, just acquaintances.
Martha invited me out last night, the single adult class went over to Kanpai of Tokyo, on east side of Greenville. It was a realy good time. I havent been out like that in so long or eating other foods in so long. It's and thought that I'm not realy one of them. No one asked what I did or like or anything. Mostly Martha and Jimmy talking school stuff.
It hasnet drizzled in a short while, maybe I can get out and walk around a bit.
1:05
It's the indecision - I want to walk up to the top - I want to sit around the parking lot. I want to do it all. There's a young couple here now, they're getting ready to walk up the trail. Maybe I should just let them have it all to themselves. Besides == it's not the seeing that counts, / it's the knowing. / sight is only one sixth of being / there's hearing, smelling, tasting, touchig, and knowing.
====My two best friends, Whitewater Falls and Whiteside Mtn. It if werent for the Falls, would have I survived these last seven years? How much better off could I have been, if I had met them twenty five years ago! The Falls has comforted me when depressed - offered me a place to escape to. Like the Tony who fell said "The Falls have been good to me! And the top, such a really nice place to learn perspective, to see how your place in the world fits.
Monday Apr 4, 1988
6:00 EST
BurgerKing, Bijou Area. Which movie? Which movie? Which movie? I hate decisions, I cant make decisions. Michael J Fox in "BrightLight in the City", or "Johnny Be Good", or which movie? I want to see them both. I want to se them in Easley. I dont know which movie to watch. One starts in two minutes and still I sit here. So I guess it's the second movie I watch tonight. So what diff would it have made any way? Nothing will make me happ. Except watching thse Greenvillians dress up like their favorite characters. I think he was from "St Elmo's Fire."
Sunday Apr 10, 1988
2:45 EST
SubStationII. And so ... I hate those words! Mom uses 'and' to string along a never endig talk and Dan uses 'so' to open a bad subject. 'Anyway' is my word though.
Anyway, here I am again, back in the same ole palce on the same ole afternoon writing the same ole stuff. The students are back this weekend. It's sunny, it's warm and they're out playing.
There were three up on top of Whiteside yesterday, toting their drinks and smiles. They sat at the overhang, called it suicide corner. They had names for a couple of places, like lootout point for the top and seems like there was another but I cant remember it. I made it a point to be near so that I could hear.
I was on my way down when I heard them coming up. So I sat and I wanited for them to past then I followed them back to the top. They talked about Spring break in Flordia, "a she who was a he", working a stand on the beach, partys.
[My mind is wondering - wanted to be somewhere else. I cant write about yesterday.]
There was this couple too. "they" all "ask waht lake is that?" So I told them and tell them where what is, and how it is during 'bad' days too. That's about it for yesterday. I did go to an out of the way place and stripped and laid in the sun on top of that mountain. I heard voices while doing that and it was the boys, they had moved down from the top. So I get dressed and headed for the top but as I past, they said "the best way down is fast, it conserves energy." So I trail them down to find that one was alone - the other two had gone on ahead. At the sign marking the trail, I pause to let the one get farther along. There's voices from the old side trail so I wait some more, it's the other two and I watch them walk past the sign and head toward the residential section. Meanwhile the one and I finish the walk back to the parking lot, I do, he stops and waits for his friends who are off the beaten path. I hand around, to hear him shout for the others. I was sure they would come walking down the road but no. I make a run or two outside the high class rich peoples' homes but they are not there. I have no idea how their adventure ends. But I think it a minor thing. Thought about walking back to keep the one company, but I never did, the shouting stops and he probably went back up the trail looking for his friends.
Out of all of yesterday, Still I have not, Written about my two best Friends.
Thursday July 16, 1998
10:30 About the next entry.
The Vietnam traveling Wall was in Cleveland Park in Greenville that week. Got an old Congressional Record out of my desk, put that, my journal notebook and other stuff in my pack, got my walking stick and drove over to that Park.
The Wall was set up near the river there, there was a tent set up too with people standing around to help and guide. I parked across the road and found a bank to sit on. I sat there for awhile and watched, and thought. Some lady notices me sitting there, point me out to some dude. He comes walking over, to see how I was doing. He asked something about what the wall meant, why I was there. I told him I was just waiting for the wall to talk to me. Told him I'd carried my own wall with me, had had it for twenty years. I get the old yellowed Congressional Record out and showed him all the names listed in it. He looked it over and handed it back. We talked a little while more, then he went back to the others.
Oh yeah, there's something else, found a letter in this book. I had sent a copy of "the Wall" to Dear Abby later that month and she wrote back.
Dear Jerry, You dont say whether or not you are a Vet..but your writings seem to indicate that you are. Your haunting request of the wall to speak to you..indicates to me..some unanswered questions within you regarding the war--and my answer would be, are there ever in any truths in War--can we really find the reasons why man battles century after century? Our valiant young men went to the other side of the world to fight a war for our nation...many returned scarred, and damaged, as they have returned from other wars. In all of our hearts we must retain a special place for out men who fight in wars...not so much as a refuge, but as a place of honor for trying to protect man's right to live in freedom and peace. I wish you well... God bless. Abby.
Wednesday Apr 13, 1988
6:15
the Wall
Wednesday Apr 20, 1988
SubStationII
SubStationII. I returned a book - the "Winning of Minds and Hearts" the poem book about Nam. I sat in the library and read some others, But they were books about books. So I sat below ground and read, Then I left and stood outside and felt that scholarly feeling. Young people learning and ahow young they look, I dont every remember feeling or looking that young. Was it cause the looming of Nam sapping up those youthfull vibs?
But anyway. Back to the scholarly feeling. I wonder if it being a weeknight has something to do with it? Like there might actually be people studing over there! when usually I here when they're playing. Maybe it cause I'm here for personal scholarly reasons? Perhaps, it's just cause.
And why do they still play frezbie and those old songs? They should be playing midlate seventies songs but they dont. Did it not mean anything to them? It's as if this whole area has been trapped in some sort of time span. Maybe it's cause my whole life has been trapped in a time span.
Saturday Apr 23, 1988
6:30
SubWay, Columbia. Devine and Blossom and Hardin, the Southeast intersection. It's raining - it's wet, but I came here anyway. I canlook out the windows and across the traffic and I see trees and building, Grey and Brown painted building, tall and short building and a tree line on the side of the hill. Did I write there's old and new buildings too? And somewhere in the trees, there's the railroad -- I saw a train go by while I ate my sub. Also while I ate, I watched this kid being chased by three others kids - chase and backtrack as the chasers trun back. He tossed insults as he antigonized his chasers. But ran when they pursued. There never was a fight though they cornered him in some store next door. So anyway that's the street show for dinner time - a real time - real life "cafe and then some."
The moods' just not happenig - the store's radio is tuned to the old music - it's hazing the new now time - I dont like it. But the place is right - I can imagine the campus throught the trees and between thebuilding. It's sort of clearing up bck in the West. Maybe I can get out on campus before the night is over anyway. That's part of the damper on my weekend - it's raining on my parade. But I shall persevere. If there were more people here it would help, it's lonely here and I need people near.
It lightned and thundered this afternoon, while I was walking on the sky walk. It flashed bright between the uptown and me. Then there was the second time when it was so near I heard the fence wire sizzle. I wsnt the only one up on the sky walk but it was dumb to be out there anyway. I read in Riply's corner of the comic page about the man who said, "here I am" then was struck dead by a lightning bolt from a clear sky. I said it too, knowing the storm was coming my way. But I ran when it arrived.
I can not decide if it's a collegeate presence or alumi presence or a state governmetn presence, or even an army or Nam Vet or some other presence.
There's this well established sit down resturant on one of the corners. When I drove by once before, there was the limo with "C1" SC plates, so maybe that's where the alumi meet to dine.
It's getting dark now, twilight time, the light are beginning to make the mood come out.
Oh yes! There's the house on Blossom Blvd, it's not a Frat house, I think it's not, but all afternoon and this evening too - there's this huge crowd on the porch. Is it their every Saturday afternoon, evening and night party?
About the resturant again, every now and then I see a group leaving or arriving?
Saturday Apr 23, 1988
8:10
McDs, across from the Old Campus. Through this window I see an old campus buliding and the open part of the Horse Shoe, most of the campus I walked around this evening. Parked up from Long Street Theater, walk up to this corner I see through the window, walked past Pickens St and down to Barnwell I think, then walk back down campus, along the North side down into the old residential an old neat district back along through mid campus gates and back up Sumpter. So I wlaked all around the "oldes" campus.
It was nice to get out and stroll along the streets. [short pause] I was going to sit and write, but I want to get back outside and experience the mood. I know there's a lot to write == the latest is about TAIZE and about my Best Friends and about their Friends who have and will suffer {unreadable} "progress". There's so much I've waited to write but have not made the time to write.
Let me just experience being here for now.
Saturday Apr 23, 1988
9:00
The Horse Shoe. Since, while visiting the University of Georgia campus, I sat on their old campus during late evening and wrote, I shall do the same here. There is one of the old building on the HorseShoe which has an unusal function; it's a dinning house. An elegant dinning house for distinquish alumi and visitors etal. I wond and ponder more and more about "this BrotherHood of College Graduates".
There was the girl, hanging around the residence hall just to my left. She started downt he walkway, I gues she tired of waiting. It was that hesitant do I go or do I stay type moves. So anyway - she left but he meet her before she made her get away. He was mad! Cussing and shouting. She stood him up, I think. And he was mad!
There are those train whistles again. It's night, it's damp, it's in the city, and still I hear those train whistles. Sound travels far on cool damp nights, I could hear the Southern make it's run between Liberty and Easley.
{{ Margin notes: Evening gowns, Black Tie and Black Jackets. There's a crowd outside the Dinning house now. I hear them talking and laughing. And now they shout and scream and howl and hollering. It sounds like a wedding dinner maybe. It's a celebration of some kind -- fusur. }}
Sunday Apr 24, 1988
10:30
The HorseShoe. It's the Faculity House, For members only.
Sunday Apr 24, 1988
12:00
### ====> Beneath the SkyWalk, on the rails, next to the creek, behind the atheletic center. It's shady, the wind is blowing, it's almost cool. How many other have walked the rails? Students, hobos, etal? As I walked I imagined the adventures awaiting (down)(up) the rails. Mines not much I'd never have the stomach for it. But for now, this two mile stroll around the Southeast side of Columbia will have to do. Is this the same rail bed that ws used many year ago? Is this just a spur to some coal yard? Was the other rail the main track around Columbia? Does it make any difference, enjoy the senses of being here and now.
Sunday Apr 24, 1988
1:00
The HorseShoe. (( It wasnt always like this, read somewhere that 'they' reshaped it during the seventies. It's mostly residence halls, mostly always been residence halls - not classes. )){{ Margin note: Since these are residence halls, the kids are on the lawn, mostly nude, sunning themselves. }}
Finish the rail walk, where the rails cross the creek again at some street. Got to hear and see a freight - far - far away. How do the rails run around Columbia?
After I go back on the streets, Main Street actually, saw the Pepsi Blimp Flying and hanging around. Ove the stadium it just hung there - not moving. Have I seen a blimp before?
It's time to go and Idont want to go. I want ot stay on the road all the time. [I dont watn to go back to home troubles].
Still I havent wrote about my two Best Friends, their Friends in trouble, the family troubles prayer, or that other thing I've forgotten about. Will I ever?
Wednesday Apr 27, 1988
8:00
Clemson University Campus. "For whom does the bells toll?" The Bell Tower is belling, belling a melody on the hour. But the bells are new, not old; but hey will be! For now though it'snot the same as Harvard or Yal or Princeton Bells.
I came here to put "Talk To Me Wall" in with the other Nam poems. I wonder how long will it survive?
I was planning to sit in the bottom southwest corner of the libray and write, but all the places were taken. Seems like most of the students like the bottom floor, but then most all the floors had most all the places occuppied by most all the students. Just another hang out I guess.
[[[ I hear the train whitles, again. ]]] It's cause I went here, that's why it'snot like USC at Columbia or UG at Athens!
I feel guilty about being here too. There's no place to sit without beeling out of place cause of all the kids. The HorseShoe in the city is like a city park and anyone can be there. But here, there's no park to park in.
8:30
On the Quad. Maybe it was cause I was too close to the classrooms. It's nice here - like being with old friends it is, cause I've sat here before and pondered before and there's student life and sounds here. Maybe that's it too, all I'll ever wanted was to expereience the student life. --- The wind is too cool, it's suppose to be warm Spring nights it is ---
Yes I think that's it, it feel good at USC cause it was Saturday - play day, and here, or the Quad, it's play time cause I burnt out on text books. ===> All I ever wanted to experience was student life! <===
Sunday May 1, 1988
7:30 PM
Whiteside Mtn, TOP. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JERRY !!! You're on your last thirty something, NOW !! There it is ! The pink Full Moon burning it's way through the haze. Sit and watch now ! It's an orange color now. It's bright orange and sharply defined. It's above the horizon and below the clouds. For a few moments it appeared suspended between me and that other mountain over there. Suspended over the valley between the two mountains. It's gone now, hidden by the clouds. But it was so nice for the few moments I watched it !!
It's twilight time now, no moon, no sun, just a pink orange horizon in the West.
This is what I did today, on my Last thirtysomething birtday. I went to the Barn at Table Rock State Park. It was a meeting about what Duke is doing to the Old Horsepasture. An activist meeting. That's what I want to be an activist.
Then I drove to Whitewater Falls, walked around to the top, sat a few minuts then drove up here, well drove and walked up here. There was two past middle age couples up here on top. Dringing their champaigne and eating their waffer cookies. One commented about my Cambridge Uni shirt - said hey were from Oxford. One of the ladies even had a British accent. Strange and spooky how things happen, aint it?
Anyway here comes the Moon again, think I'll just sit and watch and ponder about things. By the way - it's cool and breezing and I'm bundled up in my towels and things.
Monday May 2, 1988
7:45
BurgerKing Easley. Today at work, Glenn H said 'guess who's in town' Chuck, Dad and Mom's neighbors' son. I meet Chuck after I got out of the navy and came back here. We bummed around for a while, he Eric and I. Chuck's done lots of travel, not sicne he moved back to New York but before then. So we sat at the Feedroom and visited, Glenn and Jennie, Chuck and his step son Charlie and Eleanor. It was different, to see and visit Chuck, mostly about the usual - who and what and where and hwen - of the last twelve years. Might have been my imagination, but did Charlie take an interest in me?
8:20
Marli called me at work today, then later I found a package from her, she sent me a T shirt and a letter. She's so nice to me. I surely need to write to her more often. It's almost been a month I bet. She writes such nice things about me. I really dont deserve such.
Tuesday May 3, 1988
9:35
Coffe Street Mall, Pre Olympic Games, Street Walking and Listening and Thunder Storms.
Wednesday May 4, 1988
6:30
Pizza Inn, Pickens. It started to rain last night while I was sitting on the street mall. I didnt get to write much, not that I would have. But I did just want to sit and enjoy being there after the hint of Olympic Games, and the hint of street life. {Saw tow older men, one walking up the street, one sitting waiting for the night to pass. Maybe both were drunk.}
It was the afterglow of the games, the people milling about, girls getting their pictures taken with the Brazilian men, the autographing, the etal.. That was nice. The games themselves was fast and hard, knowing Glenn B was there, active Glenn B. It was the seeing of things which I could never be.
I should write Marli though, it's been three week or is it four. She'll be so upset with me for not writing. I'm so depressed that I dont have the "do it" in me. I want to escape from the things I have to do.
Saturday May 7, 1988
8:25
Carolina Creme. Kids in Black, Black T shirts with pictures up front and out back, Black hats, Black hair, an image they pretend to be. Is it being Brothers and Little Brothers. Complete with chains and keys. If they dress like that, does it mean they do drugs too? That's part of the image you know.
Now it's lovey, dovey, couple. Dude's hair longer than hers. Oh well, they didnt stay long. Must have decided on something else instead. Like a walk in the dark.
[[[ I cut grass by the road and back of house, I washed and waxed the truck, I bought a pack of cigs and smoked today too. I'm bored and tired and depressed and I wish it was all over now. ]]]
It's late Spring time. Almost warm this evening. Wonder where are the street kids? Farther North it's still cold, have they come out of hibernation up there yet? When do tthey do? How difficult is it to become accustomed to that life style? IS the old saying true, if you've never had it, you dont misss it ! If it's theo nly life you've know , can another styly be missed?
[[You know, there's this little kid, eleven or so, he saw a news show about the homeless and stree people. He talked his folks into taking food to them. he's done more for street kids thatn I have! ]]
Neon Lights == the only cities with neon lights are Tokyo and Hong Kong. There are others I guess, but some how they arent the same.
Monday May 9, 1988
8:50
Hilton Head, Holiday Inn, Poolside of Beachside. A bussiness trip at Rich Resort Island. It's strange! Really dont know what to think. Like being at the Beach but there's no city. It's rich people's houses and condos and golf places. Everythng is a Plantation. Golf Plantation and a one horse steeple chase (steeple jumpign) Plantation. There's no city streets, just residential street. And they are so curving and hiden, it's hard to decide if you'r coming or going. Like there's no street name sign. What an ordeal to try and find anything, at night.
It's night now and it's strange to walk the beach and not see Pavilon Lights or high rise hotels. Beaufort {{actually Savannah GA, Beautfort is north}} is off in the distance to the south and few lights around the Holdiay Inn, but that's all.
It's strange. My emotions must be dying. I feel nothing of "the beach" here! It's like I wondering what kind of life is it to live at a place like this? I was about to write, "where are the kids, the local kids" but one jsut rolled by on a bicycle followed by his friend. But are they local or one of the rich peoples kids? Long hair and torn jeans - play the part of local kids I feel. Playing the game of crashing the hotel's turf. Or is it a honeymooners place, there goes another couple downt he beach>
Oh well, time to go in Iguess. Got to get upand go to the seminar trainig thing.
Tuesday May 10, 1988
5:45 in the morning
Hilton Head, Holiday Inn, Beach Bar. Been awake since five I think, Didnt know if I was going to sleep last night. Shouldnt have drank coffee at late supper time. But anyway.
Hello. There's this dude sitting across the way. He had just got here, I saw him walk up the boardwalk from the beach. He saw me come back to sit and he saw me writing. "What's you doing?" So we sat and talked - more like he talked really low - do I sound like that? He knew the birds though. Talked to them he did - asked if the Raven's talked to me? Was he spaced out on coke or what? Is he a sign form God to me or what? He said he promsied to see the sunrise then he left to go back down the beach. He talked about being free - is anyone really free, being where you want to be. Then I turned around to look u pthe beach and turn around to see where he's and he's no longer to be seen.
It's strange here.
Tuesday May 10, 1988
9:00
Earl Of Sandwich Pub. It's strange here! Have I wrote that before ? Well, I'll write it again. It's strange her! Today I spent all day at the Merriot on Shipyard Plantations. Had breakfast at Denny's, a "served" lunch at Merrot, Chinese at China Garden, rode around the west end of the island, and walked around this Plaza Place across the circle from the hotel. So this is a "business" trip. AS long as Singer si paying, who cares.
Everything here is nice nice. Maybe it's cause I'm seeing what I want to see, rich people being rich. But I knwo hthere's working peoople here. Someone has to serve the rich people. It's contradicitons! Evething here is contraditions. But what do I knwo! Like this pub - how much of "Cheers" is in this place? And is everyone I see reallyrich? Iv'e been victimize by script writers scense. Visions of how all us "poor commmon folk" would like to live. Maybe my half joking commetn is mroe true than I would care it to be, "I should have study more how to be a gigilo in college."
Wednesday May 11, 1988
5:45
Beach Bar. So where's the kid from, yesterday? Or where's the boys from last night? Last night after I walk back from the Pub, I wlaked on to the beach. There were theset wo guys, stripped to thier shorts (or stripped of all) out playing in the water. IF only I could have such memories of things that I've done! But it's too late for me. I'm too old ot do such ting and I've never had the physique!
This morning it's clear. I can see the sun. It rained last night.
That's me - sitting, alone watching the sun, that's me oer there in that truck.
9:25
Poolside. Just a while ago, I was up at the public acces place, the only one, between HolidayInn and SeaCrest, the place where there's a marker marking the William Hilton story. I had just got there when this kid rode up on his bike, parked it and sat down. he "lives" here, "right here" he said pointing to the boardwalk. He's been here for four years. "On the streets" for a week. Connected with reconstruction people at the Marriot, early twenties, the young nomad life - free to do -- and doing -- what he likes. Why couldnt that life had happen tome!
It's the last night, have to get up, check out and otherwise, leave this place behind.
The kids said it's experiences, have to work two jobs, I think you have to be young -- look good -- to work with the hotel people. You know, the Club 54 handsome look just to get in.
So maybe I will just sit and cry now, cause it hurts to go have missed so much.
--:--
Some later time, stomeday, somedate, someyear, somewhere!
Talk to me Kid! Tell me stroies, Tell me tales of the things you've done. Have you been part of a crowd, like that crowd down yonder, next to the surf? A friendly crowd, a companion corwd? Whose house will you sleep in tonight? That girl's house, or do both of you sleep on the beach -- in some storage box - like you've done before?
Talk to me Kid! Tell me tales of the things you've done. NO! Tell me talke of things I wish I've done! Intro me to your friendly crowd. teach me how to be like you!
Where are you now Kid! I've come back to hear what you have to say. Are you off on some new adventure, a mini adventure, of the life you've live. You've had such a differetn Life -- maybe it's just greener grass. I thnk not -- it's the Life I wish I've had.
Tell me Kid, do you think I could live such a Life? Is it possible a "last thirty something" to live like a "first twenty something"? Can a 'nerd' live like a 'greek'?
Tell me Kid, is there any hope for me? Would you listen to an ex - would - be - hippie? Is that my only adventure left? Talk to me Kid. Do you piss on the beach, like others I've seen? .....
Thursday May 2, 1988
5:50
Public Access. "Go beat on the storage box, time to wake up Kid!" I did.
The sun is low on the horizon, early morning love. It reflects off the ocean surface. It rises and sets from one end of the beach to the other. The birds are out and near and noisy. The gulls, pelicans, and mocking birds and Ravens and other birds.
I dont want to leave. I want to stay and live free for free! I want to know what it's like to do odd job work. Maybe to live a gigilo's life! But one has to be young and handsome and in fine physique! I am not!
Sunday May 15, 1988
3:33
Clemson University. The new benches at the old corner. There's thunder off in the distance. if I'm going to write I had better do it quickly. Basically it's trying to find the right place to write the right things as an appropriate act to follow this past week. Like what do I do now?
It's like most of my previous happy holidays, I spend my time trying to figure out how to get back to were I was and stay on a perminant holiday adventure. Know what I mean? But instead, it's too easy to fall back into the old routine of slow vegetation. It's a dream I know, like all the other dreams I've dreamt, but people, some people, make thier dreams happen. You know.
Yes, how many dish washing jobs will it take to live at Hilton Head? How about barkeeping, bussing tables, gardening, whatever? Like I told Joe, "I should have spent more time learning how to be a gigilo, then I could have lived the past twenty years in on - kind - of adventure. Free room and board. For a few hours labor. Would that even have been labor for a twenty year old? For the next couple of months, my mind will be preoccuppied with fantasies of how to get to Hilton head! Another chapter in my Fantasy World of How Life Could Have Been!
Wednesday May 18, 1988
4:57
Heywood Mall, Central. I knew it would happen before I leeft the campus last Sunday. The "policia universitat" stopped me. "Area you a student?" Hell no, do I look young enough to be a student. I suppose I could have told them what I really thought, but I didnt, I was nice and polite and answered their questions. Just like I would have on the streets of Lenningrad or Moscow. That's what I really wanted to say. It's like the KGB hassles in Russia. Except there it's expected. You know, if there had been a lady with me, they would have never took notice. That means it's getting to be more hazzardous for us midaged single, loners. Remember how on the news reports, if something bad happens - and a singel man is involved, they make a point of saying "he's a loner", "he's a drifter". So form now on, it's going to be hazzardous to my freedom to be a loner. Oh yes, maybe that's why the loners end up out in the woods - hermits in the wilderness. That's my future. Either that, or a bum on the city streets.
Did you note the time? I played hooky fro work. Called Darlene and told her to tell Earl that "I guess I'm going to be sick today." So I sat at the round table till ninethirty, then wrote Marli the letter and wrote two prayers and did other stuff with the computer. Then I went up town to pay bills and then I drove up to Glassy and sat out on the rocks and stripped and laid in the sun, then I drove to this place.
There's a bird trapped within the Mall, I saw it picking at bits of food stuff in the dried out pool. It's still flying around up there though I cant see it. Maybe it could live in the trees here, Do you think so?
Another thing i saw, a real live white dude holding hand with a black girl. Is that a sign or what? Even twentyfive years later - such a sign is more, especially here and now. you know, racism is trying to make a come back - else the hard core dirhards are reviving themselves. So did they do it to make a statement, or are they in love and ont care, or ! It's too much to hope for, they're oblivious to the color of their skin? {long pause}
There's one more thing to note, the high school kids are here this afternoon. They have job applications in hand, a summer job at the mall.
{{Margin notes: Before I leave this place, I should make note that the reason for being here, is to thinkg, Greenvillians go to Hilton Head.}}
the bird still Flys, in circles it Flys / It's hurting for it's Freedom. / It will Fly till it tires, / For it's Freedom it dies. / If it had a mate, / would it try as hard to escape? / Or with another of it's kind / the Loneliness Flys away.
No matter where I have been, or what I have seen, all that I have watched for are the young beautiful people. It's so sad to know that I've never been a beautiful person.
Friday May 20, 1988
6:45
Pizza Inn. I'm lost tonight, not sure what I really want to do. Me thinks on nights like tonight, I should get my pizza and cheap wine and go home and watch rerun tv. It is depression symptoms you know. Still I havent gone to the pscy repair place either. Will I wait till it's too late to fix it?
It is so much easier if I go - just go - anywhere - just to not be home alone - eating - I'll gain weight again - if only I could go away and never have to come back - I feel like my life is still slipping away - with each weak mometn - I hesitate to leave - I want so bad to run away from home - make what's left of my life - one neverending adventure. Pleas God! Please Let It Be!
Saturday May 21, 1988
12:20
Coffee Street Mall. What am I doing here? No reason at all, except to runa way from the house. Thought I would try the city scene for a change - I thought, I guess, the woodsy places were too much work. There's another reason too, I thought I would sit and write the prays or the poems but it dont feel like that will happen either. Not only am I runnning away from home -- but also my projects too.
1:15
Heywood Mall, Central. It's crowded today, more so than the Main Street crowd, croded density - people per sq decafoot. I'm not sure what other difference there are - Mall people versus Main Street People - But what ever diff there is - it really dont include me. Just the walk to this Central place made me feel like I dont belong here. I've wrote abotu it before - being alone ina crowd makes me fell like I'd be better off being alone on top of Whitewater or Whaiteside. But it's after I get here and get sat down that I feel a wee beit better. AS long as I dont have to walk around and look nerdy I may be all right.
The Bird is still here. He makes dives for the floor ever now and then but about halfway down he'll looop back out and up. I think mabye, he's trying for a scrap of food near me, so I already knew, so I was hestitate over whether tomake a mover or not. ((What will the people think if they see me?)) I did push the hip over into the dried up pool. Later, after Is tarted to write about thim, he flew down to try fro it. He didnt want it and picked up a bread crumb instead. Does he still hurt to be free, will he become accustomed to this place? And what is that lady doing, sitting there like she's writing too, is that a bit of body language which says come heither and talk with me -- I'm interested? Not with my type of luck. She's married of course, why didnt I look for the ring before. But now who's this boy kid who choose to sit beside me with his paper and bread and icy drink? Are they intruding upon my space, or I theirs? That's nice, this little black baby picked up the boy kids cookies, "Give the man back his cookie." "You can have it now. I tell you what we'll do." He tears off what's he not bite and gives the rest to the little black baby. "That's nice - whites and blacks getting along. Like it should have been fifty year ago. Maybe it's just getting crowde dmore or am I less objectionable when I appear to have a purpose in sittig and watching by writing in my book? Is that all there was to it? Should have had a journal twenty plus years ago. Would there had been a major diff in my life it Ihad jsut wrote in a book? And whay the little kids what sign is there in the little kids being near.
Monday May 23, 1988
7:30
Carolina Creme. While in the movie theater, watching "Casual Sex", it rained. They're still thunder heads around, the pavements is still wet,it's twilight time on a pre summer eve [[In the movie, they quoted a quote, "You sleep with them once, you've slept with everyone they've slept with and with everyone those too have slept with." It's been said by others, who were speaking of aides, but dont you know -- it has always been true!]] And is that not jsut another aspect of the mysticism of sex?
Friday May 27, 1988
3:10
Heywood Mall Centre. "Doing Time" "Making Time" "Putting in the Time" Waiting, that's what it is, waiting. Getting new glasses from lens crafters. Thats what I'm doing, one hundred fiftysix dollars worth and I wonder if they're worth it?
They have trimmed the trees, cut them back, thinned them out, I liked them better the old way. More out odoorsy, more sahde, having it made inthe shade. Oh yes, there's water in the pool again, Did they do that when the did the trees?
The Black Bird is not seen, yet. Did they catch him and set him free? The little bird is still here I saw him a bit ago. [I cant hide so good with out the tree limbs] [pause] The hunger feelings is starting to set in. I did without lunch today,so that I oculd be hungry tonight. Tonight? What should I do tonight, while here in 'the city'. A movie? Main Street? The Malls? or should I just go back home and start the long weekend? [Pause] If I get my glasses, will I leave? Is there any other reason for starying? It will be easy - so easy - just to go gethem, leave, and go backhome to start the long weekend, the long lonesome weekend. I dont want to do that!
Saturday May 28, 1988
1:55
Whitside Mtn; East End, in the Flats. Ws on my way back down and thought that I should write before I left this place. It was my birthday when I was last here, a month has gone by. I came up the easy wasy and will continue back down the easy way too, so this visit I willnot see the West end.
There was a church group come by while I was on top. Young people and their chaphorones. I was standing by the fence, giving them the room at the top, when two of the boys came near to talk about the girls, something about like "What does she say about me?" type thing. There were four or five occassions on which to talk and took one couples picture too.
Last night, while in Greenville, I wnet to seee "Willow" a fantasy movie by Lucas and Howard. It was nice, but the evening ended by being lonely, there were so manykids on dates last night at the movies. Tht'ats what left the lonely feeling. == Left home that morning and didnt get back till late evening, that was a difference too.
It's cool here in the shade, almost makes it inviting to stay a while longer. Maybe I should visit here more often this Summer; here in the hot days, there in the cool days. See if more people come by this way; maybe that's it, walk by but not stop to talk.
Saturday May 28, 1988
3:55
Whitewater Falls. Topside. I dont care if it's late, Im going to stop and be here. Pause and reflect on where and when I've been. Particularly Hilton Head. How am I to arrange to get there for an extended visit? It has been a while, but I rememberd the scene from one of the "Star Wars" movies, the scene were a rebel solider stood overlooking a mountain valley on some far away planet. That's what I think of, occassionally when I visit here.
What kind of prose can I write about this place, prose worthy of it's beauty and serenity and friendship. If not for Whitewater Falls, where and how and what condition whould I be in?
Monday May 30, 1988
3:20
Whitewater Falls. The original topside. I wrote a bit to Marli, on a post card and a "thought of you" card. Now I just sit and feel the nothing feeling. I brought nothing to drink or eat and that's what I am missing now, nothing to "put in the time" with. It's just a matter of sitting and watcing and waiting tillit's time to move on to the next place.
Monday May 30, 1988
7:00
Whiteside Mtn. Topside. I am here! Jsut being, here, drinking beer and eating cheese crackers. But this is just a note to let me know I am 'being' here. With thoughts of God's creation. That young punk snide comments of Big Bang and of trip place and beaches and mountains. [Did you know that one can not exist without the other? beach and mountain that is]] I want to jsut "Be" here and now, So I wont write anymore. ((Long Pause)).
Have I known of "Power Places"? Yes, I know a few. A place where an jet palne can be seen, with jet contour trials, Disappearing into the West. Yes, I knnow a fe Power Places.
Hello Moon! There're people down on the Beach, watching you. But they dont know that there's one like me, here, thinking about them.
Later
I know, it's not the points of light, but the wine that strings that at times, them together. [God I'm drunk] [I cant remember the lines] It's not the seeing, but the knowing, like from that SciFic long ago. To see points of light but to know, there's men, women and children out there among the hills and valleys and dells. It's not the signs but the knowing that counts.
I will have to try and strip and run nude through the wilderness. I've just got to do it!
Saturday Jun 4, 1988
7:00
Clemson Bench. But I've been to Whitewater Falls this afternoon too. At the Falsl, I laid down and covered up with my towel and blue cover. When I sat up later there ws this lady sleeping too, covered by a towel. She laid there on the Flat Rocks across the waters. I watched for a long time but she didnt move. I laid back down too. A couple of couples and groups came around, there was this one youn couple who ws sitting where people usually sit on the main side. I sat up and turned to see them - they waved and I waved back. But before all this ther was this couple across gorge, on thelower rocks, kissing and otherwise making out. That was what I watched before I laid down to dream and to imagine things, such as that, happening to me. [[There was one other thought, remember the dude who pissed and otherwise tried to get my attention, I thoght of him and how I wish it would happen again. ]]
So anyway - she showed up. Later about fivethirty she starts back across the river and I helped her and then we talked a while - small talk - she was from Atlanta and ahad been through Dalton - Highlands and Cashiers. She had read about it some how, Whitewater Falls that is. Told her about Whiteside and how "they" had been my best friends for seven years. But she had to get back to Atlanta -- And I let her go without getting a phone number. Before she left, she told me her name. Kathy M. Will I meet her again some how? Should I go look for her? or What? How many other Kathy Ms have I missed, cause I left too soon?
The reason I came to Clemson - they are having a part of their Centennial Celeberation. There is a crowd on the Tillman Grounds, Groups here and there. This is the other end of the world for me, a place where there's lots of people but no one talks to me or takes an interest, while a Whitewater or Whiteside, every now and then some one will.
Wednesday Jun 8, 1988
7:00
Carolina Creme.