Tuesday Apr 8, 1986
7:00 PM
Yesterday Jack announced the changes. JJ politiced his way ihnto VP Engineering, Carl said to hell with that and move to marketing. I guess tomorrow I get told, "I will manage you!" It looks like the end of the Singer road for me. I wont be able to play the "uneducated" flunky for them anymore. I feel like I've been used and abused. Fanis used my work to get recognization, so did Dave and JJ and Car and everybody else down there.
Friday Apr 11, 1986
8:15 PM
Courthouse steps. Was that a pickup just then, or was he waiting for a ride? The Masons must be having a meeting tonight, they certainly are a lot of cars parked on Main Streed. It's a cool Spring night, dont have much to say, except talk about the weather and traffic, Loads of traffic, what's going on tonight?
What's it like being single, living alone, no real friends? About twice and thrice as bas as Falling out of love. Why's that? The memories of togetherness nurses memories of loneliness.
Saturday Apr 12, 1986
9:00 PM
CourtHouse Steps. It will be a quiet time on Main Street tonight. Everyone wore the good times out last night. Just came from 123 Easley, watching life drive by. Watching the handsome yourth gather and ride. And listenig to solid gold Saturday Night. Well I wrote the cruise rebuttal poem on other paper.
Sunday Apr 13, 1986
6:45 PM
Been here since before six, Clemson bench. Trying to do something diff by singing but cant seem to get all the way into it. Prying eyes again. So maybe I'll just sit and watch the sunset; It's just over the south end of Geoffery now. You know I had a nother thought since Thursday night not work out at work anymore, maybe I could get in at Clemson now == What happen, did they lose their ring frizbie to a tree == A new term 'Charlie Brown their frizbie'. == What's happened at work? ... and ... are in control now. And I dont think I can handle their pushing around. When things are going half right, upper managment politics screws that half up again. Ten year seniority down the drain.
Saturday Apr 19, 1986
9:15 PM
Court House Steps. What diff does it make that I was up at Whitewater this afternoon. Late, and feelings good. There's no better place to be alone than out in the woods with nature. But what diff does it make -- when you have to come back home and get pointiountly reminded taht there's no escape from family troubles. I have no thoughts of my own anymore, cause and effect, action - reaction is down to a couple of minutes. And it all makes me feel so bad. I've just plain given up trying to understand Why God lets me get so abused. Why does He let anyone be abused? Thoughs of killing myself have returned. That would put an end to it all, except for spending eternityu in hell for the unforgiveable sin. What's twenty five years of this present hell compared to eternity anyway?
===They were three boys at McDs who looked at me like they know something or suspected soemthing. === Last night at the Clemson Players, I saw me again. He was so homely and wearing raggeded jeans, trying to be one of the 'Beautiful People'. You know thats my very basic fundamental problem. I see all these young beautiful people and I know I never had a chance, not back in high school, college or anytimes, I never had a chance and he doesnt either.
Randy left on his adventure to Equador, SA. His passport arrived in Friday's afternoon mail. Minor mircles still jhappen.
What happened to the bearded man in the grey jeep?
Sunday Apr 20, 1986
6:45 PM
Friday Apr 25, 1986
11:15 PM
CourtHouse Steps. Jsut watched 'GungHo,' the Jap-Amer car factory. The man in the movie is right. Americans dont wont to hear the truth. They had rather live in their fantasy world of Amer's number one. The Japs put out 15,000 care a month, maybe we american's had better settle for second or third best. Stupid, lazy, deft dumb and blind americans. === The Easley Kids have it made, they have a corner of a parking lot all for themselve, to gather and have their communion with youthful celebration of Life. === The Greenville Kids are getting it stuck to them again, if they are tagged three times in two hours, they get nailed for cruising. === Well it's eleven thirty past, can I go home now?
Saturday Apr 26, 1986
5:45 PM
Boy was I wrong about the date last night. Could it mean someting is to happen at 11:15 tonight. Maybe I should hang out late tonight. By the way I am at WWFalls, jsut got back from picking up after my kids. Finally one of them ask if I had an extra bag, was he just being nice or did he really mean it? Was he bing cynical or did he just want ot next are? Talked with a couple of young twenties too, just a little. Why am I writing like it makes a diff, none of those people care about me or take note of what I do. When you are a loner, there's only one thing to do, be alone out in the wilderness, communion with God's creation. To be alone in a crowd is to be truely a loner. == What I thought was Glassy wasnt Glassy, Glassy is counter clockwise by ten degrees or so. When you stand at the fence and look straight ahead, and not down the vally, you can see it just over the next nearest ridge. ===They are people up on the high point some of them is the view from there so much better? Do I really want to check it out?
7:45 PM
Pizza Inn - Place an order for a thirty minute pizza. Msut have got here at the wrong time, else everyone is eating late tonight. Stopped by Pantry to get a beer and saw Dale, Eddie's smoking buddy there. We jsut waved. ==No I didnt check out high point. I got anchious to move along. I did see a coupld of deer on the way down the mountain and some lightening too off in the distance, it capped off the afternoon really good - gave me a good feeling, escpecially when they played Three Dog Night, was it Family of Man, anyway I got into that old time Rock and Roll and nature at Whitewater Falls. === Twenty three more minutes to go. Maybe about halfway I'll move inside to wait.
9:50 PM
Courthouse steps. There's only four hours left till they start that funny time. No more eastern standard till October. This time tomorrow will be an hour early probablly still a lisp of dusk in the west. By the way, the pizza thing with more beer didnt workout, ate so much I started to feel miserable. Watched some tv till myu stomach eased up then drove up here to watch the cars go by and feel sorry for myself.
Sunday Apr 27, 1986
6:00 PM (funny time) 5 PM
Another sunny Sunday afternoon, watching Sunday afternoon traffic, travelling Main Street drag. Sitting on courthouse steps watching life ride by. This morning, after eating my Sunday morning sausage biscuits, as I was going back home, I saw a man & woman making a randaivous, he was pulling a small boat and I guess they went to the lake. I thought that was neat enought, but guess what, I just saw them get back, she go out and they parted company, he went on down Liberty Hwy and she to her car. I wonder what the deal is that they have to meet on Main Street Pickens? Should it be any of my business? == I wonder if there is a connection between bright sunlight and deteriating brain cells? It's like being on the beach with all that light bouncing around. By the way, I think those kids I swa this morning were headed taht way. They were dressed for it. God I hope it's not the darkenss darking within me that is so sensity to th light. Maybe it is just a lack of conditioning, being in an artifical environment all day and only catching glimses of real light. I wonder if the '60 mustang is ten years after the '57 belair? They seem to be the popular classic these days. I wonder if the cruiser will stay with the setting sun, or witll they come out to play in this funny daylight time? ==Long Pause== wrote a poem of being where you're not. It's getting late, my butt is tired of these bricks and the cruiser are out before dusk. I reallyshould be move out oand let them have thier Main Street.
Friday May 2, 1986
8:25 EST PM
The End of the First day of my thirty-eight year. Courthouse steps. Cooling down after a hot Spring day. It's bee a right interesting week. Randy's back from Equador, had my birthday, spent $65 on a charge system for the jeep (all it needed was water), sent my "Go Away Kid" poem to WYFF & Yarnspinner, and ove in Bell Tower the Greenville cruisers are holding a meeting to try to clean up their acit, WYFF had a spot on 'where will the kids go' since cruising is out, and a spot on 'the alternatives'. Wonder if my poem really made them stop and think? Wonder if Ill get any recognization? Wonder if I should? Wonder what (he'll ignore it) the yarnspinner will do? {{Pause}} Do those kids over at Bell Tower recognize the force controlling thier actions. What makes them think they can clean up their act now? They've already been thrown out of the house. And who is it at WYFF who's using my work withou referencing it? Plagrism is the best form of compliment for a writer.} Are they're more crusies out these night? Warming Spring weather? Did any of them see the news spots.
Saturday May 3, 1986
9:00 EST PM
Courthouse steps. It's really been a really bad day. Bought a battery today because I ever filled the old one. Driving back from Easley parking the charger cant keep up with everything, broke a sotrm window trying to get it down, cant stay high enough. I was telling, everything I saw or thought of "I HATE IT.' It seems like all I've had for weeks and years is bad luck, bad deals, bad feelings. Why dont I jsut do the ultimate sin and "die, so it wont hurt anymore." Maybe with me out of the way my 'friends?' wont get hurt because of presence any more either. My last favor. {{A Bob Jones bus load of students jsut drove through from Rosman direction, wonder where they've been?}} Maybe I should put up the fake Christain Front, jsut so I can hang out with someone. The loneliness is breaking me.
Sunday May 4, 1986
4:45 EST PM
Not that I really like sitting here on courthouse steps anymore, nor do I really have anything to write. It's jsut another cow habit, following the same path week after week. And I've felt so depressed, down, and loely and hopeless that I'm jsut trying to hodlonto some sense of security in familar places. Maybe deep down in the recesses of my mind I still hope to find some companionship, a passerby who will stop and talk maybe someone will simply wave. == I dont feel as bad and ugly as I did Friday and Saturday. A hundred and ten dollar charging system in the jeep, just because I didnt add water.== Maybe it's because I've told myself that I'll be a hermit and not see anyone or talk with anyone anymore. Yes, just got ot work and back home again, maybe not eveen eat out anymroe. And then after I save some money just quit work and slowly die a lonely death. an islolate lonely death.No one will ever notice. No one will ever care. I'm being driven to that end anyway. These mood swings are becoming mroe frequent, the peaks higher, It's starting to feel like an oscilator, modulated AM, alternating mood swings. Waht's it going to be like when I get into the gigahertz range with megvolt peaks?
HOW DO I KNOW WHAT TO DO, IF I DONT GET FEEDBACK TO LET ME KNOW WHAT TO DO?
I've aske that question many times before -- even written it down somewhere. No feedback, jsut anothe term for being lonely. That's all it is. ==No thank you from wyff, no get laost form yarnspinner, ignored - invisible treatment, thats the kind of feedback I have to work with. Guessing at asigns and hints, wisps of smoke. T-H-C.==I donet even know if im a transmitter or receiver or uncontrolled bot. never answered that question either did I== Tony nor Glenn nor anyone at work ever invite me to a party == is it getting close to church time? can i go home now?
Tuesday May 6, 1986
8:05 EST PM
Tuseday night and what am I doing hereon Courthouse steps one thing for sure, I wen dow to CU library, to get some books for work, had my picture made for a libray card. It was sort of like real ocntatct witht he old college. The semester over, another shcool year gone by, Last week was exams and I wonder if that had anythig to do with me feeling bad Saturday? You kinwo, like some of those kids who really saw me hanging out when leaving to go back home. Sort of Friends who I never knew and wont see till Fall agian. And then there was the new fangled contraction for liberary searches. Computerized page turners. Might as well say I liked it, the walkover to the PA building (down to the Computer Room, to have my picture made. There was just a hint of being in school again, or was it jsut wishfull thinking of being young again. There is one improtatn thing. That university mystic mood is almost gone, no more wondermetn of the knowledge contained in the library. Maybe it is learning "jsut becasue it's in a book, dont make it right", Or maybe, it jsut becasue Ihad real reason to be there, instead of jsut loafering. And I liked drinking beer after I got back too!
Saturday May 10, 1986
3:00 EST PM
Whitewater Falls, parking. Today PM Magazine was doing some camera work here. They were with Greenville NC rescue squad. I think they were jsut finishing when I got over to the falls. They msut have been here early morning hours, at least after they saw me and I saw them, they went up to their truck and left. yes, the squad had a truck over at the falls. The afternoon turned out half right for a change, a touch of the '83 - '84 Falls (the one with all the college kids), communion with God and His creation, a closeness with history, even some arem waving across the gorage. It was a really good feeling while it lasted. Hauled out two bags of trash, the kids must have had their end of school partys these last two weekends. ===What will i do? I dont want to go back. I think everybody in Pickens hates me, makes fun of me, ignores me. I think they are all witches, they know what I think and do, they control my life making it miserable. I want so much to be free from family ties,. My situation is all their fauld anyway. I should have had my own family be now with kids in college and fooling around these places.===
Sunday May 11, 1986
5:00 EST PM
Clemson Quad. Like I said, the kids slipped out on me two weeks ago. So it's safe to show my face deep in the heart of their turf. It's my for the Summer now, to wander and wonder as the mood moves. 'They' have brooms in all the windows, to keep intruders out not doubt. Or is it to keep dorm secrets in? Did anyone sit where I sat and ponder about moods and futures? Did they make out? What abot this class of '86, two years after Orwells class? It scares me that there's no distinquishing characteristics, nothing unigue to mark this class from any other. They've had no crisis to modl their entry into the real world. It's been so long sice anything real has shook college campus. They are goin into the world without knowing the senselessness of war, the ideals to strive for, it's all business for them. They're just another perfect cog to fit into the machine. There's no contact with their 'partying side'. Maybe its just no contact at all. They're not here, they're where you're not . Will they accept what thy've been told? Have thye've been taught to solve problems? Myabe it's the elmentary kids who are in dee trouble. This child safe campaign with all the finger printing and records and all. "So the 'party' can always find you.'
6:10 EST PM
Clemson bench. There s still magic in the sound of a distant train whistle. Especially when you know it is traveling over a bridge over a lak and a coule other places youknow about. And there's still magic in the throw of a fresbie, especiall among friends on a cool Sunday evening.
Wednesday May 14, 1986
5:35 EST PM
McDs. Left transit & crusiig at McDs.
Friday May 16, 1986
8:40 EST PM
Courthouse steps. Gave my travelings book to John, he leaves tomorrow for Germany, Austra, Italian Alps. He wasnt to thrilled about taking it. I dont think he will put much effort into getting it stamped, IF he really takes it with him. They always find some reason to back out. If Elenor had not been there he would have. Sus is their attitude toward me. Like the man said last night -- we're nerds. we're not part of the beatiful people, outcasts.
Car insurance went up fifty dollars per six months. What a ripoff. Definitely got to find some cheaper company.
What a way to start vacating; alone, losing moeny, no friends, job's falling aprat, cant get nothing going, no recognizaitonfor my words, hate to pay people to like them, etc,etc, etc === Friday night cruisers seem to be lively tonight === Isnt it strange the way my mood changes when there's someone else hangin out. It's like he's watching me, waitng for me to make a move. And I feel so guilty, like what if he htinks I'm the watcher or something. === of course I'm wrong again, or was it? It's impossible to tell. The black dude walked by in fron of courthouse on the side walkd, the white dude rode by on his bike and said, "what's happening man?" the black dude "heard" an insult and retorted accordingly. This goes on as they continue on their ways. Then the black dud walks right by in front of me.== Was it all a setup? Me thinks it should be taken at face vale. Why is it so easy and quick to think the bad is hapenig. The white dude was only tring to be friendly and now he will go tell his friends what happened and then they'll be that many more bad feelings between them. The circle goes on forever, every larger it grows.
It's 9:50 EST, time to go home.
Saturday May 17, 1986
3:00 EST PM
Whitewater Falls, East side under the other overhang. It is really nice over here, there's not so much concern over strangers poping in, it's more, only slightly more, remote. It really feels good to be over here. When I get throught writing I will smoke a little. Jsut enought to know i've smoke here too. That all. It's cloudy and drizzling. That help keeps the other away too. so far there's oly been a group of three boys and two girls over here to the top. And there' not that many peole over at the overlook either, cloudy day really thin things out. I do wish 'one' youn man or woman would visit with me. Think of all the teenages and young adults who have camped here, or spent the day here. Celebrating life.
6:30 EST PM
Mazzios Clemson. There's this Easst side view of the Falls. It's from the narrow ledge, you know where, water free falling iinto the pools, as seen throught the bush. It's just like a movie shot of some amason or AFtrican falls. Of course theres a reason why it's this year whent I re-discover these palces. It's been dry and it's easy to cross over ot the other side now. I guess that means they'll be more groups over there too this year. === Those kids who left jsut now - they looked like sixteen or fifteen, at least one was, he had a license. Dressed in the broad pritns. the freshest craze so for this year. === Whe was Clemson first year? 1895 - 1896? What ever it's going to be a hundred years in ten years or so. The pictures here sya at least 1897. I wonder if they will make a rope with the names of have they used my picture this year.
This Breakfast Club thing - over in Greenville - it's really good to see that teens do that. The movie was good too. My wonder is -- do they really spill thier guts out like they did in the movie? What is thier religion? Is it contemporery, ? traditional, fundametal, liberal, conservative? Is the only thing whihc is improtatn ist hat the meetings really mean something to them? Yes, I believe thats it. What does it matter to me anyway - I'm the one with the screwed up mind what wants to belliever ever couple is making it, doing all the things I never did when I was their age!
7:45 EST PM
Quad. Seveteen years, seventeen graduation classes, seventeen freshman classes, four poitn two-five generations, thousands of kids, thousands of night, thousands of memories. Why msut I want to know? to see that my imagination is wrong or right!
Sunday May 18, 1986
4:35 EST PM
Maybe one of these Sunday afternoons, I'll quit coming up to sit on Courthouse steps. I thought it was going to be like that two or three weeks ago, too many thoughts of prying eyes checking out when the wierd one might be. But I guess there always to be one more time or something like that. === Who are these people selling and buying dogs on Main Street, orn Sunday? And where are the dark skin young ladies from , Jamica? India? Why must I alwyas 'sense' the bad - first thoughts were of voodoo and witches, it is jsut a friendly exchange. Or are they here to check out the wierdo. They've heard about? Maybe they're here jsut to spoil my Sunday afternoon. === They're gone. ==
I'm getting back in to the mood of sellingout and moving out. I thnk that as soon as I can find some neat clean way to disposs of myu possession, Ill do it. Just erase every trace of my existance and fade away -- just like the topedo smoke.
Did I say anything bout it being cloudy today? Have I wrote anything aobout which notebook I'm to use when this one is full? ==pause== I can feel the prelude rain drops, but I cant smell the rain yet. I see the clouds coming, but jsut how long to get here i dont know. The rain is here, so I'll have to go now.
Tuesday May 20, 1986
12:15 EST PM
Clemson Bench. While I was here getting a small pack, thught I would stop and write. The summer kids are back, buying their books and things. The employees are here too. I guess what is is, is that I've sldom seen so much activity, or been so close to it before. You know that's really confusing; there's a hink of Fall school time in it. I've never done school during the Summer. It feels too much like work today, no one out frizging or jogging or strolling. The only good thing is that the bench is in the shadow this time of the day. Looks like some kid scratched another car while unparking his. Remember when I left one behind at TriCounty in seventy five. He did better than me - he waited around. Im thinking too much about getting another job, and not going to school, and not being young again and other things to enjoy being here. Still trying to be where you're not.
Wednesday May 21, 1986
5:37 EST PM
McDs. No sign of the poems I left last week. had a five hour campfire this afternoon. Have to hurry and eat if Im to make the seven o'clock show. I left the fire unwet, hope nothing spreads
Saturday May 24, 1986
6:20 EST PM
McDs. It feels good, having been down in Whitewater gorge, twice, Thursday and today. It's a thousand steps coming up the trail, and thirty minutes.
Monday May 26, 1986
12:15 EST PM
Warpath. There's been some good things to write about, and better places and times to write. But as fate will have it, Im feeling down while waiting for Randy to get back from his dirtbike ride. I know we wont go to Whitewater, and I'll have wasted yet another day of my life, so why should this day be any diff? There's not many boatrailor here and only two other guys. Maybe this is not a gathering place anymore. I wonder where it is now?
Yes, I've been to the bottom of Whitewater Falls, I've climb the rocks in the river, I've walked the trails on the West side, I've been across the bridge, and I've climb up the trail. I've been to those places where other kids have been. I've drank and smoked where they've done the same. I've sat and talked with another loner, he had been to Thompson River and back. I've sensed the size, the hugeness of the Falls. Such a total reversal of moods and perspective between top and bottom. The paths and trails on the West upper side, worn in by so many feet over so many years. Neat little makeout places, a view of the Falls and others veiwing the the Falls.
There's thoughts, memories of Warpath and canoeing and island and beaches. Ten year old this year.
5:15 EST PM
McDs. Maybe gefore this holiday is over I'll have donw some serious writing. The T-H-C are happenig again. Remember thinking about having a signing tv commercial. McDs had one today, a beach scene with the boy asking the girl to go to McDs with him. Can people read my mind? You know, schzoids have those kinds of thoughts now. I guess everthing wont as it should, spnt a lonely mans holiday, mostly watching afternoon tv. A little lakeside with two other lonely guys, an american McD supper and latter a one mans lonely seeing a movie. Why should I complain, I have no right to bitch. They're lnely Vets, Nam causalties beign ignored, living in their lonely, drugge dup world. Horrible thought of horrible things in that horrible war. So keep your pitiful, sorry feelling to yourself, you've no right to complian. Yeah, isnt that just another copout - another version of there's always hope which means, there' nothing left to lose. Like I said, it's been another lonely mans holiday.
9:10 EST PM
Courthouse steps. The movie was about a boy in 'honor camp' and a girl in 'girls school', 'starcrossed lovers' only this time they escape into the wilds and live happly everafter. And as a follow up, the raido played "I'm a believer" and "those were the days". So what should I do now? believe in Romance and pack it off to the Horsepaster? They ran away and found happiness so why not me? There's a storm in the wind tonight, it's cool and dark. === You know, the drunk at the Feedroom was right, we are nothing but nerds to the rest of the world. He toughs it out with his bottle and I tough it out with my dreamworld. === I know Im getting weaker, I thought about walking around the house with a noose around my nec. And I've thought about 'go to sleep and never wake up pills' too. And i've thought about selling out and giving away, then running away. There's no hope here, no life for me, no one knows I'm here, cant do anything for them to notice. Cant help the foster kids, someone's already started to pain their house, after I though about it. T-H-C again. i can smell the rain now, time to go home and kill myself.
Tuesday May 27, 1986
8:05 EST PM
Courthouse steps. Beside having to piss, why did I come here to feel mizer? I can get enough of that at home. Is there a mood, a thought, a feeling which I havent had before? What can I be looking for, the only words I write are those of selfpity. Can ther be another 'transist' or 'cruisig' poem in incubation? === There's singing from within the courthouse, is it recorded or is it real? Is the cleanup man, or lady, or crew singing the blues while swinging the broom? === Well, Martha stopped and talked a while, Guess I've never been here this time of night. Wonder if it was a setup? By the way, I didnt kill myself again last night.
Wednesday May 28, 1986
5:20 EST PM
McDs. Randy called shortly after I got home. Wanted to appologize for not showing up Monday. Talk about getting into the Horsepaster late, finding a 'hippis' place, getting home at six === Read in the paper this morning, and been hearing on tv, about antiporno. The 'bad' effects it has on some people. Wonder why 'they' pick on skin flicks and leave the tv violence and suggestive rock videos alone? Whic of the evils is the worst? Huh? == What is Rock & Roll doing these days anyway? Is the magic working a comeback? Is it beyond Punk and New Wavee? Is it understandable?
8:00 EST PM
It's the sound of a racing engine, one of those short, dirt track racers. The typical filling station sponsered type. And it's a cool cloudy late Spring, presummer evening. But why are the pool room people parking on Main Street, they run out of room in front of the barbershp? Thats where they hide, in Gravelys barber shop. Wonder who they ar, I thought they quit that years ago. PJCC? Maybe it's just because Im not on my regular hours. That's all it is. They dont know me and I dont want to knwo them, so there. Maybe I should start counting the other 'ones' cruising around.
Thursday Jun 5, 1986
8:05 EST PM
CHS. Im gettin slack again about my writing. Should have wrote Friday night, Saturday afternoon and night, Sunday evening, Wednesday night. Bot no, I jsut waste opportunities and time and life by not doing what I want when I want. Had a good time at Whitewater even talked to people, a little. Went to a movie with Randy Saturday night, could have sat up here and wrote aftermidnight, but now taht time has past too. "THEY" have outlawed cruising Main Street in Greenville now. Making, being a kid a crime that's what it is. Wonder what the kids will do now? Move to the dark dangerous alleys, passively pout, rabiously rebel, move thier oney? Why do the grownups descpize thier kids, jealous of freer kids, developing delinquents and future criminals. Yes that's the worst case, orginzed crime making everythig thats clean, illegal so that their business improves. More dope dealing indark alleys, more kids with criminal records (arrested and fined for cruising), how long will it be till one or two of the kids get killed in those dark streets?
Friday Jun 6, 1986
5:40 EST PM
Started out to be a par afternoon: ended up paying more for insurance than the orginal quote. drove u the mountain highway before they painted it, laid out in the sun, then went in to exercise. That's when everyting just fell appart. ....
8:20 EST PM
Foothills Mall, trees & gravel. Just left Randy's He was studing for a test tomorrow. But decided to watch tv for a while. It was a good feeling to be with a friend, a break for me from the gloom and doom of life. After supper had to go get Elenors car from PBs. So thats twice tonight Ihad to do for someone else. At least her task made more sense, she was busy at the Feedroom. And then on the way here, I stopped at the con store - the one at the end of 93, to get a Dr Pepper. The intersting thing that happen there was that I couldnt find the little window to pay her, it was a slot under the counter. "How do I pay you?" "Down here." she said. There certainly is a lot of noise here tonight. Lots of traffic, pigeons fussing over nesting places (in the Foothills wooden tower), car doors, talking, no radios at the moment but i am sure the're here somewhere. Where's the beach mood? Graduation was last night & the kids must be there tonight, maybe they didnt go yet. Why dont thsoe kids behind me go down next to burger king with their own kid? I was here first an I even moved from "my" regual place dow there. All just for them. "Give up your own space for the kids, and they want more." Do they know Im here? Is this place like CHS, no one can see me, Im Invisible?
10:45 EST PM
CHS. Picked up a walker about jsut past Keowee Auto, dropped him off at Pantry, wasnt very talkative, but why should he be, he was from the upstate. Maybe I'll jsut sit and build a good mood to carry me homw.
Sunday Jun 8, 1986
7:40 EST PM
Old parking space Foothills Mall parking lot. Well, I guess I've trashed another Sunday afternoon. Mom didnt go to the hospital so I had to sit with her till jsut awhile agot. And she tried to feed me some icecream and cookies when I did not want any.
How can I possible learn what to change, if I dont know what it is all about. Randy picked another arguement last night too. He surrly can make me feel bad. He's conceited jsut like everybody else. 'They' are always right and poor ole Jerry is always wrond.
.... Wonder if I should still take her to Whitewater? Why does something bad have to happen when I think I've got something goiong? Just who is it that's screwing up my life? I feel so dam jinxed - just like that character in 'Li'l Abner', the one with a cloud over his head all the time. The only good thing was walking out of Whitewater with the two guys from Easly and Greenville. By the way, someone did fall and broke their arm last Saturday. That's what the RS was there for, not a practice thing. --- Wonder what would happen if I asked Debbie or Jane out to Whitewater? Will something bad happen to them too? Maybe I shouldnt even think of it -- dont want to cause innoncent people any troubles.
Wednesday Jun 11, 1986
5:20 EST PM
McDs. Maybe later tonight, after the movie at "towers", it's "Odd Jobs"
8:35 EST PM
CHS. WELL, I stop here, but what will I write. Was thinking about Greenvilles anticruising law while driving back from the movies, mostly about all the things I wourld write in a letter to the city council people or the editor. But what goo would it do. the ded has already been doen and politicans will NEVER admit they made the wrong move. Besides whay woudl they listen to a Pickensese? === The thing about the move, Odd Jobs, was that those guys always di hard work and still lose the money. But I really thinks they didnt care anyway. They got laid whenever they wanted. === The highway patrol is working the Pickens arean, saw one in easley and main st pickens. Guess it msut be antidrivers, or is it empty pockets?
....
Friday Jun 13, 1986
7:35 EST
Clemson Quad. What is this? They are boys walking dorm halls, the brooms in the windows are gone. Who are 'they' to open 'my' dorms during the Summer? This is my turf now, 'they' had it for the past three seasons. The steam plants is belching smoke, it's hot in the tin cans, who would want to spend the summer here. There's no lights on this side, the trees in the big pots are drying out - really bad. 'They' are doig the cafeteria here too, doesnt anyone live in the fancy, high rise places? This is almost like a deserted world, with only a few survivors. Those rooms what had lights on last tiem, they'ver been turned off now. So it's Friday night, almost midsummer ever {next weekend}, a college campus, signs of habitation, so where are the kids. A thought, are the kdis really goig to school, or, are they kids hitching around? Is Clemson a summer 'hostel'? That is an iteresting thought. The one what trotted across the quad jsut now, got his/her mail so s/he's a student. There are two rooms with lights on, long pause, I think they are the same rooms and lights. There's a train whistle going by, it echos around the Quad. A room light jsut cam one, next to the one on the west corner. I feel like walking, I actually think I want to be seen!
some time later
This is the front of, or is it the side of, Tillman? You know, the grassy area where 'they' have the 'tissue' contest. I thought, nevermind, 'they' brothers' are moving out now, just waiting for soem freinds to catch up. Nine of them. Wonder if they are high shcoolers. Not quite right that they'll be that many in summer school together.
9:35
CHS. Back on my turf. Started feeling bad following that kid around. They came out on the Quad about ten or so. Maybe I could show up on the Quad about nine and be there when 'they' start to show. Picked up a walker about Wally's old place. He was wearing all balck and hard to see. He was headed to the West End Secena Trail park. So I here I sit, listen to cruising motors. (pause). What's the use, all I can think about is what is it like to be young, the things the kids are doing, the friends they have, and all the other good dthings I missed out on.
Saturday Jun 14, 1986
10:05 AM
Washing clothes. I cant believe I walked right up to that machine and put my oneyint it, the wrong, empty, opened lid machine. Thought for thirty seconds, tring to decide if I should move my clothes or just go ahead and do it. Would have been able to get the soap moved so I gues it's a $1.50 wash this time. That should make JB happy, an extra $.75 this week.
Seems like there has been some good thoughts and poems, and words to write, but it's just not happening. Remember the "Sand" writing Pairs on Beach, thought about that the other day and reallize - again - I do have == the writing magic ===. That young couple, they stopped to read it and started to walk on and she pulled him back to it and they kessed. So my words do mean something to some people. Doesnt that mean I've got === the writing magic ===.
It's been seventy five days since I sent them "Conversation". Sure hope I hear fom them soon, Im getting anzious. And then I have to let the agent do his thing. Wonder if the sell will go down before I die next Spring? Seems like they are suppose to announce the winner soon too.
3:30 EST
Bottom of Whitewater Falls. yes this is my second trip down to the foot of the Falls. At least the I saw still see the Falls. It really is nice down here, The view from top is nice, but you dont get ot apprecitat the height till you sit at the bottom and look up. Something to do with man looking down on things, most of the time. Iv'e only seen one couple, theywer coming up as I was coming down. I'm thinking of doing some nude tathing provided no one show up. It's hard to judge how many com this way, and at what time. Since school is out maybe not many kids, they are the ones who come this way, maybe whoever shows up wouldnt care, it's not like walking down main streat nude, or streaking. But doing it nud definitely would make some one show up.
8:30
McDs. I did it, I took my clothes off and got wet. Spent thirty minutess trying to find a safe place, most everhting was either deep or slipery. The place I found was out of sight of the fence and the top. But after I got in, it wasnt out of sight of the rock overlook. Two people with binacolars saw me, but I didnt care then, I ws into being part of nature, a couple of short thoughts about Indians doing the same. They wer only two at the bridge, but somewhere after I ws halfway out, shouting and caring one, I think those five kids I saw at the top must have followed me down, or did they come back up the trail from across the bridge? I think I'll do it again too. Im just having a large Dr Peper. Trying to do without eating tonight. Randy wasnt home, I was planning to wathc a muppet movie with him and tell him what i did. But I guess, I will have to finish the day without talking to anyone. === This movie at McDs has to be a bad english flick, must have spent forty minutes on on car wreack.
9:00
CHS. too many kids showed up inside McDs. They were standing outside when I walked in. And only one couple and two girls. Thought fair enoght, you kids take the outside, I'll be happy with inside. But no, everyone had to come in too -- Wonder why the manager will let them hang out in the parking lot, but wont let them drive through? Taking up parking spaces is worse than having to wait in line to get to one. That another case of hypercrisy. === Just think, about five hours ago I ws skinny dipping at the bottom of Whitewater Falls, and someone watched me. ===
Remember the "Desert Van" about '81, this mornig two guys in Tuc's were driving it. It and they were in front of Danny's Esso this evening. And they were more of them, guiys in tucs at McDs, I wonder what's happening today or tonight?
Monday Jun 16, 1986
8:50
Saw "Ferris Beullers Day Off", I think I'll do like the kid and get in the check out lane. Take the rest of life off.
Tuesday Jun 17, 1986
8:20
CHS. What an experience. Helped push a pickup truck off Main Street. She had it loaded down so much it felt like the brakes were on. could only just move it a few inches at a time. One of the City Pigs drove up and pushed it off with his car. === A little tough of humanity, I think. ===
Wathed "Growing Pains," it was about Mike's parent chapharoning a dance. He was really thrilled when he heard his parents were 'unacceptable'. Turned out the other kids thought that they were hall coool. Wish I could be "unacceptable" with todays kids.
Picking up on some bad vibs. Going back to work at lunch time, a pickup truck with three black brothers yelled at me; and jsut a while ago when driving up Liberty Hwy, there in front of the Brother's hangout, they yelled at me again. === Yes I really feel some bad vibs going around again. ===
I wonder, do you think it has taken 'them' since the first of winter, to reallize I've been sitting on Courthouse step? Or has another rumor bee started? Kinda like one every five years, a five year itch? Well my conscience is clear, they arent worth the thought, so let them do what ever they want to do. I dont care anymore.
Debbie passed me a note at work today. She cant go out yet, she's either telling the truth or that's the nicest I been turned down.
What kind of Feeling is it to take your son motorbike riding?