Friday Jun 20, 1986

6:00 PM
     Mazzio's, MidSummer's Eve, I think. Just what is midsummers ever? I remember something about shortest night of the year, so thats summer solistice which is the beginning of Summer. So when is it? Summer starts late morning (10:30) tomorrow. So is the shortest night, tonight, or is it tomorrow night, or maybe they are the same. Should I stay up tonight and have a fire, or have a cooout tomorrow night? It's a Full Moon Sunday or is it Saturday. Saturday's will probably rie early. What will Whitewater Falls, be like on the First day of Summer? Is 'The Beach" happening?
     Maybe the two girls were plannning their attack against the boys. (long pause). Now that was really neat. The manager had started clearing the kids table, then he came and aske if they were finishe. Talked to them like adults he did. "Do you want your pizza in a box?" "No that's alright." "Here's your drinks guys.". Such respect before 'those' two generations! I really love it.
     It's getting late, if I'm to make the play.
9:00
     CUQuad. There is life here. Beneath where I sit there was a band playing. A group of people, practicing. And on campus this Summer are campers. people using the campus as a hostel. Or is it some other gathering of yung people. == The play ended badly - too much fighting and craziness == I'd rather write about the life going on here. Not that it is much but I think it's the coziness that counts. I sure hope that CU Pig doesnt bust things up. The kid on the radio said something about campers. Now I know why. Can I just sit and listen for a while? It was a '3' group recording. "Why didnt you play your parts like you ususally do?"
9:50 PM
     CHS. Now it's midsummers eve at Pickens. The moon look full tonight, the first of three full moon nights. In front of the Tillman yard a mustang waved as I drove by, and in the theater another person waved in my direction, I didnt know them so they were waving at somone else. No one ever waves or talks to me. Just read this man. It's MSE and Im still bitching about life. There's suppose to be adventures in the night, youn love going wild. So where is it? Obviously where you're not. Just like always. Wish I had somthing to drink, coke pepsi, drpepper, rc, water, ades. I think I could drink a quart of something.

Saturday Jun 21, 1986

4:45
     MidSummers Day at Whitewater Falls. Today,I saw nine college men climbing from botom pool to fall top. I saw bikini clad at the top - we waved to each other. I smoked a little and saw more. Teenager Heman, making muscle movements wit yells to Shewoman mirroring what she saw across the vastness. And watching animated converstion goin on at top. === The shoes' owners have returned, four squilling teens. Were they here and saw me bellow? === I thanked God for the view and this day while half was down. More people, a couple tis time. I wonder, if theyare here because it's summer day? It is more numerous than the past few weekends. I think now that I have written something for this day, Ill think of where Im not.
8:15
     CHS. MidSummer's Night. Evening of the First Day of Summer. Made it out of Whitewater with no harm done. Helped a little girl retreive her puppy. He was wanting to get back to th car in a hurry, but cam back. So what are the people uptown doin for the evening? Cruiseing the warm Saturday night away? === I dont care if you race your engines. This isnt my town. you can do whatever yuo want here. I dont care. You can think whatever you want to think. yo will anyway, no matter what I do or dont.
     I wonder who the dude is in the car in front of Gravely's barbershop? What is he doing there -- to mess up my night. I guess, since I parked there in the Van in '75 & '76, Ive no right to complain.
     I jsut wish ....

Sunday Jun 22, 1986

7:30
     FHM Parking. Did Hayes Reunion this afternoon. It was a large crowd but I thought it could have been larger. It was at keowee state park, I walked around and sat on the outdoor balcony out in the woods. The thing what hurt was seeing men my age with their family's. Another sign of getting old and still sitting on the bench and not in the game. Meet JC, the retired navy officer and this other dude - I think a preacher now taht I thought about it. I think he part of the breakfast meeting. Thought about see the kids running around at the reunion, that used to be me and the brothers. Oh well those were other times and places. Must think about now and the future like where will I get another job?
     Just for the record, a T-H-C happened about the Viva La Revolution book. Read in the paper today that someone has already did a movie or tv show about kids running away through out the generations for the same reasons. Maybe not exactly Revolution but clsoe enough.

Wednesday Jun 25, 1986

7:50
     Sliding Rock #11. Had already seen the movies but drove down to Easley anyway. Thought about going to the Mall (Heywood) but didnt. Then I thought aobut how long it's been since I've been here. So here I am. The punks with the spray cans have been here and more trash has arrived too. One goo thing though, I've ate some really good berries. Thank you God for feeding me tonight. The water is down here too. Maybe I'll just sit or go down stream some.

Friday Jun 27, 1986

2:15
     WWF, where else? Last night a bird flew in front of the VW and got hit, on the way up here, an owl or hawk or eagel flew in front of the jeep and got hit, and on the way down the 'old way' to the top of the Falls I found a beer can with a dead animal in it. What does it all mean?
     "Really Intense" that's what Tony said. Someone actually talked wit me at the Falls today. And you know what -- He was the one who fell two or three weeks ago. Can you believe that! another survivor of accident. We really talked too, he's a hardwire man, computers that is, and we talked Vietnam too. He fell off the other side trail, pissing trail is what he called it, it wasnt the top like taht other guy said. he saw this notebook and asked, "are you a writer man?" And he read "Go Away Kid" and "Transit" that's when he said "Really Intense". My writing is really intense.
9:15
     CHS. There's one other thing what Tony said, "The Falls have really been good to me."
Recolletions, Saturday Jul 11, 1998
     The Saturday that Tone fell, I made a trip up to the Falls, probably got there early afternoon. I was carrying my Gibson guitar with me some that year too. I saw all the EMS people and ambluanes over in the old area near the top. Thought they were just haveing one of the exercises.
     Climbed down the steep part north of the overing hanging rock, saw my usual hangout place was crowded with all the EMS & RS people. I walked upstream a little to stay out of the way, sat on a rock just in the rivers edge. There I sat, backpack and guitar laid beside me, and watched the progress. Here they come with Tony on a back board across the river. They got him up the steep hill and then things cleared out. I moved my stuff down to the top of the falls and hung out like I usually did.
     Tony told me about what and all happened when he fell. He and some friends were camping out on the East side overhang. He got up that morning, still about dark dawn, and walked up the pissing trail to do his thing. He got right up to the edge and slipped off; fell about thirty feet, bounced off the slope toward the water and rocks; landed somewhere near the waters edge. He got burised up really bad, cracked ribs, dislocated shoulder.
     His friends heard him yell, shout or calling. They went and got help. He said the Rescue squad dude what climbed down there to him, kept asking if he was ok, how he felt, and all. Tony kept saying everything's ok. He said the RS dude kept covering him up with more and more blankets and stuff, but he never did feel hot even though it was hot and humid summer time.
     Tony mentioned too, looking upriver as they carried him across, and seeing someone with a mandline, asked the RS people who that was playing music. Strange sometimes, how paths of lives cross and then cross again later.

Saturday Jun 28, 1986

7:25
     Wahing clothes. Today Randy drove Jimmy's jeep into upper horse pasture. We stone hopped down Horsepasture River to the bridge which carries Foothills Trail over the head waters of Lake Jocasse. It was a really enjoyable experience. Working our way down the river where few, very few, people go. The river was down, the lake was down so it ws pretty easy going. i dont think anyone could stone hop when the river is normal. Dont make much difference, we did find the 'old' loggin road on the way back up river. It junctions with the main road about quater mile back up from the river. Randy thought it was to be one of the suspension bridges, but is wasnt. Two of three bridges and he cooses the wrong river. Thompson and Toxiaway have the swinging bridges, Horsepasture has the truss. Oh well, Im glad we did it, another one of the better experiences that I'll try to survive off of for a long time. I've jeeped in and out of upper Horspasture and done river walking.
8:15
     CHS. I was thinking how really neat it would be to call Dick Barkley and ask him to play Thunder Road since I was up there. And maybe even call him from Main Street. But alas, no dime for the pay phone and dont even know if pay phones do toll free. === There's some kids sitting on the corner wall, the new eyeglasses palce. Thought for a second or two about going on home, but why should I let them run me off. It's not their Main Street till tomorrow night. === The wedding Randy had to go to was letting out when I circled the block. It is a really cool night tonight, there's even a breeze a blowing, it'll probably be raining soon. I wonder if Tony was at Whitewater, we dorver around the parking lot, but didnt see his car. Maybe next weekend. === The newlyweds just drove through town but few followers === Now there's another group {of kids} in front of Iwrins old place. What do they think they are doing? Saturday night is my night. They are to stay at Danny's Exxon, that's where their hangout is. ===

Friday Jul 4, 1986

6:00
     Pizza Inn. Today at Whitewater Falls, I saw four people at the bottom, i had already made the trip down the trail and u river to the bottom and then the rest of the way up the side of the Falls, stopping and looking and watching, I see these four people makeing their way down river from the bottom. Two I knew were there and I saw one come upriver I dont know where the fourth one came from. Maybe he was the loner ahead of the five.
     Anyway, it's obvious that one of them has an injury foot, ankle, or leg. So I sit at the top and watch them make their way back down river, two on each side of the injured man with the fourth (woman i think) following. One of the guys helping would run ahead occassionally to check the best way then return to the gorup. So that's what I saw from the top of Whitewater Falls today.
     So what am I suppose to do? Run back down to fummble around and tag along? Go back to the overlook to send for the RS? And what's the deal with that couple arguing jsut before I saw them? And waht was that dreadfull yelling while walking back to the overlook?
     When I got back to the overlook the RS was just arriving. Someone else had already called them. I think it was the one what ws pointing where he saw them soign back down river. i told one of the RS what Isaw, that they wer headed back to the bridge. They seem hesitant about doing something,s o I offer to run down and intercept them. But myu offer was ignored, as usual.
     So I left. The RS was there and I was an outsider. So I left it with them. A couple of tourist asked me waht ws going down (intential pun), I told them somone ahd fallen. I told them what I knew and left.
9:45
     CHS. Too much pizza and too much tv and too much beer and too much loneliness. That's wht's making me head hurt. But I came up here anyway, to see what July 4 is like on Main Street Pickens. The fireworks should be happenign (over with) in easley now. Maybe some of the Pickens people will be driving throught n a few minutes. The ambulance went off somewhere. Too many accidents too. So whatelse is there to write, except why did that car turn its lights off at Gravely road? It did pull out in front of me at Red Hill.

Saturday Jul 5, 1986

10:00 AM
     Washing clothes. It's going to be another lonely, Saturday afternoon at WWF. And I think it's going to be a no alcohol time too. How about some gatoraide and THC instead? That truck last night, when I was leaving town, I thought I heard, "You nerd". Why do 'they' hate me so much? Im scared to try to do anything because of that 'they' think and of what the 'others' believe. If I paint that old lady's house, the one with all the kids, will the people wonder what is he trying to prove, does he think he can make us believe he's straight, for real, a goody two shoes. He's a narc, a nerd, a fag and we all knwo it." Everything seems so hopeless again.

Monday Jul 7, 1986

5:15
     McDs. Thank God there were no bad scences at WWF Saturday. But before I left washing clothes ....
     The other thing after I left washing clothes was that I was missing a shirt. Well I went back to the mat to check around but it wasnt there. Went on up to WWF thinking that someone had ripped me off,one of the black brothers who shouted at me. So that's how it was when I left for WWF. All upset.
     ....

Thursday Jul 10, 1986

5:45
     Last night went over to Towers Four to watch "JoJo Dancer", the movie about Rich Pyror and his freebase burns and his reflections on his life. It was really good movie, probably because of 'why life thought lived". The important thing aobut watching the movie was beign the only white dude in the midst of all the black dudes watching the black movie.

Friday Jul 11, 1986

3:00
     Whitewater Falls, on the edge. It feels good now, even though the sun has come back out. Im sure that it feels good because I've thrown river rocks aroudn since I got here at about 1:00. you know how it is, fels that is, after youve done some physical nonsense work; you become part of what it is youre working on. So after working on the river for a while, I've become more a part of it; of course God helped me feel more a part of His creation too. The Clouds have come back after months of being away. I guess thats part of it too, the clouds give the eye somethig to focus on, or is it attract the eyes attention? A blank blue sky is nice once and a while, but it does get boring after months at a time. Maybe it is the summer thunderstorm, the anticaiaption of, that add to this WWF afternoon?
     On the way up here, the ride that is, I meet a kid with a pack heading East. Took me awhile but I did turn around and go back to talk with him. He had been on the road for three days. From Greenville, whereelse, had been up in NC and at WWF this morning, heading back to Greenville via Table Rock Mountain. how seldom you see people on the road these days compared to the sixteis and seventies. It felt good to make some little bit of contact with kids doing what I wish I had done. Maybe I'll do it to, for one of the vacation weeks. A trip to the Beach maybe.
5:25 same Day
     Same Day, Same Place. Thought I should note that I'm still here and that I've work on the river some more. I'll jsut sit here and drink my lst beer and watch the view from the top of Whitewater Falls.

Saturday July 12, 1986

10:30
     Washing clothes. Wel, another week has gone by, and what have I done to show for time gond by? All I every do is thing of the things I want to do, but never do. I'm such a creature of habit, Idoubt if I could survive any other way. I even think it's more hazzardious for a thirtyseven year old to be out on the road than for a twenty year old. People expect the young ones to do such things, but midage men should be married and settled with they own young ones out on the road.
9:00 same day
     CHS. So this is what happed at WWF today. I took some California Coolers instead of SilverBullets; they were good too, a fruity taste not much wine taste at all. So when I get to the top; a threesome, two guys and a girl, came down river, a sevensome were already halfway down, six guys and a gal, and misc other people going and coming. Over by the Falling Cliff, on the pissing trail, I find this rope tied off at the tree and hanging down to the bouncing area. There was a canvas, small puch, and sun glasses laying around too along with the beer cans. I sit there andwatch the sevesome breakup. One of them spied me and three of them cam back to the cliff side. It must be their stuff, so I leave it as I found it. I hand around the top long enought to see part of the seven arrive, then I depart for the bottom. At the bottom there's this young couple making out on the rock. I leave them be and change into Clemson shorts and get wet and cool off. The couple wander off to the lower pool, I know they wanted to come to wher I was, the cool pool. Anyway they fool around the lower pool for a while and I investigate the high grounds. A rock peak, miniture mountain top. I think thats when they saw me. Anyway it wasnt all taht long before he runs back and gets their stuff and they head back down river. Him in his bikini bottoms, but since he ahs the young body why not. I did end up showing them the way out.
     Did a thirty minute climb back to the top of the Falls, includes a three minute rest halfway up. That's the first and last time I do that trick.
     Back at the top the foursome is still there. After a long, long rest I leave.
     So on the way back I stop and help five young stud with their broken car. At least till one their pop arrive {McDaniel Road}. Till I came up here I watch tv and drank my other two CCs.
     So that's what happened today at Whitewater Falls.

Wednesday Jul 16, 1986

8:30
     CHS. Went to see "Lybrinth" at Clemson and met one of the 'Players' the one who did the muscle man part in 'Picnic'. Said he loved it. The movie was about a girl living her fairy tale. Troll kingdom Fantasy. David Bowie did a little singing in it. Dont know exactly what I fell about the movie; just another Fantasy, just another good ove evil story; just another cult movie. Maybe what Im thinking about is the Player guy going to the same movie, alone too. There's one other thing bothering me tonight. Trying to get together with the Brazilians. It's difficult to tell what they want or what they understand. Maybe it what they dont wants, to be bothered by me. Oh yes, there were a whole flock of yound kids at clemson campus. Looked like sort of atheletic work shop. Wonder if it is for the week or two. All those kids staying on Clemson campus.

Friday July 17, 1986

4:15
     WWF. Today the Brazilans and I were to get together and do things, but "that something" happened. They didnt show for work today, so we didnt get to make plnas, so I got all upset, and so I came up here along again. Dont make no difference with me any more. The harder I try to socialize with people the more "that something" happens. I will say this, I did very well to salvage this afternoon, I cleaned up the East side at the foot of the Cliff. Yes, I crossed over mid way down and I've been to where Tony fell. Even climbed down the log he climb up. So I think I've done very well for myself, idont need no body. Like Tony said, "These Falls have really been good to me," go I why shouldnt I be good to them and pick up other peoples trash?

Sunday Jul 13, 1986

8:30 PM (Out of Place and Time)
     Home. Watch part of a tv show about "The Beach", surfing, windsurfing, skateboarding, sunning, etal. Southern California with sixties, & fifties and seventies and eighties. Well you know "The Beach" and "The Youth" the thing what makes you want to go there and losoe yourself. I guess that's all I wanted to do, wrtie down what the show was about. === Wonder what the kids on Main Street are doing tonight? Is there a big crowd? Do any of them know what makes their life tic? ===
     The other thing I want to make note of is aobut "Viva La Revolution", I want to start writing it, but I also want to wait till I get a computer to do the typing. I want to think I can compose better at a hkeyboard, but then I think "if the words dont come with pen and paper, whey would you think they would with a keyboard?" Maybe i'll end up writing downt hen typing up just like I did with "Conversation". I wish manuscripts would send their edited version back this week, Im tired of waiting.

Saturday Jul 18, 1986

10:00
     Washing clothes. so what if John moved to another table, so what if he didnt like being over talked, so what if he didnt understand my mumbling about the news article (a seventeen year old Liberty kid killed himself with his car last night) just like in the movie Thursday night. It seems 'they' are all egotist. What they say is worth hearing, but what I say isnt. That's the way it is. I cant wait to get up to the Falls and ignore everyone else. The Falls is my only Earthly friend now. Told Ralph and whoever else heard that I wish I could quit my job and go on the Road, just like a kid fresh out of college. That's what it is, I want to run away. A thirtyseven year old runaway.
about 3:00 but who cares
     same day, WWF Bottom. When I got here, there were a group of college boys, about five or six climbing in the white water. And by the time I got to the bottom, they had gather at the lower pool for a smoke, and they was a family at the upper pool So after they boys move out I moved into the lower pool. Also climb down into the cold water jaqusir. So after the family leave I came up to the upper section of the bottom. I came down the short steep way, the path that goes straight down from the lover overlook. It's littered with cans too, so I guess it's been in use for a while. Seem like I was to write something special while here but Idont remember now. Two young men have arrived so I guess Im not to be alone today. I do remember being eyed by the college kids when I got here. Either they thought "what a weird looking ol dman" or maybe they thought "thats the man who did TK and wrote crusing" but I really think is was the first thought taht they were thinking. === I think one of those college boys was nude to, when I got down here it was obvious they all had trunks on. ==
7;30 same day
     McDs. It's Austin City Limits on tonight at McDs. At least till someone changes the stations. It's not as crowed as I thougth it might be, maybe it's too early. What bothers me about falling and jamming my finger and bouncing off my knees is that just before I hadn turned away from one of the family groups climbing the whitewater, I didnt want to see him fall. So I go on about my business but the 'thought seed' had been planted. I tripped over a limb and fell. So what do you think of that !! Just now, with Austin City Limits, Whitewater Falls, McDs, there was a natural rush of having been up at the Falls and now sitting at McDs. That little thing of having been somewhere today and thinking of it back in the old hometown. !!! Austin City Limits is ten years old this year, I would have thought it to be old, like Grand Ole Opry. Anyway it was in seventy six that they had their first singing. So what's it going to be for the rest of the evening? Why the need to ask, it's go home and be alone again.

Wednesday Jul 23, 1986

6:10
     McDs. I guess this morning I finished "In Nature Be Free". I think Tony S liked it. At least he was grinning. the other major bit of news it that I sent a self address stamped envolpe to Manuscripts to get the winner's list. Still no revision and only ten days left.

Thursday Jul 24, 1986

6:00
     .... One of these nights, Im going to really do it. "Whatever it is you're going to do, go do it and be quick about it. I'm tired of hearing you talk about it."

Friday Jul 25, 1986

3:10
     Top of Whitewater Falls. Today I put "In Nature Be Free" in a small cravase in the West overhang.
Post Scriptum Jul 1998
     I checked on the folded up paper, stuffed in a crack under the overhanging bolder, above where people sat and watched the falls, when ever I went back. But then the Falls thing faded away after about another year, the WhiteWater Falls years, 1983 to 1988. A year or two passed by before I looked again for the paper, saw the cravase had broken away, it was gone at last. Seven years that folded up piece of paper stayed there, through the summer crowds, fall college kids returning, winter ice storms, rites of spring among the young.

Saturday Jul 26, 1986

8:50
     Washing clothes. Me thinks that my writing times, are at regular times; washing clothes time is, ever thought I dont have much of anything to say.

Monday Jul 28, 1986

5:10
     McDs. On Saturday afternoon: Event #1, went down to the bottom via the steep direct route. Picked up trash and explored a little on the way down. Tied ribbons too!
3:10 Event #2, Before I got to the lower pool I was hat, tired, and feeling weak. Actually felt dizzy. Low blood pressure maybe.
3:10 Event #3, A man, from Australia, with his 3 boys was there asking about trails back out.
3:10 Event #4, A storm was brewing adding to the gloominess of the situations. I was wondering if I would make it back out, with a pack that was getting heavier.
3:10 Event #5, Saw repealing on the East Cliff.
3:10 Event #6, At the top, saw how one of the repealers was moving slowly and how the youth were mingleing well.
3:10 Event #7, Found abandoned sneakers and tank top.

Tuesday Jul 29, 1986

7:30
     Pizza Inn Pickens ....
     So anyway, I came back from Clemson University Library -- got that Lost Feeling again -- that library is to big cant' never find anything there. So on the way back I got to thinking about pizza and beer. So here I wait for it to be fixed. Execpt it will be CaliCool instead of beer.
     ==== I still think there's a revolution brewing. The things this country is doing, is what this country has fought wars to stop other country from doing. ====

Friday Aug 1, 1986

9:20
     Quad Clemson.

Saturday Aug 2, 1986

10:00
     Washing clothes, where else? Got runned of from CU campus last night. Just had sit down to write when teh Crowe Security came up, askig questions. He said if you're not a student or employee you're not suppose to be here. So after we exchanged small talk I told him I'll leave so I wouldnt be a bother. He said he appreciated it. So I guess I'm not welcomed there anymore.

Monday Aug 4, 1986

6:20
     Late supper time. I guess it was Saturday night that I watched "Hunchback of Notredame" with Randy or was it last night? No it had to be Saturday because I bought beer on the way over to his place. ....
     There's two things Ive been pondering, the Revolution thing and the Transcript of "think tank" teleconference sent to wsbf. Wont never hear any response from them, But like usual, it will either influence people or someone will rip it off for his own. If ! not even a thank you for your comments ! Well, it's about time to head on over to Grn'lle Mall to see a movie. It's going to be a long time till bed time.
7:45 same day
     Grn'lle Mall parking. Waiting for show time, partly. Really had to ge her so that I could piss and drink. Isnt that usually the case? The clouds are dark in the West, and man did I pick a bad spot to park -- between all the other parked cars and an exit, zip and whizing they come so clsoe too. I thought parking away from everyone else wouth be safe, but it's not. Maybe if I can jsut sort of relax and let the mood catch up, I could real start feeling good. One of them old time hoodlum type, plazz place, stormy scene feelings. I tmaybe a struggle to get there, though, thirtyfive minutes is a good bit of time to waste away. A tractor rig jsut disieled its way by on the road. There's another one parked about seventy meter in front too. The road sounds, it's not like an interstate or business throughfare. Trucks and people on the move. High traffic life with lots of people passing through. What kind of contrast is it with all this parking lot whizzers whizzing by in such a rush to rest at red lights. Monday night, not a weekend, only real street people hangout on week nights. It's shortly after nine now, lots more traffic with alll the shoppers parting ways. Iwas telling Randy, when we went to the Towers Four lst week How old Towers Mall was, Greenville Mall is old too you know {pause} There's this building on the other side of the road, it's a factory of some kind. Everynow and then it blows off steam. That makes an interesting sound in the night. And the jeep on the road - from wheel through rain were heard. They jsut whizzed by - a jeep load of young studs.

Friday Aug 8, 1986

?
     WWF. About ten till four I think. Should have started writing when I first got here: but I didnt, just like the other times. Been too involved with being here. Two guys and a kid were at midway campfie. I think they went on down dut I dont knwo for sure. Iv'e been facing up river, into the sun, some thing afternonn. So I dont know if they went out down or not, I dint see them. Looks like a boy and girl coming up river now. The one good thing this week is that I called Manuscripts, Monday or Tuesday, they will use all 120 days. They were to send it back yesterday. Maybe, if I'm lucky, it'll be here tomorrw. but ofcouse Monday is more like it.
     Last night I laid out in the rain. I laidn on the beach chair. It really felt good. No inhibitions, well maybe one, should I do it or not? I did, jacked off in the rain. I really dont know what to do about that -- is it unhealthy or what? I am part of the 'old' school which says it is unhealthy and then again I'm part of the liberal school too, which says it's ok. So what is it? This growing up in two different worlds is really tough.
     The other thing this afternoon is the old thing about NOT look up at the sky. I'm always looking down at the bottom of the Falsl. It's still a pessimistic attitude I guess. Especially when they are clouds in the sky to look at. {pause} It really does make a difference, look at the sky (up) rather than look at the view below (down). It's uplifting, that's what it is!

Saturday Aug 9, 1986

9:35
     Washing clothes. Yes I am, so I had better write something. Wouldnt be right if I didnt. Maybe I should add a poem about the "Beautiful People" and the "Common Folk". It's cloudy this morning. I'll probably end up at WWF no doubt. Get wet from the rain. But then what? I'll be lonely again.
? same day
     WWF. Well there he came, as tall and slim as me. And in bikini briefs too. He's got more balls than me, figuratively speeking that is. Not that there was anything to see, but just the idea of all that brievity. he ahs no inhibitions, let the whole world see me. And in the same group, about fifteen I gues, perfecty proportioned and handsome too. He had on the new long printed shorts and shirt too.
     {{Just a note, so that it is recorded somewhere. I scratched TK in the rock where water flows.}} Those two didnt stay long, Just a picture then it's off back up stream. Part of the group it appears and looks like all but one is matched up, more attractive people to look at and think about.

Sunday Aug 10, 1986

4:30
     Easley parking. It was suppose to be a free Sunday afternoon. She said they were going to the mountains. So what happened? Here they come back at one oclock, DM's nova started having brake trouble so he decided to abort the trip. And after they unload stuff and they get ready to leave, it wont start. So I get involved in that too. And later on DM comes back to get Francis to go to Linda's and Eddies on the phone with Frances so DM has to talk about taht and mom's shouting on the phone so that I can hear what shes saying to Eddie. Why dont they just shoot me and be done with it? Maybe it's more fun for them to torture my mind. So my free afternoon has gone to pot, an extra day off to try to do what I want to do. How can I possibly write anything with my mind being cluttered with all this garbage? What great things would have I written that necessitate this sabatoge?

Wednesday Aug 13, 1986

5:05
     McDs. Just eating tonight I guess and a movie. Nothing special to write. {{Berlin Wall: 4900 suriviors, 7 (70) causalties}}
     Frances left Tuesday morning, ....
     Manuscript is not back yet either, a week tomorrow from the time they planned to send it. Did I mention, I didnt win anything either? Wrote "Loser" across the winners list. Bad luck Jerry. When will you give up and do it?

Friday Aug 15, 1986

5:30
     Pizza Inn. This afternoon look too cloudy to go up to Whitewater and too cloudy to get any sun. But I laid out in the overcast anyway. Listen to some old style - not necessarily oldies - music & lyrics with meaning. Thy lyrics that tell a story with a real message. It felt good to be nude under cloudy skies - inhibitions just draining away. almost feeling young again. The rains came between three thirty and four fifteen and I did it again. I thought I could hold out but the urges to be like the young won out again. Anyway since I've got my emotions all screwed up again, I forgot what it was I was going to write about -- all those happy thoughts and words of wisdom this afternoon.
     They must be getting fast with the Pizza making - she said it's ready alreay and the watch says five forty. Doesnt seem like long enought to cook the dough - but fast enough to take it. === Some thing about writing letters to wsbf clemson, and poems in the sand, and showing Tony the Fall guy the WWF poem, and telling Randy, Tony and I are survivors, and getting Randy to help with fixing up the Foster lady home, and words of being free from hangups, and thinking how I'm just now doing (understanding) what I should have known when 15-29, and a whole bunch of other thoughts this afternoon.

Saturday Aug 23, 1986

4:00
     Campsite Fire. Didnt go anywhere today. Just up town and over ot moms to fix the wheel on her lawn mower, and to Randys to leave a note on his door to plead with him to come over tonight. I've been listen to wsbf clemson this afternoon while keeping the fire going. One of the other neat things I did was 'toast' deviled ham, one sided, sandwiches over the fire. I thought it was a challege to make the stick and keep the food from falling into the fire. "Thought" about being out in thewoods (wilderness), living by the fireside. But I realize that was only a feeble attempt to escape from real life. "Thinking" school has started again, another year has bone by and I wonder what I got to show for it. -- NO ! I not goin to start feeling sorry for myself. Iv'e got lots of good plans and Im going ot think about them. Like getting a computer and word processer, and putting out Gratuitious Princple, and other thoughts. I do hope Randy comes over and I do hope I can last till hten and afterwards too, dont want to crash before they leave. I really want someone to talk with. === 27 more day till a year of writing. Certainly would be nice to get i all in one book. ===

Monday Aug 25, 1986

5:00
     McDs. Sent the 'errors' back to Manuscript for them to fix. Also ask for their agent recommendations. High School started last Thrusday and Friday, saw a smll group (6) uup here jsut a bit ago. No wonder I can not think of what to write -- looking at Saturdays entry and thinkign is ws at WWF on Friday. Jsut stop tring and go to Randy's.

Friday Aug 29, 1986

6:00
     Pizza Inn. Wednesday night was "Ferris Beurells Day Off" repeat night at Tower Four Cinema. I was planning to write something big fromt hat movie, one these quotes but which one? "Ferris can do anything!", "There's nothing Ferris cant handle!" And I ponder about that possible ripoff -- "It's not what are we going to do today, but what arent we going to do." So that was Wednesday night and I've still got to do the big thing.
     Tonight, in Pickens, in Bruce Statium, the high schools have gathered to play footballj. So tonight in Pickens, there will be the commraderie of youth, young spirits, celebrating life. But me -- I will take my pizza home, eat and drink more beer -- and think of how it could have been with me. Hopefully I can work on understanding probabilties more.
     This afternoon, at home, beside the jeep, listening to wsbf, I laidn in the sun feeling rays on all my flesh, drinking silverbullets, "studying" probability like I perceive todays college studs doing.
     The world, this life, is too much to bare. So I escape into my mind and dream. It's a crutch I know, but is the "terminal" solution better? Tony invited me out to "Showbiz Pizza" in Greenville Heywood Mall, but that's his friends and their dates and I wouldnt fit in. === Feel out of place, FOOP === the song I hear is Running against the Wind RAW ===
     There's some other things I've got to do too, like Gratitious Principle, and home computer, and helping the foster lady and kid recognition, and something else which jsut slipped away when I started with 'There's some other..."

Saturday Aug 30, 1986

8:30
     Home. Well maybe I am 'home'. Let me tell about this feeling I have within me. It's a nice, warm, childhood, back in school type of feeling. I've been really engrossed in this probability thingk with work and so I've been really studying this one textbook. Today I drove Old Faithful VW to town this morning and while washing clothes I read and wrote some from the textbook. I thought of the times I sat behind the steering wheel, in that same setting, in that same VW when going to Clemson.
     This afternoon, I really got into cleaning up the jeep, cleaned out the inside especially. I listened to wsbf clemson of course, drank some CalCoolers, and mostly tried to hang on to that college kid feeling. ==== I found my old crucifix laying on the asphalt behind the jeep. It must have fell out when I let the tailgate down. I didnt even know it ws missing ==== I ws a little hesiatant about what to do. I picked it up and kissed it and apologized for loosing it and not even knowing it was missing. After I finished -- not finished, rained out -- cleaning up the jeep,I came in, bathed and then put the crucifix on the chain I wear, the one I bought in Italy. So, after nine or ten years -- I cant remember the last time -- I'm wearing the cross again. I think I bought it at Myrtle Beach one year way back in high school. I'm sure I wore it then and in college and through the navy. ===
     So it's been a really interesting and good feelings day and evening. Even being at mom's and family troubles didnt bother me as much as it use to. I ws paranoid about the feeling being a trap back into bad times. I've become so schizoid I'm scared my life, my mind, is being controlled.
     I still feel pretty good even after writing about that.

Monday Sep 1, 1986

1:30
     McDs, Labor Day Afternoon. Cleaned the den floor around noon time. Then started sorting books. I hat having to sort things. Got all screwed up with memories. I'll be glad when I burn all that stuff. It's been a raining holiday feelings too, so that didnt help.
     This morning around the breakfast table, I started thinking seriously about goin to LA. I probably should since it'll be the last change for a long long time. I cant tell if I'm being realistic or not -- trying to seperate how I'll life for it to be from how it'll really be. It's easy to think about being on the street - but to really be there means hard times. It'll put me in delaying getting a computer too.

Friday Sep 5, 1986

8:05
     Washing clothes. It's been raining all week. Tuesday and Wednesday were really bad. Plannig to go to LA turned into a depressing thing - after I found out how much it'll coast and how lost I'll feel after I get there. $1400 without food. How do the street people manage? Of course, that's why they're on the streets - no hotel no car. So I've chickened out. I cant even spend money to rent a car, for 6 hundred just to ride around. So it looks like I'll just hope my jeep will get me to Highlands, or Columbia, or somewhere else nearby. Talked with Randy about LA - he said go and get inspired to write poems. I guess I'll never get out of this place. The old faithful VW is really getting old - I think I'll have to retire it. Larry's help cant seem to fix it like they use to.
     Why can't I just pack up and go? I've got the diesase.