Cast: For he's a jolly good fellow, he's a jolly good fellow, he's a jolly good fellow, as good as a fellow can come! (Gather around Melvin, who's in a graduationg gown.)
Melvin: Thank you, thank you everyone for spending this momentious occation with me. I feel honored that you all stuck by me and helped through the difficulties of high school. I'm so glad that you're all village gossips. You were all there for me, escpecially when I needed it most.
Uncle Sam: Look at that! He's got all sophisticated on us! You always did use big words, an' now he's got the paper to prove it! (Laughter)
Melvin: Thanks Uncle Sam. Thank you all just so much. It has been, as you all know, a difficult year. What, with Little Harry getting run down by his trycicle after he ate spoiled tuna and got his leg gnawed off by Uncle Jack's lizard. And Daisy, dear Daisy, may heaven always smile upon your torn out eye socket. Well, it's been tough, but we all made it through. And now, as I go off into the strange land of college, though only a block away, I will always remember your kindness. But right now, I think I have something to do. (Swoops down and picks up girlfriend, Casandra, and carries her out onto the balcony. Family smiles and laughs.)
Casandra: Oh Melvin!
Melvin: Casandra!
Casandra: We're finally alone! (Stare into each others eyes.) Melvin, I was just thinking. Well, now that we're both out of high school, and I've got a full time job at the movie store and all, and well, I know it's not right for a girl to ask, but I love you Mellly! I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, even my brother, though he is really cute and warm. I love you so much, and, well, I want to be with you for the rest of my life! Will you Melly, will you?
Melvin: Will I what?
Casandra: Will you marry me, silly. See, you're just so funny. I don't think I could live without your smiling face. (Starts crying.)
Melvin: Sandy, oh Sandy. I love you too, my little box of partially gelatinated peanuts, but, well, I just don't know.
Casandra: Don't know what, Melly? Don't know what?
Melvin: I've been thinking too, 'Sandra, I know that it's unusual, but, well, in college there are going to be so many people and new things to discover. Not like here, where my cousin is also my uncle and my grandfather is my nephew. Well, I guess I shouldn't work around what I'm trying to say, but, I think that I'm, you know, gay.
Casandra: You're what?
Melvin: A fruit. Yes, I was surprised too.
Casandra: Melvin! No! You can't be, it just can't be so!
Melvin: I'm not quite sure yet, but, I just have to know. Will you, will you be here when I get back from screwing around at college? I still want to be friends, I just, I just don't like you that much. I'm sorry 'Sandra, I just don't want to deal, I mean, be with you anymore. (At this point 'Sandra runs from balcony, sobbing.) Casandra! Oh please come back! Sandy! (Whistful)
Author's Note: I don't see how anyone could ever do this for a living. The temptation to make a sweaty love scene between parents and children, or to have Casandra decide that she likes the dog more than Melvin is just too strong. Must, hold, back, keyboard, ahh, oh, episodes, hard to, noooooooooooo, Iloveyouskippy,you'rejustsolicketydelicious, oh, must stop, evil sensation. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Author's Second Note: Most of this isn't actually based on my town, except for the brother/family relations thing. Once, when I was sitting in the lunch room, my entire table figured out how they were related. Hmm. Somehow I'm glad that I move every few years.