I have just had the pleasure of sitting through my worst nightmare. No, it's not the animal channel, smurfs or toe rings, no, it's not kamakazi disco or Dr. Laura, this fear is on a much greater level. I just had to visit.......the relatives. Thirty-six hours of sitting through COMPLETE AND UTTER HELL. I think that there is something special about making it through an experience like that, a pump of humanity, a burst of rejuvenating fruit juice that makes you all that much stronger a person, or, in reality, a hope that there really are people out there just as pathetic as you. It really is amazing, not just that relatives exist, but also that they seem to haunt you, to follow you through your dreams. I've heard my uncles donkey laugh in my sleep, when I close my eyes, it just won't leave me alone! Is this by accident? A simple twist of fate on some unknown molecular level? Daylight savings? No, I think not, I think that relatives exist purely so that you can look at your life and say, "my family sucks." Am I wrong here? Of course not, everyone knows it's true, they're just afraid to actually say it. That's what's so wonderful about the inter-net; it brings family together.
You see, I'm not a people person. The whole creation of conversation is just a bit too difficult for me. The full extent of speech I have with people, (if we don't know each other already,) consists of them asking me questions, and me answering. If they're really lucky they can get a full sentence answer. I's not my fault, I just fear human contact. Unless I am actually comftorable, people think that I am quiet, cold, or have a mental illness, (hence the website.) So, you can only imagine how wonderfully awkward it was to be surrounded by a hunk of people who expected me to socialize. My brother, (who is great at the whole speech thing,) spoke with relative ease, literally, while I hid in my book. Does anyone know how scary it is to have four people come over to you at the same time and shove their wrinkled lips in your face? I wanted to see my Grandma, she's swell and I hadn't seen her in a while, but the rest of them, they're just scary. Believe me. S-C-A-R-Y. Like this; imagine ten wanna-be hippies, four people older than seventy, one nine year old, my immediate family, and me. We were all wrapped up into one, happy little all natural package.
It's not even that I mind the theory of relatives, they're nice things to have, they help you out when things get rough, encourage all sorts of interesting habits, even buy your socks, it's just, what is it about them that makes everything so creepy? I swear, every single person in that room felt that I didn't want to be there, and sought me out like a rabbit on ridiline. They felt my fear. They heard my screams. They listened as my fingers searched in my pockets for that small piece of hope that would lead me to sanity. They found me, and I will never be the same. I don't know what it is about relatives that will make people drive for seven hours, call for hours long distance, mentally make you send thank you cards, but somehow, they do it. Woa.
It is with this knowledge that I have discovered the answer to surviving the 'tives. It was after many a perilous hours, so you people are getting off easy. I havce found that all you have to do is combine the nod and smile method with the "yes, I like that very much," response. You might have already figured that out, but I am slow, it's not my fault. It really does work like a charm for the anti-social people such as myself. Because you have probably figured that out long ago, I offer this for you quicker ones......when visiting the relatives, never stroke enlightened aardvarks or unruly lamposts. Really, it's better that way.