They say the truth sets you free.
I disagree.
The world knows the United States is going to war, Americans
see their economy dying faster than an overly enthusiastic duck
in a mine-field and yet, for some reason, this information doesn't
leave me with a warm and tingly feeling. What good is knowing
about a nuclear holocaust when duct tape is the extreme preventative
measure? Why bother protesting when the more you shout the more
the government looks away? The situation is perplexing, though
not unexpected.
As the good mother Theresa once said, "presidents are like
a box of chocolates, you never know when one is going to be a
fucking lunatic." We realized that Bush was below par in
his campaign, but I doubt even mother Theresa could have foreseen
his insanity. This is not to say that I'm disappointed in the
little bugger, he's already proved to be the worst un-elected
leader in American history, and he hasn't even declared martial
law yet! Don't worry though, there's still time.
You would think that after two World Wars, millions of skirmishes
and billions of needless deaths since the beginning of recorded
history, the human race would have a good meander over the pros
and cons of war. What good was evolving from the austropithian
state if humans still can't reason their way out of nuclear catastrophe?
Forgive me for my cynicism, but there is an evident problem when
France, Russia, China and Germany are the nations rooting
for peace.
I could explore the numerous reasons to disengage from Bush's
foreign policy, but there is a more pressing matter at hand. The
style of war the administration is seeking will involve immense
numbers of American military personnel. As has been theorized
by multiple officials, this means one thing; a reinstitution of
the draft. Because I am reluctant to see my friends, neighbors,
brother and possibly myself skipping off to impending doom, it's
important to begin the cycle of un-Americanism now.
Fifteen Steps to Avoid the Draft
1) Don't eat. While thoroughly unhealthy,
your ghastly composition may be enough to warn sympathetic officers
to the effects of anorexia.
2) Develop a rare case of color-blindoma. While this is technically
a fictional ailment, I've heard the army is reluctant to accept
kids who could shoot at the wrong uniform color. Go figure.
3) Develop mild asthma, though serious would be better.
4) Take a permanent trip to the northern border. I see a promising
position as a mounty in your future...
5) Employ a tattoo artist to draw conspicuous looking skin disorders
in obvious places.
6) Arrive at the examination in a tickle-me-elmo shirt with a
bright pink purse. Remember to scream "faaaaaabulous"
when the doctor wants you to take off your shirt.
7) Refuse to enter because Jon doesn't want to go in but Larry
does... the screaming is too unbearable. Lucy is neutral but has
a head cold so is worried about being rejected on the basis of
a stuffy nose. Remember to laugh maniacally whenever Jon has a
clever retort against Larry.
8) Start sobbing every time the doctor touches you, then scream
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!" when an army personnel enters the
room.
9) Tell the officer that you won't go to war unless you can bring
your hamster Geramine to the front, but remind him that she has
to be walked twice a day and fears loud noises, so that shooting
nonsense would have to stop.
10) Start crying anytime a person makes eye-contact with you,
saying, "oh, it buuuuurns" over and over.
11) Begin singing "The Good Ship Lollipop" whenever
an acronym is used.
12) Tell the officer that you won't comply with his orders until
he pokes you in the tummy like the Dough Boy. Make him do the
laugh, too.
13) Only communicate through Morse code using the clicking noise
of your tongue.
14) Speak in rhyme.
15) Refuse to answer any questions until the officer gives you
a lollipop.