Last night I ventured into the video store with my mom because we both decided that watching "Making the Band" wasn't quite what we wanted in life. Anyhoo, the first thing that I saw as I walked in was this entire shelf full of movies for sale with the cover of this guy with long hair dressed in white robes standing above this landscape of sand. The movie was called Jesus. I thought that it was kind of disturbing until I looked up and saw this HUGE sign that read Jesus, $15.98. I could not stop laughing. Here all these suckers are out looking for Jesus when all they have to do is walk into their local video store! I thought that it was the funniest thing I had ever seen, and proceeded to have an entire night of pure let-us-find-the-savior jokes. That was fun.
This morning was almost as good. My mom was calling her friend from our old town about something, and as I sat on the couch eating Cheerios, I suddenly hear my mom exclaim "Moses, you bad boy!" Their cat is named Moses, but I started cracking up saying "Jesus, $15.98" spewing my Cheerios everywhere and making my mom cackle in that motherly way of "yes, dear, it's quite funny I'm sure." Maybe you had to be there. Well, anyway, that inspired me to make this; a list of Hollywood titles that, well, make me giggle.
Romeo Must Die- Is it just me, or does saying that someone must die in the name kind of defeat the purpose? You know that the movie will basically consist of man runs. Man hides. Man jumps. Man has cool effects. Man makes money off of America. Man laughs. It's like a violent version of Spot. Besides, I keep thinking that someone is out to destroy Shakespeare. Until I saw the actual ads, I thought that it was just another warped name for Romeo and Juliet. I think that that was just me, though.
Space Cowboys- Now, considering that most people don't typically like westerns with cowboys and those scary looking shoes that just frighten me, why should people like a western that's just moved over a few light years?
Nutty Professor II: The Klumps- Here's a question. If Hollywood really wanted to sell this movie, then why did they put "nutty" and "klumps" in the same sentence? Even with "klumps" interesting spelling, it does not take away from the content, although I sincerely wish that it did.
X Men- Need I say more?
Whipped- These titles always confuse me. Aside from a painful form of torture, what exactly does one simple verb tell you? Their mother likes her eggs scrambled, not "whipped"? The father is so angry at their mothers obsessive scrambled eggs that he "whips" her with a wet egg shell? Because the children have just been traumatized by their father's abuse they go off and "whip" another kids butt? Or maybe they started obsessive gambling and got "whipped" in a game of poker? Pot line, ha, we don't need no stinkin' plot line.
Bring It On- Bring what on? The overly large phone bill? The angry land lord? If one was to "bring it on," then they would have to have arms to bring it forth, a thing to carry, implying the "it," and a surface to lay the object down upon. Still, the sentence does not tell where to lay the object, what the object is, or by what means of transportation they must use, because they don't know what they're bringing in the first place. Is that foreshadowing?
The Emperors New Groove- Okay, now this might just be me, but if this movie actually took place in a time where there were emperors, why would someone want to see them dance? Besides, if someone had a "new groove," they must have had an "old groove", and I'm sorry, but who would want their countries leading power to be an obsessive dancer who feels the need to find a "new groove"? I realize that we're trying to work the arts more into society, but politics is a whole different story.
Hidden Tiger Crouching Dragon- I actually saw this movie. It was bad enough so I think I'll do a real movie review. All I could think the whole time is Jerry Seinfeld saying, "what is it with this flying?" (Does anyone other than me remember him saying that? Probably not, I don't even watch the show, but still I remember it. Sad, sad, sad........)
Any Arnold Swarzinader (sp?) Movie Ever- 'nuf said.
Seventh Heaven- This isn't a movie, but I feel I must comment regardless. Why are there so many shows based on religion? When I watch TV, I like to sit back, space out, and only occasionally get something more than laughs out of the show. That's what TV is for. A few times, when nothing else was on and I really didn't want to do anything else, then, I'm talkin' twice here, people, I watched this show. While I must admit that watching predictable characters interact is somewhat amusing, it's an hour long show. Not only by the end of the school do I feel the need to hurl something at the screen, but I am also sick of people trying to teach "telling the truth" to our youngsters. What is it with everyone obsessing over these morals? Sheese, and I thought having a conscience was bad.
Pokemon- Evil, evil, evil.
Evolution- Available for viewing everywhere.......except Kansas.
Final Fantasy, the Spirits Within- Sounds kinda dirty, doesn't it? What happens to a kid who goes to look it up on the net and gets the wrong place? Who pays for their psychiatrist?
The Mummy Returns- You'd think that after the first action/thriller they would have gotten rid of the mummies, but nooooo. Have to have a second movie to clean up the first mistakes. They disgust me........
Tomb Raider- Not bad for a movie whose only purpose is to show off Angela Jolie's body.
Sleeping with the Enemy- I'm watching this now. I'm almost pissing myself. Not only do I not understand why people would sleep with their enemy, but I'm also scared out my mind. JESUS! That was really disturbing. Slight interlude to hurl myself into my mom's lap and nuzzle into her shoulder humming "yellow submarine" for remainder of the movie. Sheesh , I'm gonna have nightmares about this one.
O Brother, where art thou?- No, really. It's ten o' clock, do you know where your siblings are?
Miss Congeniality- I saw this. I thought it was funny. Laugh, laugh, cackle, cackle, yadda, yadda, but why is that there are all of these movies about the sudden transformation of "messy" girls? I'm a girl, I wouldn't wanna be in a beauty pageant. If I was an FBI agent I probably wouldn't mind it too much, but, alas, I'm not. (Big surprise there.) What happens to me if I want to become beautiful over night? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. But see, that's funny.
Bounce- I like it when balls go up and down and are all bouncy and stuff. If I was a movie, I'd want to bounce, too.
Keeping the Faith- To keep it would mean you would have had to lose it. They didn't lose their faith, they're a priest and a rabbi for Christ's sake! I can't find something with out losing it first. They were just talking about how the guy had to keep faith in other people. It's not losing it if he never had it. *Gasp!* False advertising! (Sheesh. I need to get a life.)
Face/Off- You know why this title is funny? 'Cause the movie is about people losing their faces AND having a typical "face off" in the process. If the movie didn't suck I'd say it was clever.
Chasing Amy- I think I left the room more for this movie than I stayed. It was disturbing, to say the least....
A I- Alleged inhalants. Tisk tisk on supporting the drug world. Inhalants cause liver and kidney damage, kill your brain cells, and can cause fatal injuries all in one sniffing. I lay my head in shame for their support.