May 21, 2000
I am sitting here this morning thinking back over the last several years. It is amazing what can happen in a week, much less several years.
I have now been married twice...trying to conform to what "everyone else" thought was "right" for me. I have also been divorced twice now! So much for what "everyone else" thinks, huh?! I remember when I was about 9...falling in "puppy love" with my third grade teacher (female, of course). Back then, "Charlie's Angels" was my favorite show (no accounting for the taste of a 9 year old)! But...I knew...even then. Women are beautiful.
Got in an "argument" last night online with some really religious chick. You know the whole crock of shit about sin...although...of course, SHE was forgiven...I, on the other hand, lesbo that I am, will be damned to hell by this "loving" God for loving women. I always thought God was the One who made me! Hmmm. People like that, really piss me off. Perhaps, I should have stayed married and been horribly miserable for the rest of my life? Yeah....that's it. I think I should have suggested to HER to go marry a woman....and then to STAY married to that woman for the rest of her life. She would have been miserable, but....oh, well.
I am somewhat bitter towards people who think they have the right to tell others how to live. I would not be so arrogant as to tell them how to live.
Must go get more coffee.
I simply cannot understand why people cannot at least attempt to understand those who are different from them. I mean, how incredibly boring the world would be if everyone were the same. If that was your wish...I would hope it would be granted, just for one day, so you could see how awful it would truly be. It would be a rainbow with one color, a one-dimensional, flat, lifeless existence with no vibrance or brilliance or power. I do not want that.
Perhaps throughout my life, I have even put some effort into non-conformity. I do not want to fit anyone's "mold". I am an individual...with my own unique self to contribute to the greater picture. Perhaps one day, I will find out I did things wrong. Perhaps one day, I will find out that I tried my best, and failed. But what matters, is that I tried.
In two days, I will be 37 years old. It seems impossible. I remember thinking that was so old...back when I was a teenager. I thought people in their thirties were just ancient.
I feel like such a vulnerable child sometimes. The older I get, the less I seem to know. I am vulnerable, yes, but also more confident...a strange paradox. The vulnerability comes from finally recognizing my mortality. The confidence comes from finally knowing more of who I truly am in this world.
For some reason, 37 seems surreal to me. It's an odd age. I mean, I have passed my mid-thirties, on my way to 40, excited about what that means, and yet scared. Scared of what? I'm not too sure. Scared of being alone, scared of being unsuccessful, scared of not being the best mother I can be, scared of....of just changing.
Once again, I will tip toe to the coffee pot...careful not to wake my son, who has fallen asleep on the couch. He's so small and peaceful in his sleep. When he is awake, it is easy to forget how little he is still.
This is a time of reflection for me....time to clean the mirrors again.
Well, this has been the day from hell! Woke up this morning to my 19 year old roommate's ex-boyfriend-to-be screaming obscenities due to the fact that he came over and went upstairs only to find her in bed with another "man"....if that's what you would CALL these children she "dates". She doesn't understand WHY he would be angry enough to be threatening to break all of her car windows out. Hmmm.
I just want to sit here at my computer and write...that's all...to build my websites in peace and quiet and to mind my own business. I just cannot seem to make that happen.
Sometime between now and August, I will be moving, however (our lease together is up), and I will be taking care of my 88 year old grandmother (who does not have "boyfriends" over in the middle of the night...or ANYtime, for that matter). Meme (my grandmother) also does not get drunk, fall down, get traffic tickets, or ask me to come get her out of jail at midnight. It should prove to be a vacation compared to this.
Oh, don't get me wrong...I love Nicole. I am just getting WAY to old for this shit. And...I have a 10 year old son, who will only BE a PRE-teen for a few more years. I need the time to rest up before THAT happens.
I heard of something new today..."blogging"....guess that is THIS! I always thought it was journaling! I am so behind the times. Tomorrow I will be 37 and I am feeling it TODAY.
(Later on I found out that what I do, by some, is NOT considered to be blogging...but I will call it whatever I damn well please! I think that attitude ALONE may qualify me as a "blogger".}
There are days when you just feel the sun setting...the closing of a chapter...the last sentence of the essay... I come to this place at least once every year. I am at the twilight of it this moment. You know...the long stares into space as you reflect on your significance....and your insignificance.
Say hello to what I used to call "middle-aged". It is not a bad thing. It is a place of confusion and revelation, of fear and stability, of quiet and chaos...it is a new and strange plateau from which to look out across one's life. I do not like all that I see, but I know it was all necessary to bring me to this higher place on the side of this ethereal mountain.
I have a very long way to go...
Much climbing ahead...
Better buy some new hiking boots.
Well, my birthday came and went without too much trauma. I actually had a wonderful day with my love, Vicki. She is such a precious gift. I remember being without her in my life before, but I cannot imagine it now.
She took me to Applebee's, we came back home and raced to the bedroom (woohoo!), and then she took me out and got me my first graphics software...PhotoImpact5! I am so excited to be using it now! There is an example of what I have done on my Midi Downloads page. Well, the page I plan on creating soon for midis will have one of my own graphics on it! Isn't that exciting?
I met a wonderful new friend and mentor online last week. Her name is Susan Hoffman. We have been corresponding almost daily and she has helped me and encouraged me immensely. I have a deep need and desire to CREATE. I have always had a passion for all things creative, but now, at 37, it has become vitally important to me for some reason.
Found out that my mother had a bad pap smear last week. She goes in mid-June for more testing. I am worried about that. My mother and I are very close. I cannot imagine having to deal with her having cancer. The doctor said there was dysplasia. Those are pre-cancerous cells on her cervix, I believe. I am totally ignorant about this sort of thing, so if any of you know more than I do (which would be most of you) let me know. I will keep you updated.
My ex-husband and I are going out to get my birthday present (from him) today. Yes, I know, it's amazing....we are still very good friends. He wants to buy me new stereo speakers for my computer...these are old and sad. My son is also wanting to go and talk Dad out of some game software of some sort, of course! At 10, he is about as computer "geeky" as his old mom! Scary! He has built his first website (it's so cute)! It's called Music Madness and he's pretty proud of it. It's his first attempt. Check it out and send him some encouraging email! Well, I must go shower now. My coffee has gotten cold and I am getting hungry...the caffeine is eating a hole in my stomach! Will get back with you all soon!
Please be sure to email me anytime with your comments or suggestions. I am just learning here and love to hear from all of you!
And a note to end on:
