Rules Changed From Last Year:
1.) When playing the Polio patients, Leafs must not disconnect the leg braces of opposing players.
2.) When playing th girl scouts, Leafs must not eat their cookies.
3.) When playing the Blind Academy, Leafs must not hide the
puck under their jerseys.
4.) When playing the Amputies, Leafs must not file any protests
about players with 1 leg being harder to body check.
5.) When playing the Canadiens Oldtimers, Habs will not be
allowed to use curved sticks or helmets.
2.) Time-Outs allowed- Leafs 20; Opponets 3.
3.) The Leafs will be allowed 12 men on the ice at all times.
4.) The Leafs will be awarded a penalty shot for each time they
cross the opposing blueline.
5.) The owner will be allowed to enter the dressing room at the
end of the season to console his players by reading the standing with the newspaper upside-down.
Name Change:
As of Jan 1999, The Toronto Maple leafs will be called the
Toronto Tampons, as they are only good for one period and don't have a second string.
Coaching Change:
If you wanna Email Me about this then go right ahead!!
Simple vs. Real
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A simple friend seeks to hear about your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic
history.
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A simple friend expects you to always be there
for them.
Why do little boys whine?
Why do only l0% of men make it to heaven?
Why do men like smart women?
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
How do men exercise on the beach?
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What did God say after creating man?
What do you call a man with half a brain?
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
What should you give a man who has everything?
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Why are dumb blonde jokes one liners?
Why did God create man before woman?
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
God new what he was doing when He made women different then men. We need that difference to be able to do the many things that we do.
WOMEN have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
WOMEN wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend or relative after a snowy drive home.
WOMEN have special qualities about them. They volunteer for good causes. They are pink ladies in hospitals, they bring food to shut ins. They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They are in the front row at PTA meetings. They vote for the person that will do the best job for family issues.
WOMEN walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care. They write to the editor, their congressmen and to the "powers that be" for things that make for a better life. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
WOMEN stick a love note in their husband's lunch box. They do without new shoes so their children can have them. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally.
WOMEN are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power; but they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
WOMEN want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
WOMEN are happy (or cry) when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A WOMAN'S touch can cure any ailment. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. She can make a romantic evening
unforgettable.
WOMEN come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
WOMEN do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with. Women have a lot to say and a lot to give. The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, The figure that she carries, Or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, Because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, The passion that she shows, And the beauty of a woman With passing years-only grows!
Three blonde guys are stranded on one side of a wide river and don't know how to get across. The first blonde guy prays to God to make him smart enough to think of a way to cross the river. God turns him into a brown haired man, and he swam across. The second blonde guy prays to God to make him even smarter, so he can think of a better way to cross the river. God turns him into a red-haired man so, he builds a boat and rows across. The third blonde guy prays to God to make him the smartest of
all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.
Accurate Definitions
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes "look bigger."
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
This one is from my sister Sarah. Sarah sends me only the BEST
Little Mary was not the best student in
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an
"God Almighty !" shouted Mary and the
A while later the teacher asked Mary,
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question.
My friend Amanda (email Amanda). She gets the best emails.. anyways I loved this so I had to add it!! Enjoy...
How to Bathe a Cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet
water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him
towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet
and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid
so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to
the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any
thing they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides
a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and
ensure that there are no people between the toilet and
the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and
quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet,
and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
Mike Murphy will, effective immediatly, be replaced by Linda
Lovelace. She will no doubt blow a few, but she won't choke.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps
themself.
A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until
after you've had a fight.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!
My aunt sent this to me and I LOVED it!! All women will agree and maybe even some men but I doubt it!!
Because they are practicing to be men.
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Opposites attract.
We cook - they eat; we clean - they dirty ; we iron - they wrinkle.
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
ONE - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him.
I can do so much better.
Gifted.
Exchange him.
A woman to show him how to work it.
Put the remote control between his toes.
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
So men can understand them.
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your
masterpiece.
To stop the snoring before it starts.
This is a great comic drawing of the Backstreet Boys. I think its adorable!!
Ok my aunt sent me this and I think it is awesome and all women will like this and all men (or boys) will agree!!
Three Blonde Guys
Here is yet another foward from my aunt!! Where does she get all of these!!
male: The strap fastener on a bra.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
male:Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for
a weekend with the boys.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every
three minutes.
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
Sunday School. Usually she slept through
the class. One day the teacher called on her
while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who
created the universe?"
altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her,
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back
to sleep.
"Who is our Lord and Savior", But, Mary didn't
even stir from her slumber.
her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the
teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back to
sleep.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her
twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her
with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you
stick that damn thing in me one more time,
I'll break it in half!"
The Teacher fainted.
The DOG
Go See Page Two Of Junk
Back To K8's Home Page!!