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Get a Man!
TheSpark.com's handi-guide to
dating;a step-by-step guide for women
1. pick out a guy at work or at school.

2. flirt with him, talk dirty to him, smile at
him, and tell him that you'd like to know him better.

3. when he calls you on the phone, pretend you
don't know who he is. Say, "I won't date you ever,"
and hang up the phone.

4. call the police and have him arrested. flirt
with the police officers.

5. now that you're alone and bored on a Saturday,
do your hair. then the police.

6. file your nails.

7. wait for that first guy (your true love) to get out
of jail. buy a pretty dress. sleep with his best friend.

8. complain that men don't appreciate you.

9. go shopping.

PRESIDENTIAL SAVINGS PLAN

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later,Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his light on, then off, wipers on, then He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man,
Tonight I am the designated decoy!!!

One morning while making breakfast, Dr. Ralston walked up to his wife, pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning Dr. Ralston woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the crotch. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother."

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during theprocedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed,"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

"*clears throat* Hey. I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader... and I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although I'm certain they're really, really nice. I have a Prime Minister, not a President. I speak english and french, NOT american. and I pronouce it 'ABOUT',NOT 'A BOOT'. I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack. We have the best BEER in north America and we get our milk in bags. We believe in peace keeping, NOT policing. DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation, AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL. A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH, > AND IT IS PRONOUCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!! CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS! THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA! MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!"

What religion is your BRA?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy abra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next
to a priest.  The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn  coat pocket.  He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and
asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"  "Mister, it's caused
by loose living, being with  cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,
and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Wow," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.  The priest,
thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry,  I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How long
have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father.  I was just reading here that the Pope
does."

BR>As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by
a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm
him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats
around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of
an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired,
courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his
chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin
attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly,
"but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my
pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that
they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any
flight I choose."

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