I could see it up ahead and I couldn't breathe. I'd been running for two miles, but I wasn't out of breath due to that. All around, people standing, just standing. Before me was a scene that made my heart jump. One car in the north bound lanes with the front end totally demolished...A moving van in the south bound lanes with the front end smashed...A shell of a car that used to be a Lincoln, laying upside down on the median with a trail of parts leading from the first car to the van to where it lay resting. A Lincoln that I knew well...One that I had been in before...The Green's Lincoln.

"Jase" Escaped my lips.

Not 20 minutes before, I was sitting at home watching TV when the phone rang. The last words of the conversation rang in my ears.

"Yeah, we're about 5 miles from the city limits. I'll be home in about 15 minutes. Keep your butt at home cause do I got something to tell you...Wait until you hear this, you're...

He was cut off by,

"SCOTT LOOK OUT....

Followed by screams and a loud crash sound and then silence.

I had thrown the phone down and ran out to my car and started driving. I was dialing Jase's cell number all the way, but never got an answer. When I got about 3 miles out of town, traffic came to a dead stand still. I pulled over, got out and started running. I heard sirens all around, but I just kept running.

My eyes were now darting around. All around me people were standing pointing and talking about how the car had traveled as it went on it's final journey. I could also hear them talking about someone being driven away by the ambulance screaming. My eyes came to rest on the jumble of metal laying in the median ahead and started walking towards it. As I got closer, I started screaming for Jase. I was stopped by two police officers.

"Sir, you can't go any farther."

I tried to brush them off, still screaming Jase's name. The two officers pulled me down to the ground. In my ear, one of the officer's was telling me to calm down, but I was still calling out Jase's name.

"Calm down...Jase is OK. They took him to the hospital about 2 minutes ago. His injuries were not life threatening. He's OK."

It finally registered in my mind and I stopped yelling. The one officer told the other to go ahead and leave me with him and they both got off of me. He help me up, but as soon as I got to my feet, I saw the paramedics wheeling a sheet covered gurney towards an ambulance.

A few feet away were 3 other blanket covered mounds and the mangled remains of a Lincoln. The Green's car.

"No...No...No..." I repeated over and over, shaking my head as I started to walk forward, but the officer grabbed my arm.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to see them...I have too..."

I don't know why, but for some reason, I had to see what was under those blankets.

I looked at the officer straight in the eyes, pleading with him. His grip loosened. He asked me my name and who I was. I answered in a very low voice, barely audible above the buzzing of all the voices around.

"Stay right here, I'll be right back."

He walked away to a group of police officers, talked to them and walked back.

"Come with me."

We walked over to the ambulance and he told the paramedics to stop. He walked to the front and looked at me.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes...I have too."

He lifted the sheet and there was the sweet face of Jase's 15 year old tom boy sister. Her slightly bloodied face looked so pale, yet was discolored by bruises. She looked as if she was asleep. I could feel my heart beating fast and I had stopped breathing for a second. I gasped.

"Jessie"

A tear fell down my cheek as the image of her begging to go with me and Jase everywhere we went popped into my mind. I could hear her voice pleading with us.

"Pleeeease take me with you...I promise I won't embarrass you."

Her voice faded from my mind as the officer slowly covered her face back up and motioned for the paramedics to continue with their job. He walked toward the other blankets. I stood there not moving, but turned towards him.

"She was in the back seat, seated in the middle. Jase was in the rear seat passenger side. He wasn't wearing his seat belt and was thrown from the car. He had a few angels watching over him tonight."

He kneeled down and started to lift the blanket.

"She was in the front passenger seat."

As he lifted the blanket, I walked closer and fell to my knees. There under the blanket was the woman that had treated me like one of her own for the past 13 years. The woman that always greeted me with the biggest smile. The woman that I considered to be my second mother. My hand reached out as if to stroke her face, but I was too far to reach her. The whole right side of her face was cut up and bloody. As he replaced the blanket over her face, I wiped away the tears that were blurring my vision with my shaky hand.

"I don't think we should go on."

"NO." I yelled. "I need too....I have too."

He moved over and as he took the corner of the blanket into his hand, he hesitated and took a deep breath. His hand was shaking. I looked up at his face and the hard face of the police man I had seen before, melted into a young man in his mid twenties. His eyes were full of tears and he looked close to loosing any composure he had. He looked up at me and my heart fell at the sight of him. As soon as he saw the look on my face, he straighten himself and proceeded to lift the blanket.

"He...Um...he was in the rear seat, driver's side. That is the side that took the first hit. The car spun and then flipped over a few time until it came to rest in the path of the van. The van hit the driver side, sending the car flying to the point it is now." His voice was really shaky.

He slowly peeled away the blanket to reveal the mangled face of Todd, Jase's 24 year old brother. His face was unrecognizable, but I could tell it was him. I had every single one of his facial features memorized. He was my first crush and I could recognize that beautiful face even by what was left of it in front of me. Jase always teased me about my crush on Todd. Todd was oblivious to it all. He took my constant staring as a sign of admiration of a younger brother to an older.

I felt a wave of nausea sweep over me as I got up and ran quite a distance away and fell to my hands and knees and started vomiting. As I finished, I felt a hand rubbing my back.

"Are you OK?"

I nodded as I tried to stand. My legs felt weak and I stumbled. He grabbed my arms and help me to sit down.

"Sit here, I'll be right back."

I covered my face with my hands and a few moments later he returned.

"Here, take a drink."

He handed me a bottle of water. I rinsed out my mouth and looked up.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let you see that."

"It's ok...I just needed to see them."

"I'm not going to let you see the father. He ended up in very bad shape, you wouldn't recognize the him with the trauma to his upper body. I'm really sorry. These things shouldn't happen to such nice people."

I sat there looking down at the ground shaking my head.

"By the way, my name is David. Come on, I'll take you to the hospital."

He held out his hand to help me up. I rose, and I felt so dizzy. I couldn't think.

"Umm...I...My...My car. I need my car."

"Where is it?"

"Down the road a mile or two."

He led me to his squad car and we started to drive back to my car. I glanced up at his face again and he had this look of pure despair in his eyes. He looked worse than I felt, but I pushed it aside. I had too much on my mind as it was. I turned my head away from him and looked forward.

"That's it up there."

The traffic had backed up even farther and my car was totally blocked in.

"Shit."

"Don't worry about it. Watch."

He slowed and crossed the median and turned on his lights. He opened his window and started to motion with his arms telling the people to move their cars away from mine. It took a few minutes, but a path was cleared across the two lanes and I was able to pull my car out and follow him back across the median. I followed him to the hospital and parked my car. I sat there unmoving with my hands on the steering wheel.

A knock broke my trance. I looked up and it was David. I opened the door and walked behind him. He led me into the hospital and up to the desk.

"Excuse me, we're looking for a young man brought in from a car accident about 30 minutes ago."

"Are you a relative?"

"No."

"I'm his best friend. Is he OK?"

"Let me get a doctor for you."

I stood there watching the nurse walking down the hall and then closed my eyes and took a deep breath. David's hand came to rest on my shoulder and he started massaging my shoulder.

"He's fine. Don't worry."

I opened my eyes and smiled at him.

"Thanks David. But you really don't have to stay. I'll be fine. Thank you for all that you've done."

His expression turn to one of hurt and he looked down.

"It's not a problem, but I'm not leaving until I hear how Jase is."

He turned away from me and we stood in silence until the nurse came back followed by a doctor.

"Hello. I hear you are inquiring about Jase Green."

I nodded.

"Jase is in stable condition. He is suffering from two broken ribs, a broken left leg and a dislocated shoulder. Due to possible trauma to his head, we will be monitoring him closely over night. He was too excited when he came in so we had to put him under to treat his injuries. He is asleep still. From what I hear, he's a very lucky young man. The majority of people that get thrown from a car during an accident usually do not live to tell about it."

"Can I see him?"

"Are you a family member."

"No, but..."

"Excuse me doctor, Jase's family parished in the accident. This is the closest thing that Jase has to family."

"I'm sorry. I wasn't aware of that. Sure you can go in. He probably won't wake up for a while, but you are welcome to sit with him. He's in the room down that hall, fifth on the left."

He smiled at me, turned and walked back the way he had come.

I felt David's hand on my shoulder again.

"I'm going to leave now. I am so happy that he is going to be OK. Oh and, be strong...he's going to need it."

I turned and looked at him in the eyes. I could see the genuine concern in his eyes and I struck me that there was something else on his mind.

"I want to thank you for all that you have done David. You have gone above and beyond your duty and I appreciate it."

It's not a problem. I would do anything for..."

"For? Is there something you want to tell me?"

"Ummm no...Listen, I need to get going now. It was great meeting you Kyle. I just wish it was under better circumstances."

He reached out to shake my hand and I took it and pulled him into a hug.

"Thanks for everything David."

We broke apart and he gave me a slight smile and turned and walked out of the hospital. I watched him walking away sensing there was something more than I knew. My thoughts were interrupted by a nurse walking by with a wheelchair. I turned and started walking down the hall. I reached the room that the doctor had told me about and through the open door I could see him. He was laying in bed with a splint on his leg, his arm bandaged up and a IV line going into his arm. His face was bruised up and he had a neck brace on. I pulled a chair up to his bed side and sat down. I reached out my hand and took hold of his hand. I squeezed lightly, hoping to get some kind of reaction out of him. I could feel his movement from his hand and he lightly squeezed my hand back.

I looked up at his face and his eyes were slightly open and the corner of his mouth moved. He whispered "Kyle"

My name rang in my ear over and over as I popped straight up in bed. I was breathing hard and I could feel my heart racing. I could still hear Jase's voice saying my name in my head.

"What wrong babe?"

"Nothing Josh...go back to sleep."

His arm pulled me back down to the bed and he snuggled up against me.

"Bad dream?"

"Yeah."

He leaned over and kissed my shoulder as his hand moved up and came to rest on my chest.

"I need to call him." I said as I started to roll over.

"No you don't. It's just past midnight Kyle. Go back to sleep. They'll be over at 6 and you can talk to him then."

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him. I was on my side and he was spooned up against me.

"I'm just worried about him Josh. You know what tomorrow is and what he's like."

"Yeah, but we will be with him all week and Lance will be there too."

"I'm just hoping this year he will finally be over it."

"I do too. It's been 5 years and time has a way of easing the pain. A lot has happened in his life for the better. He realizes this and I'm sure everything will be fine from now on. Now go back to sleep."

He kissed my neck and pulled me closer to him. It felt so good to be in his arms. I closed my eyes and just feeling him with me and listening to him breathe was enough to bring sleep back to me.

"Kyle" His voice low and raspy spoke out as he tried to open his eyes from the drug induced sleep.

I squeezed his hand tighter.

"I'm here Jase."

"Wha...What happened?"

"You were in an accident."

He was silent for a few second with his eyes closed, then they popped wide open.

"Mom...Dad...Todd...Jessie...Where are they Kyle?"

"Not now Jase...you need your rest."

He grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled me forward.

"Tell me Kyle...now."

I stared into his intense eyes and then broke eye contact and dropped my head. I took hold of his hand and started to stroke it.

"No...Kyle...No..."

All I could do is nod my head. Tears were streaming down my cheek as I looked up at him. His eyes were wide open and he was shaking his head back and forth.

"Please Kyle..tell me you're lying Kyle...please...please."

"Jase...I'm so sorry."

He was staring into my eyes and his mouth was open like he was trying to speak. Then his eyes rolled up until I couldn't see his pupils. His body started to shake and he fell back onto the bed and went still.

"Jase...Jase..."

I shook his arm as I continued to say his name. I became aware of one of the machines hooked up to him was beeping loudly as the door opened and a nurse came in. She walked over to the machine, pressed the button and readjusted a wire leading to a pad on his chest.

"Is he OK?"

"Yeah, he's fine. When he wakes up again, try to keep him calm. He is on a high dose of pain killers and he needs his rest."

She placed her hand on my shoulder.

"He'll be fine."

She said as she smiled down at me.

"He was lucky." She said as she left the room.

The door shut quietly and the light from the hallway disappeared. Jase lay there unmoving. His chest moved up and down with his breathing as the machines in the room hummed softly. I leaned back in the chair next to the bed and my eyes slowly closed.

I opened my eyes to the darkness of the room. The only light was from the digital alarm clock and the flashing 12:00 on the VCR. One of us really needs to set that. I could feel Josh's breath on my neck and his arm was draped over me. It was 1:03 am and the house was silent. My gaze rested on the phone and I was willing my hand to reach out to it and call Jase just to make sure everything was OK. Josh's arm moved off of me as he repositioned himself behind me.

What Josh had said to me earlier came back to me as I turned over and stared at Josh's sleeping face. I thought back to the day I met Josh. How he had come into the restaurant where I worked. The guys were seated at one of my tables and I was in shock when I went to wait on them. Not because of who they were, but because when I walked up to the table, Josh looked up at me and our eyes made contact. I was in awe of his beauty. I had to walk away into the drink station to take a deep breathe before returning to take their orders.

I was able to keep my head about me through their dinner. I actually heard them talking about me once as I walked up and when I scanned the table, Josh's face was completely red. I gave them their check and when I returned, Lance handed me the check billfold with a huge smile on his face.

"Do you need change?"

Lance looked at me and then a Josh.

"He's good...right Josh?"

I looked over at Josh and his face was dark red as he got up and walked away quickly. The rest of the guys glared at Lance and got up and left. Lance looked at me and shrugged, then followed the others out. I opened up the billfold and with their $93.50 check was two one hundred dollar bills and a slip of paper with JSC76@hotmail.com written on it.

That started a 6 month e-mail relationship with Josh which led to my moving to Orlando to be near to him. I convinced Jase to move out there a month later. Five months after that, I moved in with Josh and a year later, here we were. He was the love of my life and I had never loved anyone as much as I loved him. I wish people could see the real Josh. Not JC of Nsync, but Josh. Most of what people have heard of him is true, but he is more than that. He is the most loving, romantic man that I have ever known. I just wish I didn't have to share him with the rest of the world. I hated that he had to be out on tour. But he is doing the thing that he was meant to do...What he loved to do and I would never stand in the way of that. It doesn't even bother me that I can not be a part of his public life. That is not me. I'm a total home body. You would think that I would hate the fact that he has to be seen with a pretty young lady on his arm for a cover. Nope, cause I know when all is said and done, he will be in my arms...kissing my lips... making love with me.

My eyes grew heavy thinking of Josh and listening to him snore lightly. I never thought that I could ever get used to his snoring. I usually need total silence to sleep, but now it like warm milk to me. Slowly my eyes closed and I drifted off to sleep.

"Ummmllo?" I said with my eyes still closed and the phone not even up to my face.

"Kyle I can't take it any more...I can't"

"Jase? It 2:30 in the morning. What are you talking about?"

"Kyle, I'm so alone. It's too quiet. I can't take it anymore."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Alone? Who the hell am I? And David? He's been there for you too. We love you Jase."

"It just hurts so much...so much."

"Jase...What is wrong? You don't sound right."

"It's all gone. No more. Empty...No more worries. Nothing."

"What's all gone."

"You know it was two years ago don't you Kyle. Two lonely years today. Thanks you for being so nice to me the first year Kyle. You are the reason why I made it through that year. But no more Kyle. I'm not your problem any more. Thanks Kyle...for everything."

"Jase? .....JASE...Talk to me Jase. What are you saying? I don't understand. Please Jase. Talk to me."

All I could hear was him humming to some song on the other end of the phone and then a click. He had hung up the phone. My mind was racing. And then one thing popped into my mind. His pills. He had picked up a prescription for some Halcion to help him sleep. I dialed 911 as I searched around for my cell phone and dialed Jase's number. No answer.

I gave the information to the emergency operator, grabbed my keys and ran out of the house dressed in my boxers and t-shirt. While driving over to Jase's house, I called David and told him what was happening. When I got to Jase's house, the paramedics had just arrived. I ran up and opened the door. I ran up to Jase's room and there laying on his bed was Jase with the empty medicine bottle in his hand. The paramedic's pushed me aside and started to check on him. They were yelling out questions for me and I guess I answered them.

The scene was a blur. They had him on a stretcher like thing and down stairs and into the ambulance before I even knew what was happening. I blindly followed them. As I watched the ambulance drive away, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Come on Kyle, lets go to the hospital."

I turned around and there was David. I collapsed into his arms crying.

"It'll be Ok Kyle, don't worry. We've pulled him this far, he's not going to get away that easily. He walked me to his car and put me inside. His voice was so soothing. All those years working as a police man had taught him to be calm in tough situations. He got into the driver's seat and started driving to the hospital. I looked up at him and remembered the day that I had met him. That fucked up day when Jase lost his whole family and, as it turned out, the day that David had lost the most important person in his life too.

The day of the funeral flashed in my mind. That dreary wet day that was the most emotionally draining of my life so far. I had Jase at my side with his body bandaged up. And then there was the biggest surprise of my life. Right in the middle of the ceremony, David the police man I had met the day of the accident, walked in and walked up to the coffin that contained Todd and collapse on top of it crying. Imagine the what thoughts went through everyone's mind when a police man dressed in his finest walked up to a coffin, that up to that moment contained the body of a young heterosexual man, and showed the most public scene of pure love that could be seen from one man to another. Jase later told me that was what he was talking about on the phone when the accident happened. He had found out that Todd was gay and had a boyfriend.

David had become a like a big brother to both Jase and I and was there whenever either of us needed someone to talk too. He had quit the police force and had fallen back on his minor at college and became a counselor at a youth program. He focussed his attention on helping young gay men.

We arrived at the hospital and walked in. It was almost like the scene that happened two years prior. When the doctor finally came out to talk to us, he told us that they had pumped Jase's stomach and he was going to be fine. He told us that Jase would be released after as psychriatric evaluation the following day.

We spent the rest of the night sitting next to Jase's bed talking. I fell in love with David that night. The next day, Jase was release after he was found to be some what of sound mind. He was set up to start counseling sessions the following Monday. David and I stayed up the whole following day with him. That night, after we were sure Jase was asleep, I collapsed onto Todd's bed and was out. I woke a few minute later with the feeling of someone crawling into bed with me. It was David. I turned to him and he started to kiss me. When we broke the kiss and I looked in his eyes, something inside of me broke loose. Our movements were a blur as we stripped off our clothes. We were kissing again, exploring each other with our hands. We made love to each other. It was fast, slow, hard, soft, painful, tender, awkward, graceful and the most wonderful thing that I had ever felt in my life up to that point.

I collapsed on top of him with my head laying beside his. His hard gasping breaths were echoing in my ear and driving me crazy with lust. I heard him swallow air once loudly, then...

"I love you Todd."

Rang in my ears. My heart dropped as the words registered in my mind. I jumped up and ran into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I got in even though the water was still cold and started to scrub my body clean. I felt so dirty. I was in Todd's bed, making love with Todd's boyfriend. I fell to the bottom of the shower crying. I heard the shower door open and the water stop. I felt two strong arms pick me up and carry me back to the bed. I was still crying as he dried me off with a towel. He pulled me up into a hug, and I could hear him crying too.

"I'm sorry Kyle...Please forgive me...please. I love you, I do. But I guess I'm still not ready to let him go."

I looked up at him and through my blurry tired eyes, I saw a confused man. My hand went behind his head and pulled him into a kiss. Our tongue worked hard against each other and then all of a sudden both came to a stop. We broke apart and looked at each other in the eyes. In the silence, our hearts came to an unspoken agreement. He stood up, took the blankets and gently covered me. He leaned down and kissed me on the lips for the last time and left the room. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I pulled the pillow into a hug and curled into a fetal position. My mind was spinning but I felt at peace.

In those two nights I had learned that love is everlasting and nothing could change that fact.

I sighed and opened my eyes. The clock read 3:18 and all I could hear was Josh's rhythmic snoring. Love is everlasting and that fact is clearer to me than ever. If I lost Josh, I would be lost too. All that was in David's heart for Todd was in mine for Josh.

David and I never talked about that night after that, nor did we ever tell Jase what happened. I did tell Josh about it and he told me that if it was possible, he loved me even more after I told him.

I got up and went to the bathroom, then crawled back into bed. Josh didn't even move. God he was such a sound sleeper. I guess you have to be to be able to sleep in all the different places and times that he did while on the road. I was so happy when he told me that they would be off for these two week. Not that I would have a problem being with Jase all by myself, but having Josh and Lance there would just make the whole thing so much more fun. And at this time of year, fun is what Jase needed to keep his mind off of things.

I kissed his shoulder and closed my eyes again, hoping that I would be able to sleep the rest of the night through without any more dreams. I knew that would not be the case as sleep overtook me.

"Why do you care at all Kyle?"

"Cause I love you Jase. You and I...friends forever. Remember that promise?"

"Come on, we were stupid kids back then. It meant nothing."

"It meant something to me Jase Green. You are the closest thing to a brother I have. I would be here for you even if you hated my guts."

"I don't deserve a friend like you. If you were smart, you would run...run far away and let fate take it's course. I cheated death and sooner or later death will come claim what he was cheated out of."

"I will not let death claim you until you are suppose to go. You did not cheat death Jase. You were not meant to die that day. You have a task on this earth that is not yet complete. So quit thinking like that. Get your ass up and live like you are suppose to live. Do you think your family would want you thinking like that. They would die another death if you did not live the rest of your long life with happiness and joy."

"I can't do it Kyle. I can't. My thoughts are on that night every second of the day. It haunts my thoughts during the day and my dreams at night. I'm tired. Just too tired to continue."

"That is what you thought last year and you lived though this year just fine. It was hard, but you did it. You can do the same this coming year. It's been three years now Jase, it's time to move on. You're family would want that."

"Go off and live your life Kyle. God...I can see things happening in the future between you and your internet pal. I can see it in your eyes when you talk about him. You don't need me in your life to drag you down. Be free Kyle, I will not be your anchor."

"Jase, I will never leave your side. Even when I'm away from you, I'm always here for you. I will see you as happy as I am when I talk with Josh. Happiness is out there for you, you just have to get off your ass and look around for it."

"I don't deserve happiness. I am nothing and deserve such. Run Kyle, run far away. Live your life happy and free from me."

He was laying on the floor at my feet with his arm covering his eyes. I got down on the floor and took his head into my lap and started to stroke his hair.

"I am happy Jase. I am happy that you are in my life and that you'll continue to be a part of my life. I love you Jase and I will never let you give up. Never."

His arms went around my waist and he sobbed lightly in my lap. We sat there in silence until he fell asleep where he was, followed by me. We spent that whole night...that 3rd anniversary night in that same awkward position.

My eyes opened to the morning. I could still hear that Josh was asleep next to me. There was a knock at the door and Jase stuck his head in.

"Kyle are you up?" He whispered into the room.

"Yeah" I whispered back as I got out of bed and walked to the door.

I slipped out of the room and closed the door quietly behind me. I followed Jase out to the kitchen of the cabin. He started to make a pot of coffee and I sat down.

"You two are amazing together. You seem so much in love. I can't believe that you are with him. It still blows my mind."

"I can't believe it either. I love him so much though and I know this is it...he's the one."

"I don't know why you made me come. You guys need all the time you can get to be alone. He's so busy, it's not fair that you have to babysit me."

"No worries Jase, Josh understands. Plus, I would never want you to be alone at this time of year."

"Thanks Kyle. I know it's been 4 years now, but it still hurts so much. You've been here for me so much since that day. I don't think I can ever repay you for that."

"Come on Jase, you moved out to Orlando for me. You don't even know how lonely I was here by myself. Having you out here with me is the best thing that I could imagine."

"I needed a change Kyle, I did it more for myself than for you. Living in that house just keep it so fresh in my mind...all the memories."

"You don't mind that you are living alone now do you. We just felt we were ready to take this to the next step."

"Not at all. I'm a big boy now Kyle. Plus I've lived alone for the past 4 years. You moving in with Josh is great. You're too much of a pain in my ass for us to live together."

The coffee finished and he poured two cups and brought them to the table. He sat down across from me and we sat there in silence drinking our coffee.

"You know, I still have thoughts of ending it all."

"Come on Jase...Where is that coming from?"

"I don't know. It always there, just under the surface of my reality. always waving to get my attention. I just don't see myself as part of the plan. Just wasting space that should be reserved for someone that matters...someone who was meant to be here."

"Are you ever going to get it through that thick skull of yours that you matter. That there was a reason that you survived that accident. That if all you say is true, you would have died four years ago today. You should be enjoying your life, living it to the fullest, instead of sulking and thinking of all the ways to end it all."

"You talk as if there is a tomorrow. That some how, one day I will wake up and the world will be sunny for me. That all my pain will go away. It hasn't yet Kyle, it never will."

"You never give life a chance. Have you ever seen the way Lance looks at you Jase. Have you ever thought about giving him a chance. He's as lonely as you are and you are the only one that Josh has ever seen him show any kind of interest in. I see you blushing Jase Green. You know damn well what I'm talking about. Don't think the looks you give him haven't gone unnoticed."

"Shut up."

"Good morning."

Josh said as he entered the kitchen. He walked over to me, leaned down and gave me a kiss.

"Mmmm Good morning hun."

"Morning Josh."

"So, what got you two up so early?"

"Just talking."

"Cool...any coffee left?"

"Course."

"Watch out hun, Jase makes tar."

"Mmmmm coffee." He said as he poured himself a cup.

"Hey hun...What do you say when we get back to town, you invite Lance out for a double date?"

"You serious?....He'll flip. He's always talking about you Jase. But he's too much of a fuckin chicken shit to ask you out."

"You two are such assholes. Did you two pull this shit with Lance too?"

Josh sat down next to me and leaned up against my shoulder.

"Who us?"

"Nice innocent act Josh. I bet that look with the puppy dog eyes has gotten you out of a lot of shit in your life."

He smiled at Jase with this amazing sparkle in his eyes.

"Yep."

"Haha...Not. Jase, the key is to watch his left ear. When you see it twitch, watch your head cause the bull shit will be flyin' by."

"It does not."

"Oh my god...you're right."

"OK...I'm going to take a shower now, before all my secrets come pouring out."

Josh stood up, drained his coffee cup in one big gulp and then took it to the sink. He walked back, leaned down and gave me a quick kiss.

"So biking, hiking or lounging on the deck?"

"I'm going to lounge...you and Kyle should do something together. This is your vacation, you should enjoy it. Not sit around and babysit me...I'll be fine."

Josh smiled at him.

"It's OK Jase. We're fine."

He turned and started walking out the door.

"But, if you really want to give us some time alone, I can always call Lance and have him come up here and keep you company."

"Grrrrr you two are assholes, you know that right?"

"Hey we speak the truth."

Jase smiled at me, got up and walked over behind me. He wrapped his arms around my neck and whispered in my ear.

"Thank you for everything Kyle. I love you always...Remember that."

Then he kissed me on the cheek. The kiss felt so cold. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. A shiver ran though my body as he lifted his arms off of me. I felt my heart racing as his words echoed through my ears as I opened my eyes.

"....Remember that."

The darkness seemed darker and the room felt so cold. Jase's voice continued to echo in my head as I became aware that my whole body was shaking. I jumped as Josh's hand touched me.

"Kyle what's wrong? You're shaking. Are you all right?"

He lifted the covers over me and pulled me close to him. His warm body felt so good. I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled up against him. Tears were falling involuntarily down my cheek as I absentmindedly stroked his bare chest with my hand.

"I don't know Josh...I just got this feeling you know...like something isn't right. I think I should call him."

He leaned his head over and kissed my temple.

"Everything is fine Kyle. It's 4:20 and he'll be over soon. Don't worry so much. Now close your eyes and get some more sleep."

I looked up into his warm soft eyes and I moved up on the bed. I grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him into a kiss. Our tongues worked hard against each other as I felt his strong hands on my back. I broke lip contact and kissed across his cheek to his ear.

"I love you Josh." I whispered into his ear.

I settled back into the bed and snuggled back up against him. He pulled me close and held me tightly. I felt so safe, so secure in his arms. The same as I felt since the first time he ever took me in his arms and held me. He was running his finger lightly over my arm and after a few minutes, our breathing was in perfect rhythm with each other. My eyes closed and the last thing I heard was Josh whispering "Ditto" to me as darkness took over mind.

I opened my eyes to a room lit only by the glow of morning. When I glanced at the clock, it was 2 minutes before it was to go off. I turned it off so I wouldn't have to hear that annoying buzzing sound it made. It didn't annoy Josh, cause the stupid thing wasn't enough to wake him up. That was my fun job, which I enjoyed more than Lance, who got the job when they were on tour.

I rolled over and took a few seconds to look at the man I loved. Who would've thought that I would've been lucky enough to ever be as happy as I am with someone like Josh. I smiled to myself and leaned close to his ear.

"Josh....Hun...it's time to get up." I knew that wasn't going to work, but I always seem to do it any ways.

"Josh baby." I said a little louder, leaning down to kiss him. His lips woke up and I got a kiss back, but he was still asleep.

"Joooooooooooosh....JOSH....WAKE UP JOSH."

"Huh...What?"

As he opened his eyes slowly, I leaned down and kissed him again. As our lips parted, I keep my lips close to his, breathing in every breath he took. We stayed there looking into each other's eyes.

"What?"

"Time to get up Babe."

"Is that it?"

I smiled.

"Should there be more?"

"I could think of something that could be fun, but you would have to climb back under the covers with me."

I kissed him again and then broke away again as before.

"Sound like something that I would really enjoy."

"Well?"

"Well what? You know Lance and Jase will be over soon and you really need to get up and brush your teeth or gargle."

He grabbed the back of my head and pulled me into another kiss.

"I don't hear you complaining a whole lot about my breath when we kiss."

"Mmmmm If I ever do, take me out back and put me out of my misery."

He pulled me close to him and I snuggled up against him, resting my head on his shoulder.

"Come on, get up...You know how Lance is about schedules and all. God how did someone so young get to be so anal?"

I smiled as he playfully hit my head with his hand.

"Be nice...But you know, I wish we never introduced them to each other. We never get to do anything alone anymore."

"Come on Josh, they make a great couple. I've never seen either of them as happy as they are when they are together. Jase deserves some happiness in his life and Lance gives him that. Plus, you know Jase needs me around during this time of year."

"Can't I be a little selfish for us...I know Jase has had it tough and I wouldn't wish what he's gone through on my worst enemy. But come on, Lance should be able to handle the situation...I was just thinking it would be great if we got some alone time this week up at the cabin."

I raised myself up and looked him in the eyes.

"Did I ever tell you how much I love you? Cause if not, I'm a damn fool."

I kissed him on the tip of his nose and then sat up. I grabbed his hand and started to pull him up. He sat up and I let go of his hand. He stretched and yawned and I got off the bed and walked over to finish packing our stuff. As I reached the suitcase, the phone rang and Josh picked it up.

"Hello"

"Lance...Lance....calm down...Lance...I can't understand what you are saying...LANCE CALM DOWN."

Josh looked at me with his eyes wider than I have ever seen and then all of a sudden, he broke eye contact and looked down at the ground. I could see his eyes starting to tear up. I walked back to the bed and sat down next to Josh.

"Ok.....Ok...We'll be right over."

Josh hung up the phone and turned to me with a look of pure shock on his face, as tears filled his eyes and fell down his cheeks.

"What?"

"Kyle...Lance went to pick up Jase and when he got there, he didn't get an answer when he knocked. He heard a noise coming from the garage...Kyle...he found Jase in the garage with the car running. There was a hose going from the car exhaust to the inside the car."

"No." Escaped my lips as I sat there staring into Josh's eyes shaking my head.

"The paramedics couldn't revive him. He's killed himself Kyle."

He grabbed hold of me and pulled me into a hug. I sat there in his arms unmoving. I don't remember when I actually stopped hearing what Josh was saying, but I know I did.

I sat there shaking my head back and forth as he pulled me into a tight hug. I buried my face in his chest and I could feel him rocking me back and forth. A muffled scream came out from deep within me.

"JASE..........."

Onto Chapter Two