Chapter 27...

Fei stopped hesitantly in front of Quin’s hospital door. He opened the door slowly and saw Quin crying. Sorrow welled up in Fei as he stepped in the room. He walked to her bedside and eased himself into the chair beside the bed. He took her hand in his.

Fei: Kwan.

Quin immediately threw her arms around Fei, sobbing heart-breakingly. Fei held her tightly, determined not to cry. He had to stay strong, for Quin’s sake.

Quin: (sobbing) Fei…my baby…our baby…

Fei stroke her hair, not saying anything.

Quin: Why? Why did He have to take my baby from me? If I had done something wrong and He wanted to punish me, just punish me!! Why did He take my baby? It was innocent! (in a whisper) It was innocent…

Fei could nothing to comfort Quin in her immense grief, except to hold her.

“You are under arrest…”

“Murderer…murderer…murderer…you’re a murderer…”

Man flew through a kaleidoscope of images. Suddenly, she found herself in a cell. The women prison inmates around her were laughing.

“Didn’t know you had it in you, honey…last time you were merely assisting in the murder of that cop…”

“Wow…you actually murdered the guy this time…”

“Murderer…murderer…murderer…you’re a murderer…”

Man cried out.

“No…no…I’m not…I’m NOT…NOOOO…”

Man: AHHHH…NOOO…

Man sat straight up on her bed, her heart beating wildly. Sweat poured down her back and face. She sank back down on her pillows, tears welling up in her eyes. It had already been two weeks. Two long weeks. Fourteen long nights of complete hell. How much longer can I take this? I’m going to go crazy if it goes on like this! Man got up weakly from her bed, pulling on a dressing gown and shuffling her feet into a pair of bedroom slippers.

She dragged herself into the kitchen and fixed herself a cup of hot, strong coffee. She sipped the drink gratefully, feeling the caffeine calming her a little, just a little. Briefly, she wondered about Quin. Man knew that Quin didn’t return home last night.Probably off somewhere with Fei. Man sighed. Quin’s so lucky. She had Fei who loves her completely. And me? Man set down her coffee cup on the Formica counter top. I thought he loves me…but…To Man, it was devastatingly clear that Chi San didn’t love her as much as she had thought. If he loves me, he would never have doubted me.

The recurring nightmares were all of Chi San, Chi San abandoning her, Chi San laughing at her, Chi San arresting her, Chi San accusing her, and the sentence that broke her heart, repeating like a broken record player in her dreams…I can ensure you’ll get a lighter jail sentence if you confessed…if you confessed…if you confessed…

Man covered her ears with her hands angrily, trying to stop the mocking, monotonous chant going through her head.

If you confessed…confessed…

Chi San claimed that he meant well. Well? Man laughed bitterly. This just proves how much he really understands me. She didn’t have the heart even to see him. It would just shatter her already shattered heart into even smaller pieces. She didn’t even want to reconcile with him. What was the use? What was love without trust? One heartbreak after another. First it was Dad. Then Tong Sum. Always Tong Sum. And now this. How many times more is Kong Chi San going to break my heart? I’m so tired. I’m so damn tired of all this. I just want to sleep, want to rest, want to tear myself away from all this.

Without even thinking twice, Man reached for the bottle of sleeping pills on the kitchen cabinet and popped four pills into her mouth.

Fei stared at the doctor, his throat constricting.

Fei: What do you mean, chances of conceiving are extremely slim? Is she barren?

Doctor: Mr.Tsui…
(Agitated, Fei jumped up, knocking over his chair.)

Fei: (his voice rising) Is that what you’re telling me? She’s barren?

Doctor: (sharply) Mr.Tsui, this is a hospital! Calm yourself and listen to me!

Fei breathed hard, trying to control his emotions. Calm down. One, two, three…ten. Fei picked up the fallen chair and settled into it. He clenched and unclenched his fists. He never felt so panicked in his life. His only concern was Quin. If she knew…

Doctor: (picking up a file) Apparently, Miss Mo is not as robust as she looks. She had a low sugar count in her blood cells, not enough even to supply herself, much less to say to a baby. It would be dangerous to her health if she got pregnant. To put it shortly, it is not advisable for her to get pregnant.

Fei: (urgently) What can we do to rectify this? Tell me, what?!?

Doctor: I will be prescribing a kind of glucose supplement pill for her. And she has to look after her diet. And as I have already explained to you earlier, the chances of her conceiving are also very slim. Now, I’m not saying that she is barren, Mr.Tsui, as she is not. But you have to understand the situation now, especially since Miss Mo had suffered a miscarriage. If she is ever to get pregnant, she has to be very, very careful. You have to look after her well. Or else, she might lose her baby and get herself killed as well.

Fei slumped into his chair in despair. What am I going to tell Kwan? Should I even tell her? I know this is going to kill her.

Doctor: (sympathetically) Nothing is impossible, Mr.Tsui. Keep an open mind. Medical technology is getting more and more advanced nowadays.

Fei could only nod despairingly. Neither he nor the doctor noticed Quin standing by the door, which was opened to a small gap. Quin’s face was as pale as a ghost as she heard every word of the conversation between Fei and her doctor. Choking back painful tears, Quin turned at fled back to her room.

Chi San parked his car and retrieved the bouquet of cream-colored roses from the back of his BMW convertible. I hope she’ll like these. Getting out of his car, Chi San shut the door and locked it. Determinedly, he began to climb the many steps leading to his destination.

After 10 minutes, Chi San reached his destination. Do I have to courage to face her? He felt so guilty, so horribly guilty. He had vowed to take care of Man forever, to love her and not to hurt her, but he had broken his promise and shattered her heart. His step faltered. Shame. Yes, that was what he was feeling besides immense guilt. Shame. Hot, burning shame.

Chi San slowly approached Tong Sum’s grave. As always, he set down the flowers. He took out a handkerchief and wiped Tong Sum’s picture. He bowed his head.

Chi San: Tong Sum, I have failed you. I am a total and complete idiot. I promised you that I’ll take good care of Man, but I have hurt her again. I’ve let her down, let you down, let myself down.
(Tong Sum’s picture stared back at him. Chi San sat down beside the grave and touched her picture.)

Chi San: I didn’t meant to accuse her like that. But…I am a policeman. I do my job based on evidence…and the evidence against Man was undeniably damaging. I just thought I’d make sure. I never thought that it would do this much damage. I never thought she’d react the way she did.
(Chi San looked at Tong Sum’s picture intently, as if imploring her to answer him.)

Chi San: Was I wrong? Was I totally and completely in the wrong? Man…she…she didn’t come clean with me either about her and Josh’s relationship. Tong Sum, you would know what to do. I wish you would tell me what to do.
(Chi San brushed a speck of dirt from Tong Sum’s picture.)

Chi San: (sighing) Okay, I know I’m totally and completely wrong. But how do I apologize? She wouldn’t even want to see me. She wouldn’t return any of my calls. (smiled) But if there was one thing I’d learnt when I was trying to get you come back to me 3 years ago, it was the spirit of never giving up. I’ll try to get Man back, Tong Sum. I swear to you that I’ll never let her be unhappy, and I’ll keep my promise to you. You know that, don’t you, Tong Sum?

Chi San got up slowly from Tong Sum’s grave. He stole a glance at his watch. It was 5 in the evening. He had been sitting there for half an hour. He still had some time before the sun went down. Work had been slow at the station lately. He wasn’t due back there. That reminds me. I wonder what happened to Fei. He didn’t showed up for work, and he didn’t call the station to explain his absence. That was so unlike him. Chi San made a mental note to call Fei. Flipping opened the magazine he brought with him, he settled down again next to Tong Sum’s grave in a more comfortable position.

Chi San: You wouldn’t what happened in Taiwan last week…

Man shuffled up the steps leading to Tong Sum’s grave. Man knew that she looked like a total wreck. What do you expect from a woman who slept less than 2 hours each day for the past 2 weeks? Man thought wryly.

She made a right turn and headed straight towards Tong Sum’s grave. Man froze when she saw the man there. She turned and intended to run. She didn’t want to see him. Man stepped on a twig. Chi San looked up and saw her. Man immediately broke into a run.

Chi San: (yelling) Man! MAN!

Man kept on running, but Chi San wasn’t the champion runner of his high school days and the fastest runner on his team for nothing. It was only in a matter of a few seconds when he caught up with her. He grabbed her arm and held her.

Chi San: Man, please.

Man struggled, but Chi San held on fast. She finally gave in, but she wouldn’t look at him.

Chi San: How long are you going to avoid me?

Man: (snapped)Until you stop bothering me.

Chi San: What do I have to do to make you forgive me?
(Man glared at him and said nothing.)

Chi San: Man, I am really, really sorry. I know that I shouldn’t have doubted you. I knew I shouldn’t have. Why can’t you forgive me? We had so many chances to be together, and lost them all. Now that we are finally with each other, why are you letting a little misunderstanding come between us?

Fury rose in Man. Little misunderstanding? That just proves how he well knows me!

Man: (blatantly echoing her own thoughts) Little misunderstanding? LITTLE misunderstanding? That just proves how well you know me, Kong Chi San!
(A pained expression came over Chi San’s face.)

Chi San: Man, I am really and truly sorry. Please, forgive me.

Man: (bitterly) To you, you think this is just a small, insignificant matter. But it is not to me, Chi San. It is not. No, I cannot forgive you. Not now.

Exasperation rose in Chi San. Man was stubborn, but she wasn’t normally this difficult. He did the only thing he could think of, the only thing he had so wanted to do. Chi San pulled Man to him and kissed her. At first, she resisted, but she could not deny she missed him, missed the feel of his lips. Man gave in. They pulled apart after a long, delicious moment. Man could felt her mouth beginning to curve into a smile.

Chi San: Don’t ever overreact again.

The smile instantly disappeared from Man’s face as anger took over. He still doesn’t understand. He thought I was being unreasonable and overreacting! Man raised her hand and slapped Chi San sharply across the face. Shocked, Chi San retreated a few steps.

Chi San: Man…

Man: (yelling) No! You kissed me as if nothing had happened, but something had happened and you are not even aware of it! You don’t understand me, you never even TRIED to understand me. And you claimed to love me? Love me? Kong Chi San, I never want to see you again!

Man turned and fled from the cemetery, tears streaming down her face. Chi San stared after her, his brain a jumble of confused thoughts. He then knew something was bothering Man deeply. But what? Why didn’t she just tell me?

Fei raised a spoonful of hot soup to Quin’s lips. Listlessly, she shook her head no.

Fei: (gently) Kwan, you have to eat something.

Quin: (abruptly) Fei, what did the doctor tell you?

Fei put down the bowl of hot soup on the table next to Quin’s bed. He hesitated.

Fei: Just…something about your health. Certain foods you should avoid.

Quin: (looked straight at Fei) Don’t you dare lie to me, Tsui Fei.

Fei: He told me that…that…

Quin: (interrupting) It is dangerous for me to get pregnant, right? The chances of me getting pregnant are…are…
(Quin choked back her words as tears threatened to spill over.)

Fei: (shocked)You knew?

Quin nodded, as for the thousandth time that week, she tried to swallow her tears. Fei immediately reached for her hand and squeezed it.

Fei: (consolingly) It’ll be okay, Kwan. After all, he didn’t say you couldn’t conceive.

Quin: He might as well have said it! I cannot have any children! If I were to, I’ll be putting my baby and myself into danger!

Fei: …

Quin dissolved into tears. She couldn’t hold back her sorrow anymore.

Quin: Why? Why did all this have to happen to me at once? God, how do I expect to get through this?

Fei: Not you alone, Kwan. We. We’ll be able to get through this together. I won’t abandon you. I’ll be by your side no matter what.

Quin: (shook her head) I don’t deserve you, Fei…I can’t even give you a family…I cannot…you deserve someone better than me…

Fei held Quin by the shoulders and forced her to look at him.

Fei: Look at me, Mo Chiu Kwan. I won’t allow you to have any negative thoughts. I’ve said it, and I’ll say it again. I’ll always be with you, no matter what.
(Fei raised Quin’s left hand and ran his thumb along the engagement ring he gave her.)

Fei: Fate brought us together, and I won’t let it separate us. We will be able to get through this, Kwan. Trust me.

Quin leaned forward and hugged Fei fiercely, sobs racking her slender body. I’ll be able to get through this. As long Fei is by my side, I’ll be able to get through anything. Fei hugged her close to him tightly. They held on to each other tightly. It was as if they were scared that if they were to let go, they would lose each other.

As Quin sank deeper into despair and sorrow, she will push Fei further and further away from her. Can she get over her devastating loss and learn to share her pain and tears with Fei instead of pushing him away?
Chi San thought Man was just being unreasonable. Would he ever find out the truth?

Chapter 28...

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Yong June-Ling
Copyright 2001