Chapter 21...Chapter 21...
But perhaps, he himself deserved a chance to find happiness again. And perhaps, he deserved to find the happiness he desired with Man.
Could he be happy with Man, when in his heart, there was still Tong Sum and always will be Tong Sum?
But didn’t he at least owe himself, and Man, the chance to find out?
Chi San’s head started to throb. He grabbed his car keys and headed out to the door, to the only place he could find sanctuary.
Quin put down her overnight bag on the floor and ran her hand over the sofa in the living room. She glanced around at the familiar surroundings and smiled to herself. It was like being home. Quin walked over to the mantlepiece and looked at the pictures there. She remembered every one of the photos. She picked up one of them, pondering. Have I really remembered everything? Honestly, I don’t think so. I don’t think my journey of discovery is over. At least now I remembered Fei. God, How could I have forgotten him for so long? I love him so much. Suddenly, a pair of arms wrapped themselves around her from behind. Quin gave a start and dropped the picture she was holding. CRASH! The photo fell down and the glass shattered. Quin turned around in annoyance.
Quin: Fei, look what you made me do!
Quin distangled herself from Fei’s arms and bended down to pick up the broken pieces. She picked up the photo, one of her and Fei making a monkey face at the camera. She remembered that one. They took it on a trip to Ocean Park. Fei kneeled down beside her and took the photo from her.
Fei: You look better with the monkey face. It was an improvement, really.
Quin swatted Fei on the arm and walked into the kitchen. She opened a cupboard and got out a broom and a dustpan. Gently, she swept up the shattered glass and dumped them into the trashcan. She turned to see Fei smirking at her.
Quin: (annoyed) First, you made me drop the photo, and then you didn’t even offered to clean up the mess for me, and now, you stood there laughing at me?
Fei: You really look like a “si lai”.
Quin: Tsui Fei, you are such a jerk.
Fei: Maybe so, but I’m the jerk you love, and I’m the jerk who loves you.
Quin: (hiding a smile) I don’t love jerks.
Fei: Are you saying you don’t love me, or that I’m not a jerk?
Quin: (laughing) Okay, okay! You’re a major jerk, Tsui Fei, but you’re my jerk, and I love you all the same.
The joking expression left Fei’s face. He stroked Quin’s cheek lightly. He looked at Quin’s laughing eyes. To hear those 3 words coming from her and directed to him…he was overjoyed. Quin looked at his serious face questioningly.
Quin: Why so serious all of a sudden?
Fei: I love you, too.
Quin: I…
The rest of her sentence was lost as Fei captured her lips with his in a kiss. A peaceful feeling settled over Quin as she locked her arms around Fei and pressed her lips against his. She had never felt more contented than she was now.
Chi San got out of his car and walked into the cemetery. He headed towards Tong Sum’s grave and kneeled down, touching her picture.
Chi San: Tong Sum, what am I to do? Man told me that she still loves me. I’m really mixed-up now. I don’t know what I should do. It was easier when we both just pretended nothing was going on but now…
Chi San: Tell me, Tong Sum. Should I accept her or push her away? You know I still love you. But…I love Man, too. I couldn’t deny it, not in front of you. Ever since you left me, Man had been on my mind constantly. I’ve often thought about how different things would be if I’d asked her to stay and not to leave for Yunan. I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to be disloyal to you. But how much longer can I deny my feelings?
Chi San stared at Tong Sum’s smiling face in the picture. Suddenly, a cool breeze started blowing lightly. A voice, as soft as the breeze, a familiar, well-loved voice, blew by his ear.
“Find happiness again…with Man. She loves you…love her back.”
Chi San listened with uttermost disbelief. He shook his head as if to clear it. Tong Sum?
Chi San: Tong Sum! Tong Sum, is that you?
“Feel free…feel free to love again…no chains are binding you to me…”
Chi San: Tong Sum, come out and see me!
“Never feel guilty for loving…I’m gone…I’ll never come back…it’s no use being loyal to me, and missing out a chance at happiness…”
Chi San: (half to himself) I don’t believe this…I don’t…
“I give you my blessing…goodbye…goodbye…I love you, Chi San…”
Suddenly, an image shimmered near the sunlight. A smiling face of Tong Sum.
Chi San: Tong Sum!
As quickly as it appeared, it disappeared. Chi San stared in wonder at the sun. Was it his imagination? Chi San turned and looked at Tong Sum’s grave. The breeze died down. Everything was as still as it was before. Whether did he imagined it or not, Chi San smiled. He understood.
Chi San: Tong Sum, I understand now. I understood completely.
Chi San stood up. Let fate run its course. I am meant to be with Man. Chi San remembered his fears. And even if Man were to leave me like Tong Sum, it will be God’s will. I can take it.
Chi San: I deserved another chance with Man. I at least owe it to myself, and to you, to try to be happy again. (smiled) I promise you, I will take care of Man. I know that now, you wouldn’t blame me for loving Man. I love Man so much, Tong Sum. And I know I will have your blessing.
Chi San touched his fingers to his lips and touched Tong Sum’s picture.
Chi San: Goodbye, Tong Sum.
Chi San turned to leave. He stopped dead in his tracks. A few metres away from him stood Man. From the expression on her face, he knew that she had overheard the last part of the words he spoke to Tong Sum. They stood there, staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. A sob escaping Man, she ran towards Chi San. They flung their arms around each other and hugged.
Man: (sobbing) Chi San!
Chi San: Man, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see it earlier…
They continued hugging each other, making up for all the time they wasted. Man pulled back slightly and looked at Chi San in the eye. She touched his cheek softly, tears streaming down her face.
Man: I love you.
Chi San kissed her then. Emotions surged in Man as she kissed him back. They were so engrossed with each other, neither of them noticed the shimmering image near the sunlight, smiling her approval. Up in the heavens, Tong Sum wished her husband and her best friend all the happiness they deserved.
Fei opened his eyes to see Quin curled up in the crook of his arm. He looked at the sleeping Quin. Shifting slightly and gently as not to wake Quin, Fei gradually stood up. He covered Quin with a blanket and dropped a kiss on her forehead. He looked at her, a smile upon his lips. She looked so innocent and vunerable while sleeping. Touching her face lightly, Fei felt his love for her rushed over him once more. He could hardly believe that it was really Quin who was sleeping there. It had been too long, far too long. So long since he had held her and kissed her without any doubt, without the Ching Ching barrier. As Ching Ching came into his mind, Fei frowned. He didn’t know whether Quin remembered Ching Ching. After all, Quin did say there was still a lot she didn’t remember. Fei had a suspicion Quin didn’t remember Ching Ching. Oh well, if and when it comes up, I’ll deal with it then. Fei took his overcoat, which was draped over a chair. He slipped out of the door, deciding to buy Quin some coffee cake for breakfast.
She was driving. Looking for someone. Repeatedly, she picked up her cellphone and called a number. Repeatedly, she couldn’t get through. She felt a wave of worry and helplessness washed over her. Where was he? she thought. Why wasn’t he there when she woke up? Where did he go? She felt her worry grew. What if something happened to him? She wouldn’t be able to bear it. Suddenly, she saw his car. Is it he? she wondered. It was he. She was happy; finally, she could stop worrying. But she saw someone else beside him. Someone with long hair. Someone female. She walked nearer. She needed to see the person with him. She needed to…
Quin awoke with a start. What a strange dream. Does it mean anything? Who was I looking for? Quin wondered. It was Fei. I was looking for Fei. Quin stretched and stood up.
Quin: Fei?
No answer. Quin walked into the kitchen, bedrooms, and bathroom. No sign of Fei anywhere. Quin grew anxious. It was just like the dream. He wasn’t there when I woke up. She called again.
Quin: Fei!
The apartment stood silently. Quin began to worry. An irrational sense of fear washed over her. She thought about her dream. She didn’t understand it, but now, Fei was gone just like her dream. Who was the person beside him in my dream? Quin didn’t know, but she had felt worried in the dream. Quin took her overcoat and took her car keys from the pocket. She was going to look for Fei. She ran to the door and yanked it opened. She nearly knocked into Fei.
Fei: Kwan, where are you going?
Quin saw Fei, and an overpowering sense of relief washed over her. Dropping her coat on the floor, she flung her arms around Fei and buried her face in his chest.
Fei: Whatever is the matter, Kwan?
Quin: I…I…thought you had left me.
Fei: Silly girl. Why would I leave you? I just went down to get some coffee cake for you.
Quin: Really?
Fei: (smiling) Really. Come, let’s eat some of this cake.
Quin smiled and gave Fei a quick kiss on the lips. Fei took her hand and led her to the dining area. He undid the cake box and cut out a slice of cake for Quin.
Fei: Remember this cake?
Quin: Of course I do. It is my favourite cake.
Fei: (lying casually) I ran into Ching Ching just now at the cake shop.
Quin: Who?
Fei: (emphasizing) Ching Ching.
Quin: Who is she? She doesn’t sound familiar…
Fei: Oh, just my cousin.
So she didn’t remember. Fei didn’t know which was greater, his sense of relief or his sense of disappointment. Should I tell her? Almost instantly, the answer came to him. No. Not yet. He watched Quin eating her cake. Her forehead was wrinkled. Fei recognised that expression instantly.
Fei: Something bothering you?
Quin: (gave a start) Huh? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.
Fei: Kwan, is something wrong?
Quin: (slowly) I had a really disturbing dream. I…I dreamt that I lost you. I couldn’t find you. And…when I thought I saw you, you were with another girl. I couldn’t see her face clearly, because I woke up. And…and when I couldn’t find you, I…I thought you’d left me, just like my dream.
Fei couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Quin was relieving the moment she first saw Ching Ching, only that she didn’t know it.
Quin: Fei? Can you tell me what is the dream about? What had happened in the past?
Fei: Kwan, it was just a dream. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Don’t worry too much, okay?
Fei reached across the table and gave Quin a reassuring hug. Quin hugged him back, but the doubt still lingered. She had a feeling Fei was lying to her. No, he wouldn’t lie. Would he?
Chi San sat in his bedroom. He stared at the photo of him and Tong Sum. He thought about Man’s question. “Do we still have a chance together…do we…do we…” Do they? Chi San clenched his fists tightly. I still love Man. I know that, and I don’t deny it. But can I overcome the past? Chi San seriously doubt it. His wedding ring, which he bought to replace the one he had been robbed of, twinkled in the late afternoon sun streaming in from the window. He picked up the ring and slipped on his ring finger, closing his eyes painfully. The memory of Tong Sum was still too strong; the pain of losing her was still too fresh. He would still think of her, think of how their lives would be if she hadn’t left him. He didn’t know whether could he love Man freely, without Tong Sum haunting him. He didn’t want to be unfair to Man.
(Quin tried to look angry but failed miserably as a smile broke over her face.)
(Fei neared Quin and wrapped his arms around her waist.)
(Chi San bowed his head.)
(Quin slowly untangled herself from Fei’s arms and looked at him in the eye.)
(She took the plate and fork from Fei and began eating. Fei decided to test out his suspicion.)
(Quin looked up from her cake, her features twisted into an expression of confusion.)
(Quin set her fork and plate aside and looked at Fei’s concerned face.)
(Tell her. Tell her. It is a perfect oppurtunity.)
What will happen when Quin remembers or find out about Ching Ching, and the traumatic past of her and Fei’s love? Will Fei’s indecision to be honest cost him? And is it going to be happy ever after for Man and Chi San, or are there hurdles left uncleared?
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Yong June-Ling
Copyright 2001