Chapter 19...Chapter 19...
Man: You kept igonoring him. Why?
Quin: I…I don’t know. Really. But…I just don’t feel comfortable seeing him. I don’t know a thing about him, Man! I can’t remember. I simply can’t.
Man: I don’t think ignoring him is going to be the best option for you to remember him, Quin.
Quin: I don’t want to make the situation more awkward. I don’t know what to say, how to act when I see him. I feel very uncomfortable. I feel like I KNOW him, but I really don’t. I want to know him, but I can’t. (suddenly laughed) This feels so damn confusing.
Quin: And you know what? Seeing him just reminded me. I, Mo Chiu Kwan, am anmesiac. For God’s sake, I’m a psychologist. People suffering from amnesia see psychologists. And I’m an amnesiac psychologist. I hate to be reminded of that particular fact. It is a struggle for me, Man. Really. I am not able to face him, or see him. I am supposed to love him. But he’s no different from all the strangers I see on the street. I have tried giving myself time to accept him. But I cannot. Something just tells me…maybe things will change the once I remember. But not now. Believe me, I know what I am doing.
Man: Do you, urmm…have feelings for him?
Quin: (thoughtfully) Honestly? I don’t think so. I mean, I don’t even know him. You get what I mean?
Man: (wistfully) You two were so in love. I strongly believed you would have died for him. Not that he’s really worth it…
Quin: What do you mean by that?
Man: (mentally kicking herself) Nah…just a little joke there.
Man looked at her coffee guiltily. No one ever told Quin the whole sordid story of her and Fei’s relationship. They all avoided the Ching Ching subject. They had agreed that it was the best if Quin didn’t remember Fei, then there was no need for her to know about Ching Ching. It might just drive her further away from Fei.
Quin: It was strange. I can remember bits and pieces of my life, with you, my family…but the part with Fei just remained a huge, complete blank. Why? I just don’t understand.
The next day…
Without waiting for the reply, Quin hung up the phone and stared into the space. Undoubtedly, the caller was Fei. It had been more than two months since the shooting incident, and one since she woke up and discovered that she had amnesia. Since then, she might have regained about 50% of her memory. The doctor said that she was making progress, and that she couldn’t expect everything to come with a bang. But try as she might, she couldn’t remember that one person she had so hope to remember, she had so want to remember. Tsui Fei. She could not bring herself to be open about this man who claimed to be her boyfriend. She spent so many hours looking at photos, spent so many hours listening to Man talking about him, and so many hours talking to him. But she had no recollection of their times together at all. There was something appealing and familiar about him. She couldn’t deny that. She felt…well, embarrassed sometimes. Here was the man she was supposed to love, but other than that fleeting feeling of familiarity, she knew nothing about him. BEEP! Her intercom beeped loudly, startling Quin from her thoughts.
Janie: Dr.Mo, your eleven o’clock is here.
Quin: Send him in, Janie.
Quin recomposed herself, setting her features into a kind and understanding expression. Her welcoming smile died away when her client stepped into her office.
Fei: You are so not seeing a client. I am your client.
Quin dropped her eyes and toyed with her pen. She cleared her throat nervously. She took a deep breath before answering him.
Quin: Well, I am seeing a client now, aren’t I? So, Fei. What can I do for you today?
Fei: I’ll make this brief, DR.Mo. What can I do to make my girlfriend, who is suffering from amnesia as a result of an accident, to stop ignoring me, to talk to me?
Quin let the pen poised above a piece of paper dropped.
Quin: I don’t want to talk about that.
Fei: Kwan, face reality. Let me help you. Don’t shut me out of your life. Let me go through this together with you. I’m not trying to rush you to remember anything. I’m not forcing you to accept me and love me just because you used to in the past. Just let me be a part of your life. Please.
Quin: Fei, try to understand, will you? Give me some personal space. Don’t force me. Don’t. Let everything take to its course naturally.
Fei: No, I cannot understand. Why are you torturing me like this? Haven’t you tortured me enough before…
Quin: (too mad to pick up Fei’s slip of tongue) Yes, you don’t understand! I have amnesia. Amnesia! You know what that means? I cannot remember anything. Don’t you think I want to remember? I’m not particularly enjoying this, Fei! In case you forgot, let me remind you. I lost my memory. I lost it. It seems like this is enough to understand! Let it get through your thick skull!
Quin’s fingernails dug into the fabric of her chair. She was shaking with surpressed anger. She fought hard to stay in control. Quin didn’t know to whether to scream or to cry or to do both at once.
Fei: Kwan…I’m sorry…
Quin: Just leave me in peace. Let me recall my own memories. You can’t help me. (in a whisper) No one can.
Fei: I love you.
He waited for her response. Quin looked at Fei straight in the eye. His gaze held hers steadily. She felt a jolt of familiarity as she gazed into his clear eyes. Quin broke the eye contact, looking away. She took out a file and began making notes. She didn’t even bother to reply.
For the one-thousandth time ever since Quin entered his life, Fei felt the too familiar stab of pain hit his heart. He turned and left without another word. Quin sank down on her chair, hot tears prickling her eyelids. She really felt pressured. She had so wanted to accept Fei with open arms. But in the past month, she hadn’t been able to do so. Because she knew nothing about Tsui Fei. Even her flashbacks couldn’t shed any clue into the their relationship. At times, she looked at Fei and felt nothing. At other times, she looked at him and felt the most intense emotions. And just looking at Fei reminded her of her accident, her illness…two things she wanted to forget. Deep down inside, this whole thing with Fei scared her. She didn’t know what to expect. She didn’t know what she should to do. So, she decided not to do anything at all.
Chi San: Come on, that’s the 10th bottle you had tonight. Get a grip. You can’t take it. You know that.
Fei: (shortly) Do I seem like I want to throw up? Let me drink. I can take it, better than you can, Kong Chi San. I asked you down here to drink with me, and not to hear you preach at me.
Chi San: This whole thing with Quin…
Fei: It is like she doesn’t even WANT to have anything to do with me? Why? I don’t understand. Couldn’t we just rekindle our relationship? I know she has amnesia. God, doesn’t she think I knew that? Why won’t she let me help her?
Chi San: You have to understand the trauma of the accident and amnesia on Quin.
Fei: (scowling) From what I know, she remembered quite a number of things. She remembered Man and her family as well as a several friends, you…but not me.
Chi San: Maybe she just shut out all the painful memories. As we all know, some memories are better off stay buried.
Chi San: I didn’t mean that in any particular way. No offense.
Chi San: That’s it. If you don’t stop drinking, I’m just going to walk out of here. Then you can wallow in your own misery. Stop acting like a total and complete loser.
Fei: Kwan said she doesn’t want to see me. Not that those words are new to me.
Fei: What the hell does God want from me? Haven’t I suffered enough? He made me suffered when he took away Ching Ching. He made me happy when he sent me Kwan. He again made me suffered by making Ching Ching returned. This one really took the icing on the cake. He made Kwan forgot all about me, all about us.
Chi San: I…
Fei: (interrupting Chi San) I’m getting sick of this. Does God has nothing else better to do with his time than to spend it all on torturing me? For that matter, why he can’t he torture someone else? I’ve had enough! Kwan and I am a match made in heaven. Why do we have to go through so much? It isn’t fair.
Chi San: (philosophically) Who said life is fair? Life is never fair.
Fei: (threw Chi San a look) Spare me the infamous philosophy lecture. I don’t think I can stomach it.
Fei: I can’t stand it any longer.
Chi San: (yelling after Fei) Told you you couldn’t take it!
Man looked at the photo of a smiling Chi San. She lightly stroked his face with her fingertips. Her heart ached. I shouldn’t have returned to Hong Kong. Man closed her eyes painfully. If only she’d stay in China. Man thought back on all the memories of her and Chi San. She loved him so much. After Tong Sum died, a thought of a second chance had flickered across Man’s mind. But she abolished the thought because of her love for Tong Sum. Man buried her face in her hands and wept. She felt so tired. She didn’t know much longer could she keep her feelings under wraps. Gradually Man drifted off to sleep.
“Man…”
Man looked aroud her. Her surroundings were shrouded in fog. She strained to peer through the fog. Who was calling out to her?
“Man…”
A woman’s sillhoutte appeared. A figure dressed in white. The face came into focus. A roudn face, framed with short dark hair. A pair of eyes filled with love and compassion. Man’s mouth dropped opened.
“Tong Sum!”
Tong Sum smiled and held out her hand.
“Man…it had been far too long…”
“Tong Sum!”
Man ran toward Tong Sum, her arms outstretched. But her hands touched nothing but fog as she attempted to hug Tong Sum. Man looked at Tong Sum confusedly. Tong Sum smiled sadly.
“Man, I don’t belong to your world anymore.”
Tears trickled down Man’s cheeks. She looked at her best friend through a film of tears.
“Tong Sum…I miss you so much!”
Tong Sum held out something to Man. A crystal carriage. Man looked at it in wonder.
“The carriage from our childhood days…my wedding gift to you…”
Tong Sum smiled sweetly.
“Man, listen to me. I belong to a world beyond yours and Chi San’s. There is no reason to keep me in your world any longer. No reason at all. To own happiness, find it, and fight for it. Remember me with fondness, and not with guilt. Remember me as a sweet memory, and not as a burden. I think you’ll understand…you’ll understand…”
Tong Sum retreated back to the fog.
“Good bye, Man. Remember that I love you.”
“Tong Sum!”
Man searched frantically through the fog. But Tong Sum was gone. Man’s tears continued to flow. Grasped tightly in her hand was the crystal Cinderella carriage.
Man jolted awake with a start. What a strange dream. It felt so real. Man touched her cheek and realised that it was wet with tears. She hastily wiped her tears away and stood up. Her hand knocked against something. Looking down, she saw a crystal Cinderella carriage beside her. THE crystal carriage. Rubbing her eyes in disbelief, Man looked again. The crystal shone and twinkled in the late afternoon sunlight streaming from the windows. Man picked up the delicate ornament. Running to the living room, she skidded to a stop in front of her display glass, where she kept the ornament. Chi San had given it to her when Tong Sum died. The spot where the carriage orginally stood in the display case was empty. Somehow, in one way or another, a miracle had taken place. Man looked at the ornament in her hand as a smile slowly broke over her face. She understood. Thank you, Tong Sum.
One month later...
Quin: (into the phone) Not today, Fei. I don’t have time…okay. I’ll call you tonight.
(Quin hung up the phone in her office and sighed. Man, who was sitting in the chair across from Quin, shook her head.)
(Man sipped her coffee, looking at Quin expectantly, waiting for her to continue.)
Quin: (into the phone) Lunch? No, I’m sorry…I’m eating with Man…dinner? I don’t think so. No, sorry. I’m…not free. Look, I have a client in here with me. I’ll talk to you later, okay?
(Fei stopped himself just in time.)
(Fei slowly turned to leave room. He looked at Quin one more time.)
(Fei threw his friend a sharp glare and Chi San immediately winced.)
(Fei downed another bottle of beer.)
(Reluctantly, Fei signaled the bartender for some soda water.)
(Chi San sipped his own beer, regarding Fei silently.)
(Suddenly, Fei stood up and covered his mouth with his hand.)
(He ran off to the gent’s restroom.)
Scared and indecisive, Quin decided to shut off Fei out of her life. Will a recollection make her change her mind? After a “visit” from her beloved deceased friend, Man seemed to come to a conclusion. How will she deal with the man she loves?
*Man's Dream of Tong Sum* idea credit given to Jung Thanks for the idea!
Back to MAIN
Yong June-Ling
Copyright 2001