Chapter 4 He could barely tolerate looking at Justin's bruised and battered body. He was on his back, his arms partially covering his face, already darkening with new bruises. His lips were swollen and cut as well, split from a punch when he hadn't obeyed quickly enough. Lance was openly crying now as his eyes traveled down to the bite marks that covered Justin's torso. Most horrific was the blood that seemed to be everywhere. He knew where it came from and he groaned. Hearing Lance's voice, Justin turned his head toward the sound and his eyes opened slowly. "Lance?" he whispered in a heartbreakingly tortured voice. Lance tried to be comforting. "Yeah, Jus, I'm here," he said softly. "Lance, everything hurts so much." He rolled over then and tried to get to his knees but was only partially successful, before emptying the contents of his stomach. It was pretty much fluid since he hadn't eaten in a day and when that was gone, he dry retched until he was spent. Lying down on his side, he curled himself up into a tight ball. "Justin?" Lance called but there was no answer. He could see Justin's shoulders shaking silently. "Justin, talk to me." He was afraid for him, knowing that the monster had destroyed some core part of the younger man but he dared to hope that at least part of it could be made right. When Justin still didn't answer, Lance's mind drifted back to another painful time in their lives. Their relationship had grown beyond sex pretty quickly and they had realized that they depended on one another for so much more. They found safety and support in the looks and the brief touches during the day and the talks and the touching and the love in the night. Several months later, Lance had stated the obvious, "Jus, I'm in love with you." "Is that a problem?" Justin laughed as he lay stroking Lance's chest. "Only if you're not in love with me," Lance said seriously. Justin looked surprised at his tone and the smile left his face. "I love you too but..."Justin stopped.  Oh shit, here it comes, Lance thought, the I-love-you-but-NSYNC-is-more-important-and-we-can't-keep- doing-this story. He was sorry he had even said anything. "...I'm scared." Justin finished, tears welling up in those incredible eyes. "What? Talk to me," Lance said gently, wrapping his arm around Justin's back and stroking his soft skin. "I'm afraid of what the others are going to say, how it will affect the group." "Why do they have to know?" Lance said carefully, hoping to avoid anything that was going to ruin what they had together. Justin stared at Lance with an intensity that was scary, "Because I'm tired of pretending that we're just friends. I'm tired of having to find a corner when I'm scared, so you can hold me. I'm tired of sneaking into each other's bunks for a few minutes when everyone else is asleep. I'm tired of acting like this is some awful thing we have.  It's not, Lance!" "No, Jus, it isn't," he said, his sadness for what he knew apparent in his voice,  "but the rest of the world doesn't see it that way. They see it as wrong.  I was scared to tell my parents and they love me! The people who don't love us...." He let the thought trail off not wanting to spell out the hate filled letters and signs, the pushes and unwanted touches, all of it the result of ignorance but no less hurtful. Not to mention what could happen to the group. The beautiful young man with the golden curls looked up at him and the love there was so strong that Lance was overwhelmed. "I don't care. Just the guys. JC is my best friend and Joey is yours. That just leaves Chris and he's weird himself. C'mon, please," he begged in that childlike way no one could resist, "today?" Lance knew Justin wouldn't be pulled away from this path. Lance paused. Maybe it was time. It had to be *some*  time. He worried though that Justin was just so naive that he couldn't even imagine the worst. He nodded, "OK, baby, we'll do it your way." Happily, Justin lay back down on his chest, safe in his arms. That seemed so long ago. Through the haze of thoughts, he heard Justin's weak cry, "Lance?" "What, Jus?" "Is he gone?" he asked in a frightened voice. "I don't think I can take any more." Lance bit his lip, remembering Fist's promise to return, but he replied, "He's gone." "What are we going to do, Lance?" Justin asked shakily looking to Lance as always to solve their problems. For once, Lance had no answers. "We can't do anything. Even if we were free, you're too hurt to run far and we have no idea where the hell we are. Just hang in there. They'll get tired of us sooner or later. People like them always do," Lance said. "How do you know?" Justin asked with horror in his voice. Hearing that note, Lance debated whether to tell Justin but after tonight, the younger man couldn't have any illusions left. "Once," he whispered. "A guy came up to me in a club a couple of years ago and told me how cute I was and all that other stuff. Then he asked me to go into the back room with him while he got something. I was just getting with the idea that I was gay and wanted to be cool so I stupidly followed him, flattered by the attention. When the door slammed behind us, I realized there were others there and they started touching me and saying hateful things and laughing about fags and pansies and then....they told me to ....strip. I couldn't. I was frozen just like you today and ....the result was the same." The last came out in a pained whisper and tears were flowing freely because Lance knew exactly what was going on with Justin. He looked over to see Justin's lanky six foot frame pulled into the smallest space possible. His sobs tore Lance's heart apart. He had always protected Justin and now he couldn't. Justin forced himself to look at Lance,  "Tell me I don't deserve this, that I didn't ask for this like he says." Lance gasped, "No, no, no, never. You could *never*  deserve this,* ever*." He heard the soft sigh that meant Justin was listening.  And then the soft sobs that meant Justin didn't believe him. He strained against the ropes that bit into his wrists, only to bite his lip in frustration when they didn't even loosen a fraction.  He needed to help Justin, to hold him and soothe him, to make him believe that he didn't deserve any of this— but he couldn't.  All he could do is watch helplessly as Justin cried until he fell into an exhausted sleep. Lance's thoughts drifted back to where they had left off. They had told the others that night. Justin, with his usual spectacular sense of timing, *not*, had waited until they were all exhausted but still high from the show. As the five dragged themselves off the van, he said quietly, "Listen guys, could you come to our room for a minute, we have something we need to say." A collective groan emerged from all but Lance, who gasped and whispered, "Not now!" He tried to pull Justin along but he saw that look as he entered the lobby. Everyone knew that look. It meant no rest until everyone gave in and because they loved him and spoiled him, they always did. Tonight was no different. JC, Chris, and Joey looked at one another and then shrugged. Better just to get this over with and get to bed. Justin danced from one foot to the other all the way to the room while Lance tried to disappear into the wall of the elevator, not making eye contact with any of them. By the time they went into Lance and Justin's room the three others had been totally confused. Lance looked like he was ready for a firing squad and Justin looked like a kid on Christmas. "OK, OK, let's go, I'm dead!" JC snapped but regretted it when Justin's face fell. No one could stand hurting Justin. "Sorry, J, just tired." The happy child reappeared immediately and without any preparation, Justin blurted out, "Lance and I are in love." Expectantly he looked around at them where they were draped on the furniture. No one said a word. They sat in openmouthed astonishment, their attention bouncing between Justin and Lance, who was holding his head and studying the floor. "Well?" the blonde cherub asked petulantly. Chris, bless him, broke the tension, "Thank God, I thought you were going to say you were gay!" For another moment there was silence and then the gales of laughter started and Lance knew it would be OK. And it had been as long as they were safe in their own little world. But you can't stay safe forever, baby, Lance thought. They did return, all five of them this time. Lance looked up, saying nothing. Justin, exhausted from both physical and emotional pain, was asleep. "How sweet!" Lance heard and recognized Fist's voice. Justin stirred then and Lance could see his body tense. "Shut up," the leader said wearily, "Just bring them.  Let's just get this done." Strong arms dragged Justin off the floor and groaning, he came to his feet, swaying unsteadily.  Once they had untied him, Lance lunged for Justin but other strong arms held him at a distance. Lance looked into Justin's eyes and saw the deadness that the rape had put there. He also knew there was terror beneath it  and there wasn't a damned thing he could do to help. As they started to pull Justin away, Lance said, "Aren't you going to let him get dressed?" Justin seemed barely aware that he was naked. "Fuck that!" Fist answered. The others murmured assent but the leader held up his hand, "Help him with his pants, Bob." Bob started to protest but one look at their boss convinced him just to help and be done with it. He roughly pulled Justin's jeans up over his hips and buttoned them up. Justin was in a daze and didn't react when the man's fingers trailed across his crotch. "Been busy huh, sweetheart?" he said and made a kissing noise aimed at the young man. Lance bit his lip knowing that any response on his part would provoke these animals even further. "Let's go!" the leader said harshly. It took two men to support Justin, nearly dragging him at points, though he tried to stay on his feet. Lance followed quietly, visualizing what was awaiting them. Several hallways later they turned into an open room filled with people all craning for a look at them. Justin's eyes widened with shock and Lance heard his horrified gasp. Bob laughed unkindly, "Surprised?  We're not the only ones who want to see you fags hurting!" Lance searched the room looking for a sympathetic face without finding even one. The expressions ranged from disgust to rage to horror and everyone seemed primed to see them punished. There were two chairs up on a makeshift platform and they were shoved unceremoniously into them. Justin's pained cry pierced Lance and he turned toward him, seeing the undeserved shame in those deep blue eyes.  It shouldn't be there. It wasn't right. Justin loved Lance with something pure and good— it was wrong to punish him for that. It was painful to look any more. Lance's mind searched for escape, so he thought back to the day months ago when they had told Johnny. JC had bugged them for weeks after they had come out to their friends but both Lance and Justin had resisted. C'mon, C, why does Johnny have to know?" Justin whined. "He's our *manager*," JC said nastily, "In case you two slip up, he'll be the one to cover your butts, which also means *our* butts. There are prying eyes everywhere and you two are getting more and more careless. Especially you, Mr. Touchy Feely," he said, the last directed at Justin. "Fuck off, C. I'm no different than I've always been," Justin defended himself. They all stared at him until he said, "*What*? I'm always touching someone, since forever." Joey snorted, "Yeah, except the *only* someone for the last three weeks has been Lance and if you keep up this protest we're gonna make you watch tapes of every interview we've had in that time. There isn't one where you're not up Lance's ass!" Even Lance smiled at that one remembering Justin's touches during every interview when he thought no one was looking. "OK, do you agree, Lance, that we should tell Johnny?" Justin asked. "`Cause you know then we should tell  Lonnie and the guys and..." He never made it further as gales of laughter greeted his last statement. He started to giggle, "You think they know?  Is that it?" Joey was rolling on the floor at this point, out of breath. "No-o-o- o, you think?" he managed to gasp. Lance finally got up and went to Justin who was being badly outplayed. "C'mon, Curly, let's go," he said softly. Justin looked at him, all wide-eyed innocence and allowed himself to be led away, the laughter ringing in his ears. Lance took him to their room and faced Justin. Tears shimmered in Justin's deep blue eyes. "Am I that bad, Lance?" Lance bit his lip, "Let's just say discreet is not in your vocabulary. Don't get me wrong. *I*  love it! But we are becoming obvious. It is time to tell Johnny straight out.  He probably has his suspicions already, especially if Lonnie and Dre have been talking to him. C's right. He has to be prepared to protect the group if the worst happens." Justin cocked his head, "The worst? You mean our fans find out we're in love? Why is that so bad?" "Oh, Jus, you are so innocent. Not everyone is as tolerant as our friends. There's a whole world out there that hates `fags' and `pansies'. That includes some of our fans. How many? Who knows? Are you willing to wreck it for Chris, Joey, and JC?" "I want people to know how much I love you, how happy you make me. Is that so terrible?" "Terrible? Who knows. I do know we have to tell Johnny and stop there for now." He was getting annoyed, "For Christ sake, we haven't even told our parents about us being an us. We're afraid how *they'll* react! So forget the fans and the rest of the world." He stopped when he saw the heartbroken look on Justin's face. "OK, Lance, I get it, " Justin said quietly, "Do you want to tell Johnny now?" Lance tried to hug him but Justin shrugged out of it. "C'mon, let's go" Lance sighed, "I'm sorry, Curly, I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you too. But you just don't know." Justin turned on him, a major pissed off expression clouding his features, "I *said* I get it. Now let's go." As Justin stalked back into the lounge trailed by Lance, the others looked up apprehensively. JC took charge, "Well?" "Fuck you, C. Where's Johnny?" "In his office probably, where he usually is this time of day," JC said sarcastically. Lance looked surprised at the tone but said nothing. Justin's supposed best friend watched them leave, his mouth set in an angry line. Chris and Joey looked at each other, shrugged and slipped away, determined not to make things worse. In the limo, Lance attempted to smooth things over. He edged closer to Justin who moved farther away on the seat, studiously avoiding looking at Lance. Finally, Lance blurted out, "What the hell, Justin! I'm sorry! It's just that I want to keep you safe. You have no idea how awful the world can be for gays." "And you do?" "I've been at it longer than you. Believe me, I know." He moved over again until he was nearly on top of the younger man, "It would kill me to see you get hurt. You are so beautiful. You are such an easy target for all the hate out there." Justin sighed then, relenting, and snuggled into Lance's embrace, "I can be a big boy, too, Lance. You don't always have to protect me." And he hadn't then, not from Johnny's wrath. "What the fuck are you two thinking? This could screw up everything for everyone or are you two so fucking selfish that you don't care?" They both cowered under the avalanche of insults as he described their behavior in vulgar terms that hurt them both. When he at last wound down, Lance spoke through clenched teeth, "Are you *finished*? You have no idea what you are talking about. We *love* each other. It's not just about sex, it's about caring and supporting and accepting. You don't seem to be able to do any of that. So if you don't like that you have two gay band members, you can find someone to replace me." "And me," Justin added to a shocked Johnny. The threat of losing both of them brought him up short. "OK, OK, let's calm down. I can't pretend to like this or even think it's right but I guess I don't have a choice but to accept it.  But, for God's sake, be careful, a *lot* more careful from what I hear from Lonnie and Dre.  Yeah, I  had an idea– guess you weren't as careful as you thought, huh?"  He picked up a sheaf of papers then, effectively dismissing them. Outside the door, Lance shook his head, "See? You understand? *There's much worse out there.*" But there hadn't been, until now. continue menu