Chapter 13 They stayed like that until they both fell asleep, the comforting of the other's body letting them relax. Lance had no idea of the time when the sound of the door opening woke him up. An older nurse stood in shocked silence. Then her lips drew into that judgmental slash that Lance knew so well. He blushed and then stuttered an excuse, "My friend....was....um....fr-fr-frightened." Without meeting her disapproving look, he slid out of the embrace and got up. Returning to his own bed, he sat and waited for whatever it was that had brought her into the room. When he heard Justin gasp, he looked up quickly. "I'm sorry," Justin said. He had seen the look too and he just couldn't bear much more. So when she had grabbed his arm more roughly than necessary, *he* was the one to apologize. The silence in the room said it all. He bit his lip as she carried out her tasks with methodical but ruthless efficiency. When she turned her attention to Lance, he could feel himself shrinking and he didn't breathe easily until the door swished closed behind her. Lance tried to make a joke, "I think she should work for the army or something." But when he glanced at Justin, he saw the fear, the pain of the last few days magnified by her hatred of their life style. He chewed his lip, knowing that shortly it would get worse. He laid his head back and thought about Justin. They had both started out the group as the babies but Lance's natural maturity always made him seem older. Justin had been the child, trying to maintain his little boy in the midst of very adult pressures. He reminded Lance of Peter Pan sometimes, the same wistful desire to stay a boy forever. And they had all supported that. When the bratty Justin threw a tantrum, they all did back flips to placate him. When the scared Justin cried, they vied for the privilege of comforting him.  When the immature Justin did something stupid, they took turns protecting him from the consequences. Most of those roles had fallen to Lance in the last year and a half but they still all treated him like their baby. And now, all his supports were being ripped away. He was growing up in a hell of a hurry and it wasn't going to get any easier. "Jus?" he directed at the person he loved most in the world. "No matter what happens, just remember, I love you more than I thought it was possible to love anyone or anything." Wide blue eyes met his. "Why are you saying that now? What's going to happen?  Lance, I know you know something you're not telling me." Lance slid out once again, this time taking the chair by the bed. He couldn't not tell him. "Baby, Johnny....." he began and then the door flew open and they were there, their friends, their brothers.   They tumbled in predictably. Joey led the way, looking for a fight, the anger clear on his face, directed at whoever was responsible for this. His heart broke when he saw Justin's battered face. He swept Lance into a bear hug until Lance begged for release, his back throbbing with pain. Chris followed on his heels. For the first time in his life, he was too stunned to make a joke. Words caught in his throat at the sight of his two friends. "Oh man," he breathed softly, "Oh God." Tears filled his big brown eyes and he moved to Justin's side, reaching out for the younger man's hand. Justin was crying too, again, with relief that they were here, that they were together, that they would be safe with each other. JC was last, intense and thoughtful. He was Justin's oldest friend. He always thought of Justin as a younger brother. Justin searched his face now looking for forgiveness for fucking up, for a sign that they were still OK. Justin remembered the argument about the effect of his and Lance's relationship on the group. He remembered swearing that the group wouldn't be affected. JC's face was closed though, unreadable. Justin couldn't look anymore. Then silence fell. The awkwardness was palpable, no one able to start with what needed to be asked, said. Chris began, "We, um,  talked to Jim outside. He kinda filled us in on the details so we don't, um, have to go there, you know...." he trailed off. " Um, we talked to, uh, Johnny too..." JC's voice cut through Chris's like a knife, "Wait! I need to know something." His flinty look pinned Lance to the chair. Lance shuddered knowing what was coming. "How did they know you were gay?" Lance saw Justin flinch, his eyes wide with fear. Lance started, "I don't know, C. I don't." "*Something* gave them a clue. Do you think they break into everyone's room just to check?" His tone was hard. Lance felt tears coming but wouldn't give in to them. Damn! He had gone over the scene a thousand times. They *had* been careful that night. "No, C, it's not what you think. I *was* careful. I even asked for single beds and Curly stayed in the car. Sure I got vibes that he didn't like me but ....." "Why the fuck did you stay there then?" JC shouted at him. It was the same question Lance had asked himself over and over. He gave the same answer, "Because I was tired and Justin was sick and we hadn't seen any other places and God, *I am so sorry*  I didn't keep driving." The last came out in a sob. JC wasn't appeased. All the anger that he had been storing for the last year was headed to the surface and Lance was going to be its target. " I am having a really hard time here. We've been over this before—how you two act together, how you whisper and touch and shoot these looks . Look at you right now, Lance, holding his hand, practically up his butt. Johnny said you were in bed together this morning, Lance! How the hell are we going to deny anything if you keep this fucking shit up?" Lance stumbled out of the chair and moved away from Justin until he was sitting on his own bed, hugging himself, drowning in the anger directed at him. Joey reached out and placed a firm hand on JC's shoulder, "Enough, man, I thought we came to support them." He looked at the two lovers. Lance's head was down and he was shaking, unable to meet anyone's eyes. Justin was huddled into himself, his blue eyes giant saucers, chewing his nails. JC looked angrily from one to the other and turned his back on them. It was more than Justin could take. With a sigh of surrender, he asked "What do you want from us, C?  Just tell us, don't torture us anymore, please?" JC was out of control, "Torture *you*? How much torture do you think it is after every fucking interview, waiting for some reporter to say, `Is there any significance to the fact that Justin and Lance always sit together, I noticed Justin's hand on Lance's back,' or `What was Lance whispering to Justin that made him smile like that?' For over a year, I've been waiting for the big one, the disaster that ends it all for all of us. Well, this is it unless we do something drastic." "JC, cut it out. What the hell happened to you?" Chris spat out, "Jesus Christ, look at them. Do you think they need this shit now?" "No, Chris, let's get it done now," Lance said softly, so low he almost wasn't heard. "We need to know what you guys want. We, actually make that I, know what Johnny wants. Do you all want that too?" Justin looked confused, "What does Johnny want?" Lance said, "He wants us, you and me, to be over so that we can deny our relationship to the press and have that be the truth. He thinks it's the only way NSYNC will survive." Justin wasn't sure what he had been expecting but it wasn't that. He covered his face with his hands and let the tears come for the umpteenth time. Joey, totally uncharacteristically, asked the obvious question first, "Do we still need and want the group?  Because if not, why cause all this pain?" They all looked up then, startled at the idea that NSYNC would cease to exist. "Judging from your faces, it looks like a yes. Is that right?" Four heads nodded. "So now we have the second question, but we need Johnny for this. Chris, go get him, man." Chris hastened out of the room, glad to be away from the swirl of feelings. He didn't have far to go. He found Johnny pacing in the hall. "We need you in there, man, but try not to make it any worse than it already is." Johnny nodded, wondering what had happened. Four heads turned as the door opened. Johnny looked at each one, trying to guess what had gone on. Judging from JC's scowl and Lance's and Justin's tears, JC had not been easy on them. Secretly, he was glad that he didn't have to come off as the lone bad guy, but he also speculated about the damage this would do to the unity of the group. That had been one of its strengths, their perfect blending on and off the stage. The fans always felt that unity and loved it. Lance pulled himself together, "Spell it out, Johnny, so we can decide." JC threw him a disgusted look before turning to look out the window, neatly avoiding the pained expression on Lance's face. Johnny took a deep breath. "First, here are the facts. There are five men who saw you in bed together. Everyone else believes it because someone said so. The police report states that it's a bias crime—anti- gay to be exact. However, the cops are also just repeating what they were told. They don't have any evidence that you two are a couple or even gay. All the touching and looks, seen by EMS personnel and several nurses, can be explained away by `concern for a best friend'." Johnny continued without a pause, "The five men stand to lose a lot themselves. We have discredited them already so it will be easy enough to simply deny anything they say.  Besides, an FBI investigation may be enough incentive to change their story." "So up to now, this is taken care of. But from this point on, every reporter who is worth anything can feel his nose twitch. There will be no peace. Every fucking move will be scrutinized. Lance and Justin, you may as well say goodbye to any privacy at all for the next several months at the very least." "OK, the plan. Simple— no more Justin and Lance. No more touches, looks, furtive phone calls, no more beeper messages, whispers, no more same bed, same room, same bus. No more sitting together in interviews, shit, no more dancing near each other, no clubs together. No more hugs, kisses, sex— none. If that works, then NSYNC may survive. If you don't agree to this you may as well all go home now. I warned you guys months ago, but you were so fucking sure. So that's it.  Let me know your decision." He didn't wait for any comments, simply turning on his heel and leaving. The silence was incredible. Finally Lance let out the breath he had been holding. He was stunned. There *was*  no choice.  He heard his father's voice in his head, " I do know that if you really love him, you'll do whatever it takes, no matter how much it hurts" and he knew what he had to do but he was going to hear what everyone else had to say first.. Justin was still huddled on the bed, looking for all the world like the scared child that he was and no one came to help him this time. As much as he hated himself right now , the thought of no Lance in his life was unthinkable.  Justin alone. He couldn't even imagine that. The other three had their own thoughts centering on their two friends. Chris and Joey loved the two of them together. It was sweet and cute and they cared about each other so much. Neither of them was sure that breaking them up was the answer. But Johnny's logic had seemed so right, so infallible that it was hard to argue with it. JC was happy. He hated seeing them together. Not because he was opposed to their relationship but because of the threat to the group that was always there. And for JC, if it threatened the group, it had to go even it meant sacrifice all around. He was sorry for Justin. He had always let him have his way before and Justin was really hurting but he couldn't give in this time and he had to drive the point home to them.. JC spoke, an edge to his voice that cut like a knife, "Do you get it? You are the two most popular members of this group. The teenies don't want you involved with anyone, but  girlfriends they might be able to accept. You with each other— get a fucking grip!" JC was losing control again but he didn't try to rein it in at all. " How about this question for our little fourteen year olds— `Justin, how does it feel to take it up the ass from Lance?'" Justin's face grew whiter than Lance thought was possible. Even the bruises looked faded. His stricken look stopped JC's diatribe. In a voice so small it was barely there, Justin said, " Please stop. You make it sound so awful." "Sorry, Jus," JC said, stepping toward the bed to comfort his friend. Lance wanted to stop him but he knew what he was going to do and he needed JC to be there for Justin. Silence filled the room again. Justin's hitching sobs began and all eyes turned to him. Lance shuddered and said, "I have another solution." He stopped and took a deep breath, "I'm leaving the group." Justin reacted first, a cry of horror, "No, Lance, don't say that." The other three bandmates stared, holding their breath, waiting for Lance to explain how NSYNC becoming SYNC was going to help.  Lance sighed and continued, " I'm replaceable.  I know we always kidded that I'm not but we all know the truth.  Justin is the only one who can't be replaced.  So I'm going to go and we– I mean you– can announce that I'm the one that's gay, that no one knew, but I let it slip on the trip.  Lou and his  people mistakenly believed that we both were gay and Justin suffered the consequences.  Since I feel responsible for Justin's beating, I choose to resign from NSYNC and you state unequivocally that Justin is not gay.  Without me around, the issue becomes a non-issue. Eventually they'll forget it." It seemed so clear when he laid it out that everyone except Justin found themselves nodding.  Justin just shook his head, "No, God, you guys, we can't let him quit. We can't be NSYNC without Lance.  Why are you agreeing with him?" JC said, "It might be for the best..." "Fuck you, C, then I quit, too," Justin spit out between clenched teeth. JC started to answer, but Chris stopped him, "Justin, listen, man, there are a lot of people who rely on us.  Joey, JC and I rely on you.  Lance is right.  Any one of us could leave and it wouldn't destroy the group.  Your leaving would.  Please don't do us like that." Justin loved his friends but he loved Lance more and even though he was still wrestling with the effects of the rape, Lance's threat made him realize that he didn't want to give Lance up for anything or anyone.  He bit his lip, "I love... Lance broke in, interrupting the words before he lost his courage, " Listen, um, can I talk to Justin alone for a few minutes?" Once they had left, Lance turned to Justin and said bluntly, "I need to leave. Too much has gone down in the last few days...." Justin was terrified. "Lance, you said it was okay, that you still loved me.  Wasn't that true?" "I thought so, Justin, but ..." Lance said, forcing a look of disgust onto his face and Justin paled, looking as if he'd just been punched. "Me.  It's me, isn't it?" he whispered.  Lance didn't answer, couldn't utter such a monstrous lie.  Instead he let Justin leap to his own conclusions, filling in the blanks with his own self-hating messages. "Please, Lance, please let me make it all right.  Don't go. Don't leave me." The pain on his face was unbearable and Lance turned away, leaving the others to pick up the pieces that had been his lover. Lance ran blindly down the hall, not stopping to speak to anyone.  He needed his father, he needed to get away before he changed his mind. This was his last chance to protect Justin from the world and even though Justin was hurting now, he would get over it and go on. Lance's sacrifice meant nothing, only Justin's future was important, and he had assured that. Twenty minutes later they were on the highway, heading for home. continue menu