Chapter 14 Miles away from the hospital,  Lance lay with his head back and his eyes closed, the car increasing the distance between Justin and him with every minute. Jim had been silent for awhile, hoping Lance would sleep but he could tell from the tension in his body that he was awake. "Want to talk?" "What can I say, Dad? Talking about it makes it real," Lance responded, weariness in every word. "Yes, I know," his father said quietly, "But it also helps. All that pain inside will eat you alive.   Let me, your mom, your friends help." "The only one I want is Justin and he's the *only* one I can't have," he sobbed. Jim's face creased into a frown. "But... I thought....Chris said that you told Justin....." he trailed off as Lance's eyes, alive with fire, turned on him. "God, Dad, do you believe that I could ever turn my back on Justin, that I could ever think he was `used goods' as he puts it?" "Lance," Jim said, "then I'm confused.  What happened back there?" "I did what I had to, to make up to Justin for letting him down, to protect him from the press, to make his life okay.  It doesn't matter what happens to me.  I deserve it anyway.  It was all my fault." His father, stunned, focused on the road, not sure what to say. Lance's head fell back on the seat and he sighed. God, he thought, is this punishment for loving Justin? It had only been what...three or four days ... and their lives were totally torn apart. Tears once again rolled down his cheeks and this time he didn't even try to stop them. The silence between them grew heavy.  Jim sighed and began, "Lance, you..." Lance stopped him, " I don't want to  hear any of the reasons why this was a bad idea.  Justin will get over me and go on with the group and be happy and that is all I care about.  And I'm not going to discuss it with you or Mom or anyone else." Jim nodded, knowing when to keep quiet, "Will you stay with us for a few days?" "Maybe.  Right now, I just want to disappear and I know I'll have to face the press before I can do that," Lance responded. Jim sighed.  It was going to be a long trip in more ways than one. Justin wouldn't let himself be comforted by any of them.  He rocked on the bed, tears falling in steady tracks, moaning, begging Lance under his breath, to come back, not to leave him.  He only stilled for the nurses and then resumed once the door was shut.  When Lynn arrived at last, everyone was frantic, hoping that she could help him. Terrified, she ran to Justin's room, anxious to see her baby.  She pushed the door open and saw Justin, as devastated as she had ever seen him.  Running to the bed, she gathered him into her arms and he leaned into her, thanking God that he still had her at least.  She listened to his frantic pleas, wondering what had happened, why Lance wasn't there, but she remained silent, just holding him until he relaxed into sleep.  She laid him down gently and studied his face for the first time, gasping at the bruises, brushing back his curls, tracing the cuts with a gentle touch. "Lance," he murmured in his sleep, the love in the word heartbreaking.  She would find out later. For now, she just wanted to be with him. Her thoughts drifted back. It wasn't unusual for some or all of the boys to crash at her place, so she didn't give it a second thought when Justin said he was bringing Lance home for a few days. She was always happy to see them and she spoiled them terribly when she got the chance. This time though it felt different. She couldn't put her finger on what it was, it was just "different".  She watched Justin for a clue without much luck. She did know that he needed to say something. He always got like this when he had a secret that he needed to share with her.  More hyper than usual,  it was disorienting watching him bounce from spot to spot, only stopping for brief periods. Finally, she couldn't stand it any longer. "Justin, sit down and say what you have to say." Lance, who had been working quietly in the corner of the den, looked up startled and caught Justin's eye. Justin nodded and Lance got up and joined him on the sofa, not touching, but there was something so intimate between them that it was almost visible. All of Justin's nervous habits were apparent—  bouncing his foot, chewing his nails, and humming. "Justin, what is it, baby?" Lynn asked, her anxiety increasing by the moment. Taking a deep breath, Justin closed his eyes and blurted out, "Lance and I are in love." He opened his eyes quickly then, hoping that his mother's response would be positive. The stunned look on her face told him nothing. "Love? You two are in love? Are you *sure*? When? Do the boys know? Have you thought this through? Oh God." She stopped for a breath and looked, really looked at them. They *were* in love. Every glance, every word, every touch screamed it at her and if she had been searching for it, it would have been so obvious. She sighed. Dear God, could their lives get any more complicated? "Mom, please say you're OK with this," Justin said in a tiny voice she hadn't heard in a long time. She smiled to herself. There is nothing I can deny him even if I think this is the biggest mistake of his life. She sighed. At least try, Lynn, she scolded herself. "Justin, Lance, do you have any idea what this means — love. You're both so young." Justin let out a sigh of relief. He knew she was OK even if she needed to give them a hard time for awhile. "Love is caring more for Lance than I care for myself. Love is wanting to spend all of my time with him, to have fun with him, to go to for help and support when I'm hurting, to be there for him. It's only been a few months, but we know." "OK, do you have any idea of how other people will look at you? Not everyone accepts homosexuality." She needed to use that clinical word, to make it real for all three of them. Justin frowned at the word. "You make it sound wrong. It's *not* wrong, Mom. We love each other — only each other." "So you don't think you're gay?" Lynn needed to press the issue. Justin had an incredible penchant for denial, simply refusing to face reality, and he'd suffered the consequences on more than one occasion. She could see his anger building and sought to defuse it, "I just need you two to face reality. Then if you still want to make this choice, I'll support you even though I believe you are both letting yourselves in for a world of heartache." Lance placed his hand over Justin's and whispered in his ear. Justin nodded and his face relaxed. Lynn looked at him questioningly. He laughed and said, "He just said his parents did the same thing for the same reason— that you love us and don't want us hurt." Lynn nodded and tears filled her eyes. Very softly, Justin continued, "We have to *try*, Mom, we *do* love each other. Please." Lynn went over to her child and drew him into her arms, "I love you, Justin, I will always love you and you are a big boy now and I will respect your choices." Their embrace was warm, then she pulled away and turned to Lance, holding out her arms, "You too." From that point on, she had been totally supportive, aiding their secret relationship whenever she could. She had taken their side against Johnny and JC. She had lied to the press. She had provided a cover for them when they wanted to vacation together. The whole time she had worried. What if people found out, what if someone hateful tried to hurt them, what if the group died and it was their fault? It had almost been anticlimactic when Johnny had called with the news. Now, sitting here watching Justin's restless sleep, she wondered what had happened to Lance. She didn't find out until much later when Justin had gone to sleep with the help of medication and she knew it was safe to leave for awhile.  She found the boys in the waiting room and listened quietly to the whole story.  Anger, pain, disbelief were all mixed in together.  Too tired to sort it out, she knew that the only answer was to take Justin home as soon as possible and let him heal there. When she tiptoed back into the room, she found Justin awake, tears running down his face again. Her heart broke for him as she pulled him into her arms once more.  "Mom, he left me.  He *left* me." "I know, sweetie," she soothed, pushing his unruly curls off his face in a gesture reminiscent of his childhood. "He told me that he still loved me even though...even though.... and then he left me.  I knew he would and he said no but...he's gone, Mom.  He's gone." Oh, baby, ssh, ssh," she said, trying to comfort him with soft words and gestures.  She looked into his eyes and saw the shame, the guilt that he carried, and the immense pain that Lance had left there.  "Justin, please, it's not you.  Lance must have had his reasons." "It was *me*.  He told me.  He couldn't be with me after..." he trailed off into a sob.  Lynn let him cry again from what seemed to be an endless well of tears.  Lynn sighed.  It would take a long time.  Perhaps NSYNC was dead after all. It would be several more days before Justin recovered enough to fly home and he spent the days and nights much the same way, crying or repeating his mantra or sleeping in a drugged haze.  No one could make him see reason or get him to eat or bring even a tiny smile to his face.  The first question he asked anyone who entered the room was whether they had heard from Lance and even though the answer was always the same, he never stopped asking. Johnny arranged a press conference without Lance and Justin to announce Lance's departure from the group, determined to short circuit any speculation.  Justin couldn't seem to focus long enough to understand what was happening with the group and Johnny was starting to worry that Justin was losing it altogether.  Lance was at his parents' home and Jim answered the phone, responding in clipped tones to Johnny's plea for cooperation.  Lance had disappeared almost immediately into the den with a bottle of Jack Daniels that no one could wrest from his grasp. It was hard to tease out the threads that were the trauma of the torture and those that were inflicted later by those who were their friends.  It didn't seem to matter.  They both existed in a limbo of sadness, each blaming himself, each wanting the other with an intensity that was physical. The days dragged into weeks and Johnny was reduced to begging the parents to help him save the group.  Lynn went to Justin who was still hiding, refusing to come out, and decided to try a different tack.  "Justin," she began, her voice almost schoolteacher-ish, "it is time to get up and stop moping.  The others need you and you simply can't let them down." He stared at her, as if hearing a foreign language, and answered, "I don't care.  I don't feel like singing or talking or writing music. I just want to be left alone." She bit her lip, not sure how far to push, but she had promised to try, "You *have* to do the press conference this week.  It's been too long with no word from you and the rumors on the internet are getting ridiculous." He shook his head, "I don't care." "Justin, as much as I love you, what you are doing is wrong.  The others are getting hurt for something they didn't have anything to do with." Justin sighed.  He knew he was going to do it.  He could never fight his mother when she made up her mind and he was too emotionally drained to start now. "Fine," he snapped, "when?" "Tomorrow at noon," she said, dreading his reaction. "Fine," he repeated, "can I be alone now?" In Mississippi, a similar scene was taking place, only Jim had to contend with Lance's new best friend Jack Daniels, who was considerably more involved in the exchange than Lance himself.  Jim had wanted to wait but it seemed like Lance was never completely sober these days.  So he waited for the worst of the morning hangover to be over and caught him just before he had gotten too far into the making of a new one. "Lance," he said, trying to focus his son on the conversation, "I need to talk to you." Lance sat up, staring at his father with bleary, reddened eyes that spoke of too many tears and too much alcohol.  "What?" "Drinking is not a solution." "Please, Dad, spare me the lecture.  Now, is that all?" "Actually, Johnny...." "Fuck Johnny," Lance hissed. Jim sighed, "Lance, you owe this to Justin.  If you love him like you say you do, then you have to talk to the press.  You've sat around here in a drunken fog for weeks.  Meanwhile, the rumors are growing by the minute and they're pretty damn close to the truth.  So..." "Shit. OK, OK.  When does *Johnny* want to do this?" "Day after tomorrow so you have some time to sober up." Jim turned on his heel, leaving Lance to another day with his bottle, his only company.  Lance sighed, not nearly buzzed enough to drop the pain into its hidey hole.  He could feel the damn tears again and took a swig, skipping the niceties in favor of a quick return to oblivion. The press conferences were not what the group had hoped.  Justin's had consisted of yes and no answers with all the emotion of a robot. It was very hard to accept the message he was supposed to deliver— that Justin had no intimate relationship with Lance.  Johnny spun the situation and attributed Justin's condition to the trauma that he was subjected to as a result of mistaken assumptions.  The press buzz afterwards seemed favorable and what was left of NSYNC breathed  a sigh of relief. It was a brief respite as Lance's meeting with the press was pretty much an unmitigated disaster. He didn't sober up and was mildly whacked when he showed up, too late to cancel.  Normally a favorite of the reporters for his laughing answers and quick witted retorts, this was a grueling session of disjointed responses and barely audible replies.  When he began to seriously slur his words as the effects of the Jack caught up, Johnny ended the press conference abruptly.  The press buzz was not as promising here but since they all liked Lance they were willing to cut him some slack. They both resumed their previous activities except that now Lance returned to his own home, the parents becoming too much to deal with.  Because Britney and Lynn were at his house in Jackson, Lance flew back to Orlando, causing more rumors but when he didn't try to contact anyone or even come out of his house, people stopped paying attention.  The parents and friends, out of options,  let things go along that way for another two weeks.  Justin, still in his boyhood bedroom, was looking like a scarecrow and his mother was seriously considering hospitalizing him.  Jim was thinking about it for Lance, too, to get him off the booze, even if the effect was short-lived. But before any action could be taken, JC stirred things up in a totally unexpected way. continue menu