Suffer the Children 6 Lance had another dream about being friends with Justin. They were both happy, content to hang out with each other, and not needing the other boys. Then Chris and his friends came and pulled them apart and started beating up first Justin and then Lance. They were crying for help but no one came. "Lance, Lance, wake up!!" Justin said, shaking the other boy's shoulder. Lance's eyes snapped open. He was breathing hard, forcing it out in little gasps. Justin knelt by the bed. "Are you OK?" The door opened abruptly and slammed against the wall. The overhead lights suddenly glowed brightly. Justin looked terrified. Lance, still trying to get control, seemed dazed. A large man, the night monitor, filled the doorway. In two strides, he was next to Justin, his fist gripping the young boy's curls, "What the hell are you doing out of bed, Timberlake? You know the rules." He pulled Justin to his feet and flung him onto his own bed. "I..I.. Lance had a bad dream. I just wanted to help him." "Aw, how cute. Too bad you forgot the rule." He laughed as he saw Justin shrink back into the corner. "Please..." he began. "Please don't punish him. He was just trying to help me," Lance interrupted. If things hadn't been so serious, the look of shock on Justin's face would have been comical. "Shut up. New ain't you? Let him take his lumps or you'll get it, too. That's how it goes here. He broke the rule, he takes the punishment." He dragged Justin to the door, "We'll be back." "Wait," Lance called, "It's not fair. Take me. He ..." Before he could finish, they had disappeared. Lance lay down. What had gotten into him, to offer to take Justin's place, even if it was the right thing to do. Justin was amazing. Even after what he had been through, Justin still tried to help. Maybe he was an angel sent to show the rest of us how to behave. Sure, Lance, he thought, definitely an angel. Justin flew through the door and landed on his bed where he had been thrown. His bottom half was naked and his pajamas sailed in right after him. He tried to move quickly and hide the welts from Lance but he was slower than usual and Lance got a good look. "Holy shit! What did they do?" "A belt," Justin sniffled. "Thank you, Justin." "I had to. You were yelling and I was afraid you would hurt yourself. It was stupid. I know the rules." "You could've let me bang around. But you didn't." "Whatever, Lance, it's getting late," Justin said trying not to read any signs of friendship in the grateful words. His legs and butt stung and he knew he would have a hard time sitting tomorrow, today, whatever. He had to try to hide the injury from the other boys and vaguely wondered if Lance would tell them. He fell asleep praying that Lance wouldn't be that mean. Justin lay awake waiting for the morning to start. He had replayed last night too many times already, looking for clues to what Lance was thinking. He sighed. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Lance didn't want to be his friend. It was a mistake. He launched himself from the bed, angry that hope had snuck in again. He gathered his things and raced for the showers as soon as the alarm went off. There were only a few boys in there and Justin took a stall where he wouldn't be so visible. He didn't want this to be all over even before breakfast. Lance came in and turned on the water next to him. Justin sighed again. Please don't do this, Lance. He finished quickly and left without acknowledging Lance's presence. Lance was a little hurt. Hadn't he defended Justin? So why was he ignoring him? The hurt cycled into irritation. Fuck you, Justin. By the time he made it back to the room, he was angry and nearly knocked Justin over. There was a tension between them that neither moved to break. The rest of the time together was spent in an uncomfortable silence. Once out of the room, they went their separate ways. Justin watched Lance easily slide into the group from dinner, a group Justin had soundly been rejected by. His stomach churned with a loneliness that was so intense it felt physical. He stared at his feet and followed them to the chapel. He liked Mass. He still didn't get it but it was so quiet and peaceful here as if everyone knew to leave their anger outside. He closed his eyes and prayed, "I know you probably don't like me either, God, but I need some help. Could you make at least one kid like me? I would be good to him, I'd do anything he wanted. Please!" Justin took a deep breath and concentrated on the altar, willing away the tears that threatened. Sometimes he wondered if there was a faucet behind his eyes since they were always filling with water. No, Justin, you're just a baby, just like they keep telling you. Mass ended before he was finished beating himself with mean words. Lance didn't look at Justin again. No sense in feeling sorry for him. He was caught up in the antics of his new acquaintances and laughed at their silliness even though he was too new and too shy to join the fun. He basked in their acceptance. He didn't notice the sly looks they directed at Justin, the looks that said, Hey, you little loser, he doesn't like you either. We win again. He didn't see the trembling lips signifying that Justin had received the message. At three o'clock, Justin was headed for the pool, happy for a few moments. He had gotten the highest grade in the class and Mrs. Scott had privately congratulated him. He couldn't wait to tell Joan.  He let his guard down one minute too long and he found himself surrounded by Chris's group. He tried not to let his fear show, standing up straight and looking at them directly. But when he met Chris's gaze, he lost the battle and his own eyes redirected to the floor. "So, little fag, we heard you went to Lancey-Poo's aid last night." Justin didn't answer. His head rocked back as Kevin grabbed his curls and pulled. Justin hissed but didn't say anything. "Well, baby?" Chris asked in a low voice. Justin knew resistance was a waste of time. Better to get it over with now. "He was having a bad dream. I woke him up." "So what did Brian do?  Show us," he said with an evil snicker. Justin's hands automatically went to his pants, gripping the waistband in preparation for the next move. "So, your butt, eh? C'mon you little queen, you know you want us to see." "No," Justin whimpered, "please don't." They ignored him and grabbed his arms, unbuttoning his pants and pulling them down. His briefs followed and he burned with humiliation as they faced him to the wall and studied the red marks. "Whoo-hoo.  Brian must have gotten his rocks off," Joey giggled. Justin tried to make his mind go somewhere else, like he had last night when he heard the sounds coming from Brian, but he was too scared. Oh God, oh God, oh God just hummed through his brain until they were finished and they let go of him. He bent to get his pants and felt a hard slap on his bottom. "One for good measure," Kevin laughed before slouching away. He skipped practice and headed straight for Joan's office. He knew Lance was there but Mary would let him sit on the couch and wait. When he poked his curly head in, Mary smiled, "C'mon in, sweetie. You're early." She looked at his face and knew, "What's wrong, Justin?" "Chris," he said, conveying his fear, his sadness and his resignation in that one word. He went to Mary and let her hug him. It wasn't as good as Joan's but at least he didn't feel totally alone. When she let go of him, she gestured to the sofa, "Lance is in there." Justin nodded and took out some homework. He looked up when he heard the door open. His eyes met Lance's and he nodded hello. Lance nodded back but broke the eye contact quickly and practically ran out the door. Justin had assumed that the actions were directed at him. Lance knew otherwise. Even seeing Justin made him feel guilty that he was part of the way they treated him.  He had promised Joan he wouldn't hurt Justin and less than a day later, he had. He wished he wasn't so confused. Justin shoved his homework in his bag and went to Joan. He hugged her tightly, feeling safe with her arms around him. He was crying again. Someday he would bother to count the number of times tears came to his eyes. But not today. Today they just fell for what seemed like forever. They finally dried up and Joan smiled down, "Well, hello, little boy." He smiled that smile that could melt anyone's heart. "Sorry," he sniffled. "Never be sorry for crying in here, Justin," she said gently. " This is the only safe place you and the other boys have. Now tell me what happened." He lay down next to her and put his head on her lap. He told her about the punishment and Chris and his hope that Lance had changed his mind. She listened quietly, running her fingers through his curls. "Do you think Lance has really changed his mind?" She knew but couldn't tell Justin of the internal battle going on in Lance.  She hoped that doing the right thing would win out in the end, but there were no guarantees. "No," he sighed, "this morning he was the same again." He bit his lip and Joan, alert to his signals, asked, "What?" "Ever since Lance came, everybody seems to be picking on me again. What did I do?" "Nothing. You just haven't `stayed under the radar' as Nick would say. It will die down as soon as people aren't interested in Lance anymore." This explanation left Justin even more confused. "If they're interested in Lance, why do they pick on me?" he frowned. Joan shook her head. There was no easy way to answer this. "They want to make sure he doesn't become your friend." It broke her heart to say that and see his tiny face crumple with the hurt of the rejection. She hugged him to her wondering how much more one little boy could take? Weeks went by and Joan's statement proved true. People stopped paying attention to Lance. He had been adopted by a small group of semi- popular boys that included Nick and Howie. He was a low-key kid anyway so it was easy for people to forget about him. He maintained a civil relationship with Justin but was careful not to be too friendly even in their own room. He didn't want to give Justin the wrong idea. He saw Joan three times a week and had managed to shelve the Justin question for the moment. He still felt guilty but Justin wasn't complaining so he decided to leave things alone. Justin was once again "under the radar", everyone satisfied that he still didn't have a single friend. He watched Lance's group wistfully wondering what it would take for them to allow him in. It hurt that Lance was so distant but at least he wasn't mean either. So Justin poured out his heart to Joan and satisfied himself with his own company. His school work excelled and natural athlete that he was, his swimming was improving enough for the coach to take notice. A month after Lance's arrival, Justin ran to Joan's office, breathless with excitement. Mary jumped as the door banged open, "Whoa, Justin." "Sorry," he said, dancing from one foot to the other, "Is she busy?" When Mary shook her head, he ran into Joan's office, "Guess what?" Joan smiled at him, "What?" "Brian put me on the team," he announced, a huge smile on his face. Joan smiled back, knowing he had been working hard for this. "Wow, I am so proud of you. When do the swim meets start?" "In January. We practice until Christmas and then again when we get back from vacation. Will you come?" Joan nodded, still smiling, but inside her stomach was churning, afraid of the moment when Justin would ask about Christmas. Thanksgiving had come and gone. Many of the boys, including Lance and Justin, were left here with the excuse that the holiday was too short to make the trip home worthwhile. The two boys had cried to Joan but pretended to accept the flimsy lie. Joan had contacted all of the families and had begged them to reconsider but none had. So they all had a dinner together and Joan had dragged her own children to St. Catherine's as well. It was fun in a sad way but Joan was not looking forward to the next holiday. Christmas was coming in three weeks and she was holding her breath. Please don't spoil your happiness by asking today, she prayed. She sighed in relief when he went on to tell her the details of the team and what he would be swimming. They talked until it was time for dinner and Justin had to rush off. Joan crossed her fingers and dialed the number. The pleasant voice that answered shifted to icy when Joan identified herself. Joan took a deep breath and started, "Mrs. Harless, please reconsider your decision regarding the Christmas break. Justin misses you terribly." Like the first time, the response was a flat , "No." Joan persisted, "Why?  I don't understand. He is no trouble. In fact, he has made outstanding progress. He..." "I believe we made our position clear," the other woman interrupted, "Justin is gay and no `progress' is going to change that. Perhaps it would be best if you were honest with him regarding why we no longer want him in our home." Joan wanted to scream. Stay professional, she told herself. "I thought I made myself clear. Telling him is your job. I cannot be made responsible for it and I certainly don't advocate it. He's just a little boy." "Are we finished?" "Yes, I just wish..." but the click ended the conversation. She leaned back in her chair and sobbed for the first time in a very long time. How could parents do this? These were innocent children. They didn't ask to be born. They had rights as children and damn it, parents had obligations. But St. Catherine's was filled with the evidence that some children had no rights and a hell of a lot of parents felt no obligation. Justin was still happy and smiling when he got back to the room. Lance gave him a curious look but didn't ask. "I made the swim team, " Justin offered. "Cool." Lance remained aloof but inside he was torn. Even after all this time, even though they had come to an unspoken agreement, even after he had found his place here, a part of Lance still wanted to be Justin's friend. There was something so good and honest and appealing about the other boy that it was hard to remain neutral. And Justin was unfailingly "nice". It was what made the other boys attack, but Lance loved it. It was safe here. Justin was always there for Lance even though Lance never returned the favor. Lance knew Justin wanted to talk about the swim team, but Lance was afraid. If he let Justin in, there was no telling where things would go. It was better to just shut him out and try to ignore the hurt look that always came, no matter how many times he rejected Justin. So Lance went back to his homework and Justin was left wishing there was one person besides Joan who cared about him and what he did. Joan was still in her office. She had called the Basses and had received essentially the same response. Then it was on to Nick's aunt who had decided to take her own children on a trip and "there just wasn't enough money to bring Nick, too". Howie was an orphan so he was doomed to spend all of his breaks here. She sighed again, her maternal instincts going into overdrive. Well, three weeks to come up with some ideas so that four little boys wouldn't have another wretched Christmas. Turning off the light, she wondered how much longer she could do this continue menu