Suffer the Children 7 Christmas was a week away. Howie didn't need to be told that he wasn't going anywhere but his eyes filled as he asked shyly if he was the only one in his age group being left behind. He was relieved to hear that Nick was staying, too. Nick didn't like his aunt anyway but she could see the hurt in his expression when he realized he just wasn't important enough to include. Howie put his arm around Nick and said that at least they'd be together. They left with small smiles for one another. Lance was next. He knew from Joan's expression that this was not good news. "I'm not going home, am I?" Joan shook her head and watched as his eyes filled with tears. He wiped them away and bit his lip, his favorite method of forcing back the pain. Joan knelt before him and took his hands, "Cry, Lance, this hurts. It doesn't make it hurt less to keep it inside." He shook his head but she knew it was a losing battle as the tears squeezed out between tightly shut lids. She waited patiently until he gave up and threw himself into her arms. His sobs were terrible to hear. It was probably the hardest he had cried in this office. She knew he had held out hope that his parents would come for him. Now he knew that they would not. When the sobs died and the breathing slowed, he whispered, "Why?" Joan had rehearsed the answer. "They believe it is best for you if you spend all of your time here." The lie nearly choked her but she certainly couldn't bludgeon him with the truth. She hoped he wouldn't take it any further. "Am I the only one?" "No, Justin, Nick, and Howie are staying also."  His friends, well, except for Justin. He got up, anxious to check things out with the other two boys. "Um, Joan, about Justin." Joan was silent. She knew Lance still hadn't made peace with his decision to exclude Justin from his life but he needed to bring it up. She wished he would realize that Justin deserved his friendship before the break. Her hope dimmed when he said, "Never mind," and dashed out the door. Justin saw him race past and wondered what Joan had said to him. He peeked around the corner, "Is it OK to come in?" "Sure, sweetie, come on," she said. Things had been going well for Justin. School and swimming were building his self-esteem in little blocks and he was smiling happily at her. "Mrs. Scott says I'll be on the honor roll," he said. Joan nodded absently and he frowned. Joan always greeted these announcements with enthusiasm. "Justin, about the Christmas vacation," she began. His frown deepened, sensing bad news. "Am I going home?" he asked, hope still not dead. She shook her head and watched his face crumple. He swallowed hard and bit his lip to keep it from trembling. Tears started down his cheeks and he wiped them away, angry that he could still be hurt so easily. She opened her arms and he came as he had so many times before and cried against her until the tears dried up. They sat down on the old sofa. "Did they say why?" She repeated the lie she had told Lance and he accepted it because he didn't want the alternative to be true— that they really just didn't want him anymore. He moved on, "Is there anyone else staying?" There was a strong note of fear and she knew he was worried that it would just be Chris and him. But even Chris was going home. "Nick, Howie, and Lance from your floor." She saw the conflict. He liked them all and it was not Chris but they didn't like him, so he would probably spend all of his time alone. At least they wouldn't beat him up and in this place, that meant a lot. "You know what I would like for Christmas?" Justin asked. "No, tell me," Joan said, adding mentally that no matter the cost, she would get it for him. "I want Lance to like me, to be my friend," he said softly. It was the one thing beyond her reach. "Then it could be Howie with Nick and Lance with me." "That would be really nice, wouldn't it?" she agreed, wishing desperately that she had the power to make it happen. She changed the subject and they talked about his swimming. The other boys seemed to have accepted him on the team even though they isolated him once they were out of the pool. It amazed her that all of the boys seemed able to maintain a solid front in this one area— hurting Justin. More incredible still was the fact that this little boy could stand all of it, so far losing none of the loving qualities that made him so special. That week was maddening for the teachers and staff. The boys were thrumming with excitement about going home even though for most of them it would be a less than enjoyable experience. No work got done and everyone slacked off in every area. There was a feeling in the home that bordered on happiness, something most of them had little or no experience with. Even the boys not going home had caught the excitement. At long last, the doors of St. Catherine's had closed on the departing boys and the place had an eerie feeling. The remaining children had been grouped together to accommodate the skeleton staff and there was an edginess as the age groups intermingled. The younger boys were wary and stayed together for self-protection but they didn't need to. The older ones, in the spirit of Christmas, were ignoring them for the moment and stayed to themselves. Justin was especially nervous. He knew that Nick, Howie, and Lance had plans that he was pretty sure didn't include him but he was desperate for company. He found them on the basketball court playing a limited game. Nick was good but Lance was not and Howie didn't really like basketball so the game more or less consisted of Nick taking all of the shots and the other two retrieving the ball for him. Justin edged closer wishing that he wouldn't have to ask but knowing he would. Deep breath. "Can I .. Can I play?" came out in a squeak. The three turned as one and stared. Justin's breath was held as they consulted one another and he dug his nails into his palm to stop the inevitable tears. Nick was apparently the spokesman, "OK. But this does not mean we want to be friends with you." Justin let out his breath. Well, he thought, it's better than no. His love of the game was apparent and he was good. No one had let him play in the four months he had been there and his ball had never come out of Joan's closet. Now, his joy was evident and he was disappointed when the others decided to call it quits. "Why do we have to stop?" he said. "Because we're tired of playing," Lance and Howie said together. "We're going to see if there's a tv we can watch."  It was a rare thing— tv for the younger boys. They were usually muscled out by the older ones. Justin stood biting his lip. He was afraid to push his luck and then a miracle happened. "Want to come?" Lance asked. His two friends looked surprised but merely shrugged. Justin nodded yes, afraid he would burst into tears if he tried to make any words come out. They headed for one of the tv rooms, the three together and Justin trailing. Hope had sprung once again and Justin tagged along happily, not letting the still threatened rejection ruin his moments with them. Lance kept up with Howie and Nick but he was distracted by his thoughts. Why did you do that, Lance? Why did you risk everything with the other two just for Justin? Why did you feel good when Justin seemed so happy? Why are you going soft? Be careful. Even as the thought occurred, another one followed. He wished Justin would catch up and not stay behind all alone. Jesus, cut it out, he told himself. The room was empty and the boys eagerly flipped through the channels at warp speed, arguing about which show to watch. Justin was silent, content to just be with them. They finally agreed on The Simpsons and laughed hysterically at every joke. One show after the other came on and they were beginning their usual argument when Lance noticed the time. "Holy shit! We're late for dinner." They were unused to this much unstructured time and they had lost track. Losing track of the rules at St. Catherine's was usually an unpleasant experience and they ran through the halls, another breach, fearful of the consequences. They stopped just outside the doors, summoning up the courage to face whichever monitor was just inside. Howie was the most popular with the monitors, so they shoved him in first, hoping that he could talk his way out of trouble for all of them. Pete greeted him, "No watch, Dorough?" Howie smiled sweetly, "We got to watch tv and we kinda..." He stopped when Pete patted him on the head and said, "It being Christmas and all..." The others had slunk in behind Howie and were amazed at the affection in the huge monitor's voice. He waved them away and they started toward their seats when they heard his voice, no longer kind. "Timberlake, why are you late?" "I was with them," he said softly but he could tell from Pete's face that he thought it was a lie. He looked to the others to back him up and for a minute, they just stared at one another. Nick sighed, "Yeah, he was with us. But now he's not." He turned and walked away with Howie, leaving Justin alone again. Lance hesitated, but at the last minute, he ran to catch up. Justin felt the tears coming and wiped them away. Hadn't they warned him? He walked slowly to an empty chair and sat down. He wasn't hungry but he knew he had to eat. It was another rule– no wasting food. He tried to hold on to the happy moments playing basketball and watching tv, but the hurt just crashed over him and he was miserable again. Lance was miserable, too. He felt sorry for Justin and wanted to make it better, to get up and go sit with him. But he knew the consequences so he didn't and when he looked up a few minutes later, Justin was gone. They had a free period after dinner so Lance went to Howie and Nick's room and they played a card game. By the time, he came back to the room, Justin was asleep, curled into the little ball that meant he was trying to protect himself from more hurt. Lance got ready for bed, guilt gnawing at him. He stood over Justin and stared down at the sleeping boy. He was so pretty that Lance wanted to reach out and touch him, stroke his curls. He was surprised at the feelings that were swirling through him at the moment. He knew that if he stood there much longer, he would get under the covers with Justin and cuddle next to him. He was confused. Did that mean he liked Justin or just wanted a warm body to make him feel better about spending Christmas here?  He shook himself and sought the safety of his own bed. Lying there, he replayed the day and realized that, unfortunately, he did like Justin. That left him with a big problem. Was he willing to give up his own place in this little world for Justin? He fell asleep with a worried look on his face. Christmas Day. They were excited. Joan had promised to come get them and take them to her house for the day. She had a son near their age and she told them that he had video games that they could play. They were up early— completed their chores, gone to Mass, had breakfast and now they were literally dancing with anticipation. "What games do you think he has?" Nick asked out loud. Lance replied, "I hope it's one like Zelda." Howie scrunched his face.  Having grown up here and in a foundling hospital, he had never seen a game system. They all frowned when he said that and then shrugged. It made sense. Nick snorted, "No way. Basketball or some sport anyway." Justin was silent, trying to stay under their radar. They couldn't leave him here but he didn't want them to exclude him either. If he could just stay invisible, maybe he'd be OK. Lance said, "Justin, which. Sports or Zelda?" He folded his arms, daring Justin to pick sports. Justin looked at the floor, "Either, I guess." He wanted to get out of this safely but Lance had other ideas. "Do you like video games?" Justin met his eyes, pleading to be left alone. "Well?" It was almost a whisper, "Yes." Lance frowned. He was trying to include Justin. Couldn't he see that? Howie's eyes narrowed. He saw what Lance was doing and how uncomfortable Justin was. Howie thought Justin was OK and only went along with everyone else to keep his own butt covered. But here no one would know. It wouldn't hurt to be nice to the kid. "I've never played. Does anyone care about that?" "No, not really," Nick joked, "You are a true loser, Dorough." The three of them laughed together and Justin smiled just a little. "Not as big a loser as Timberlake here. No one matches him." Justin was frozen. He swallowed hard. Lance took one look and crossed the room. "Justin," he said quietly, "he was just kidding." He turned to Nick, "Weren't you?" Nick knew how sensitive Justin was and he nodded, "Sure, Justin, I was just kidding." Justin didn't smile. He had fallen into the trap of believing they liked him too many times. It hurt too much when they turned on him, shredding whatever little bit of self-esteem he had been able to put together. He nodded and moved away, idly picking at the hem of his shirt. Joan knocked and pushed the door open slowly. "Merry Christmas, guys," she said. "Merry Christmas, Joan," they said, scrambling over her like puppies, eager and affectionate. They took turns hugging her, each grateful that there was one adult who loved them and cared about them. Justin was last and he hugged her tightly, almost desperately. She pulled back and looked down at him. She frowned at the other boys, asking silently what had happened. They got quiet and looked at the floor. Lance looked upset. "We hurt Justin's feelings by accident." Joan wondered how much of an accident it really was but she didn't want to ruin the day for everyone by questioning them. She pried Justin's arms from her waist and knelt facing him. "Justin, can we talk about this later? Ellen and Mike are waiting for you guys." He nodded and took her hand, letting the others know that he had someone in his corner, too. The short ride began in silence but the boys were too happy to be out of St. Catherine's to keep the mood somber for long. When they pulled up, they tumbled out, racing up the walk. Ellen was at the door, waiting and they stopped short, trying to behave. If there was one thing these boys knew, it was how to behave politely. They went inside and waited quietly for Joan to introduce them. "Ellen, this is Nick, Howie, Lance, and Justin," she said, pointing to each boy, who then shook hands and greeted her. Once that was finished, they shuffled restlessly. Joan laughed with Ellen over their heads, knowing exactly what they were thinking. "Shall we find Mike?" she asked, all innocence. Three heads nodded enthusiastically and one halfheartedly. "OK, let's go." Mike was downstairs in his cave, as Joan named it. It was messy and dark and video games were strewn all over the floor. The boys stood and stared openmouthed at the sight. They would have been beaten within an inch of their lives if any room of theirs looked like this. Mike looked up from his game and said, "Hi", but he was too busy for introductions, so he just waved for them to sit. Nick nudged Lance and threw him a satisfied smirk when he recognized a sports game on the tv. Lance shrugged and looked around for a seat. Joan moved some of the mess and motioned to the sofa where they all squeezed in. "Mike?" she started, "Do you remember what we ....?" "Yeah, yeah, Mom, one minute." He answered, shocking the boys once again. If they had answered anyone at St. Catherine's that way, they would have been knocked across the room and here Joan was, laughing and smiling affectionately at her younger child. After one more play, he paused the game and looked around. "I'm Mike. Who are you?" One after the other, they said their names and held out a hand. Mike nearly laughed but instead, politely responded to their introductions. "OK, who wants to play?" Nick's hand shot up. "No one else?" Mike asked, a little surprised. "I like action games," Lance offered. "I've never played a video game. I'll watch for awhile," Howie said. Justin said nothing. Mike frowned, "Don't like video games, Justin?" "I like them," he said in a soft voice. "So you play with Nick then. OK?" Justin didn't move. He looked at the other boys as if waiting for permission. When Nick nodded, he took Mike's place and they restarted the game. Mike stood up and went to stand with his mother. "What happened just now?" he whispered. Joan shook her head, mouthing later to him. He shrugged and raised an eyebrow. "I'm going upstairs to start the turkey. Call me if they get crazy." It was unlikely as the four boys were totally mesmerized by the game. Even Justin had forgotten his hurt feelings and was soundly beating Nick. Mike nodded but was soon lost in the game himself. Upstairs, Ellen sat in the kitchen waiting to be told what to do. Joan walked in smiling, "They're in love with Mike. We could probably leave for the day and they wouldn't notice. Listen, sweetie, you start peeling and I'll start the turkey." They started working comfortably together. "El, I want to thank you for letting them come. I know it's your first Christmas home after being away  and you probably didn't want company..." "Mom, it's OK. They're cute actually and I know that you would have been miserable if they were alone over there." She said over there as if it were a prison. "Did you get permission for them to spend the night?" "Yeah, I did. But it's a surprise. They think they have to go back. I'm sure it's going to be a late night." "For you and Mike maybe. I'm outta here after they open their presents. I do have a boyfriend, you know." Joan smiled at her daughter, wondering how she ended up with such great kids. Downstairs, Nick was working hard to keep Justin from killing him. At the end, Justin won by a slim margin. He smiled but didn't gloat. He didn't want anything to spoil the good feelings. "OK, Lance, your turn. What action game? Find one if you can. I think Zelda is on the floor over there." Lance dug around and eventually was successful. As they inserted the game, Mike said, "Howie, want to try?  I'll help you." Nick laughed, "He'll need a lot of help. Right, dork boy?" Howie laughed and hit Nick's arm. "You didn't win, did you?" He sat and studied the controller for a minute until Mike leaned over and gave directions. "Ready?" Lance asked, impatient to get started. And then they were back at it. All eyes were on the screen and there were lots of hints from the peanut gallery. Howie caught on quickly and they were soon all shouting warnings. Joan heard the delighted laughter upstairs and sighed. Ellen gave her a quizzical look. "It's just that they have so little fun. Everything is so regimented at St. Catherine's, it feels like the army. They hardly ever get to be little boys." " Why did Justin look so sad when he got here?" "I'm not sure. I think they went after him again. I actually thought things had started going well but when I got there this morning, he looked miserable and he was by himself. I'll find out later." She looked around the kitchen. "Good start. Let's take a break. Want to watch them?" "God, no," she laughed, "You know me and video games. I'll go call Tom. Find out what he got for Christmas and all. Catch you later." Joan went downstairs and was glad to see no one paid attention. She watched them enjoying themselves and was grateful that she could give them this day. She laughed when Howie swore and then looked up to see her standing there. "Oops, sorry." She smiled and he went back to the game. Justin moved over to make room for her. She sat and he snuggled in under her arm. Nick pretended not to care but when Joan offered to shift so he could do the same on the other side, he scrambled to his feet. When they were all settled again, she kissed the tops of their heads. The day passed quickly, too quickly for the boys, who were realizing they would have to go back soon. Dinner was filled with funny stories about Ellen and Mike growing up. It was sad to see the looks of wonder on their faces as they understood that some children grew up loved and well-treated. That every action didn't necessarily warrant harsh punishment. That some kids were free to be themselves. Joan told the funniest stories mainly because she enjoyed their childish laughter. She took them into the den where the tree was set up. They looked at it with shining eyes, comparing it to the one at the home which only had a few decorations on it and dropped needles freely. They saw the opened pile of gifts and each wished someone cared enough to give a gift, no matter how small. Without a word, Mike reached under the tree and handed two packages to each boy. They stared at the gifts, unable to believe that a wish had come true. Paper tore and boxes opened and each boy found gifts that were personal from Nick's art set to Justin's autographed photo to Lance's and Howie's CD players with their favorite music. In addition, they each received a sweater in favorite colors. Joan watched them, thrilled that they were so happy. They came in a bunch and threw themselves on her, hugging and kissing and saying thank you. "How would you like to spend the night here?" she asked. "Yes," they shouted all together. "Mike will get you ready for bed and then you can watch tv for awhile before you go to sleep." They ran after their Pied Piper and were soon back and draped all over him as they did the guy thing with the remote. She loved those boys. She wished she could keep them forever. continue menu