Suffer The Children 5

Suffer the Children 5

Bells! Alarm bells! The sound finally roused Lance who had been
dreaming of a happier place. He worried his lip when he realized that
he and Justin had been friends in the dream, laughing and playing. He
shook his head. It wasn't a good idea to be too friendly with Justin.
Hadn't that kid at dinner said that? Lance made up his mind. Short
term solution— stay neutral— would that be possible or would Justin's
mere presence in his life mean he was choosing Justin over the others?

As if reading his thoughts, Justin swung his legs over the side of
the bed and gave him a pained look. "Me and Nick just talked in the
room. The rest of the time he ignored me. Or teased me in front of
the others. I know why he did it. Billy was right. I
don't...don't ...even...have... one friend here," he said in a tired,
small voice.

Lance didn't know what to say. He stared at him dumbly, wondering if
Justin was offering Nick's option as a solution. Without a word, he
stood and started getting ready.

Justin felt new tears. He had hoped against hope that Lance would
tell him that he wanted to be friends and didn't care about the other
boys. "Remember to make your bed and make sure everything is very
neat. They check while we're gone and we get hit if anything is out
of place, " he said quietly before leaving for the shower.

Lance followed him quickly, not out of sympathy, but because he
needed direction. Justin's whispered "Shit" under his breath made
Lance nervous. Justin merely ducked his head and made a move for an
empty stall but before he could get there, he was cut off by a boy
who appeared too big for this floor. He outweighed Justin by a lot
and was at least three inches taller.

"That's my spot, fag," he hissed. Justin nodded and tried to move to
a different spot. "Or maybe this one," Lou said, again blocking the
smaller boy. All the boys were watching now and Justin was frozen.
Lance had backed away leaving Justin to fend for himself. Lou got up
into Justin's face, "Tell me I can have whichever one I want."

"You can have whichever one you want," Justin repeated softly.

"Damn right, you little fag," the bully spat and then with a casual
backhand, he knocked Justin down, shampoo and soap skittering across
the floor. No one moved. Finally, Justin got up slowly and retrieved
his things. He waited until Lou had made a choice and then he slipped
into an empty space, thanking God for the streaming water that
disguised his tears. He didn't look around for Lance at all.

Lance had watched in fear. He wasn't very brave and the thought of
things like that happening to HIM every day just because he was
Justin's friend, well, he didn't want to think about it. He finished
up and walked slowly back to the room, the image of Justin all alone,
fighting back tears, stuck in his brain. He didn't want to feel
sorry, to comfort, to get in any deeper. He wanted to be safe, to
have friends of his own, to be normal and not the outsider Justin
was. Fuck Justin, anyway, what was wrong with the kid anyhow that
everyone hated him? His anger rose, covering the fear and allowing
him to ignore Justin when he came back.

They finished up in silence, broken only when Justin said they would
be late for Mass if they didn't hurry. Lance wanted to know what Mass
was but he didn't want to give Justin an opening. He noticed the hurt
look but he wasn't giving in to it. Take care of yourself, his brain
screamed.
So it was a surprise when Justin continued to be nice to him, telling
him what to do, what not to do, a much longer list, and didn't ask
for anything in return.

At breakfast, Joan came looking for Lance to take him to Sister
Connie. She saw them sitting together and knew it was all wrong. She
recognized the way Justin's little body curled up when he was hurt
and trying to protect himself. Lance, on the other hand, had anger
coming off in waves. She sighed, knowing there was no time to deal
with it right now. She wanted to hug J but knew better— he didn't
need more teasing. So she simply said hello and was rewarded with a
tiny version of his usual sweet smile.

Lance fell into step with her. She looked at her watch but time was
too short so she merely said, "Come to my office right after school.
One of your classmates will direct you." Lance jumped at the coolness
in her voice and his defensiveness increased. Well, Justin was her
pet, wasn't he? But what about me?

Joan saw the flicker of hurt before he covered it. She regretted her
tone. It was just that it was so painful seeing Justin suffer for no
reason. But she also knew that Lance was a good kid and that he was
just trying to fit in to this nightmare as unobtrusively as possible.
She couldn't play favorites like that. She sighed, "Lance, I'm sorry
for the tone. I'm a little distracted. I didn't mean to hurt your
feelings."

"You didn't," he answered stiffly but inside he felt relief. He
really didn't want her to think badly of him. Well, you prick, if you
keep being mean to Justin, she'll hate you. Yeah, and if you don't,
all the others will hate you. He was glad when they arrived at their
appointment and the internal dialogue ended.

The interview went well, the school day was OK. Lance liked Ms.
Kendall and he had relaxed by lunch. Several of the boys asked him to
sit with them and he only hesitated for a second before agreeing. He
felt a twinge of guilt when he saw Justin waiting for him but he
pushed it away and didn't look again at the lonely boy sitting by
himself.

At three, he found himself in Joan's office, waiting for some other
child to leave. Mary smiled but Lance was too anxious to respond so
he sat tapping his fingers on his leg, studying the picture on the
wall. He only looked when the door opened and Joan motioned to him.
He passed nervously by the other boy and took his seat by the desk.

Joan sat in her own chair and looked at him, noticing his fingers
twining together, his lower lip caught between his teeth. "What's
wrong, Lance?" she asked gently.

"Uh, nothing," he lied, "I thought you wanted to see me."

"Yes, because something is wrong. What happened between you and
Justin?"

"Nothing," he said angrily. He didn't want to tell her how scared it
made him to see how the others treated Justin so instead he said, "I
just don't want to be his friend."

She couldn't hide her disappointment but she tried anyway, "Why,
Lance? You seemed to get along so well yesterday. He really needs a
friend and you two have a lot in common."

"He doesn't even have one friend here. I ...I...," he said.

"...can't be his only friend?" Joan finished, making it a question.

"Yeah," he answered miserably and hung his head. He wasn't mean and
this felt awful but he was so scared.

"Lance. I won't tell you what to do. You have to follow your own
heart and your conscience but I will tell you some things. Justin has
not done one thing to deserve the treatment he gets. It could have
been anyone that they chose to torture. Justin is just unlucky enough
to be the one they picked. He really deserves a friend— he's a good
boy. The sad part is that he will still be nice to you even when you
hurt him. If you can't be his friend, could you at least try not to
hurt him?"

Tears streamed down Lance's face and he couldn't say anything. He
just nodded and stared at his hands. He was surprised when Joan
hugged him, her heart breaking for the dilemma this child had to
resolve.

They sat on the couch and when he was finally cried out, they talked
about school and he told her what had happened during the day. He
left out the cruel scene in the shower. Joan glanced at her
watch. "Are you OK now?" she asked softly. He nodded and smiled a
little. Ruffling his hair, she reminded him about the haircut. She
called Mary in and asked her to show Lance where to go and what to
do. She hugged the young boy briefly again, "See you tomorrow for
sure. Come around the same time. OK?" He nodded once more and
followed Mary out the door.

Joan walked to the open window and looked out over the dirty pavement
that served as a playground. Boys were pushing and shoving, their
games releasing the emotions they didn't want to know. Raucous
laughter filled the air as the teams fought for control of the ball.
She gasped when she saw him, trying to be invisible but so wanting to
be a part of the game. His hair was still wet from the pool but she
knew he needed to watch even for the few minutes before their
appointment. She saw his body straining to match the motion on the
court. She prayed no one would see him but as he turned to slip away,
she knew the prayer had been in vain.

"Hey, Timberlake, your new boyfriend ditch you already? Do you smell
or something?" The game shifted from basketball to Justin. He tried
to run but they were too fast. She saw Chris grab his arm and spin
him around, twisting his arm behind his back, "What are you doing
here anyhow? Did you want to play?"

Justin's face grimaced in pain. He didn't answer until his arm was
raised even further, "Yes'" he hissed between clenched teeth.

"Did you actually think we would let you?" Chris snorted as he yanked
upward again.

Justin couldn't help the cry of pain that escaped along with the
whispered, "No."

Chris released him suddenly and the little boy fell to the ground. He
gingerly brought his arm forward and rubbed it, his tears falling
freely. He rubbed his face with his sleeve, trying desperately to
hide his weakness from them. But like hunters following prey, they
knew he was cornered. The older boy began the chant, "Baby– Baby–
Baby" until all of the boys were gathered around the huddled child,
the words thrown at Justin like weapons until he wanted to curl up
and die.

Joan hadn't seen the whole incident. Before they even caught him, she
ran to the phone and begged James to rescue Justin. She knew her
presence just reinforced their hatred so she forced herself to return
to the window and watch, heartbroken for this baby. When James
stormed out a minute later, the group broke up. Chris showed no
remorse and merely shrugged when James sent him to his office to
await his punishment. The older man bent down to Justin and helped
the little boy to his feet, saying something Joan couldn't hear.
Justin smiled a tiny smile and disappeared into the building heading
to Joan's office.

He was still rubbing his arm when he came in, his tear-streaked face
dirty where he had wiped it.
She shut the door and he came to her sobbing. She sat them down,
rocking him for a long time, until his breathing got regular and she
felt him relax. While she sat there, she wondered what she could say
to him. It had all been said. But with every new incident, her
message got buried deeper and their message became truth.

She took a breath, "I saw what happened, Justin."

He sighed, "I only wanted to watch. I knew they wouldn't let me play.
Why can't I even watch?" She shuddered. He asked impossible
questions, questions that had no kind answers. When she didn't
respond, he said, "Lance doesn't want to be my friend." He said it
softly but with so much pain that Joan almost cried.

"Oh Justin, I'm so sorry. Did he tell you that?"

"He didn't have to. It's just like Nick. Did I do something wrong?"
he asked, a little hitch in his voice as if he was ready to cry again.

"No, Justin, you didn't do anything wrong," she said. "And it isn't
you either."

"It is, it has to be," he cried, "why else would I have not even one
friend?"

She took his hand and made him stand in front of a small
mirror. "What do you see?"

"Me."

"What is `me' like?"

"A stupid boy who nobody likes. A baby who cries all the time," he
responded scowling at the image in the glass.

Softly she said, "Want to know what I see?" He nodded, wondering what
she saw. "I see a sweet child who has been hurt very badly for no
reason. I see a smart little boy who does well in school. I see
Justin who deserves to have many friends because he is one of the
kindest, most forgiving people in the whole world. And he's fun, too,
and a good basketball player!"

He smiled a little at that but he shook his head. "How come you are
the only one who can see that Justin?"

"I'm not," she said simply. "It's just that some people are jealous
and they want you to think that you are only the bad things. Don't do
that, baby." He hugged her tightly, wanting her vision of him to be
the real one.

They sat and talked but he didn't mention the several run-ins he had
within the last twenty-four hours. What was the point? No one could
do anything to change his life. It was what it was, a constant battle
to stay ahead of his tormentors and when he was not successful, a
quest to keep his feelings hidden. Too soon, his time with Joan ended
and his safety was gone for another day.

He hurried back to the room to change out of his uniform, hoping that
everyone was tired of harassing him for awhile. Lance was on his bed
doing homework when Justin walked in. "We can't lie on the bed with
our pants or shoes on and you have to sit at the desk to do your
homework," he said.

"Why?"

Justin shrugged, "I don't know. Those are the rules. I do know that
disobeying rules around here means bad things."

"Did you get in trouble?"

"Only a couple of times, till I remembered the rules. They hit or
make you kneel down on rice or hold things out until your arms want
to fall off. It makes you remember," Justin answered. He had changed
and hung up his clothing carefully. He bit his lip and took a
chance, "Are you going to sit with anyone at dinner?"

"Um," Lance hesitated and Justin knew the answer.

"OK, see you later," the smaller boy said, his eyes shining with
unshed tears. Sometimes, you are so stupid, Justin. What did you
expect?

Lance watched him go and felt guilty but not guilty enough to change
his mind. At dinner, he sat with boys from his class and laughed at
all of their jokes and stories. He got quiet though when one of the
boys related Justin's humiliation on the basketball court. He felt a
pain in his stomach as he realized what Justin went through every
day. He cast a quick glance over at the lone child eating his supper,
staring at his plate. Damn, don't get soft, he told himself.

After dinner, he looked at the spot where Justin had been and
realized he had slipped out when no one was paying attention. He
jumped when he heard one of the boys, "Earth to Lance. Hello-o-o. We
asked if you wanted to hang out with us. So, what's the answer?"

Lance couldn't get the picture of Justin alone at the table out of
his mind. "Um, I have a lot of homework. Another night, OK?"

The boy was suspicious, "Be careful, Lance. Everybody hates him."
Lance nodded, not even pretending that he didn't know what they were
talking about.

Justin didn't look up when Lance came back. Lance busied himself with
his own work and then stopped. "Mrs. Kendall is really nice," he said
out loud.

Justin was surprised, "Yeah, she is. Most of the teachers are nice."
He hesitated, "Why are you doing this?"

Lance looked confused, "What?"

"Being nice," Justin said carefully. "I saw you with your friends and
I saw them looking at me and laughing." Lance had no response. Justin
turned away, finished his homework, and got ready for bed. Lance was
not far behind. Slipping between the sheets, Justin turned off his
light. Then in a whisper, Justin said, "I didn't like what Nick did.
It hurt." He faced the wall and it was only by his shaking shoulders
that Lance knew what it cost him to say that to him.

Lance hated the pricking of the tears he felt coming. Oh God, please
show me what to do. It was much later that he was able to close his
eyes and let sleep take him.

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