STC 16 The next afternoon, Sister Anne made them kneel on grains of uncooked rice for an hour to "contemplate your sins" she told them.  By the end, Justin was crying and when she finally released them, he looked to Lance for support.  Lance had actually thought about the whole problem as the grains dug into his skin through the cloth of his pants. How come it was ok to make their knees hurt or to shake them or to take away love or not write or call?  How come that was all ok and kissing Justin was not?  He and Justin hadn't slept together in weeks and he missed the warm body pressed up against him, Justin's curls tickling him through his pajama top.  Sometimes he heard Justin crying alone in the dark but he couldn't say anything because he knew they would end up in the same bed and he wouldn't be able to keep from touching the younger boy. Was it wrong to make himself and Justin happy?  He thought of what Howie said about not believing that God would think that something that great was wrong.  So why did so many adults believe it was? Joan doesn't think it's wrong, he said to himself.  And Joan loves us and wants us to be happy. He looked at Justin, his lower lip trembling, wanting Lance to protect him, to be there when the world seemed too mean.  And Lance wanted to be there.  He went over and brushed the knees of Justin's pants where the grains clung to the material. Justin looked down and reached to touch Lance's hair but at the last moment he pulled back, afraid of being seen or that Lance would be angry with him. They walked back to their room, Justin still sniffling, wiping his eyes with his fists, valiantly attempting to hide the tears from the boys who passed by. It had been bad enough that they had to kneel in the hall. The word had spread during the day and many of the older boys made it a point to detour past Sister Anne's office and smirk at the two boys, whispering malicious comments that only Lance and Justin could hear. Now Justin simply wanted to escape to the safety of their room. He knew he couldn't ask Lance to hold him but at least they would be together. Lance was lost in thought. He still was trying to make sense of the contradictions in his life. The powerful need to hold Justin and to be within the circle of Justin's unconditional love was becoming overwhelming, sweeping any arguments out of the way, like a wave that leaves the sand pristine in its wake. He looked at Justin, his shoulders drooping, the shame that Sister Mary and the others had placed on them, radiating from him. It wasn't right. Justin didn't deserve the shame. He was good and kind and loving, not bad and sinful. Lance couldn't even feel sorry for himself. He was caught up in the need to protect Justin from hurt. Justin undressed and folded his clothes automatically before crawling into the corner, hugging his pillow and rocking back and forth, wishing desperately that Lance was next to him and not across the room.  "Lance, what did Kevin say to you?" Lance didn't answer.  He couldn't tell Justin that Kevin had said, "Better watch your little girlfriend.  We haven't forgotten him." And the look in his eyes as he stared at Justin had frightened Lance. Justin tuned in to Lance's hesitation, "Was it bad?" Lance nodded.  "Just some sick shit.  You know him" Justin's eyes widened in fear.  Somehow he figured it was about him and he no longer wanted to know what the older boy had said.  He wanted Lance to hold him even more right this minute, to tell him everything would be okay.  He rocked harder. Lance watched as Justin squeezed his eyes shut and pulled the pillow tighter into his body.  It seemed so long ago that he had made Justin feel that bad and now all he wanted was to cuddle with him and keep the world away.  Lance sighed and got up, crossing to Justin's bed and sitting on it. When Justin felt Lance's weight on the bed, his eyes snapped open and he swallowed hard.  Hadn't they just knelt on rice for an hour for doing this?  Hadn't they agreed that the adults were right and they would go to hell for this? Hadn't Lance said they couldn't do this anymore? He waited for Lance to do something, to tell him what to do. Lance sighed and lay down on the bed, patting the empty space next to him.  Justin didn't move for a moment and then he scooted down and stretched out just inches away from Lance.  Lance looked into his eyes and saw not only the frightened eleven  year old boy but someone he could love forever.  He moved closer and kissed Justin gently, feeling the trembling in the younger boy's  body. Justin rolled onto his back and looked up at Lance.  "Why?" he whispered.  He had so many questions but if Lance could answer that one, maybe the others didn't matter. "Because, baby boy, we love each other and this just can't be wrong. It can't be, Justin." Lance responded with an intensity that surprised even him.  "Please tell me it's ok with you." Justin giggled, "Lance, I promised God that if he sent me a friend I would do or say anything to keep that friend.  Now I love you.  So whatever you say or do is okay with me." They kissed again but this time it was less sweet and more needy, the beginning of what they couldn't say.  Then Lance backed off the bed. He smiled at Justin's pout.  "Later.  Did you like kneeling on rice? Because I didn't.  Besides, we have homework." They both laughed then, the thought of doing homework the last thing on either of their minds. They separated just in time as Brian burst through the door, hoping to find them breaking some rule.  But they were each just sitting quietly on his own bed.  He looked at them, suspicion in his eyes.  "What were you two doing?" "Kissing," Lance replied as a joke, but when he saw the stricken look on Justin's face, he added, "Just kidding." Justin nearly choked on the sigh he let out. "Very funny, smart ass," Brian snarled. "We were just talking, Brian, cool it," Lance answered, a thirteen year old attitude creeping into his voice.  But when Brian moved close to him and got up in Lance's face, the bravado died. "Sorry, man," Lance said. "Yeah, well, don't fuck with me, Bass." Then he turned on his heel and left, disappointed that he couldn't inflict some pain. Brian's appearance had broken the mood and the two boys actually did get some homework done before they joined Howie and Nick for dinner. The dinner conversation turned to the talent show, scheduled for Justin's birthday.  Lance teased him that they had done it on purpose so that when they won, it would be a present for him.  Justin shrugged.  He wanted to win for Lance. Lights out couldn't come quickly enough for the two boys, especially since they needed to wait for at least the first bed check before getting in together.   Justin closed his eyes and thought about the afternoon and the kiss.  It felt incredible and it made him feel all tingly in places where tingly was wonderful.  It made him want to touch himself or let Lance... no, that was too sinful.  Justin wasn't even sure that the kissing wouldn't damn them forever. Lance was touching himself, afraid that if he was in the same bed with Justin feeling this way, there was no telling what would happen.  He was trying to be quiet but he knew that Justin was listening to the little moans that kept escaping.  Sister Anne constantly warned them about S-E-X but she blushed when the boys tried to get real information and instead, waved her hands and said, "Oh, you know...." when they really didn't.  So he didn't know what Justin was making of the sounds but so far he hadn't asked Lance what he was doing. Justin was listening and he had a fair idea of what was going on.  He only wished that Lance's hand... no, Justin, don't go there, he told himself.  So he did what Sister had taught them to do in times of temptation, pray the rosary.  Within minutes, the repetitive prayers had lulled him into a doze so he missed the end of Lance's efforts. Afterwards, Lance dozed as well, dreaming of Justin. It was sometime much later that Lance woke up and crawled into Justin's bed.  At first, Justin didn't wake up, just shifted in his sleep to accommodate the older boy.  Lance nuzzled Justin's curls, savoring the fragrance of his shampoo, and the clean smell that he recognized as Justin.  He had missed that over the last few weeks. Lance's breath tickled and Justin began to wake up.  He was startled momentarily when he realized that he was not alone for the first time in a long time.  He rolled over and faced Lance, smiling in the darkness.  He touched Lance's lips and traced the smile that answered his own.  "Are we going to kiss again?" he asked in a whisper. "Do you want to?" Lance asked, praying that the answer was yes. Justin didn't say anything, just leaned into Lance and pressed his lips to the other boy's with gentle pressure.  Lance's mouth opened slightly and Justin slipped his tongue inside, sliding it on teeth and tongue.  And then their desire took over and they explored each other with kisses and caresses. When Lance let his fingers trail up the inside of Justin's thigh, the younger boy gasped.  Lance stopped short of actually touching Justin.  He was too damn young, he told his body.  So he had to be content with the innocent touches that he would allow himself. Justin was not so concerned about age and he touched everywhere, marveling at the shape and the texture and how hard it was.  Justin missed the fact that he was responsible for it being hard in the first place.  When Lance gasped, Justin took that not as a sign of encouragement but as a sign to stop and he reluctantly pulled his hand away.  Lance sighed in frustration but decided that maybe that would be too much for the first real time so he didn't tell Justin what he really wanted. Justin rolled away from Lance, surprising the older boy.  "Jus, what's wrong?" Justin didn't answer and when Lance pulled him into a tight hug, the child tensed.  Lance was getting scared, "C,mon, Justin, talk to me. Did you not like it?  I swear, I'll never do it again if that's what you want." Lance could hear the beginnings of tears.  "I like it.  I really like it a lot and ... It's just that...." he trailed off as the tears took over.  Lance was desperate to know what would come after the "just that..." but he knew the younger boy just needed to cry for the moment.  So he held Justin until he stopped shaking and turned over to face Lance, their noses almost touching. The moon had moved and a sliver of light pierced the darkness and illuminated the sweet face staring at Lance so earnestly.  Tears still sparkled on his eyelashes but Lance was afraid to reach out and wipe them away, afraid of unleashing new tears.  "Ummm, Jus, can you tell me what's wrong now?" "I love you, Lance, and I know I said I would do anything you wanted me to and I want to touch you and kiss you but when I do I see Sister Mary and my mom and Paul and they are all so angry and they say we are going to go to hell and....I'm so scared.  I don't want to go to hell.  You either.  Please don't hate me because if you hate me then I will have to take the chance because hell would be better than you hating me." It all came out in a rush and Justin was breathless at the end.  He searched what he could see of Lance's face in the dim shadows. Lance sighed.  "Oh, Jus, I don't hate you.  Maybe we should go talk to Joan again.  But for tonight, let's just go to sleep." Justin nodded and then he bit his lip, "Do you still love me?  `Cause I love you." "Yes, Justin, I still love you." Justin sighed happily and rolled over and spooned comfortably into Lance's body.  "Good night, baby boy." "Good night, Lance." Pete came in much later and shook his head.  Didn't they just get punished for this?  He moved to the bed to shake Lance and then stopped.  There was little enough love in this place.  He left the room as quietly as he had come, muttering to himself that his softness would cost him his job.  He surprised himself with the thought that he didn't really care. The next day they couldn't wait to go see Joan.  Justin skipped practice and met Lance in her office.  Mary raised an eyebrow when they came in and then smiled.  She missed them now that they weren't there so often.  She hadn't seen them in weeks and she was sure that they had both grown.  Justin was still skinny but he had gotten taller and she could tell from his large hands and feet that this was only the beginning.  Lance was taller as well and was growing out of his baby fat.  His face was slowly losing its' small boyishness. "So, what's up?" "Is she busy?" Lance asked nervously.  There was always a parade of hurt boys in this office and he prayed she would have time.  Mary looked at Joan's appointment book. "Hmmm.  She is pretty busy." She saw the crestfallen looks on both their faces and she laughed, "Let me talk to her.  I imagine she'll make time for you two." When a teary-eyed child slipped out moments later, Mary went in. When she came out, she motioned them in to Joan's office with a smile, "See, I told you." They went in and sat down.  Joan looked at them.  They hadn't needed her lately and even the disaster with Sister Mary hadn't really seemed to bother them too much.  So, why were they sitting here looking as if they were heading to an execution.  She sighed and waited, impatient because she knew her schedule would back up, but loving them enough to let them do it at their own pace. Surprisingly, Justin began, "We need to talk to you." Joan nodded. That much she had figured out.  "Sister Mary and Mom and Paul and Lance's parents all say it's a sin to kiss boys and that sinners go to hell.  Nick and Howie and you say it's ok.  Last night....last night..." he stopped and stared at his hands in his lap. When he didn't continue right away, Lance continued, "We were kissing and touching last night." He said defiantly as if Joan would chastise them. "And..." she encouraged. "And you know Sister Mary and my mom and dad and my pastor and Justin's parents and Sister Anne all think it's bad," he repeated in case Joan hadn't heard the first time. "Yes," she said, waiting for him to continue. "Well, Howie and Nick do it, too, and they don't think it's bad and you don't think it's bad, do you?" Joan was not surprised to hear about Nick and Howie and hoped she could use the friendship to help the two boys sitting in front of her. "You know I don't think it's bad.  We've been over this before." She hoped Sister Mary didn't hear that. Lance exhaled noisily.  "So who do we believe?" The million dollar question. "Well," Joan began, "you can believe whoever feels right, at least for now.  Or you can experiment and see how it feels, like Howie and Nick seem to be doing.  You two have a problem that Nick and Howie don't have though— some pretty powerful messages from people who love you, like your pastor and parents."  She choked telling them that their parents loved them but in their own warped way, they did. Lance sat and stared at her.  This was the first time she didn't make him feel better.  He wanted her to tell him to erase the messages, to prove that his parents and the others were wrong, and she didn't. Joan knew what he needed and it was killing her that she couldn't give it to him— to them really. She noticed Justin then, his face sad and frightened.  "Justin, baby, what's wrong?" " I want to be like Howie and Nick.  I try.  But I can't.  All I see is the devil with his horns and his pitchfork." Joan thought he had never seemed so young. "What do Howie and Nick say?" Lance shrugged, "That what they are doing is great and God wouldn't be mad.  But what if he is?" "Does God love you, Lance?" He nodded.  "Does he want you to be happy?" He nodded again. "Does kissing Justin make you happy?" A third nod.  And then a small smile.  "Justin, does kissing Lance make you happy?" Justin nodded, too.  "Well, maybe that is what Nick and Howie are talking about— that they are happy and that can't be bad." Joan felt like they were on a carousel, going around and around, always ending up in the same place.  It was time to get off for now.  "Think about it, boys, and trust your hearts." She watched Justin's face, the conflict etched clearly.  It wasn't fair to push him like this at eleven.  "Justin, wait outside for a minute.  I need to talk to Lance alone." Lance was nervous as he stood there chewing his nails.  "Lance, you have to do something for Justin." Lance nodded, willing to agree to anything for Justin.  "He is too young for this.  He isn't ready to make the kinds of decisions we are talking about.  If he was more mature, it might not be a big problem, but he isn't.  He's still a baby in a lot of ways and he's gotten some pretty mixed up messages." Lance's shoulders drooped.  He knew what she was asking. "Lance, you aren't much older in age but you are a lot older in so many ways.  He looks to you for everything.  If you take him down this road now, you will both regret it later.  Can you give both of you a little time?" "I guess," he said in a voice filled with longing.  "Can I still cuddle with him?" "You can do whatever feels ok for both of you, whatever doesn't make him think of hell and devils.  I think you know what that is. I hate to put this on you but it's the only way." Justin was waiting for him, questioning with wide eyes.  Joan played the bad guy, "I told Lance that I don't think you should kiss or touch each other any more." She knew she had made the right decision when Justin let out the breath he had been holding and smiled before hiding it in a frown for Lance's sake. "But we can still cuddle, right?" Lance asked and let out his own breath when Joan nodded and Justin grinned. That night Lance realized that Joan was right.  Justin wasn't ready. Lance could tell by how relaxed he was when they spooned together without the tension of waiting to kiss.  Lance knew it was only a matter of time, but it would feel like forever. continue menu