Chapter 19 The next day Justin was faced with the dilemma of what to do.  Lance had warned him that he *had* to work, so Justin was left in the apartment, Joey still asleep, wandering aimlessly. Lance had suggested buying a paper to check the classifieds and Justin was sitting with them, checking off possibilities, when Joey stumbled into the room. "Whatcha doing?" Joey asked, rubbing his head, hair standing up all over.  He still looked half asleep as he sought some coffee. "Looking at the ads.  I need a job," Justin sighed, "and my skills are limited." "Like what kind of skills?" Joey asked. "Giving head and looking pretty," Justin snorted. Joey made a face and Justin ducked his head and said softly, "I've worked in delis, restaurants." "We could use someone.  The morning guy just quit.  Of course, at that time, it's a pretty hard bunch.  After all, a bar at 9AM says something." "I won't be 21 till next month." "And?  You can serve, just not drink.  How's that for ridiculous?" Justin was interested and they discussed the details for the next few minutes.  Joey finished up by telling Justin to come to work with him and see how he liked it. Lance never called before Justin left so Justin put a note on the counter.  He wanted to call but Lance had warned him that Jenna would go nuts if she thought Justin was on the phone with Lance. Justin enjoyed the bar, the atmosphere, the work, and Joey's company.  Their shifts would overlap slightly if he got the job so Justin agreed to try it and Joey's only warning was that the old men on the bar stool that early were pretty bad tippers. "If that's the worst, I'll deal," Justin laughed.  He couldn't wait to tell Lance.  At least there would be some money from him, not just be a total drag.  Justin left in enough time to beat Lance home but the train broke down and frustrated, he sat there till after six, until the train somehow limped into their station.    Lance was waiting, eyes spitting fire, the worry clear.  "Where the hell did you go?" "I.... the train broke down on the way home.  Where's the note I left?" "What note?" Lance snapped. "This one," Justin snarled back, shoving the paper at Lance.  Lance scanned it and blushed, realizing how quickly he had jumped to the wrong conclusion. "Sorry, babe." "Lance, I promised I wouldn't go back on the street. I won't." Justin's voice had softened, appreciating Lance's concern and knowing that he would have to earn back the trust that he threw away two nights ago. He moved toward Lance and met his lips, licking around and seeking entrance, his tongue searching and tasting. "Uh, could you take this somewhere else?" JC laughed. The two stepped apart, then laughed and resumed.  When they were finished, Lance laughed, "I like this boy.  He kisses great." JC almost said that Lance was right but thought better of it at the last minute. "Dinner?" JC asked.  Lance had expected Justin to fix something and had said so, sending JC into fits of laughter.  JC had informed Lance that was as unrealistic as expecting Justin to pick up after himself.  And here they were, newspaper and coffee cups on the table and no food. JC looked at Lance, "Told you so." Justin frowned. "What?  Told him what?" "I told him cooking and cleaning were not your forte. He said he didn't care as long as ..." JC said. "I did not say that.  We gotta get some things straight here, forgive the pun," Lance said, smiling. Justin was looking confused so Lance led him to the table and all three sat, working out the details of living together. They divided up the chores, decided  the rent shares, and by the time they were finished, both JC and Justin felt that they had found a home. It was only when that conversation ended that Justin announced that he was the new morning bartender at Joey's bar.  Lance congratulated him even though he secretly wished the modeling gig had worked out.  Justin felt it but said nothing.  JC just smiled, happy if Justin was happy. They celebrated by going back to the bar for burgers, hanging out with Joey until it got crowded. Later, when they were alone in the bedroom, Justin looked at Lance and asked softly, "Am I that big a disappointment to you?" "What?" Lance asked, genuinely confused. "I know you think I should have stuck it out with the modeling." "No, I don't," Lance said.  He couldn't acknowledge the truth even to himself.  Justin sighed and decided to let it go.  He leaned in and kissed Lance. "I'm happy.  Here.  Now.  It's enough." He kissed again and this time it was more of an invitation.  Lance moaned, hoping that Justin would turn him on like this forever.  He reached under Justin's shirt and caressed the hard muscles of Justin's chest and abs.  It was Justin's turn to moan when Lance touched his nipple, rolling the rosy tip between his fingers. "Clothes.  Off," Justin said with a groan and pulled away, stripping himself nude in seconds.  Lance followed suit and they faced one another before embracing, waltzing to the bed as one. They fell together into a tangled heap of arms and legs.  Justin rolled Lance onto his back and straddled him.  This would be quick and hard, no fancy foreplay, both ready in moments. Justin reached in the drawer and pulled out the lube and condom.  "You do it," he ordered Lance and Lance did, his breathing irregular pants as he rolled the condom onto Justin's hard cock and slathered it with lube. He handed the tube to Justin who slicked his fingers and sought entrance to Lance.  One finger brought a gasp as Lance wriggled onto it.  Justin followed it with one more and as Lance adjusted, another followed until Justin could feel the muscles relax. He looked down at Lance.  "Oh please, Jus, now." Justin entered him slowly and then as he heard the gasp of pleasure, he withdrew and thrust again. Another gasp and he began a rhythm that left Lance breathless.  He pounded hard into him, slamming himself against Lance until they both came in a huge burst of sensation and cum in equal parts. Justin pulled out and removed the condom before collapsing onto Lance.  "God, babe, where have you been all my life?" Lance laughed, the old line never more applicable.  They were asleep almost before they could say I love you to one another. They were all up early, everyone needing to get somewhere at the same time.  It was a bit difficult sorting out showers and shaving mirrors and a single toilet and whatever else three men had to share to get out of the house together. Justin reminded Lance that he had therapy and Lance kissed him deeply and wished him luck. Justin's day went well for the most part.  Dirty old men were just as enamored of Justin's beauty as anyone else, but their beer or whiskey was more important and when Justin threatened to withhold it if they touched him, they backed off. He ate with Joey and left plenty of time to get across town.  He was nervous.  Chris was a great guy but he had this way of asking scary questions in this really gentle voice that invited response. Justin wanted to tell the truth but he also wanted to protect Justin. Chris waited for Justin to start.  He leaned back, relaxed and attentive, watching Justin's nervous movements with mild amusement.  When Justin remained quiet, Chris asked, "So, tell me, this being happy?  Have you *ever* been happy?" Justin screwed up his face in concentration.  Chris could watch him tick off the years, one by one, until he finally admitted, "No, I've never been *really* happy.  Even when I'm happy with Lance, I'm scared at the same time." "So how do you know what it is, what it will feel like?" "It will feel good." "Sometimes the familiar feels good, even though it's the worst possible thing we could do for ourselves." Justin nodded thinking of the many times he had gone back to the corner to feel "safe." "Tell me about the last two days." And Justin started, telling Chris about his new job and the misunderstandings and his feelings about the modeling, and his fear of disappointing Lance. Then like a good parent, Chris walked Justin through his choices and pointed out the positive ones.  The negative ones he left alone, knowing Justin would find those on his own. When the session ended, Justin felt good about himself for the first time in a long time outside of a sexual situation.  He hummed to himself on the way back to the apartment. The days started to flow smoothly, the routine of work a steadying influence and every night when they crawled into bed exhausted, the touches would drive away the need for sleep and they would make love.  It varied constantly.  Sometimes it was wild, like two young animals, no foreplay, just raw sex only to be followed the next night by a sweet tenderness that left them feeling loved and cared for.  The one thing it wasn't was boring and it was a priority for them. Early in the morning they would lay together and whisper, filling in the details of the day.  Justin felt safe and loved and Lance let himself believe it would always be this way.  Then Jenna told Lance that he had to fly with JC to Florida for a week and the crisis began. Lance came home with the news and dropped it like a rock into the middle of the dinner conversation.  Justin gasped and dropped his fork.  "When?  Why you?" "The when is day after tomorrow and why me?  It's my job.  She has other accounts to take care of up here." "But, a week?  A whole week?" Lance reacted with annoyance, covering his own feelings of guilt about leaving Justin behind, "Jesus, a week isn't that long.  Grow up." Justin pushed back from the table and stomped into the bedroom.  JC, who had been silent the whole time, said quietly, "He'll get over it.  He's just scared.  He hates to be alone." "I know," Lance said, "and I hate to leave him alone. I worry about what he'll do and I know I'll miss him like crazy." He pushed away and headed for the bedroom.  He hesitated and knocked on the door. There was no answer so he opened the door and entered the room.  Justin was curled into a ball, his head under a pillow and when Lance knelt on the bed and touched his shoulder, he pulled away and gave Lance a muffled, "Leave me alone." "No, babe, that's one thing I won't do.  Talk to me." He pulled gently at the pillow and managed to uncover Justin's head.  "Jus, c'mon." Justin rolled onto his back and looked at Lance with sad eyes.  "A week *is* a long time.  To me." "I'm sorry, Jus.  That was wrong.  It's a long time to me, too.  But it'll be ok.  We'll talk every night.  We'll both be working so the time will pass.  C'mon, it won't be that bad." Lance babbled on, waiting for Justin's pout to change.  When it didn't, he sighed. "OK, so it's gonna suck.  What can I say?" Justin finally smiled at that and then frowned again, "I get scared without you." Lance leaned over and kissed him, licking his lips and delving in for a better taste.  From there, dinner and JC and the whole conversation was forgotten and it was morning before they came out of the bedroom again. Justin was glad he was seeing Chris that day.  He spoke almost before he sat down, "Lance is going to Florida for a week with JC.  Tomorrow." "And?" "What do you mean `and'?" "Is that terrible?  It sounds like it is." "Yes, I have to be alone most of the time and I hate to be alone." "Maybe you need to practice being alone.  What are you afraid of?" "That I'll do something self-destructive.  That I'll need to feel safe and I'll do one of the things you tell me is not good for me, like going down to the corner to hang out." "Why would you do that?" "To see the guys." "So, let's assume you go down there to see the guys. You're alone, no one to help you.  What if someone wants you to go with them?" "I'll say no like I promised." "But you'll put yourself in a dangerous situation and then hope saying no will work.  Why would you do that?" "Because....I don't know.  Sounds crazy, huh?" "I don't like the word crazy but it does sound as if you might want something bad to happen.  Why is that?" Justin heard his parents' voices and his eyes glazed over, "Bad things happen to fags.  You deserved that beating, Justin.  No one wants you here–go stay with your boyfriend.  Stop calling here– haven't you hurt your mother enough?  Don't come crying to us when someone beats the hell out of you.  Why can't you be normal?" Chris's voice floated over the mean messages and Justin looked up, his eyes filled with tears, "What, Justin?  Talk to me." So Justin filled him in, telling him all the cruel things he had heard since he was a young teen.  "When did you know you were gay?" "When I was twelve.  When Jimmy Jones made me hard while we were fooling around wrestling in the back yard." "Did you tell your parents or ask questions?" Justin shook his head.  "Why not?" "My uncle was gay and they talked about him like he was the devil.  He never came to visit, not even the town." "So you kept it to yourself until you were nineteen?" Justin nodded this time.  "That must have been awful." "It was," Justin whispered, "but every time I thought of telling them, I would hear them wondering about me in these nervous voices and I just couldn't face it." "That night when I went home, I prayed all the way over that they would be able to deal with my being gay.  At first, my mom was so upset about my cuts, I had some hope that she would be on my side.  But when I said it out loud, she stepped back like I had some awful, contagious disease." Justin was reciting the incident with no emotion and Chris knew he hadn't dealt with any of the pain yet, but he didn't force Justin to do anything.  "That's very sad, Justin, heartbreaking, in fact." Justin looked at him and his eyes filled up at the genuine feeling he heard in Chris's tone.  The tears overflowed and he ducked his head, reaching blindly for tissues, sniffling loudly the whole time.  He cried for a long time. When he slowed down, Chris asked gently, "Is Lance the only person who has ever been there for you?" When Justin didn't answer, Chris continued, "Maybe that's why you continually test him, waiting for him to turn into your parents and reject you." Justin looked up with something akin to wonder, realizing how right that statement felt.  "Maybe." It was soft, an almost silent whisper. "He loves you, Justin.  He's proved that more than once.  He will love you from Florida and he will love you when he comes home–if you let him." Justin fell back in the chair, stunned by the realities he faced.  It was up to him to allow Lance's love, to believe in it and to return it as wholly as possible. Justin ran into the apartment, hoping that Lance and JC were home.  He knew they were leaving on the earliest flight and he wanted to spend the whole night with Lance.  When he realized they weren't there, he went to the kitchen and fixed dinner.  It wasn't much, macaroni and cheese, but it was a start, just like today. Lance and JC came in, sniffing the air.  "A miracle!" Lance said and laughed, grabbing his boyfriend and kissing him hard. Then he looked around and saw the table set and everything waiting for them.  JC stared, trying to figure out the new Justin. "Let's eat.  We have other ways to spend tonight," Justin said, his eyebrows wiggling with this evil promise.  JC laughed and said, "Oh shit, I'm outta here as soon as we finish." "Good," Justin said and Lance stared at him openmouthed, feeling a tightening in his groin that would need serious attention before long. They left the dishes and Justin pushed JC out the door, barely letting him grab his keys.  "Pack later," was his reply when JC complained that he needed to get ready. When the door shut behind him, Justin turned and grabbed Lance who had started clearing the dishes, "Oh no, babe, time later for that." Lance's mouth dropped open as he realized Justin was already naked and a trail of clothes led from the door to where they were standing.  Justin reached and in one fluid movement had bared Lance's chest and was starting on his slacks. Lance put his hand on Justin's wrist.  "What the fuck?" he asked in this amazed tone. "You love me.  You.  Love.  Me.  I'm enough for you." "Yes.  So?  Are you just realizing that?" Justin nodded and attacked Lance's lips before he could say another word.  While their tongues were dueling, Lance kicked off his shoes and slacks and reached down to remove his socks, hopping on one foot and trying to stay in contact with Justin's lips. They both were chuckling as Lance finally was nude and facing Justin.  But their expressions turned serious when Lance said, "Oh God, Justin, I *do* love you.  Probably from the moment you first smiled at me." "Stop talking." Justin nuzzled Lance's neck, licking and scraping his teeth on the soft flesh while Lance moaned quietly. Justin worked his way down, small squares of skin sucked and kissed, nipples pulled into small peaks just before he knelt and swirled his tongue into Lance's belly button.  Shivers of pleasure ran through Lance and he grabbed Justin's curls, pulling his fingers through the tangled strands, careful not to hurt him.        It was too much when Justin took Lance into his mouth. Lance groaned and felt his knees buckle but remained upright, the pleasure flowing over him in wave after wave.  And then Justin was gone and Lance's eyes snapped open, and he whimpered, protesting the loss. Justin smiled, a leer really, and reached for the lube and condom he had hidden there before.  He was ready in moments and turned Lance around to lean against the counter.  When he opened him up with one, two, then three fingers, Lance whimpered and pushed against the counter involuntarily. "Not yet, Lance," Justin whispered, "not yet." And he entered Lance and waited, feeling the tightness relax just enough. Justin began to move in Lance as he braced himself against the cold marble, cooling off his overheated skin. They moved against one another, the rhythm of their bodies leading them to a crescendo–an orgasm that would leave them both breathless and on their knees.  Justin slipped out of Lance and held him tight, whispering love until they were able to get up. "Shit," Lance said, "holy shit actually.  The best, Jus, ever." They didn't talk then.  They showered and Lance packed while Justin lay on his back just watching his lover.  Finally, Lance frowned and sat down next to Justin.  "You ok with my leaving?" Justin sighed, "I wish you weren't.  I know you have to go.  I know you love me and you'll be back." "Yes, yes, and definitely yes.  You'll be ok?" Justin nodded. "What happened today?" Justin told him then, how he finally realized that Lance loved *him*, not what he could do for him or to him, just plain old Justin. Lance chuckled, "You can never be `plain old Justin' but I do love you, just you." He closed his suitcase and put it by the door. They started again and this time the lovemaking was slow and sweet and all they felt for one another was contained in it. It was late when they finished and they curled into one another. Justin put his lips to Lance's ear,  "I'm so happy I stopped when you asked me to that day on the train. I'm finally safe and I will always love you." continue menu