Safe

Chapter 18

Justin stared. "Home." A word he never expected to hear again. And
now. When he had just betrayed the relationship they were starting
to build.

"Home?" he choked out. "Do you know where I was last night?"

"I can guess. JC said that you were at the Hilton. I know what that
means."

"But..."

"Was the real Justin there or that crazy streetboy, the one who tells
you it's a good idea to go play in traffic?"

Justin allowed himself a tiny smile, "Um... the streetboy." The smile
failed, "But we didn't fuck. You believe that, right?"

"Do I have to know this, Justin?" Lance asked, his voice laced with
the pain of the broken faith. Justin's eyes filled with tears, the
enormity of what Lance was forgiving, only now becoming clear.

"No. I swear Lance, never again, for you, for us."

"No, baby, not for me or for us. It needs to be for you." Justin
looked confused, unsure of what Lance was trying to say.

"Justin, if you don't go back to the corner, if you go for help, it's
got to be for your own sake, not for me. You deserve to be whole
again, to repair the damage that your parents put there. *You* need
to believe that you are capable of and worthy to receive all the love
that you deserve." Justin blushed and looked down, studying his
hands, finding the small hairs on the knuckles fascinating.

"I know that's hard to hear, especially after this year, but you need
to hear it and know it before we can be happy. Maybe I need to know
that, too. C'mon, let's go, I only have today off."

Justin willingly followed him, looking around and saying good-bye
silently for what he hoped was the last time. Lynn followed them
out. "Good luck, both of you," she said, a maternal note in her
voice. "Come visit me when you can." She watched them walk away and
prayed for the good things that they deserved.

It was quiet in the apartment. Joey was snoring in the living room
as they tiptoed past. Once inside Lance's room, Justin stayed by the
door, afraid to assume too much, until Lance beckoned him over.

"Justin, what about Chris?"

"I don't have his number."

Lance shook his head, "Joey does. I'll be right back." He *was*
right back, a slip of paper in his hand, held out to Justin.

Justin took it, stared at it, managed a deep breath, and dialed.
Lance watched his face and knew the exact moment Chris picked up.
Justin paled and stammered, "Hi, I'm a friend of Joey's, Justin. I
mean my name is Justin, Justin Timberlake, a friend of Joey's, well,
actually Lance's ..."

Justin smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. "He did? That's cool.
So, did he tell you....? Today?" Lance heard the reluctance,
then, "Yeah, I guess I could come.....Four? Okay....Let me get a
pencil." He glanced around frantically until Lance patted his leg and
handed him paper and pen. "482 Fifth Avenue, Room 301, got it. ...
Yeah, see you then."

He hung up and realized how hard he was breathing, as if he had run a
race. And perhaps he had, against his own need to self-destruct. He
looked at Lance, wanting a reward, a pat on the back, a kiss, but he
couldn't ask.

Lance read his want and leaned over and kissed him, "I love you."

Justin studied Lance, wondering if he dare ask, suggest the
unthinkable after last night. "Shower. I need a shower. I
need......" Lance's eyes met his, the promise of a few days ago still
there, "...you." He watched the war wage within Lance, the desire
versus the need to protect himself.

"Umm," Lance started, but he knew the war was over. Maybe he did
need a lot of help, too, but at this moment all he could think about
was feeling this boy beneath him. "Can I help you?"

The tension was there, the misgivings, the images of Justin touched
by that man, but, God, as he watched that boy undress, everything
fled. He stared at that beautiful body, the long legs, the narrow
hips and ....Lance shivered with desire.

"Coming?" Justin asked softly. Any second, Lance thought, but he
answered by stripping and following Justin into the bathroom.

The water sluicing over Justin's curls and trickling in little
streams down his neck and chest finished what the sight of him naked
had started and Lance blushed as Justin saw his erection and smiled.
Justin moved to embrace Lance and the two hard cocks rubbed, Lance
finally noticing Justin's arousal.

Justin's hand stroked Lance and then he knelt, repeating the actions
of a few hours ago. The image of the john, standing over him,
gripping his curls painfully, forcing himself down Justin's throat,
flashed— a still vivid picture that brought tears.

Lance had been lost in the sensation but when Justin hesitated, he
looked down to see Justin's head bowed and he tugged him up,
searching for understanding. "Jus, talk to me."

"I want...but this morning......I tried to pretend it was you but it
hurt too much....." Justin said.

Lance frowned and then his eyes widened in shock as he understood
what Justin was trying to say and he pulled him into a fierce
embrace, Justin's head tucked into his neck. He could feel the sobs
shaking Justin's body, echoing through his own.

They let the water flow over them for a few more minutes, Justin's
body relaxing one muscle at a time, until he was curled into Lance
and the water grew cold. Lance whispered to him, "Let's go, baby."

Lance dried Justin first, then himself before leading him back to the
bedroom, where they crawled under the covers. Lance pulled Justin,
prepared to let him burrow into him, a safe haven from the wretched
world he knew. But Justin had other ideas. His eyes were pleading,
begging for Lance to make love to him, hoping that the other boy
would understand his need.

"Please, Lance." Two words to communicate his want, his need. Lance
leaned in and touched Justin's lips, a sweet kiss that could mean
anything. "More."

Lance pulled back, "You sure?" Justin nodded and lay back, urging
Lance to take the lead. Lance was nervous, afraid of triggering
memories, of hurting Justin. But looking down at that face as he
straddled his lover, he knew he needed to make love to Justin just as
Justin needed to receive it.

He sucked on Justin's neck, the damp skin still chilled from the
shower. Down and over, he licked across the collarbone, and smiled
as Justin moaned at the feeling as Lance's tongue dragged across and
alighted on his nipple. He pulled the flesh in, nipping, feeling
Justin arch into the sensation, little breaths filling the air.

He was determined to make Justin feel loved and desired and he licked
and kissed his way to Justin's belly button, swirling around it and
in it till Justin was panting.

"Oh God, Lance, wait." He pushed against Lance and felt Lance
resist. "No, wait." Lance rocked back on his heels and Justin
started to touch him, long fingers sliding up and down, dancing
dangerously close to his cock.

Lance closed his eyes and gave in to the pleasure, still straddling
Justin. "Move, Lance," Justin said. Lance looked confused but got
off and lay next to Justin, who had not stopped stroking the whole
time. Now he replaced his fingers with his lips and moved over Lance.

"Let me do this," Justin said. Lance nodded and when Justin touched
his cock with that warm, magical tongue, all conscious thought was
gone.

Justin darted. It was Justin's thing, never staying in one place,
always surprising Lance with the next kiss or lick. If Lance kept
his eyes closed, it was incredible. Justin lapped at Lance's dick
and then at his nipple and the feelings were explosions of sensation,
Lance gasping and arching and stammering nonsense.

Justin sucked Lance, driving him to the edge before pulling
away. "You are so close.." He had felt it, knew the trembling, and
he wanted Lance to be in him when the orgasm blew through him.
He scrabbled in the drawer for condom and lube, readying Lance before
switching positions once again.

Lance was ready and he looked down at Justin, "Do you need...?"
Justin shook his head and Lance entered him and waited for a signal.

At the barest nod, Lance drove into Justin, setting up a rhythm that
drove the headboard into the wall, Justin moaning beneath him as each
thrust led him closer to the goal. Lance was trying to wait but the
sight of that boy and the feeling of the hot, tight wetness combined
to send him spiraling into a mind-blowing orgasm.

He called out Justin's name and Justin his as the younger boy used
the friction of their bodies to release, sending cum spurting between
them until they both collapsed into a sticky heap. It was long
moments before their breathing evened out and they curled into one
another and fell asleep.

Hours later, Joey knocked. "Hey, you two still here?"

Lance raised his head and glanced at the clock. 2:00. He rubbed his
eyes and glanced at Justin, surprised to find him awake. "How long
have you been up?"

Before Justin could answer, Joey banged again, "I hear you. Can I
come in?"

"Yeah," Lance sighed. He pulled Justin close and laughed when the
door opened before the answer was out of his mouth.

"I just wanted to tell you I was leaving. What are you two doing?"
Lance was grateful for his friend, avoiding the questions, just
accepting that everything was ok again.

"What does it look like?" Lance laughed, a contented sound to it.

Joey blushed, "I meant later, actually."

"Uh, Justin is going to see Chris. I figured I'd tag along." He was
inwardly relieved when Justin's smile said that was the right
decision.

"And then?"

"Spit it out, Joe. Want us to do something?"

"Well, JC called a few minutes ago and he said the shoot was really
going well and wanted to know if we could all meet at the bar and
have something to eat?"

Lance had felt Justin's body tense at the mention of the shoot and he
tightened his embrace. He looked at Justin for guidance, cocking a
quizzical brow at him. Justin nodded and Lance said, "Fine. Later.
We'll come when we're finished."

Joey grinned, "Great. Later."

When the door had closed, Lance asked, "You ok?" He looked at Justin
and stroked his back. Justin shook his head.

"I'm so fucked up, Lance. Why do you even bother with me?"

Lance flinched at the question, "I love you."

Justin nuzzled into Lance's neck and breathed quietly, "Thanks."
There was a pause. The question he had been avoiding needed to be
asked. "Um, did you get in trouble when I left?"

Lance didn't say anything and Justin pulled away, staring at
him, "Shit, you did, didn't you?" Lance reached for him but Justin
sat up, pulling his knees in and wrapping his arms around them.
"How many more ways can I wreck things?"

"Justin, it's ok. I still have my job. The client is happy with
JC. Please. Let's concentrate on you. You were so freaked...."

"Because I *am* a freak. Can Chris help? Please. Tell me that he
can help." He rocked back and forth, "I am so sorry, Lance. I never
wanted to hurt you and I keep doing it, fucking up both our lives."

This time when Lance reached for him, he allowed the touch and Lance
pulled him into loving arms. "Let's start with today. Today you are
taking the first step. It's enough, baby. Believe that."

They held one another for awhile, letting their bodies speak for
them. Finally, Justin looked at the clock and sighed, "Time to get
ready. Can we shower together again?"

"Yes, if *shower* is the operative word," Lance grinned. As Justin
stood to leave, Lance groaned and muttered under his breath, "Shower,
shower, shower."

When they were dressed and ready to leave, Justin turned to Lance and
said, "Tell me this will work out. That *we* will work out." He
looked so young, so vulnerable that it tugged at Lance's heart and he
smiled and hugged the younger boy reassuringly.

As they waited for Chris, Justin was a bundle of nerves, chewing his
nails and tapping his feet, quietly humming some odd tune. Lance
leaned back and closed his eyes, Justin's anxiety contagious.
Luckily, Chris was prompt and came out to meet them, shaking hands
and making polite conversation to ease Justin's jitters.
When he motioned to the other room, Justin looked back at Lance with
the expression of the child sent to the principal's office. Lance
smiled encouragingly and prayed this would be a good beginning.

Justin sat on the edge of the chair Chris indicated while Chris made
himself comfortable in a chair opposite. "I don't bite, Justin.
Feel free to sit back." Justin slid back, gripping the arms until his
clenched fingers whitened.

"So, tell me about yourself and why you're here." Justin began
slowly, the words halting, but gradually, urged on by Chris's gentle
questions, he relaxed and told him much of what had happened in the
last year including the most recent time with Lance.

"So what do you want?" Chris asked when Justin had finished.

"Want?" Justin repeated, rolling the word on his tongue, a strange
concept. He frowned as he attempted to define what he wanted. "Um,
to be happy." Chris nodded and waited. "To stop hurting myself. To
stop hurting Lance."

When he was sure Justin was finished, he said, "Good goals. Hard
work."

"I know but I'm willing to do whatever it takes."

"Who are you doing this for, Justin?"

Justin looked puzzled. "Myself?"

"That's a question, not a statement." Justin's shoulders slumped.

"I *do* want to be happy. I guess I'm not sure I'm worth the trouble
though." To Justin's surprise, Chris smiled broadly.

"You've just taken the first step. You've admitted something out
loud that you've been acting out before. We can go from here if
you're really willing."

Justin's smile answered the question and Chris continued, "Two times
a week."

Justin's eyes widened, "I can't even afford once a week. I have to
borrow money as it is."

"Sliding scale. We'll work it out. But you have to promise one
thing."

"What?"

"You cannot go back to the street for any reason. Cash, anger, fear,
nothing. Promise?"

"Yes, I promise. Even if I have to ask Lance to lock me in." He
smiled that megawatt thing that hooked Lance in the first place and
Chris could understand the pull this kid had on people. He just
hoped that Justin had the guts for this.

At the sound of the door, Lance looked up hopefully, not sure what to
expect. Justin and Chris were both smiling, a good sign. "See you
on Thursday, same time. Right?" Justin nodded and followed Lance out
the door.

"Thursday?"

"Yeah, he wants to see me two times a week." Justin looked at Lance,
waiting for his reaction. Lance rubbed his forehead, the money
worrying him. Justin read his thoughts. "He said something about a
sliding scale and I'm going to work..." He stopped as Lance's head
snapped up.

"Lance?" Justin asked.

"What kind of work?" Lance replied. Justin shrugged.

"If you go back to the corner again, we're finished. Do you get
that?" Lance said, anger bristling.

The anger was returned, "Don't tell me what to do."

"I'm not. I'm telling you what I'll do."

"Fuck you," Justin said and Lance sighed. The streetboy was back
already. He turned away. Better to end it now before his heart
could break any further. Justin watched him walk away, away from
them, away from him, all because he was so afraid to admit how scared
he was of everything.

"Lance, hold up," he yelled and was relieved when Lance stopped and
waited for him to catch up. "I'm sorry. Again. Really. I swear I
won't turn a trick again, ever. I promised Chris, too."

"Why didn't you say that before?"

"I don't know. I don't know why I do half the things I do. Isn't
that why I'm seeing Chris?" Lance had to smile at the last and shook
his head as he would at a naughty child.

"God help us, Justin. What a pair." The tension eased and they
talked all the way over to Joey's, Justin telling him what he had
told Chris, offering details he had never told Lance.

The bar was a warm respite from the cold, cozy and dark, and pretty
empty. JC wasn't there yet but Joey greeted them with a smile and
asked what they wanted. They both ordered beers and nursed them
along while they waited. Around six, JC bounced in, as lively as
they had ever seen him.

"Hey, Jus, God, I'm so glad to see you. We were so worried about
you." JC searched his face anxiously looking for signs that anything
horrible had happened. When he found none, he relaxed.

"Good to see you, too, man," Justin said softly.

Lance started the topic that was the most dangerous, "How did the
shoot go?"

"Jeff is awesome, Lance. It went really well," he replied, keeping
one eye on Justin. When Justin seemed okay, he continued. "Modeling
is so cool. I can't thank you enough for..." He wasn't sure how to
finish. Justin was the reason Lance had the idea and JC was the one
getting the benefits.

"It's ok, JC," Justin said.

So JC began and told them all the details and as he recounted his
day, Justin knew he had made the right decision. He only hoped he
didn't have to learn everything the hard way. They ate somewhere
along the way and walked back to the apartment together.

Once Lance and Justin were alone, Lance looked intently at
Justin, "You all right?"

"I feel bad that I let you down but it *was* the right move for me.
I could never do what he did. Maybe our experiences were so
different. I don't know. I just know it's not for me."

"What is?" Lance asked curiously.

"You," Justin said and pounced on Lance pushing him back onto the
bed. It was much later before they got to sleep.

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