Chapter 15 The month went by in fits and starts.  Sometimes it felt like he had been here forever and other times as if he had just arrived.  It usually depended on who had come that day or what he and Noel had talked about during the session. Things had begun to improve gradually but there were the setbacks as well. Noel managed to drag his parents up there twice.  Once was for assessment purposes as he told them.  Justin hadn't been there but he could tell by the sympathetic look on Noel's face when he arrived that day, that his parents had been true to form. The second time had been a family meeting, an attempt to have them deal with the fact that he was homosexual and confront them on JC's actions.  It had been an utter failure and Justin had run out of the room to avoid the cruel words they were throwing at him. When they were gone, Noel had found him sitting by a small fountain in the garden, crying softly. The older man sat down and waited.  Justin finally looked up and met the clear gaze of someone who had been there and come out the other side. "I'm scared, Noel, and I feel so ashamed of who I am." "The shame is undeserved.  You're a great kid and you've had more than your fair share of burdens." Justin searched Noel's face for any sign that he was lying and found none. "Thanks," he whispered, "but, I've let everyone down.  My mom, Lance, the coach, Mr. Raines." "Whoa.  Your not being able to meet their expectations is about them, not you.  The only one you have to be there for is Justin and that's plenty of work all by itself." "I wish I wasn't gay," Justin sighed. "Sure would be easier, that's for sure," Noel laughed.  "But when I see a hot guy, I know that's who I am and the people who love me accept that." "Will they ever accept me?" Justin asked, the fear evident in his voice. "Hard to say.  Give them time." Justin nodded.  A bell sounded somewhere calling them to dinner but before that they needed to get on line to get their meds, so Noel accompanied Justin.  But  when Justin met up with Chris, his roommate, Noel knew he wasn't needed anymore.  He said goodbye and was happy to see that Justin had made one friend here. Justin and Chris had started talking after Justin had been there a week. Chris was going on two weeks and was feeling better, more able to cope with life. He asked Justin lots of questions and Justin answered them all, his soft voice laced with sadness. It hurt Chris that Justin's parents and stepbrother could act that way but it didn't surprise him. After all, you didn't try to kill yourself because your life was so wonderful. What *did* anger him was the boyfriend. "That asshole boyfriend of yours sounds like a dick." Justin looked shocked and rushed to Lance's defense, "No, he's not. He's really a great guy." "A great guy who cheats on you behind your back?" Chris asked, a disgusted tone evident. "It was my fault," Justin said. Chris's mouth dropped open and he stared at his young friend. "What?!" It came out as a screech and he regretted it when he saw Justin cringe. "Sorry, I just can't... uh...believe you said that." Justin frowned and Chris continued, "How the hell, sorry, how was it your fault?" Justin was silent and Chris was afraid he had crossed the line and upset the delicate balance that they had. Then Justin spoke, so quietly Chris strained to hear. "I upset him by holding something back, keeping a secret." "And that gave him the right to throw you out and fuck around on you?" Justin's eyes filled. He looked as if he had been punched. Chris bit his lip, "Sorry, man, I'm sorry. I just ....you're a great kid .... and it seems wrong for all of these people to hurt you." "I'm tired, Chris. Can we talk later?" Chris had nodded and watched Justin curl himself into a tight ball and cry himself to sleep. The next day Chris apologized again and Justin nodded, a wary expression keeping them apart. When Justin told Noel about the conversation, Noel cocked his head. "Do you understand what Chris was saying about Lance?" "I guess," Justin answered reluctantly. "What? What was he saying?" Noel persisted. "That Lance was wrong to do that with AJ," Justin said unhappily. "And was he?" Noel was trying to break through the wall of denial that Justin had built over the years, the wall that said it was okay to hurt him because he deserved it. The wall that said you're right and I am always wrong. The wall that said I'm sorry and I'll make it okay, whatever it takes. "We weren't together then." "Had you broken up?" "No, but we hadn't spoken since that night." "Had you tried to talk to Lance?" "Yes," Justin whispered. "Would you have made out with AJ?" "No," Justin replied. "So *was* Lance wrong?" Noel wanted Justin to say it out loud. Progress would require Justin to acknowledge that people mistreated him and that he had every right to be hurt and angry. "Yes." Justin whispered. "Look at me, Justin," Noel demanded. The teenager looked up, biting his lip, waiting for some painful retribution for daring to expect something from someone else. "You. Did. Not. Deserve. That." Justin started to speak, "But...." "No buts. You did nothing to deserve that kind of hurt." Justin hung his head and Noel sighed, knowing this would be a long road for Justin. A few days after Justin was hospitalized, Lance was in the cafeteria when JC found him and turned on his brightest smile.  "Hey, Lance," he said. Lance frowned.  JC had never even looked upset about everything that had gone down and Lance found that disturbing.  "Hey, JC, heard from Justin?" JC looked as if he had never heard the name.  Then his face took on the concerned brother look and he whispered, "Mom and Dad don't say much.  I'm not sure what that means." Lance looked stricken, but JC was quick to comfort him, "I'm sure he's fine.  It's a nice place." "It's a mental hospital, JC, how fine can he be?" Lance snapped. JC was off balance.  He didn't want to talk about Justin.  "Listen, how about we catch a movie Friday, just to take our minds off things?" Now Lance was off-balance.  "Ummm, I'll let you know." JC was a master and he knew when to back away so he left with a brief wave, "I'll call you." He did call Lance later and with the charm of a snake oil salesman, he convinced Lance that it would be healing to go out together.  He actually had no intention of talking about Justin but he didn't tell Lance that and Lance hoped that he could find out how Justin was feeling and if he had asked about him. Saturday found them at TGIFriday's after the movie, laughing about the movie and arguing about whether Ben Stiller was really funny.  Somehow, JC kept the conversation firmly steered away from Justin and as the evening was ending, Lance realized he hadn't asked anything about his boyfriend. JC had worked to keep it light, to lull Lance into feeling safe.  It had worked and Lance had agreed to go to a party the next night as "friends".  A few drinks was all it took and Lance was amenable to just about anything, his conscience asleep at the switch once again. JC pulled him onto the sofa in the library, the scene of Lance's other rendezvous. Something in Lance suddenly realized that it was wrong to be making out with someone when you had a boyfriend.  He couldn't abandon Justin again. Lance pushed JC off, an angry look indicating storm clouds. "What the fuck!  Justin and I are still together, JC" JC's eyes narrowed, "He's not here, is he? He won't know. Besides, what do you see in that loser, so weak he tried to off himself." Lance's eyes flashed.  There were times when he thought that himself and felt ashamed but it was disconcerting hearing it said aloud. "Shut up, JC," Lance snapped, turning to leave the room. "I bet the little fag is up there crying his eyes out right now," JC sneered. "Is that who you want?" He laughed when Lance flinched, knowing he had struck a chord. Lance turned and fled, JC's mocking laughter following him out the door. He sat outside trembling, wondering if he *could* be with Justin again, if he had the strength to support him. JC watched him go out the door and shrugged. Neither of them was worth his time or trouble. He went off in search of AJ, smiling at the picture of himself with that sexy little skank. He still marveled at the fact that he was responsible for Justin's downfall and no one suspected. His parents now lavished attention on him, to make up for the hateful way they were treating Justin, to convince themselves that it was not their parenting that was the problem. JC thought about his parents. Lynn was drinking more and without Justin to focus her sober moments on, she didn't feel the need for too many of them. Besides "that prick Giordano" as she called him,  had had the nerve to say that most of Justin's problems were a result of her drinking. As far as JC could tell that had only resulted in her pouring herself more scotch. Paul was Paul. Still the same, still angry, and now he justified it by blaming Justin. He told everyone that Justin caused all of his own problems and deserved whatever came his way.  JC had overheard Paul on the phone telling a friend that Lynn's drinking kept her out of the way most of the time and as long as that asshole Giordano left them alone, everything would be fine. Before the fight, Lance had told JC that Jim and Diane talked to Noel frequently and had left the offer open for Justin to live with them.  When JC raised his eyebrows, Lance said that Noel thanked them and left it as an option. At least Justin had people who cared about him and were willing to help, Lance said and JC stopped himself from snorting at the golly-gee-whiz goodness of that comment. Toward the end of the month, Justin lay staring at the ceiling.  His future was still cloudy.  No one was sure where he was going after this, only that he needed intensive therapy which his parents had reluctantly contracted to pay for.  Some of the issues had started to come up. He recognized that Lynn's drinking made her unable to be the mother he wanted so badly and that until she stopped abusing alcohol, nothing would change for the better between them. Even without the drinking, Justin's homosexuality presented a major obstacle for his parents and for himself. Noel had told him of the Basses' offer and he was grateful for their understanding and support. He knew Lance would never want him there now, but it was comforting to know that they cared. Noel was now working with Justin on the abuse he had suffered at JC's hands, helping Justin to accept that he was not responsible for JC,s illness, his psychotic jealousy. Noel had attempted to convince their parents that JC needed help but was unsuccessful. Both of them had called Justin's account of the rape a lie, intimating that he wanted this from his stepbrother and was now just trying to get revenge. Paul had even gone so far as to tell Justin that he deserved it for flaunting himself to his brother. Noel had ended that interview on the spot after Justin ran from the room, crying. He no longer wanted to kill himself but he was lonely. Chris had been discharged and Noel was busy. He dreamed of Lance most nights and spun endless fantasies about them. Justin knew they were fantasies. He hadn't spoken to Lance and Noel said Lance hadn't called in a few weeks. Noel kept talking about "if" and Justin would interrupt and tell him that there was no "if". Yesterday, they had gone around the mulberry bush once again. "Justin, you need to confront Lance on his behavior that night." "Why? We're done. " "Even *if* you are, you need to practice standing up for yourself. What he did was wrong and hurtful and he needs to apologize to you." Justin stared at his hands, twining in his lap and didn't answer. Noel had shaken his head and sighed, "Okay, you win. For now." So here he was, almost ready to leave and his life still felt like a total mess. continue menu