Chapter 16 Justin was almost ready to be discharged and there was still one major issue barely touched. As Noel walked to his office, he wondered what he should do about Lance.  Justin still wanted the relationship but didn't believe there was any hope of it.  So Noel was torn between trying to put closure on that chapter of Justin's life or just leaving things the way they were. He got an answer the next day when the phone rang and it was Lance.  "Hi, Mr.G, how are you?" "I'm fine, Lance, and you?" "Um, yeah, fine.  Um, Justin?  How is he?" Noel wanted to deny this self-centered teen any information at all but he also wanted to do right by Justin and Justin had specifically requested a release form for Lance.  He *wanted* Lance to know what was going on.  "He's getting better." There was silence on the other end.  Lance had fought with himself over whether to call or not.  He loved Justin.  He had discovered that when he saw Justin curled into himself at the cemetery and his heart had stopped for a moment when he thought he had lost him. But—and it was a big but— he wasn't sure he was strong enough to *be* with Justin.  High school was supposed to be fun, not work, and it was work being involved with Justin.  Even with Noel helping, Justin had a lot of issues that played out between them. Lance didn't want someone who needed him so badly that he was willing to do anything, no matter how humiliating, just to keep him.  He wanted an equal and Justin had a *long* way to go before he felt equal to anyone. And if he was honest, he was no prize himself.  Sometimes the issues were his and it made the dance they did even more complicated. Lance rubbed his eyes.  He figured by this time,  Justin must have assumed they were finished.  Maybe it would be best to just leave things alone, but then he felt this longing to be with Justin, not even sexually, just close, and he would flip-flop back the other way. So here he was, trying to get some help from Noel. The older man sensed the conflict and offered to meet Lance in his office at school in an hour. Right on time, Noel rounded the corner and let him into the office. Lance flopped in a chair and started immediately, "I'm confused and I don't know what to do." "About?" "Justin," he said.  When Noel just sat there, he continued, "I think I love Justin but I don't know if it could work out.  I don't know if I can handle all his problems." Noel was amazed at the awareness.  Lance wasn't as out there as he had imagined.  There was a lot wrong with those two statements but he was trying. "Let's go backwards," Noel began.  "They are *Justin's* problems. You can't fix them or him— he has to do that.  Can you be there for him when he's sad or confused or hurt?" Lance thought about all the times he had added to the hurt, finding it so easy to victimize Justin and he answered honestly, "I don't know." "You said you loved him.  What is love to you?" "I feel a connection, I want to be close to him, I want to take care of him." "Whoa.  It's the `taking care of' that's the problem.  You do it, you resent it, you resent him, and he suffers.  Not helpful." Lance thought about that.  It made sense.  "So what is love then. Cause I don't just mean sex, though that...." Noel laughed, "You're right.  Sex isn't love.  Love is caring about the other person and wanting what is best for your mutual growth. Love ain't easy.  So maybe you're too young for love." "Maybe," Lance agreed, "but I really do care about him." "Can you put aside your own needs sometimes?" Lance nodded.  He could do that.  He knew he could do that. "So what are you telling me?" Lance wasn't sure how but it had just gotten clear, what he needed to do.  "I need to go see him." Noel pursed his lips, "I hope you're sure about this.  Justin has come a long way but he's got a long way to go and he doesn't need any more hurt right now." "I know.  That's what's been holding me back.  Besides I have to tell him something, something I did.  I need to apologize." Noel nodded, hoping it was what Justin needed to hear. "Good luck," he said and hugged the boy briefly, daring to hope that Justin's wish would come true.  Then he made a call to the hospital and let the staff know what was happening. Justin was sleeping off the effects of a particularly draining group therapy session when the nurse let Lance into his room. Lance stepped over to the bedside silently and stood looking down at Justin.  He began to cry, silent tears tracking down his cheeks.  Until this morning, he wasn't sure he was strong enough to be in love with this boy.  It was so hard watching him hurt himself or let himself be hurt by everyone.  Including you, Lance. He knew he needed to tell Justin about AJ and probably JC, too.  He wondered how he could have put their relationship aside so easily, never thinking about how it would hurt Justin if he ever found out about it. He knew that some of his own words and actions had driven Justin here, but he also knew that Justin could draw that behavior out of people, the perfect victim.  No more.  That much he could promise Justin. While he lay in bed this morning, thoughts of Justin had drifted in. They weren't the usual, the lust for the physical beauty of this boy.  He saw Justin, alone, wondering just what it was that he did to deserve all this pain.  And the answer was there— nothing. Justin needed him to be there right now, to be the strong one, to support him.  Not to selfishly run away from Justin's pain.  Lance was the one who sighed this time.  He would stay and love this boy the best he could.  He would take him as far as he could and hope that at the end of the road, they would be together, two healthier people. Justin's eyes fluttered open and he looked amazed, sure that this was a dream and not wanting it to end.  "Lance, " he whispered, "is that really you?" Yep, it's me," he said and leaned over to drop a sweet kiss on Justin's lips. Justin's eyes filled and he wiped the tears away quickly, not wanting Lance to make fun of him.  "It's okay to cry, Jus." Justin looked up at Lance and saw tears in those green eyes he had missed so much.  "*You're* crying," he stated in a shocked tone.  He had never seen Lance cry. "I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry for what I did to you and I'm sorry for what everyone else has done, too." Justin was speechless. "I have to confess something.  Me and AJ....." Lance started but stopped when Justin held up his hand. "I know," he whispered, " I saw you." Lance's face twisted in pain and Justin almost didn't continue but he could hear Noel urging him to go ahead.  "That was fucked up, Lance, I didn't deserve that." Lance was crying hard now, "I know, Jus.  I am so sorry.  I will never do that to you again.  I swear." Justin was in awe.  He had expected Lance to lash out and blame him for the whole incident, but he didn't. It even sounded like they were still a couple. Justin's mouth worked but no words came out right away.  He was so afraid to ask for what he needed— a friend as well as a lover. He prayed that Lance would be that for him. Lance smiled down, reassuring him, reading the naked plea on the face that he really did love.  "It's going to be a lot of work, baby boy, but worth every minute and if I have to tell you that I think you're special  forever, well, I guess I can stand it if you can." "Why?" It was the question of his life. "Because some day I want you to see yourself the way that everyone else sees you and I want to be around for that.  Then I can say, look at me, the greatest guy in the world loves *me*." Justin shook his head, rejecting the picture as too impossible.  "How could that ever happen?" he whispered. "Lots of hard work, lots of loving and trust that we were meant to be here together, just for this.  I've grown up a lot these last few weeks, more than I want to actually.  But we have a long way to go." Justin met his eyes and knew that he had an anchor, and for that moment he knew what it was like to be loved for himself.  They smiled at one another, promising nothing and everything at the same time and for today that was enough. The End Notes: First, I asked to use this plot because I liked the idea but when I started writing it, I realized that a healthy teen with good self-esteem would never fall for JC's shit. So why would he listen to his brother, why would he not suspect, why would he judge himself so harshly? The answer I came up with is that he is a child of an alcoholic. Lynn has been drawn pretty black and white, but an active alcoholic's ability to be self-centered to an impressive degree is accurate, even to the point of abusing your children emotionally. COAs grow up with a totally distorted sense of self and sense of what they are responsible for. Justin is not naive, he is abused. Of course, he would not be as obvious but as I said before, do you really want to read that? Lance, on the other hand, is more of a realistic teen involved in a highly dysfunctional relationship. One or two readers have expressed sympathy for his position and I am glad. He is between a rock and a hard place and vacillates between narcissistic teen and loving young adult. At the end, he makes no promises and I think that is realistic. JC is a sociopath/psychopath. No morals, no conscience. A masterful liar, he can convince anyone of anything, including sometimes therapists. His parents response at the end serves a useful purpose both for him and for them. No one has to take the blame for Justin's problems. So, the ending. Justin would need long term therapy, separation from the family, and counseling for the two of them as a couple. Lance would have to be strong enough not to fall into the same dysfunctional pattern again. Hope is all I was trying to leave people with at the end, because that is the most realistic ending. Hope it works for you. This was very personal for me and hard to write. It apparently touched some readers as well. It is not a simple story with a simple solution. Thanks for hanging in there. Joan menu