Chapter 14          Noel spent the night in a chair, leaving the room when instructed and coming back when they were finished.  Justin was still out of it and Noel's head dropped to his chest.  Justin's eyes fluttered open much later, squinting in the dim light, trying to identify the figure in the chair. His head was still spinning and the beginnings of a gigantic headache were creeping from behind his eyes.  He rubbed his head and tried to focus, but it was too hard.  He just knew it wasn't Lance.  His eyes closed and he attempted to remember what had happened. It came back in puzzle pieces, rough edges and missing shapes, and no amount of concentrating brought back any of it after the last swig of scotch.  He remembered wanting to die, in fact, that was still pretty much a good idea, but he didn't know how he got here or what had happened since he arrived. He drifted off again, the alcohol still working its magic, inducing sleep, forgetfulness.  He woke up again with the room still dark, which meant nothing since there were no windows, just a sterile cage where time and place lost meaning.  At first he thought he was alone and then he heard that soft voice he recognized as Noel's, "Hey, welcome back." "Thanks, I guess." He wanted to ask where his parents were, where Lance was, but he was afraid, afraid that knowing they didn't care would be too much to hear, much less absorb. Noel watched Justin twist the sheets, trying not to cry, trying to be impervious to the psychic pain that was crashing on him in a tidal wave.  Justin leaned back and shut his eyes, tears slipping out from under the closed lids.  Noel stood next to the bed and touched Justin's shoulder, pulling back as the boy shrugged his hand off. "Justin," Noel said, "I know things seem bleak but ..." "Bleak?" he snarled, "I guess.  Why couldn't you all let me die?  You want a medal for rescuing me?" "You want to die?" "More than anything," he whispered, "Everything just fucking hurts too much." "So, if you got the chance..." "I'd fucking do it again.  Only this time I'd hide better, give the alcohol a chance to kill me." There was anger in his voice, an anger that barely covered the despair, an anger that Noel needed to defuse before he hurt himself with it again. "Justin, look at me." The boy shook his head but when Noel repeated the request, he sighed and met the older man's gaze.  "I know you won't believe this, but I know *exactly* where you're coming from." He saw the blue eyes, so full of hurt and misery, waver, caught in the possibility that he was not alone.  "How?" "I *was* you not that long ago, right down to my parents rejecting me because I told them that I was gay." Justin's eyes widened in surprise and then the tears flowed, Noel sitting quietly until the flood subsided.  He handed a wad of tissues to Justin and said, "Feel a little better?"                                             "A little." "What happened between our first meeting and that last drink?" Justin's eyes watered again.  "Talk to me." Justin hesitated and then he blurted out the whole story in a rapid torrent of words, half thoughts and voiced fears all running out together into a stream of consciousness.  Noel didn't interrupt, choosing to wait until Justin's need to unburden himself had run its course. When Justin finished, he blew his nose loudly, and grabbed for more tissues, trying to soak up the evidence of how much everyone hurt him.  Then he curled into a tight ball, afraid of what Noel was thinking of him.  Noel sat shaking, the cruelty this child had endured even more appalling than he had thought possible. Suicide?  It was amazing that the kid hadn't already tried and succeeded..  Noel sighed, knowing Justin would have to go inpatient, for his own safety and that that would reinforce his beliefs about how defective he truly was.  But Noel knew that Justin couldn't be kept safe out here and he was determined to keep the boy alive. Lance was curled up in his own bed, scared out of his wits.  Seeing Justin like that at the cemetery and in the ambulance had terrified Lance.  Justin was trying to kill himself, his life so awful that he wanted to die.  Lance didn't even know the whole story but he felt guilty nonetheless for all the times that he had given Justin the cold shoulder or not answered the phone or rejected his attempts to connect. Coward.  That word came to mind as well.  He was afraid to go see Justin, afraid of what Justin would want that Lance couldn't give and so the best idea would be to leave this boy alone and rationalize that Justin would be better off without him. Their last time together came onto his internal screen.  Justin naked, offering himself so that Lance wouldn't leave him and Lance using him and then tossing him away in a fit of anger, not even letting Justin explain himself.  Lance cried for both of them. And then Justin's mother's words played like a tape, hurtful words that Justin must have heard so often, about not being good enough, about being a disappointment.  No wonder he had reached the end of his rope.  But why tonight? He knew if he wanted to know, he would have to go see Justin and he wasn't sure that he could handle that.  Maybe he'd go see Noel instead.  Long into the night, he lay awake, thinking of what he should have done, should do and would do—  maybe. JC also lay awake, wishing he could have videotaped his stepbrother's face at the end, right before he left.  His face was such a picture of pain, all of the pain that he had painted there.  It was his masterpiece and his only regret was that Justin was now locked away where he couldn't twist the knife, widen the wound and watch him bleed emotions, until he was dry and lifeless. He needed to turn his attention to seducing Lance.  He knew he could play the concerned brother and friend to the hilt until Lance responded and then ever so slowly, Lance would be his.  After all, he responded to that little skank AJ, so why not himself.  And he would be there with the ready sympathy, the heartwarming support.  It made JC gag, but then, that was the price you paid to get what you wanted and to make sure Justin lost any chance to regain his boyfriend. Lynn and Paul talked about what they would do if Noel wanted their support.  They were united in their rejection of Lynn's son, his homosexuality an unforgivable sin.  This Mr.  Giordano could have Justin.  They were sure of that.  There was no gray area for them, no place where love for your child outweighed ideology. So they planned how they would eradicate him from their lives until he denied his sexuality and wasn't with that terrible boy Lance.  Lynn would start packing up his things the next morning and then it would all go in the garage.  They went to sleep with only a brief thought for the innocent child in the hospital.                                     Finally, Jim and Diane Bass discussed taking Justin into their home.  They weren't sure about Lance's reaction.  He had shared a little of their problems with his parents but they still weren't sure what exactly had happened or would happen for that matter.  But even if they knew, neither could turn away this suffering boy and they would let Mr.  Giordano know as soon as possible. It was early morning when the nurse came in and busied herself, Justin watching her carefully from under half-closed lids.  She didn't care if he was sleeping.  She had her job to do, so she shook him and took his vitals and noted them.  Sitting up to have his blood pressure taken,  he looked for Noel and was disappointed to see that the chair was empty. He bit his lip, not wanting to cry in front of this stranger but feeling overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness and rejection.  "Doctor will be in in a few.  And breakfast." "Thanks," he replied softly.  "What time is it?" "7AM," she answered and offered no more information. Justin lay back once she had left and did cry, wishing Noel hadn't left him alone, too.  He didn't open his eyes when he heard the door, assuming it was one of the two options the nurse had listed, neither one appealing at the moment. "Hey, still asleep?" Noel said, a laughing note to his voice.  "Hard to do in a place like this." Justin looked at him, relief apparent in his eyes.  "Yeah, I tried but it didn't...." he trailed off as the tears choked him again.  "Thanks," he whispered. "Justin, I only went out to make a call, tell my friend to walk the dog." Justin nodded solemnly, on the one hand wondering why Noel was staying and on the other, grateful for the one friend left, even if the school paid him to be a friend. "A doctor is coming in to evaluate you," Noel said. "For what?" Justin asked, wariness in his voice. "Treatment.  In a hospital." Justin knew what that meant.  He was truly defective and they thought they could fix him if they only had some time.  He paled at the thought of what his parents would say.  And Lance.  Then he sighed.  Lance probably wouldn't care.  "My parents.  Do they know I'm here?" "Of course," Noel said and agonized over what to say next, how much information to burden Justin with. "But?" Justin trembled but continued, "Did they come at all?" "Yes, they came and they signed papers." "So they're not coming back?" Justin asked, naked vulnerability written across his features.  He reached for the tissues again and wiped at the tears that had gathered. "Let's deal with one issue at a time.  OK?" Justin nodded and Noel moved on, "Caring Winds is a lovely place and I'm on their part time staff so I can be the psychologist assigned to you.  Want that?" "Yeah," Justin whispered.  "I'd like that.  How long will I be there?" "Thirty days most likely," Noel answered.  Justin's eyes widened at the thought of a whole month in a hospital alone.  He knew Noel couldn't stay all the time.  And there was no one else. Justin wished again that he had succeeded in killing himself. continue menu