Chapter 11

Justin stayed in bed for the next two days, JC playing the helpful
brother and Lynn happy to let him.  Nobody really cared enough to
check on Justin except Lance and Lance was so pissed that he was
damned if he was going to call their house.

Justin huddled in his own bed, trying to remember what he had said or
done to end up like this.  His ass was still sore from the vicious
treatment he had received and yet, JC sat with him all the time,
stroking his hair, bringing him food and drink, whispering soothing
words.  Justin's head hurt trying to make sense of it at all.

Sometime on Saturday while Justin was still trying to put the pieces
of the puzzle together, JC entered the room, a sad expression on his
face and unshed tears in his eyes.  Justin frowned and studied his
stepbrother, but remained silent.

"Jus, I am so sorry.  Man, I can't tell you how fucked up that was
last night.  How fucked up *I* was.  I didn't mean to hurt you.  I
just got drunk and...." he let Justin finish the sentence in his own
head.

Justin murmured, "It's okay." Part of him screamed that JC didn't
deserve forgiveness and that there were details that didn't make
sense.  But the part that won was the people-pleasing Justin, the boy
who wanted everyone to love him, who wanted peace, who would
sacrifice everything to that end.

"Still friends, then?" JC asked with a shy smile.

"Sure, JC, just don't ...." he started but he couldn't finish and was
relieved when JC held up his hand.

"Never again, Jus," he said and left the room, hiding the malicious
grin that would have told Justin he had been lying from the beginning.

Justin replayed Friday and when he started crying, he knew he had to
bury the feelings and the questions and forgive JC for his mistake.



By Sunday, Justin felt well enough to do his homework,  the horrible
feelings effectively shoved into that special place where he kept
them all hidden. Justin was working on a paper when JC came back from
dinner with a plate for him.  Justin glanced up from his work.

"I brought you dinner," JC said, placing the food near Justin.

When JC stood silent, waiting, Justin said, "Thanks for the food."

JC smiled, "About Friday night?"

Justin knew he couldn't eat.  He didn't say a word, just sat staring
at his older brother.

"I don't want you to tell Lance about what happened?  Okay?"

"Yes," Justin answered and he wanted to add that he hoped Lance never
found out that he was even there.





Monday morning, he found Lance in the hall, hunting in his locker for
some misplaced item,  and went over. "Hey," he said softly, not sure
of the reception these days and when Lance turned around, he realized
that his concern was justified.  Green looked like fire and Justin
stepped back, afraid of it.

"Well, well, where have you been?" Lance asked, the anger sizzling in
the air.

"I was sick all weekend," Justin answered, hoping against hope that
Lance would leave it at that.

"But not Friday," Lance said.

Justin looked confused at first, then as awareness dawned, a stricken
look replaced it.  Lance waited for an explanation, just staring at
his lover, wondering when this boy became worth so much effort.

"I thought you were going to be there..." he began.  He was
interrupted by a scornful snort that said Lance thought he was
lying.  "No.  Lance, really, I went with JC.  He said you were going
to be there and then Kevin said you weren't coming and I had no way
home and I'm so sorry." It came out in a long string, Justin rushing
the words, trying to get them all out before Lance said or did
something else.

But Lance waited and stared for a long pause after Justin was
finished and then said slowly, "And when I wasn't there, did you call
to find out why?"

"I told you I was sick," Justin responded lamely.  How could he
answer without telling him what had happened?

"Too sick to call?" Lance's eyebrows were nearly in his hairline and
he shook his head.  "Get help or we're done."

"Help?" Justin repeated as if he were unfamiliar with the word.

"Yeah, help.  H-e-l-p as in Noel or your coach or someone.  You are
beyond what I can do and frankly, I don't want to do it anymore.
Relationships shouldn't be this much work, this fucked up."

Justin was rigid, trying to keep himself together.  One of his last
supports was falling away and he couldn't let that happen.  "I'll go
see Noel today, okay?  Please, Lance?  Give me one more chance."

"Go see him and we'll talk," Lance answered and walked away.


Justin did something he had never done before.  He cut class and sat
outside Noel's office waiting to see him.  The secretary, normally
gruff, looked sympathetically at the shivering boy and told him it
would be a few minutes.  A few minutes to figure out what to say.
How much to include and what to leave out.  And how.  And why.

When the door opened, Justin didn't recognize the kid who left and he
hoped the reverse was true.  Noel held the door open and smiled.
Some of the teachers had been stopping him in the hall, suggesting
that he make time to see Justin and someone had been kind enough to
point him out in the hall.  Noel laughed mirthlessly.  As if he
needed business.

So he knew who Justin was and when he greeted him by name, Justin
jumped and looked terrified.  Noel hurried to assure him that one of
the teachers was concerned and that he was glad that Justin had found
him instead.

"Yeah, uh, .....thanks," Justin stuttered, wondering where to go next
with this bad idea.  Noel directed him to a seat and he flopped down,
thinking how to start.

Noel said, "Having concentration problems?"

Concentration problems?  You could say that.  The only fucking thing
I *can* concentrate on is my relationship and that's crumbling right
in front of my eyes.  What he said was, "Yeah, concentration
problems."

Noel pursed his lips, "Justin, *you* came here.  I need information
if you want me to help you.  If not, then...."

"I do want help," Justin interrupted, fear in his voice, "but I ..."
He trailed off, not knowing what to say.

Noel sat and waited while Justin chewed his lip.  Finally, he
asked, "If I tell you something, will you tell my parents?"

"In some cases I have to report, if you're in danger or if someone
else is, but in most cases, what is said here, stays here.  Does that
help?"

"Well, if I told you something that I didn't want them to know."

"As I said before, dangerous, illegal?"

Justin's eyes widened, "No, of course not."

"Try me.  If we're getting near reportable areas, I'll try and warn
you.  Fair?"

Noel leaned back, his body relaxed, as if he had all day for Justin
to get to the point.  Justin stared at his hands, which were twining
together, pressing tightly until there was only white.

"I'm gay." It was barely above a whisper and Noel leaned forward to
hear the words.  Justin continued to look down, afraid to meet Noel's
eyes.

"I take it your parents wouldn't approve," he said.

Justin did look up then and laughed, an unhappy sound, "You could say
that.  Actually, they'd probably kill me."

"Doubt that," Noel responded, a supportive smile on his face.  Justin
responded with his own smile but it faded quickly.

"Close enough for me."

"Well, let's go back.  Start at the beginning.  Tell me about your
parents.  All that good stuff."

Justin started slowly, but soon realized there was no reason to hold
any of this back.  This was simply who he was, where he came from,
all that `good stuff' as Noel said.  He painted a somewhat rosier
picture than reality but not total fiction.  He included the drinking—
to a point and he included Paul's rage— to a point.  He left out JC
for the time being and he blamed himself for a lot of what was wrong
in the family.

Noel had heard it all before.  Justin's story was not unique and
Noel figured he could up the alcohol and rage by 100% and still not
hit the mark.  He still wasn't sure what the catalyst had been for
Justin's current state.  After all, rage and alcohol had been a part
of this family's dynamics as long as Lynn and Paul had been together,
the alcohol combined with co-dependence before that.

Justin stopped for a breath.  "This is all good, Justin, but I'm not
sure what has changed recently to bring you here."

This is where it gets touchy, Justin thought.  How much do I
say?  "It's Lance."

"Go on."

"Lance is..was..is...my boyfriend.  He wants me to tell people,
including my parents, that I'm gay. He doesn't understand how they
will be."

"How long have you been dating?"

"A year.  His parents know all about us and they're cool with it, so
he thinks all parents are like his.  Mine aren't, believe me."

"I believe you.  Some parents make it very difficult for their
children.  What about your brother?"

"What about him?" Justin was scared that Noel would ask questions
that he couldn't answer.

"Does he know?  How does he feel if he does know?  Has he made life
harder for you?" Justin was stumped.

"Yes, he knows.  I really don't know how he feels.  Sometimes he
makes life easier, like driving me to Lance's and picking me up but
sometimes...." Justin couldn't talk about Friday.

Noel caught the uncertainty in Justin's voice and made a mental note
to pursue this relationship.  It was clear that Justin was holding
back, even his body language shifting into protective mode.  But not
today.  This boy needed to trust him a lot more before he would let
him in that far.

"So, Justin, what do you want from me?" Noel asked quietly.

Justin sat, openmouthed, realizing that he had no clue what he
wanted, just that he had promised Lance and so, here he was.  He sat
for several more minutes, the silence intense, until tears ran down
his face.  "I want to ...fix things.....with me and Lance.  He thinks
I need your help for that."

"Do you think that?"

"I guess.  All we do is argue.  I just want peace.  That's all."

"Peace at any cost to you?"  Justin looked confused and Noel knew
that he had no awareness of how dependent he was on others for any
sense of self that he had.  This was beyond school psychologist but,
Noel sighed, we could start here.

"Justin, we may have to bring your parents in at some point." Justin
tensed visibly and nearly leaped out of his chair.  "Calm down.  Not
right now, so don't worry.  I just want to let you know what I'm
thinking.  OK?"

Justin nodded and ran his hands nervously through his curls.  He
wondered what the hell he had done, coming here like this.  Then he
remembered— Lance.  He would do anything for Lance.

So he listened quietly to Noel and agreed to another appointment on
Friday before he sprinted off, one class left before he could tell
Lance that he had done what he asked.

By the time lunch arrived, Justin was beyond anxious, already
determined to spend lunch with his boyfriend and skip practice
again.  Britney craned, looking for him, and made straight for him,
pissiness etched on her features.

"Hey, Justin, you ditching practice again?" she asked, hands on her
hips.

"Yeah, Brit," he said, resigned to the tirade, so like his mother's,
that he knew would follow.  She didn't disappoint him, tearing him
apart in front of all their friends, as he sat there, simply
absorbing the blows.

"Cut it out, bitch," they all heard as Lance approached the
table.  "Are you his Mommy since you can't be his girlfriend?"
Britney gritted her teeth and whirled around, but when she heard the
laughter erupt from the group, she stomped off without another word.

Justin looked up, grateful, and smiled, "Thanks."

Lance gave him a disgusted look, "Why didn't you tell her to fuck
off?  Why did you let her rip you a new one?"

"I don't know," he whispered, and it was the truth.  He swallowed
hard and said, whispering still," I went to see Noel."

Lance raised his eyebrows and gave Justin a half-smile, "Good for
you."

"I did it for us," Justin said, a pleading tone in his voice that
begged Lance to tell him it would all be okay.

Lance was torn.  So much of him shouted that this relationship was
too fucked up to ever work and then there was the part that said
Justin was special and worth the effort.  For weeks, he had been
teetering on the edge, afraid to fall either way— not wanting to
torture either of them.

"Can you come over tonight?" he asked.  The puppy-like joy that
spread over Justin's face scared him.  It took so little to make that
boy happy.  "We need to talk." The light went out like a switch had
been pulled and Lance didn't have the heart to leave it like
that.  "It's okay, baby,"he said and once again that smile lit up the
room.


Justin had a good afternoon and the coach noticed the change but
didn't mention it, hoping that it would last.  JC noticed, too, and
shook his head, wondering what had happened at lunch.  On the drive
home, he casually mentioned, "You seem to be in a good mood.  Good
stuff?"

Justin had been a little more careful around JC since Friday, but
couldn't ignore him.  "Yeah, I'm .....Can you drive me to Lance's
tonight?"

"Sure.  Everything worked out with you two?"

"I hope so," Justin answered honestly.  JC had his fake smile in
place so Justin had no idea of the anger that boiled, a witches' brew
of trouble for Justin.

Hours later, JC called for Justin to speed it up and the younger boy
flew out the door, yelling a hurried goodbye, not waiting to hear his
parents' response.  JC drove in silence and Justin was too
preoccupied to make conversation.  He barely noticed when the car
pulled up in front of Lance's house and JC said, "Later. `K?"

Justin had intended to bypass the parents but that plan was foiled
when Diane called him into the den.  He entered nervously, wondering
what she could want, and his anxiety only increased when she let her
gaze start at his toes and move upward, an appraising look on her
face.  "You're too skinny, Justin," she laughed, "Momma not feeding
you?"

"Yes....ma'am....she is .....feeding me, I mean."

"Sit, Justin," she said , patting the sofa next to her.  "Lance is
worried about you and so am I.  Is everything OK at home?"

What could he say?  He couldn't betray his parents.  "Sure, Mrs.
Bass, everything's fine."

"Well, all right, but if you ever need anything, just call.  Deal?"

"Sure," he replied though he knew he would never ask for the kind of
help he needed.  He slid off the couch and ran upstairs.

Lance was waiting, frowning, "What was that?"

Justin felt accused.  "I don't know.  Your mom just wanted to talk
for a minute."

They stood eying one another uncertainly, their easy comfort with one
another gone for now, replaced with a stiffness that kept them
apart.  Justin looked scared, afraid of a misstep that would banish
him from Lance's life forever.  Lance shook his head.  Maybe this was
too much.  He didn't want a child— he wanted a partner.

Justin panicked at the shake of Lance's head and ran to him, pulling
on him, begging for an embrace.  He nuzzled into Lance's neck,
planting kisses wherever he could, finding new spots whenever Lance
shrugged away.  Lance pushed Justin away gently, "Listen, baby boy,
we have to talk."

He pulled Justin over to the bed and held his hands.  He could feel
the trembling and wanted to make it go away but it was too much for
him— too much for anyone who was only 17.  "Listen, babe, maybe it
would be better if we stopped..."

"Please don't say that, Lance."

"I have to say it," he answered, "we need time and space for you to
get better.  Go see Noel for awhile.  Then we'll see."

Justin was openly crying and he responded the only way he knew how.
He stood and pulled his shirt off, kicked off his sneakers and undid
his belt and jeans.  He slipped the denims off with his boxers and he
was standing in front of Lance naked, offering himself.  He was still
sore from Friday but he didn't care.  He would do whatever it took
for Lance to say that they could stay together.

Lance knew he should turn his back and tell Justin to get dressed and
stop acting like a whore, but the sight of that incredible body and
the sweet innocence undid all of his good intentions.  He drew Justin
onto the bed and once again straddled the boy, not bothering to
remove any clothing.
He held Justin's wrists above his head and leaned in to seek
entrance, an entrance quickly granted.

Justin knew to be completely passive, leaving his arms above his
head, not touching at all.  Then Lance stood and undressed.  As he
regained his spot, Justin looked up at the person who dominated his
life in so many ways and prayed that they would stay together after
this.

Justin gasped as Lance rubbed his nipples, sending bright bolts of
pleasure through his body.  He concentrated on not moving his arms,
on holding still as Lance assaulted him with fiery kisses, licking
down the soft skin of his inner arms, and then down farther as he
kissed his abs and the flat stomach.  Justin wriggled ever so
slightly with the electric thrills and Lance smiled.

The older boy moved down and licked inside Justin's thighs, the
effect on the sensitive skin making Justin moan. His own dick was
throbbing as he watched Justin's body respond to his touches.  He
stopped and leaned back.  Justin bit his lip, waiting, not speaking.

"What do you want, Justin?"  Lance asked softly.  Justin looked
confused by the question and frowned.  "Tell me what to do, how you
want it tonight."

His indecision was evident, debating on choosing what *he* really
wanted or wanting what he believed Lance did.  He chose Lance,
choosing the pain of being entered so soon, hoping Lance wouldn't
guess what had happened.

Lance was gentle, making sure the lube was plentiful and he had
relaxed Justin with his fingers, but even so, Justin was sweating
with the effort of hiding the pain.  Lance looked down frowning,
knowing that Justin was hiding something.  He sighed— another secret.

He pulled away and Justin looked at him, fear in his eyes.  Lance
just shook his head and moved off Justin, slamming into the
bathroom.  Justin lay there, waiting, hoping Lance's disappearance
wasn't his fault.  But when he heard the water running, he knew
things had spun out of control. His dick ached and he knew Lance
wasn't coming back to take care of it, so he gave it a few hard,
quick strokes and finished what they had started.

He was dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed when Lance
returned, an angry set to his mouth.  "What was that shit?"

Justin had no answer and Lance was furious.  "Listen, Justin, this is
complete bull.  Come back when you've changed, when you're not a
total wimp."

"Lance, please," Justin begged.

"No.  No more.  You're hiding something.  Don't know why and at this
point, I don't care.  Work with Noel and let me know when there are
some significant changes."

Justin had no more resources.  His sex card had been played and his
tears were just pissing Lance off even more.  He stood and left the
room quietly, Lance never even looking.



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