| Chapter 12 Justin waited outside, sitting on the curb until JC arrived. When JC asked what was wrong, Justin begged him to drop it, to leave him alone. JC was dying to know what had happened but figured he could pry the information out of Lance in the morning. It was another long night for Justin, no schoolwork got done, just an endless tape loop of the scene in Lance's room. By the next morning, Justin looked like something "the cat dragged in." Even though he rode with JC, he didn't offer any info and JC didn't ask. Justin avoided the cafeteria and sat outside his first period class until it was finally time to open the classrooms to students. He could have skipped the whole thing, his inattention obvious. The 70 on his math test caught his attention and he paled at the thought of explaining this one to his parents. By lunch, he was ready to lose himself in the music room but when he tried, Mr.Raines asked why he even bothered coming. "You've skipped too many practices. JC here has a great voice so he can take your place and he shows up." Britney looked over with that "I-told-you-so" smile. Justin slammed out before he cried. The inevitable tirade from his mother came when JC oh so subtly mentioned grades at dinner again. Justin looked up quickly, distress obvious, but also dawning suspicion. Still not enough to accuse and maybe Justin never would have those kind of guts anyhow, but he frowned at his brother and an innocent look was the only response. Just as Lynn opened her mouth, Justin volunteered that he had gotten a 70, in math of all subjects. She stared at him, wondering what had happened to her perfect child, never stopping to consider that something was wrong, that something was bothering him. So the tornado blew through and Justin held on, his body hunched into a self-protective curve, and eventually, she wound down. When she did , he looked up, his face streaked with tears, and quietly asked if he could be excused. "Sit here, you ungrateful little shit, and finish your dinner," she spit out. His stomach clenched at the thought of eating and he ran out of the room, ignoring his mother's shouts. He didn't care if she punished him. He just fucking didn't care. Only about Lance and he was gone now. He had totally fucked that up. Over the next few days, Justin slipped further into despair. He spent most of his time at school trying to talk to Lance who spent all his time avoiding Justin. Choir was gone, most of his teachers were complaining, basketball was iffy and Justin didn't care. He skipped Friday's appointment with Noel, figuring that if Lance and he were finished, why bother with help? His eyes were closed, resting against the car seat, when JC asked, "You going to come to AJ's party tonight?" Justin didn't even bother to open his eyes, "No." "C'mon, get out of the house. You mope around all the time." "No, JC," he said, a little more forcefully. "Lance will be there," he wheedled. Justin perked up for a minute and then sighed, "That's what you said the last time. And then...." "I've apologized for that, Justin," he said, "but seriously, Lance told me he was going." "Did he ask about me?" Justin said, a hopeful note in his voice. JC just shook his head. "So why should I bother?" "Suit yourself, Justin, but that's where he'll be tonight," JC said. He knew Justin would worry this like a dog with a bone until he had convinced himself that he had some logical reason for going. He whistled, congratulating himself on how masterfully he manipulated Justin, how the younger boy always fell into his trap. When he was ready to go, he sailed down the stairs and found Justin waiting, freshly scrubbed and JC had to admit he was one fucking hot kid. He looked frayed around the edges but still beautiful. "So you decided to go. Well, c'mon then. We have to stop and pick up Brit. She asked for a ride at practice today." He laughed to himself as Justin's face dropped. "Cheer up, kid, it's just a ride." He didn't mention that he had dropped a few hints that Justin might be interested in her at long last and was just too shy to make the first move. She bounced out to the car, incredibly perky and wearing an outfit that would have caused 99% of the male population to react. Unfortunately, Justin was in the 1% and his mind was entirely focused on Lance. He tried to get in the back but she simply slid in, pushing herself against him and giggling about how cozy it felt. JC and Britney kept up a patter, outrageous statements that made them both laugh. Justin remained silent, his eyes closed, his hands in his lap, trying to squeeze into as small a space as possible. When they arrived, Justin just wanted to get out and get away, to find Lance, but Britney had other ideas. "Justin, I need to talk to you," she said, a needy edge that Justin always responded to, not wanting to hurt her feelings. "OK, a minute," he said, watching nervously as JC walked away, leaving them alone in the dark, leaning on the car. Britney pressed close to Justin and he took a step away. "Justin, do you or don't you like me?" she demanded in exasperated tones. "I like you, Brit, ...." he wanted to blurt out that he was gay and friends would be all they could ever be to one another but he stopped. "*But*, Justin, I hear the `but' in your voice. Not like that, right?" When he nodded, she continued, "Why? I know I'm hot, I'm popular, not as smart as you but not an idiot either, so why?" Justin was struck dumb. The only answer that came into his head was telling her that he loved Lance and that didn't seem like a good idea. When he remained speechless, she said, "I just don't get it. It's only one step from where we are now." She hated throwing herself at him but it seemed like the only thing to do. She pressed her lips to his and pulled his head down, her fingers twisting in his curls. Justin pulled back, "No, Britney, what the hell?" He saw her embarrassed blush and tried to undo the damage. "I'm sorry...." he said to her departing back. "Forget it, Justin. I still don't get it, but I ain't wasting any more time on your sorry ass." Justin swallowed. What if she figured it out? What if she told people? What if....? The thought remained unfinished as JC ran over to him. "Hey, I thought you might need rescuing," he laughed. "Too late. The damage is done," he said miserably, "she hates me now." JC was glad it was too dark for Justin to see the satisfied smirk on his face, another perfect plan achieving his goal. Justin had no friends at the moment. Britney had been his last support. He truly had nowhere to turn and the rest of the plan could be carried out and Justin's downfall would be complete. Then JC would let him fall, down into whatever abyss he chose. They walked in together and headed to the kitchen, JC skillfully steering the younger boy. He needed Justin just a little bit drunk before he administered the coup de grace. He gave him a drink, enough alcohol to work, enough sweetness to make it slide down easily and then he remained at Justin's side, discouraging him from seeking Lance, assuring him that Lance hadn't arrived yet and listening to Justin's insecurities. Just let the booze work, baby, he thought, as he distracted Justin until two drinks had the desired effect. Justin was slightly buzzed, a warm feeling of well-being that alcohol always put there. He could understand why his mother drank. It took away all of the pain, made him feel like he wasn't the worthless shit that everyone seemed to think he was. "JC, can we go sit down?" Justin asked, swaying slightly, the vodka making him forget the last time. But that wasn't JC's plan tonight anyhow, so he agreed, "Let's find someplace quiet and you can rest a little." Justin nodded and let the older boy lead him down the hall to a closed door. When they stopped, Justin pulled away, the fear on his face evidence that he wasn't too drunk to remember the last party. "JC," he whimpered. "No, no, I promised. It's the library. I'm sure there are other kids in there," he said and he *was* sure. Justin didn't pay attention to how quietly JC opened the door, not going in, just letting it swing wide so that they could see the couple on the couch making out, bodies entwined. Justin blinked and started to back away and then he stopped, his heart in his throat. JC took in every nuance of the scene as Justin realized who he was looking at. He almost laughed at the pain that took over when Justin recognized Lance and AJ as the two lovers. Justin wanted to run but he remained frozen to the spot, watching as the blond arched back, exposing his neck to the wild kisses and bites of the darker, more dangerous boy. He watched the hands move restlessly over one another's body, touching places on Lance that had been his for so long. And Lance was lost in the bliss, the bliss he no longer wanted from Justin. Justin moaned, "Lance." But he was too quiet to hear over the sounds of their passion and Lance never looked up. JC pulled him out of the room, disturbing the scene not part of the plan. He turned Justin to face him and saw the deadness there, the shock, and he savored it, lapping at Justin's grief, breathing in the betrayal destroying Justin. Justin wrenched away from JC and turned to run, finding a door, stumbling out blindly. JC followed, finding the younger boy retching the remains of his drinks into the bushes, tears mingling with the vomit. JC put his arm around Justin, not surprised when Justin shrugged it off, the wounded, cornered animal, ready to make a last stand. JC asked, "Want to go?" Justin nodded, needing to escape. They had almost made it to the door safely when Britney blocked the path, hands in that familiar place on her hips, disgust apparent. In a loud, slightly slurred voice, she announced, "You are fucking gay, aren't you?" Even JC couldn't have planned this better. Justin stood, paralyzed, unable to force a sound past the lump in his throat. By this time, an audience had gathered and Britney loved an audience. "All this time, I thought it was something about me, you fag. Oh my God, how gross is this. Pretty boy. I should have guessed. That's why Lance hates me, isn't it?" Justin was pinned by the stares, by the low hum of voices, by the muted disgust he heard. His eyes were bright with tears, holding them back with difficulty, determined not to let them see his hurt. Britney was glaring at him now, angry that she felt like such a fool. "I hate you, Justin." She turned and threw her arms wide, "He's gay, folks, our dear little Justin is gay. So watch your boyfriends, girls." The mean remark was greeted by nervous laughter. No one wanted to defend him, to be the one associated with him. JC grabbed Justin's elbow roughly and dragged him out, the echoes of the laughter following them out the door. Justin threw himself into the car and wondered if things could be worse. The picture of Lance and AJ was etched in his brain and he couldn't erase it. As they were walking into the house, JC asked, "Why did you tell her that you were gay?" "I didn't. She guessed," Justin responded. The door opened and the shock of the evening and the leftover alcohol made him careless. In a too loud voice, JC said, "She *guessed* that you were gay?" "Sssh," Justin warned, but it was too late. His mother had heard the door and was standing there, openmouthed, swaying unsteadily from the combined effects of scotch and what she had just overheard. "Justin, is it true?" she said, in a slurry voice. He couldn't do it. He turned and ran up the stairs, hiding in his room, as if that would resolve things. Moments later, he heard footsteps and knew it wasn't just his mother. The door flew open and he scrambled to his feet, backing away from his stepfather, from the rage that was out of control. "True, boy? You're a fag?" He spit out each word. Justin felt like this was the millionth time he'd been here. No words. No answers. Just silence. He looked down and that was a mistake because he never saw his stepfather's fist as it landed on his jaw, forcing him to his knees and sending bolts of pain throughout his body. It didn't end there. He hauled Justin to his feet and hit him again, his powerful punch knocking the wind out, Justin gasping as he bent over, sucking in air. It went on for several minutes, no words just fists, just rage wreaking havoc on Justin. "Get the hell out of here, you fucking loser," his stepfather said standing over the kneeling boy, "go stay with your boyfriend. Lance *is* your boyfriend, isn't he. Shit, I should have guessed." He stormed out, throwing back over his shoulder, "You better be out of here in fifteen minutes." His mother and JC still stood there, watching. Lynn finally said, "I can't believe you did this to me. After all I have done for you." Then she left, too, and the pain from that was even worse than the physical. Justin looked to JC for support and found none. JC sneered, "Done. I accomplished what I set out to do. I have your life, the lead in choir, the #1 spot on the team, the better grades, and before too long I'll have Lance too. You have *nothing*, Justin, and no one, not one single person to be there for you. You even burned your bridge with Britney." The agony of that reality was written on Justin's face. He pushed himself up and past JC without a word. By the back door, he stopped only long enough to grab two bottles from his mother's case. continue menu |