Jayne's History
My main childhood memories begin at around the age of 5, when I started kindergarten. By this time I knew the differences between boys and girls, that there was something wrong with my body. In a sense it was knowing that my body I had did not match the way I felt. I assumed that my penis would at some stage "drop off" and that I would be the way I thought I was meant to be. I also learnt I should start to do "boy's things" as I started getting into trouble by the teachers when I did "girl's things" such as playing with dolls, etc. I suppose that this was about the time that I realised that society expected different behaviour from me (as in act like a boy), and though I had not (or at least to my recollection) told anyone about the way I felt, that I should not do so. (Reading that makes it sound like I was perceptive at a young age, but I don't think that I really was, it was just a way of not getting into trouble.) When we used to play dress ups at home, I remember that I used to dress up as a girl, but at the age of about seven, my parents started to discourage me from dressing up as female, as I was getting too old to be doing things like that. I would also get into trouble for playing with my sisters toys, even though I much preferred them to the trucks, cars, soldiers and the other toys that I had.
I never had many friends during my childhood, as I wasn't physically a girl, and the girls did not want to play with me, and I didn't feel comfortable playing with boys, as I felt as if I was an outsider to them, and was often rejected from the group. At the time, my family moved around a bit, I went to 5 different schools during my 7 years at primary school years (years 1 to 7). In a way, I was just about always the new kid at a school, and I with finding myself not being able to fit in properly, found it hard to make close friendships.
It was during these years that I started "cross dressing" by wearing my sisters clothes (as she is 16 months older than me, and us both being pretty much the same size, access to clothes was not a problem), but I knew at this age that I could only do it in private, and that I should not let anyone else know about it. I support that this was an early sign of guilt about what I was doing, but I did not think of it being like that at the time, as I saw nothing wrong in what I was doing, just that if my parents found out then I would get into trouble. When I was 9, my mother started working, and arrived home about an hour after we got out of school. As my brother is three years younger than me, he used to go to one of his friends house to be looked after, while my sister and myself would go home. My sister would then normally go to one of her friends, leaving the house to me for an hour. As I knew my mum's routine I would have time to wear my sisters clothing, and feel normal about myself for a while, and be back in my own clothing by the time that my mum got home. This routine went on for sometime, until one day when mum came home from work early and found me in my sisters clothes.
This event freaked out my parents, and in the chaos the followed, I told my parents how I felt about myself (thought I did not know that I was "transsexual" then, as I had never heard the term). I must add that my parents are committed Christians, and at the time they were members of the Salvation Army, and because of this I knew (as taught to me) that homosexuality was a "sin". Even though I did not know what homosexuality was, I thought (because of the reaction of my parents) that I must be homosexual because of the difference in how I felt when compared to my physical body.
My parents (because they didn't know what else to do) decided that they should take my to our local doctor, and he informed them that what I was doing was not natural or normal (this was 1975 - the dim darkened and unenlightened days) must have some type of mental disorder, and promptly referred me to a child psychiatrist.
I don't remember all the events that happened during this time, and what I do remember is still quite fuzzy to me, but I'll try to relate them the best that I can.
During the visits to the psychiatrist, I remember doing various activities, one of which was to select paper human cutouts to represent the different members of my family including one for myself. when I selected these cutouts (of which he had many to choose from) I selected male figures for my dad and brother, and female figures for mum and my two sisters and left the selection of a figure for myself to last. The figure that I finally selected for myself was a figure that was neither male or female, but just an outline for a person and no other detail. I remember the psychiatrist asking me why I selected that one figure for myself, and though I don't remember my exact response, it was along the lines of feeling like a nobody as the way I felt did not match the way I physically was.
Not long after this, the psychiatrist recommended that I be placed in a psychiatric hospital (which I eventually spent six months in), and that they could "cure" me make me normal. The time that I spent in the hospital was not a practically good time of my life, and holds a lot of bad memories that I am not going to fully go into, I was eventually declared "cured" of this nasty thing that I was doing.
Of the memories that I am willing to relate of my time in the hospital, I was not allowed to shower or change my clothes with out a member of the staff present. I was watched 24 hours a day (at least during the time that I was not in school or sleeping), and I was not allowed to enter the clothes storeroom alone (I suppose that this was to ensure I did not wear and female clothes). I also soon learnt that if I answered the psychiatrist that I was seeing the with the things that he wanted to hear, then I would have extra privileges granted, but if I told the truth about the way that I was feeling about myself, then I would be punished in some way, either by being segregated and confined or by losing privileges. During this time, I also started to feel guilty about what I was doing, as I decided there must be something wrong about wanting to be a girl, otherwise the things that were happening to me would not be occurring.
When I was released from the hospital, my parents had moved to a new house, and once again I was faced with the prospect of being the new kid in school, though they had also decided not to move again (or at least until recently when they semi-retired).
During my final two years of primary school, I started to excel academically, and though it was still hard making friends with others, I found myself being accepted by the other kids at school though I still failed to form any close friendships.
I started high school in 1978 and entered a new phase in my life. Academically I found years 8 to 10 quite easy, but the emotional turmoil that I entered in this period of my life was quite dramatic and disturbing. I felt that there was no-one that I was able to talk to about the way that I was feeling and as a result I kept the anguish bottled up inside of me until such a stage that I burst out in a fit of anger at the person who caused me to break. It was also during this time that the teasing that was aimed in my direction from the other students became the worst. The nickname that was given to me by the male students was "faggot", and as I did not know the meaning of this work I looked it up in a dictionary to discover that the meaning was a small bundle of sticks tied together. It was not until a few years later that I discovered the slang meaning to be a derogatory term for gay men. I was also involved in the Salvation Army (because of my parents involvement), and being encouraged to stand alone in my Christian beliefs, that also made me a target for bullying. I found because of this that the two groups that I was generally accepted in was the group of more academically gifted students, and also the group of student that were probably considered misfits. Of these two groups, I developed the first close friendship that I can recall with a guy called Mick. I still value the friendship that developed with Mick, and we have continued that friendship to this current day, though we are not as close as we once were.
Another reason that I believe that the nickname "faggot" was applied to me was because I failed to show any romantic interest in the girls at school, mind you I had no interest in any of the guy's either. I found myself too busy in trying to suppress my own feelings that I had about myself and at least appear to be "normal" that I did not have tome to consider any romantic interests. I must add that I did have quite a few friend, both male and female, and could by no means be considered a loner, just that I felt I could not consider these friendships to be particularly close.
The other traumatic thing that happened to me in high school was puberty, and as standards go I was a late developer by going through the worst of my puberty at the age of 15. I think that I was one of the last boys in my year to have my voice break. It was during puberty that I finally realised (or at least at the time, considered) that I was stuck in the body that I was born in. I somehow felt that God had betrayed me, and for the first time had considered suicide as being a real answer to my depression that I felt at the time. I had previously considered suicide, but never in a particularly serious way, or at least when considered against the way I was feeling about it at the time. One of the main reasons that I did not actually commit suicide during this time period was due to the fact that the Salvation Army taught that suicide was a sin, and I would go straight to hell if I did harm myself.
I also found the locker rooms and showers to be a particularly traumatic time, as having to partake in sporting activities (that I did not enjoy) and using communal change rooms with the boys that were also in my year brought the teasing and bullying that had gone on to be the worst, as I had no where else to go and I was unable to get away from them. The teacher that normally accompanied us in the change rooms would normally turn a blind eye on the events that happened in there, except if physical harm appeared as if it was going to occur, but he failed to take any action on the various name calling and verbal abuse that I received.
I remember that during these years, my parents considered my mood swings and depression to be a normal part of development, just that I had it worse than some others, and there was no way that I would ever tell them of my feeling, as I was scared that I would once again be placed in a psychiatric hospital, and the abuse that I suffer in their would once again be inflicted upon me. I also felt a lot of anger towards my parents, though I now realise that they did what they considered the best for me, based upon the advice that they were given at the time.
Another major event that occurred during year 9 was I finally decided that I wanted a career in computing. This came about as a result of being able to take a computing course, though based on an old DEC mainframe computer. Up until then, I had no particular objective that I wanted to achieve and never had any goals that I felt I needed to attain.
During year 10, I was required to attend a career counselling session with the school's guidance counsellor, and was advised that that the only way to achieve a computing career was to complete my TEE (years 11 and 12), doing Maths 2 and 3, Physics and Chemistry, English and one elective of my choice. As the four maths and science subjects were considered the hardest subjects to study, I decided that I would leave school at the end of year 10 (and also at the same time put an end to the bullying and teasing that I was receiving), and maybe try for an apprenticeship of some type (though in what I was not quite sure). I suggested this to my parent, I was told that I WOULD do my TEE and then go on to University, and presumably also be successful in a career afterwards.
As I felt I had no other option, I then entered into year 11, but as I was there through force, and not by choice, I failed to live up to the academic standard that was expected of me. In doing this, I failed to complete any of the assignment work that was handed out, and I also failed to study for tests and exams.
Through out my high school years, I still continued to crossdress, but only at times that I felt completely safe to do so, but rather than take my sisters clothes, I used to steal clothes from peoples washing lines at night, and store them under the house that we lived in. After I had worn the clothes a couple of times, I would dispose of them in a rubbish bin at the back of a local shopping centre, thought I almost got caught a few times, and each time I would not take any other clothes until I got my nerve to do so back. I feel that I should add that I have never had any sexual kick or thrill out of crossdressing, just the feeling of being who I knew I was meant to be.
At the end of the year, my parents finally agreed to me leaving school, and I went to social security and the Commonwealth Employment office (CES) in order to sign up for the unemployment benefit. During my initial interview with the CES, the councillor that I saw told me about the a Diploma in Computer Programming course that was being offered at various Technical Colleges. He also advised me that based on my year 10 marks, I had the required academic standard to achieve entry into this course and provided me with the details of enrolment. He also advised me that should I want to repeat year 11 to enter the University courses, I could take on a lighter work load because the subject that I sat were not essential requirements for entry, and I could take easier subjects and still gain entry to the computing courses.
I then approached my parents (as they would have to support me while I continued my studies) with the idea of going to Tech, and after much pleading that this was what I really wanted to do and that I would complete all the assignments and study for all my exams, they agreed to my continuing studying.
I found Tech a much better experience than I did high school, as there was a much more relaxed atmosphere, and the other students had no previous knowledge of my background. I found that I was in an environment were I was accepted as being me, and no thought was given to the fact that I did not somehow fit in with the rest of society. I also found with in myself that I was much more at ease with myself and finally able to suppress my feelings about that I had about myself. I suppose that of the reason for this was that I was no longer in an environment of bullying and teasing, and also due to the fact that I put a lot of energy and concentration into studying. I also found that I had mostly stopped crossdressing, though I probably could not give any reason as to why that was.
I also realised that I was expected (at least at some stage) to settle down and eventually marry, and during my second year at Tech I went out with a couple of girls, though I was not particularly interested in any form of sexual relationship, and I did not get involved in a relationship with them.
During this time, I also decided that I was not particularly keen on remaining involved in the Salvation Army, and even though my parents were still members I found more and more reasons not to attend (including getting a part time job that required me to work on Sunday mornings).
Just before my I started my 3rd year at Tech (in 1984), I was invited to go to the drive in with a group of people from the Salvation Army, and at first I was not particularly keen on going with them, but in the end I thought "why not?" and went anyway. Once I got there, I started talking to a nice young lady (named Debbie) with whom I felt paticuarly comfortable with, and as the movie was boring and I had decided that she was someone that I would like to see again, I reached over and tickled her knee to get her attention. This led into our seeing each other a few more times, and eventually going out as boyfriend and girlfriend. With Debbie, I felt that I had finally met someone who was caring and also someone with whom I could share my most innermost secrets, but in doing so I only told her about part of my story (that was the crossdressing, but not the way that I actually felt about myself), and lied to her by claiming that that was when I was 10 and I don't do that anymore. During the time I was spending with Debbie, I realised that I had grown extremely fond of her, and that I had feeling that were greater than friendship. I also considered Debbie to be my Best Friend, as well as my partner. I also realised that I was growing sexually fond of Debbie, but though we did not have a sexual relationship until after we had been going out for over 18 months, we had started exploring each others body's. During this time of discovering sexual pleasures, I often felt good because of the physical sensations, but at the same time I felt guilty about how my body could betray my feelings for myself. I remember that at different times during this period that maybe I was just a normal straight guy after all, and I used these thoughts to further suppress my feeling of transsexuality.
-- Continued In Part 2 --